diciembre 25, 2008

diciembre 24, 2008

Past burden

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my past as a burden which I carry in my shoulders and blame it as the reason for having a hunched back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of standing up straight because of my breasts being more noticeable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around hunched bevcause of not wanting to be 'snotty' in standing up straight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry because of 'how the world is' today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at myself for not being able to stop my crying that had no clear reason to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit embarrassed by crying infront of A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid while crying with no apparent reason or purpose

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop questioning why do I cry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty within myself towards myself for allowing me to be existing in the mind and be creating-co creating these pains all over my back and body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this day as horrible for what it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because of realizing that there's no point within this life at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable when realizing that I am crying for the loss of myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to cry out of shame and fear of what is to come

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this life as a burden and place it on my back as carrying the world within me instead of standing one and equal to it and just breathing as who and what I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making others feel sad because of seeing me cry or being sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad for no apparent reason

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the unified consciousness field for my crying experience instead of realizing that it is me crying out of exerting a burden

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for not caring about my body and walking around hunched not realizing that my back is hurting because of my position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from expressing myself around others because of not wanting to 'hurt' them and 'ruin' the party for them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less that who I really am and allow me to be sad, angry and cry out of self pity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable for having cried out of the blue

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within regret for not having cared about my body before

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say 'what have I done, what have I become?' and thinking that it's too late to do something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire creating a solution ont realizing that this merely limits and defines myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just BE and stop all the bullshit that leads me to suffer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feelings and emotions with regards to how this world is currently going through and how we all create that because in suffering and being sad, i actually supported suffering in this world

I do not accept and allow myself to co-create suffering within this world, I stop the sadness, i stop carrying around the past as a burden

diciembre 23, 2008

flat littering

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuses as thinking that I'm not being dishonest while I do realize that I am being dishonest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that comments categorized as 'flattering' towards myself are able to change who I am and what i am in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'important' whenever someone points out how 'I am important in their lives' instead of realizing that they are merely talking and describing and taking into consideration the 'who I am' within the mind as who they think and believe and perceive myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately judge people whenever I see that they 'fucked up' as being dishonest not realizing that I am judging myself within the mind, therefore, allowing and existing within thoughts as opinions and perceptions of myself as 'who I want me to be' instead of just being here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'moved' by flattering comments such as being 'attractive' to some people

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to fully see and understand the fact that I cannot and will not define myself according to how I look or how I am visually perceived by anyone's eyes. I see myself as who I really am, not as a picture-image presentation of myself. That is NOT who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get 'confused' as wanting to be self-honest while knowing that I am deeply getting into relationshit fields

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for enjoying flirting with people when it's possible to do so and for having defined me as a delicate flirtatious person

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fuel my personality while having contact with men and spending time with men with whom I could 'be' something 'more' than who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rejoice within the thoughts and ideas that others have created of myself as 'who they think I am' as 'who I used to be' and 'as who I used to define myself' not realizing that I am not my thoughts, my ideas or anything that is created within the mind as the mind. I am merely here as all, breathing as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the imperious need to open everyone's eyes to life, to be the breath not realizing that I cannot do something for someone else if the other one isn't willing to open up themselves to realize what life really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire changing my outside instead of firstly knowing myself as who I am within my thoughts and beliefs about myself as how I have defined myself to be and who I really am within all of this. I am the breath of life, I am here as life as all as one as equal and I do not accept and allow myself to rejoice in the thought of 'who I am' for 'others' as who they think I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having desired having a relationshit with V. long time ago and imagining being 'complete' with someone like him

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think that being in a relationship would help me to personal realization and fulfilling my sole purpose within this world, this life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that the relationship programming as a need for humans is something so ingrained that it's 'tough' to delete from myself.

I delete every single thought and desire to be in a relationship with anyone for the sake of 'being with someone' who 'understands and cares' for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see men as an opportunity to be important, to be noticed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always created my image and presentation in order to be liked and appreciated by men who were the 'kind' of men that I wanted to be liked by

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fond of myself as who I think I am while being with other men and enjoying being flattered instead of realizing that this is merely self interest as ego going for food to keep itself alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define men as a weakness within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tag my 'problem' or 'situation' currently going on as 'men' because of how I have separated myself from men not realizing that I am one and equal to men and I do not accept and allow myself to merely define myself as a woman for 'who I am' within my physical body

I forgive myself that I have always accepted and allowed myself to feel cool when going out with a man that I like physically or mentally - same deal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'nice' when I go out with men that I like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always felt 'cool' because of actually being with the men I wanted to be with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place expectations on men and how 'our relationship could be' merely existing as thoughts, needs and desires of who I am not

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see and define men as a point of stability to create within my life while being, spending and creating my life revolving around a relationship with a man

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it is inevitable to not like a man that I enjoy being with not realizing that I am merely defining my beingness with such being instead of just being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek certain kind of men's attention by trying to fit their taste in the past

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that I liked certain man when i did like them because of not wanting to be too 'obvious' within my 'taste in men'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel attracted towards certain kind of man which I consider to be 'outsiders' and rebels within their world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my programming as wanting a certain kind of 'unusual' relationship with a man who is also 'weird' and 'just like me' so 'we could understand each other'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for creating the experience of seeking for a man to love and define it as draining, tiring, sad and filled with disillusionment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still occupy myself with thougths of meeting a someone whom I could be and spend my life with while supporting each other

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy saying that I have admires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep in mind the fact that someone declared his love to me and that he said I was 'special kind of attractive person'

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be seduced by words that create the idea of myself as being important and unique for/in someone's life

I forgive myself for still wanting and desiring to have a special place in someone's life as being 'unique' and 'important' and 'special'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value and worth to others opinions towards myself as being someone 'important' and 'unique' in their life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take people's words as unconditional not realizing that I am not able to trust blindly in anyone's words. I can only trust myself in self honesty

I do not accept and allow myself to place worth and value in anyone's words towards myself as making compliments or making 'flattering' comments towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse compliments and freak out when listening flattering words coming from others towards myself

diciembre 13, 2008

Imperative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in my action within this world I'm an imperative person wanting everything and everyone to do as I do, to be as I want them to be therefore, control is being desired

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to raise my voice and speak out of anger when I want people to listen to me and know that I am talking 'the truth' and therefore, it isn't fucking around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become blinded by my own justifications to be imperative such as being self directive when in fact, I'm imposing myself and being aggressive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use aggressiveness as a way to have the focus and attention of people in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be imperative and want to take out 'my truth' every single moment that I'm able to break the illusion by speaking 'the way it is' not realizing that when being with someone else it is about who I am within that moment not the words I speak to bring that 'truth' of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become imperative and angry when realizing that someone is deliberately fucking with themselves therefore, reacting towards their own personal situation instead of me just allowing them to experience their process by themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having harmed A by being too aggressive towards him and being too imperative as in wanting things to go my way and according to my view of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still desire that people follow my example and so, become like me and have the same point of view without realizing that I cannot impose myself onto anyone by force

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become exalted and angry against others for not understanding and/or accepting 'who I am' at this moment within the realization of being one and equal to all and leading life accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link being imperative to being selfish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become angry when someone cannot fathom what I'm trying to say because of not having the same knowledge and information to speak about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated while communicating with someone who isn't aware of process of self forgiveness and the overall process on earth because it seems very 'unknown' to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I'm betraying my family or friends by wanting to be by myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blackmailed into believing that I am selfish and that I don't want to share myself with others
..................................................

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that respect towards people is about respecting and allowing them to have their own beliefs even if these fuck with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that A's girlfriend knows that we were together while she wasn't here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of my actions while being with A while he still has a gf and therefore being part of a cheating situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time with A just because he feels lonely, therefore being with him out of pity at times

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find unbelievable that someone is able to say he loves me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared by compromise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject compromising myself to someone again in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a burden when realizing that 'I'm special for someone' in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special for someone in this world not realizing that this is merely mind considerations of someone's idea of himself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become pissed off when being identified according to what I wear and the 'personality' I own even though I have tried to erase it from me to be identifiable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel offended and completely deny the fact that I might be selfish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad because of A calling me selfish because of me wanting to spend time alone with myself instead of being and spending some time with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bothered whenever he talks about feelings and emotions that make him 'feel alive' not realizing that this is complete system talk and therefore, not life at all

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be kidding myself into believing that he supports life

noviembre 23, 2008

Art ID

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use art as a way of hiding from my surroundings, hiding from others and hiding from what is here to face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fooling myself while creating art instead of being certain of what I'm here expressing as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having used art as a way to identify myself within an opinion of myself in comparison to 'others' in my world as them not being 'artists' or art-makers, therefore, not being 'like me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uplifted whenever I get a notification that someone likes the stuff as 'art' I make

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dumb because of seeing painting as something that I do easily yet, receive congrats on a painting for 'making such a piece of art' and therefore, experiencing disgust towards the 'work of art' definition of something that I express myself within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting recognition from others towards the 'art' I make because of not wanting to be categorized and identified with stuff I make such as art, without realizing that if everything is one and equal with me here then I do not have to limit myself to 'the art I make' in order to identify myself. There is no need to identify ourselves, but only expressing myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking, believing and perceiving that I am able to be 'easily identified' within the 'art' I make because of having a certain 'style' therefore being 'unique/different/original' not realizing that it is merely desires to be 'unique/special' the ones that drove me before and taking me to desire making art

I Forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having used art as 'who I am' and 'what I was made for' excuse for me to identify and define myself as the very idea of myself within this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create most of my relationships within this world related to art instead of realizing that it is myself relating to myself just as any other relationship in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and think that people that are into art are more open-minded than non-art-makers therefore creating separation in thinking that the ones that create/make art are 'more' than the ones that aren't around any artistic expression. {

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire having an identification with a certain-specific way to express and experience myself through the 'creation' of art so I could make and define something as 'me-mine' therefore only creating and forming myself as opinions of 'who I am' within the act of creating and the products thereof

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an opinion as a certain 'choice' of which kind of art to make because of thinking that in doing so I will have a defined taste and expression to be more 'solid' within my own expression not realizing that it was merely sticking to rules and designations of 'what and how it has to be' instead of staying true to myself in every single moment in expressing me in every moment of breath as I am here.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to seek for 'ways' to 'attain' a way, a specific method or process to express myself instead of realizing that I am here, I express myself unconditionally in any way being it through art or not. I do not accept and allow myself to define what I do as 'art' or 'not art' as everything I do as an expression of myself is here in awareness of myself, therefore, it isn't a concept, it isn't a category.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having fooled myself in thinking that I had to take an external substance such as drugs in order to get the inspiration to create art or to be able to 'channel' a certain external influence received from another 'unseen' dimension therefore merely wanting to be special and having a 'talent' that could define me and make me 'more' than others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as someone 'special' due to my likings and preferences and choices to create and make art

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'proud' for being identified as 'an artist' or as someone that 'makes art'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the word 'artist' to define me as who i am and think that it is MORE than being anything else in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and define me according to superiority of mind as definitions and opinions of myself as 'who I am' as an artist, instead of realizing that I'm not a definition, I am not a concept, I am not a category, I just am Here

noviembre 07, 2008

ObeY

OBEDIENCE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as being 'obedient' and following rules that are imposed to me by 'the authority'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'breaking the laws/rules' in fear of losing my definition as 'being obedient' therefore, being a 'good person' that 'follows the rules'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR and believe in the fear that if I 'break the rules' as not being obedient to them is something 'bad' for me and that I am able to lose credibility towards others such as parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my current 'allowances' within the relationship with my 'parents' and fear 'breaking their rules' because it would mean that I could lose their 'trust' they've deposited/created towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to always be 'obedient' to anyone or anything that creates and sets a 'rule to follow' thinking that this makes me an actual 'better somenoe' or that it takes me through a 'safe road'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to break the rules and the impositions by the 'authority' within my world such as parents or teachers or school or 'the system' in fear of losing my current stability, comfort and the projection of being 'trust worthy' towards others as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being 'trust worthy' towards the authority figures within my world, thinking that this creates an 'easy stage' for me to walk through

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my comfort zones, my parent's trust towards myself if they knew that I'm breaking one of their rules as 'not seeing that particular someone' just because they don't want me to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as always being obedient towards my parents and therefore, submitting myself to their established rules

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'not following rules' as a way of rebelling myself, not realizing that it isn't about following or not but seeing what's best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my 'benefits' from having 'parent's trust' and fearing losing it if they knew that I have been lying to them in order to do something that they wouldn't actually 'support' me to do

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disobedient and fear disappointing my parents, not realizing that I am not able to disappoint anyone here but myself as all as one and therefore, the fear of disappointment isn't towards parents but for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parent's systematic reactions if I were to disobey them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents because of them reacting in extreme anger when it comes to me talking about relationships with people they 'don't like'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take personally their disapproval of people I go out with instead of realizing it has to do with themselves and their experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'being obedient' is 'good quality' that has defined me throughout my life, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that If I were to be 'disobedient' to certain rules imposed by the authority, I would lose part of my self definition, not realizing it isn't real anyways

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear PUNISHMENT out of breaking the rules and being disobedient

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confrontation and conflict if my parents were to know that I have been 'disobedient'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to fully realize that I am an adult and I no longer have to stick to rules imposed by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my father's monetary support IF he would ever withdraw it because of me 'not following his rules' and his 'plan' for myself within the life they want me to have, the people they want me to be with and the 'someone' they want me to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be one and equal to my parents, but instead define them as the 'enemy' that I must defeat and go against and fear because of them apparently having more 'power' over myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father's reaction and fearing him getting angry and disappointed if he knew that 'I went back' with A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother's reactions and fearing her being angry and disappointed at myself because of her knowing that I am back with A again as friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give room and head to thoughts of fearing parents due to old conditioning and situations within the past where I experienced 'extreme fear' due to them knowing that I was being with someone 'they didn't approve'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disobedient towards my parents approval of someone to be in my life or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually give room inside myself to think that my parents are able to decide for me according to their idea of 'what's best for me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still think, believe and perceive that because I depend on my parents financially, I must stick to their rules

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that MONEY is an issue that still traps me within following authority due to economic dependence on parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that as long as I depend on my father's money, I have to follow parent's rules and do what they want me to do

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I'm enslaved to their desires and wants to be fulfilled by me according to the idea/concept they want me to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still act like a little girl for some things and want to be a grown up for others according to how the situation 'suits' me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lock myself and deny my self as being fearful because of not wanting to 'lose' my parents support and fear being 'punished' in any possible way

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instead keep myself in a status quo as being 'in good terms' with parents instead of actually being honest with myself and do what I want to do without hiding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being misunderstanding 'what do I have to stand for' within this situation, fear of being interested on 'self preservation' by wanting to be friends with someone who isn't 'approved' by parents

noviembre 02, 2008

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear towards parents as authority, therefore existing in inferiority towards them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear them knowing that I see A because of them being able to 'ban him' out of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that they are able to tell me what to do and what not to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in anxiety whenever I know that 'I must get home' and I'm with A even though I'm few houses away from my house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'standing up' to my parents and allowing me to be more free as being able to go out with whoever I want to go out with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous and anxious and fear even telling my parents about me being friends with A again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that others are able to be an authority to me, not realizing that it is merely my perception of parents as authority over me and my decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'affecting them' by knowing what I'm currently doing and going out with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my parents might tell me that i am not able to see A ever again because of 'who he is' not realizing that no one is able to tell me what to and what not to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear them not allowing me to go out at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be paranoid about this whole situation without realizing that If I don't stop the fear towards this, it'll manifest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous whenever I know that 'my parents don't know that I'm here' therefore, being anxious looking at cellphone to see if they have called me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get quite anxious when knowing that it is almost 'time' to go home, therefore, fearing they might call me and wait me outside the door

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted by being overprotected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overprotected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to my parent's will towards who I am supposed to be with and who am I supposed to be with not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be carrying the 'traumatic experience' when they saw me with my ex boyfriend G. and threatened me to not allow me to go to mexico city if they ever saw me with him again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by fears of 'not being able to do something anymore' because of not obeying to my parent's rules and wishes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be conditioned by fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be free because I'm not able to go visit A whenever I want without fearing and having to make an excuse to tell my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked by parents if they know that I'm seeing A again

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to lose 'my parent's trust' because of them knowing that I've been lying to them to go see A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'good with myself' when I do what my parents want me to do and stick to their rules

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rebel against their rules because of fear of what they might 'do' in order to ground me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making my parents mad and angry for them knowing that I'm seeing A. again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all their disapproval for A. has nothing to do with A or me but with themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'tied' to parents because of 'doing what they want me to do'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure to stand up towards my parents and tell them that I'm seeing A. again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'defending' myself if they start nagging about me seeing A. again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by what my parents may think If they know that I'm seeing A. again, fear that they think I'm 'stupid' for "going back" to him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all this has nothing to do with my parents but with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for not being able to tell my parents where I am really going to because of them not being able to know that I'm going to see A. because of them hating A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'locked' by not being able to go out with who I really want to go out with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'what might happen to me' if they know that I'm seeing A. again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I'm not able to tell the truth with regards to my current situation with A. towards my parents because of them not 'understanding' and therefore not being able to be open about this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in plain fear to speak about A. towards parents in fear that they won't allow me going out anymore or will start calling me every hour to know where I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frightened of what might happen if parents know that I'm seeing A. again.

I forgive mysef that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others view's on my decisions.

octubre 23, 2008

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious in dream because of not being able to tell my parents that I was going to visit A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'concerned' in my dream on how to go out of home in order to be able to see A

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable and not wanting to go to see A because of seeing that his mother had arrived

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bummed by A's mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious because of not being able to tell parents that I'm seeing A again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear making A being waiting

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and be infatuated with the idea of seeing A because it seems that he is quite fond of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I can be 'punished' for seeing A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that mother gets to know that I'm seeing A again and scolds me or tells me what not to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be remorseful and retaliate towards my mother whenever she yelled at me and got angry for not wanting me to see A, therefore conditioning myself as to 'not see A again without her permission' not realizing that I'm not controlled by anyone's apParent authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous and fearing parents knowing that I'm with A while dreaming of being with A hiding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide what is it that I'm doing such as seeing A

OH that's difficult apparently because this would mean that I cannot hide anymore.

octubre 17, 2008

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone/lonely and therefore want to be with someone to share myself with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry over a past relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be waiting for him to call me or look for me so we can spend some time together

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being with him again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be numbed by this desire and experience myself as unable to do anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become' unstable' the moment I saw him once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable because of crying over a relationships that doesn't exist anymore as the one I had with A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I need him/ need to see him .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I need someone else to fulfill me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear just telling my parents that I am going to be 'friends' with A once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'weak' to tell this to them

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the wrong decision in deciding 'going out' or hanging out with A once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that without a friend I'm miserable, lonely and sad

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I'm not able to be alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire re-living my past within the relationship with A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire so bad listening to his music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only think that my parents are the problem with me actually seeking A once again

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want me to seek him, but want HIM to seek for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only exist in fears towards my parents and what they might think or say if I tell them that I'm going out with A once again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I desperately need 'human contact'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek A as a human contact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hesitating and doing nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperately lonely today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that something/someone must fulfill me instead of realizing that I am all, I need no fulfilling, only the mind needs a relationship to exist

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to suppress the 'pain' of leaving relationships behind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to go out with someone/ be with someone desperately

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone not realizing that I'm all one and therefore, I can't be alone

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the mind and fall once again into desires to be with someone, just to be with someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss 'past times' which is completely unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tormented by the memory of being with A listening to his music in his house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yearn past moments with A being with him in his house watching the sky

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yearn the moments when we used to be together doing nothing, just being together

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still be enslaved to memories of relationship with A

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel it's a torture to have him few meters away, yet not 'able' to see him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and my desires to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'tempted' by having opened a new 'contact' with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become unstable because of knowing that he's in his house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want him to call me

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to deem as 'too difficult' or 'impossible' to just forget about it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because of all these feelings still existing within me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate because of not being able to just be and instead, going around in circles with the thought of 'A is near me' in the head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself just because of my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my uncle and aunts would say if they see that I'm going to his house once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what the neighbors could say because of seeing that I go to A's house once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about these things with regards to 'what others may think or believe or perceive' because of me not being sure about myself within this situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define A as the perfect companion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I'm just holding myself back because of fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even think that I could give the back to my self and go with the flow wanting to be with someone

this is not so thus I stop

octubre 16, 2008

Protection

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire protecting myself from 'external influences' that might've hurt me within emotions and feelings according to what I deemed as 'offensive' towards myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having developed my defense mechanism in means of protecting my self definition, my ego as who I believed and perceived myself to be ever since I was a child

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use mother/teachers as authority, or any other authority as a synonym of 'protection'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that I need to be protected not realizing that this entails the very manifestation of fear within life as 'having to be protected' because of fearing being hurt, therefore experiencing the fears because of desiring to be protected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having developed a 'hard shell' as a 'tough personality' just to use it as a shield towards people that could hurt me, therefore making believe-kidding myself into thinking, believing and perceiving/deceiving that in that way, I would show to others that it didn't affect me, not realizing that I was merely existing within and as a defense mechanism of the mind and suppressing myself as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a man for 'protection'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in security systems for 'protection' from possible assaults or robberies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'safe' within a place that apparently has 'protection' as policemen and guards etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of life insurance the moment I think of protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the very manifestation of 'protection' towards water, wanting to 'save the world' by not using that much water

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in the very act of 'protecting' means that I am fearing, therefore, that I am merely surviving and fearing a future of being 'not protected- unguarded' therefore being 'vulnerable'-open to being hurt, harmed, etc

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be 'protected' towards any emergency that may arise, not realizing that in this I'm declaring: I am waiting for something to happen to me so I can be 'ready' for it

I forgive myself that I haven'ta ccepted and allowed myself to realize and see how much I am 'protecting' myself from the external world and in doing so, fearing the external world seeing it as a 'dangerous' place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect me' from that which drives me to do things, therefore, being protecting my ego as self definition and self preservation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use protection as 'trusting someone else' in separation of myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define protection as safe sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unprotected and therefore, being open-vulnerable to being harmed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having defended my beliefs therefore, protecting them within a cage where 'no one would enter' so I could keep myself within a personality definition of the mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having written my journals almost always in english so I could protect myself from my mother reading them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a 'bad handwriting' in means of it being a protection from others easily reading my school notes and journals and stuff because I didn't want to share

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect myself' from people in the street wearing certain clothes that will make me 'less vulnerable' to men's sights

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see parents as 'protection' as a safeguard that will 'come to rescue me' if I'm ever in 'trouble'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define family as 'protection' as a back up if I need any help economically or as support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear therefore, thinking believing and perceiving that I need protection from outside world

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that in existing within all of the manifested protection/defense system/mechanism, I am not living and I am merely defending, controlling and protecting myself within an environment because of fears that aren't even real but created by the mind as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a cellphone as 'protection' knowing that I can call anyone if something happens to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'protected' by having the keys to any house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a house as the manifestation of protection from the 'outside world'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my ego within self definitions that I took as 'flag' to defend myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to protect myself from the 'hostility' of the world by adapting myself and creating myself in the image and likeness of the outside world, therefore being fearful and paranoid in my past

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop habits of 'safety' towards my own protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect me' from illnesses by eating well instead of eating only to nurture my human physical bodies

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that many activities that I develop through the day are linked towards the 'protection'/defense mechanism that I have accepted and allowed to take over in situations and every day life, instead of realizing that I have to stop living in fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect' my self interests not realizing that within this I am merely protecting the ego of the mind as self definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being 'protected' as having immunity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of protection as not being able to be harmed, injured or hurt in any way either physically or emotionally therefore not realizing that I cannot be hurt, harmed or injured by an 'external source' but only myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not wearing protections to drive a bike

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the safety belt as a protection towards car crashes, therefore, manifesting fear of death

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that within the protection system I am manifesting fear of death, fear of 'who I am' within definitions of myself as a system.

I do not need to protect myself within self definitions as patterns that I've developed throughout my life as 'who I am' as being 'safe', 'secure' and 'protected'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling 'protected' by having enough money in the shelf

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having existed within and as beliefs and perceptions of being protected by any kind of white light 'brother' in my past

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use 'god' as a defense/protection mechanism, by placing trust in someone/something greater than me in means of protection, therefore, existing within and as fear

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to protect myself from being 'offended' or 'harmed' by using words that wouldn't create reactions on another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use protection towards myself in the most subtle ways and defining it as being 'precautionary' in precarious situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever carry amulets in means of 'protecting myself' from evil vibes or spirits or whatever lol

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to trust in something 'unseen' that would be protecting me from any external harm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my 'property' therefore, existing in fear of losing it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that protection entails fear of loss as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I cannot survive in this world IF I am not protected in enough either physically or 'mentally' therefore, not realizing that life has been the manifestation of survival and defending ourselves within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fears therefore, developing defense/protection as fat around the body

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to protect me as self preservation for the future, instead of realizing that all that exists is the moment therefore, all worries and concerns of the future aren't real and are system manifestations that I have accepted and allowed to become the very manifestation of myself within the mask of having 'precaution'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having developed a 'hostile and dark' personality in my teenage years because of realizing how 'vulnerable' I could be as being easily hurt within feelings therefore, using this 'tough image' as a shelter of people that would deliberately want to harm me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a personality as a protection/defense mechanism in order to survive in this world and not feel 'exposed' so I could be attacked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having used a created identity in order to protect myself, protect my 'inner me' from others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust in the mind's defense mechanisms such as crying or expressing any kind of emotion or feeling because of apparently not being able to 'handle' the situation in that moment myself, therefore experiencing such rifts within me where I allowed the systems to take over me instead of me directing me in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for protecting myself in isolation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first think of 'security' and ways of 'protection' before making a decision of going, making, doing anything to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more 'protected' when I'm walking in the streets with a male

I forgive myself for having ever used males only as means of protection towards other people/other males

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that a woman needs more 'protection' than a male

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use justifications in order to keep protecting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see protection as the 'way of living' in this world because of existing in fear of the world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to see having a 'backup' of money as protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define money as a 'weapon' as a defense/protection mechanism as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect me' by going out with enough money for anything that may come up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as being precautionary being, not realizing that this entails fear as a lifestyle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my defense/protection mechanism by creating it as a 'reasonable/logic' way of living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow patterns of parents towards protection because of fearing being vulnerable in any way

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use masks as personalities of the mind in means of protecting myself from 'other masks' that I deemed as being superior/more powerful than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire protecting my 'reputation' as a personality of mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe or perceive that I have to protect my family's interests as my own interests as the 'family name'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my integrity within morality rules and polarity of the mind as how the system works and operates

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that using protection 'is the way to live'

Life is here as all as one as equal, thus life doesn't require any kind of protection as who I really am as Life isn't able to be harmed, violated, hurt, injured, robbed, killed or any other kind of 'offensive' behaviour/act towards myself.

octubre 10, 2008

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide from the actual truth of myself, from what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as wanting to be always right and always having the 'right' answer for everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that wanting to hide is merely desiring self preservation as what I still deem to be a 'good quality' within me as perceived intelligence by the mind which is useless in self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I'm being 'too stupid' the moment I ask obvious questions, the moment I already know the answer but think, believe or perceive that I'm able to get some mind perspective to entertain myself this is complete separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from people I deem as being lascivious and lustful not realizing, I am them, and by judging I am supporting the creation of this reality and my experience within it, therefore I STOP I do not accept and allow myself to still desire wanting to blame others for my experience instead of realizing: I am ALL I create my reality here within thoughts, therefore I stop thoughts to stop myself within this reality as what I experience currently

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to feel inferiority towards others because of opportunities they get to travel to SA

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined now by a desire to go to SA

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others that have already gone to the farm and thinking, believing and perceiving that they are 'ahead' of me, not realizing this isn't about being 'more' or 'further' in process, but about me realizing myself as here, therefore this isn't defined by anything or anyone but myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted adn allowed myself for ever having experienced frustration and anger when having to wait for something to happen in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having ever gotten angry and frustrated when friends didn't arrive to our meetings 'on time' therefore, acting all angry and frustrated and mad at them because of them not having been 'on time'

I forgive myself tha tIhave accepted and allowed myself to define me as being sour at times when things 'wont' go my way'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel manipulated and feel completely frustrated while having to wait for someone to arrive in one meeting, because of feeling wasting time, not realizing, I'm always here, there's no time to lose

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to ever feel used when having me waiting for long time and people nto giving a damn about it

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to always having thought or perceived that I wasn't 'important' to others therefore, belittling myself constantly and continuously

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire shooting or shouting at people in front of my house that are praying like parrots to a lifeless image

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge 'others' stupidity, not realizing, I am also them, so I stop judgment towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem people as dumb for trusting an image as god

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as falling back to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire shutting people off when they are praying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become frustrated and experience anger while hearing people pray

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become extremely frustrated at myself for just wanting to be eating and not being able to stop myself apparently

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally LIVE the Self forgiveness corrective application as me here, and instead judge and blame me for not doing so and in doing so, compounding my self dishonesty.

I STOP!!!!!!!1

self judgment while asking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within questions and doubts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always wanted to 'know the answers' and 'be right' on everything

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I am actually placing limitations and definitions on myself within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that who I am is able to define 'right and wrong' not realizing this is only the mind creating separation within what's here as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having ever experienced embarrassment and shame in my life when I asked something that had an obvious answer, and therefore, thinking believing and perceiving that I was too stupid in that moment to not see

this happened today, lol what an big DUH i had

I forgive myself that I Haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I too doubt myself and I have questions that need perspectives to allow me to see what is it that I'm still doubting and wanting to maintain within self definitions of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that by not being HERE I make silly questions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self judgment whenever I ask something that has an obvious answer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be fascinated by the answers the mind may have to enhance itself instead of seeing in self honesty that the answer is already within me

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to still doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this 'wise' quote from einsteing I guess saying that 'it is of wise men to ask' or something like that, therefore asking and sometimes not seeing that the answer is already implied here

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to sometimes desire obtaining specific knowledge or information only to feed the mind, instead of stopping in self honesty here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustration wheenever I haven't been able to see a point within myself for myself

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to desire having always the answer and being right

I forgive myself that Ih ave accepted and allowed myself to see my own questions as failures

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to not laugh of failures and instead go into self judgment and repent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make 'such a big deal' out of all these questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that questioning myself within the mind as the mind will get me 'somewhere' in process

I forgive myself that I haven't realized and accepted that all is already here as me, i stop the wondering, I stop the fascination in mind processes, I stop the phenomena within holographic projections through the eyes, I stop myself from 'wondering' within the mind

octubre 07, 2008

Eli tist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created a personality for myself according to how I wanted to be perceived/defined by others, and therefore, treat me and consider me accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever buy things for my own visual pleasure and also to get, later on, recognition from others by perceiving those things as 'beautiful'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want recognition from others towards that which I own as myself or objects or anything else

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always desire being 'different' by owning 'special clothes' and stuff that not so many could find

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become pissed off anytime anyone would copy anything to me, because of wanting to preserve my apparent 'authenticity' and 'uniqueness'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see who I am behind this wanting and needing for recognition

I see i've got dark circle around my eyes, quite a long time since I haven't had that and I Know why is that, being 'challenged' by someone in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become used to 'being the best' at everything and in thinking, believing and perceiving so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'challenged' when facing myself with someone else who I deem as being 'better than me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever participate in competitions, in comparison towards others in means of 'winning' of 'being the best'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still perceive me as being 'special' and having luck in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my arrogance towards people when I deemed them as 'stupid' or 'non worthy' according to past definitions and considerations towards others as myself

I forgive myself that I have always accepted and allowed myself to make sure I'm 'the best' to make sure that no one else is ahead of me mainly at school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others and their application at school according to their abilities and skills and comparing them to myself constantly and continuously

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that some people get jealous of my effectiveness not realizing, this is my OWN perception therefore my own judgment and desire to even be cared of

I forgive myself that I haven't yet accepted and allowed myself to do things for me and by me only, not wanting needing or desiring any kind of recognition from others /good or bad doesn't matter, as long as they take me into consideration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that everyone's got a certain 'perception' of myself because I deem myself as being 'outstanding' and being remembered by many people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out according to these 'hidden' desires towards my self preservation as who I believe myself to be and according to an application throughout my entire life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that mostly girls are jealous of me - lol lol fuck how did I get here?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having developed a superiority/inferiority complex according to the situation I experienced, according to how I 'moved' myself within my life and the people I was with

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally accept ALL as me, one and equal, instead being still separating myself from others due to who I / THey believe themselves to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'giving advices' to people according to my own 'morals' which only show that I still have preconceptions/ideas of what is to face here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist within and as concern of my current situation instead of doing something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always perceived that many were jealous of me throughout my entire life, and in believing so, blaming their 'bad vibes' as the reason of why shit presented in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to having privileges, to be noticed, to be treated in a different way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want 'special treatment' when being in a crowd

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that I have been elitist and that I have separated myself from others according to their social status and according to how I perceive myself to be amongst others -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my own continuous applications, still allowing me to function this way instead of immediately stopping and not allowing me to go any further into this misconceptions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always desire getting 'the special place' I think, believe and perceive I deserve in people's lives

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that i was 'one of a kind'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel disillusioned the moment I discovered that there are millions like me, lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think believe and perceive that I had 'something' particular that not so many had

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'making a difference' from the ego starting point instead of being the 'difference' from releasing the ego and considering, being and living myself as one and equal with all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to having 'good stuff' around me

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that only when I have 'no choice' I will accept all and live one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the manifestation of 'specialness'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I was defending my perceived 'specialness' all the time in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being 'original' as being 'like no other' never realizing that it is all from mind perception that there could be such individuality, I am one and equal to all as all and till here no further: I do not accept and allow myself to still fall into the 'being special' trap/crap

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to acquire the ability to judge people according to their social status from my mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire wanting to find a reason or someone to blame on to my application as an elitist, not realizing that I placed this as myself and created it for myself

I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to first judge someone by the amount of money they had, how they lived, how their family was like and then, be able to be 'their friend'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having judged people for being 'elitist' with their friends never realizing that I did the same and I felt 'good' while being around people that thought just like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that only certain kind of people should prevail in this world , as the more 'adapted' ones, never realizing this is mind separation coming from occidental view of 'development' and civilization - the more adapted ones are the ones that live in order with nature, so I would surely be eliminated lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape myself according to my own wants, needs and desires to be fulfilled amongst certain people of my choice and wanting to please them within that which I knew 'they would dig/like'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in separation from others by immediately judging their appearance not because of 'looks' but because of how much those clothes are worth - it's even WORST!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become used to judging the 'class' of someone by their clothes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being defined by the 'quality' of clothes I wear, or others wear

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that someone to be my 'friend' had to be more or less in the same social range as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in social classes, creating separation because of money which divides and enslaves us all

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for having judged people who I deemed as elitist and being 'snotty' not realizing that I was hiding that same behaviour behind the 'cool' and ' I accept all' behaviour/mask

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed for what I've just realized of myself here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever feel 'ashamed', secretly ashamed of who I was and the family I had because I deemed it as being a reason to be 'ashamed of'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be extensively affected, developing inferiority that time when father got in a bad deal losing lots of money, therefore, feeling sad by not having had the same amount of money we used to and living in a restricted way

I forgive myself that I then placed trust and desire to 'get things back to normal' and praying to a god

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it was 'god's miracle' that father recovered in his business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so used to nothing being absent in the table to eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my clothes for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this bed for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my family's financial support for granted and something 'they must do'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider me as being 'very spoiled' girl in the family

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take my life for granted, life as the breath here as ALL i REally am.

I do not accept and allow myself to be impressed by money

I do not accept and allow myself to care about the amount of money someone owns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place resistance towards money talks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to see the actual truth of myself towards money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'money solves it all' not realizing that money is but a convention and it's inexistent

octubre 05, 2008

inspecting trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'I will go backwards' If I experience myself again with a male in my world

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to still be defining me according to who I was in the past and placing it as a 'background' for the future to come

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I still have 'much to live' with regards to my experience with another one walking along with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give head to future projections and expectations of how I will be living and how the 'future' will be playing out for me, not realizing that in doing so, I'm not living here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having placed my trust in partners and past relationships because of how I deemed that 'they would never cheat on me' because I had placed trust on them, therefore,

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire 'being payed' with the same coin by me placing trust on people and wanting people to trust me back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in being dishonest with others in an indirect way as being part of a cheating moment with another one therefore, breaking trust points within another as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only now see that I experienced myself as being safe within trust points in a relationship..

ok I'll expand this in my yournal.

octubre 04, 2008

tired of desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely and wanting, desiring some kind of contact with another person with whom I can communicate with face to face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it it's been too long since being with someone in a sexual way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a desire a confirmation that "I am alive" by having some kind of contact with a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustration by not being able to be with someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel being tired of desiring

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire defining my current experience in a certain mood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself within past relationships as being happy and fulfilled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will simply not be able to forget him at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I'm not able to completely detach from him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep regret and rancor towards parents because of them never accepting my relationship with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel anger and rancor towards anyone that has criticized me for being with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being back in vulnerability and back in fear because of just giving this etching to him. AH this is stupid really

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely stupid by gazing out my window just to see if I see him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be directed by the mind to do and make things that certainly just keep me bound to memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I need someone or something to be with today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a self pity face because of my desires to be with him or someone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel incapable of meeting new people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I won't be able to have fun again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because of apparently going to be alone for the rest of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having fun just as others talk about having fun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire going back to the time when I was blissful in my ignorance, not realizing this is just bullshit here, going back to not living at all but merely playing the part in the role I created for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to right now have a sappy face because of thinking that I desperately need someone to be with, to talk with etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that if I see that particular man with another one I will feel 'bad'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separate from past men in my life, not realizing I am one and equal to them, I just haven't allowed myself to not be defined by those past relationships

I stop all desires of the mind to make me go seeking a contact, a bond, an attachment to hold on to

I do not accept and allow myself to keep seeking for 'perfect match' for me to experience myself with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always been just interested in being with men I was attracted to in a strong or slight way, otherwise, there was no interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create interest in a person not realizing that this is merely declaring that I am not accepting a part of myself as myself and instead, go seeking it somewhere else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel such a fool by wondering and existing in past right now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find myself a purpose in this life as sharing my art with people I used to be with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of sex while knowing that others are having sex

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself and suppress myself within this thoughts and desires.

No more, I'm tired of this really.

till here no further.

A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I made a mistake in putting that etching in A's mail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire any kind of recognition of my current activity as making etchings by A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it was 'weak' from me wanting to give that etching to A in his mailbox

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give it to him because he likes my drawings

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that there isn't a bond anymore with us

why did I put that etching in his mailbox? Because he'd suggested me to share some music and leaving it in his mailbox. I've got no "new" music to share so I decided to just drop an etching in his mailbox. After all I don't mean to awaken anything by it, just want him to have it ... why? because he appreciates art and that's it. Am I justifying myself? could be, could be not. Really I'm just torturing myself with expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations with regards to A's reactions and wondering what he will think when he sees the etching

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider this very act of putting that etching in his mailbox as a weakness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable now that he acknowledges the fact that i wanted him to see my etching

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having all those secrets within me as still not being able to completely forget about him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and exist in uncertainty and doubt towards any reaction, not realizing that I shouldn't care on reactions/expectations but only what is certain, which is he will have it and that's it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'good' knowing that his mother will be going back to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustration by not being able to talk to him and know how he's really doing

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still care about him, how he's doing and about his current health state

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place 'hope' in him liking the etching instead of just giving it unconditionally, sharing it, that's it no big deal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over analyze the simple act of sharing instead of just doing it, without seeking any specific consequences or aftermath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel melancholic towards the specific moments in the past where I used to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire bringing back moments that doesn't exist anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire seeing him just to 'prove' myself and my reactions towards him still

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the mind's 'last resort' in keeping me attached to someone of this world in such a strong way that doesn't allow me to just BE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that such a bond is strong not realizing, really it isn't strong it's just the mind's last resort therefore it intensifies it to keep it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward with regards to my past and the relationship with A and people knowing about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what others think or have to say with regards to my 'relationship' with A going back and forth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an event that will keep me waiting or expecting an 'answer' a confirmation that he got it or any other comment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do this just to feel alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do such a thing as a statement of 'I'm here, I still exist, I want to share"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely stupid at this very moment for creating anxiety and nervousness by doing something by my own hand.

septiembre 26, 2008

Let's just be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone on friday afternoon

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat out of boredom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember leonardo and the times we used to be together every friday afternoon drinking coffee and strolling around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward in my own physical body today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I need a purpose to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience confrontation with 'mother' because of her fearing me going to SA next year

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire listening to A's music

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a stranger in the city, in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that just being sitting watching a movie is a 'waste of time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not doing all I have to do to be effective in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit sad because of not having someone to talk with, to really communicate with but myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss 'old friends' because at least I could talk with them about my stuff

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I ever really communicated and was intimate with friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to ignore passing in front of a's house and realizing that I am deliberately ignoring him. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still look up his window

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as 'sadness' without realizing that it is but a perception of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in anything outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place hope and concern in getting money to go to SA next year

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire listening to his music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that because we both are alone, we should be together

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to my mind's wondering about A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel I am wasting my time extensively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am wasting myself at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose the meaning of creating something like art

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fill my life with little 'must do's' and unimportant things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about money for a future moment to be able to go to SA

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special for being in private forum not realizing that I got myself in there and I am applying and that's it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'too far away' from people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my 'mother' saying that I am isolating myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not even imagine me being with someone intimate again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to 'mother's' perception of me never getting married.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discontent with myself at the moment, it is but a moment and it is because I'm not here but going up in the mind wondering about my past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember leonardo while walking the same road we used to take to go to the cafe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire knowing what past friends are currently up to.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to depend on the existence of those 'friends' to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that others are having 'much more fun' than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget who I really am and sink in mind thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I exist here alone as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that i cannot possibly spend my life alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward with regards to the physical body I exist within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem impossible to be with someone whom I can absolutely be intimate and communicate with in the same way.

septiembre 20, 2008

Loop in dream

Fuck .. the dreams betray part 2 once again... after exactly 10 days same situation, same scenario and me not standing up why?? because I get enrolled within the whole romance and kissing and being together with the exact same person.

And worst thing is that I knew I was just delightful in dream because well, A and I were together again, yes crappy deal again but this time in my twisted mind I tried to 'arrange' as if he was aware of process and so we were going to be in an agreement and so we were going to be just 'happy' together lol... that is clearly a dream but the deal is that I was dreaming that almost at the time I had to wake up and I clearly, consciously ditched the cellphone/vibrating alarm clock and decided to go back to such dream because I was enjoying myself just being with A again and all happy and blablalbla. What is clearly going on within me that this is a dream loop? hmm and I just not only dreamed of A but also about this guy I've dreamed before E. and I just don't know why--- maybe because I clearly once defined him as a cool, kicked back and settled guy. I dream he was here with me staying at home (he's not from this city) and he even was going to take a shower and we were 'something' but not a relationship. . . but I found myself still a bit attracted to him but at the same time cool because we were supporting each other in a way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire want and need to linger to the 'kissing' with A because of my suppressed desires to do so every time I was with him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to exist and continue suppressing myself towards my desires to kiss A whenever I was with him because of him not liking to kiss people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be and become jealous whenever A told me that he'd kissed other girls

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be hurt by A telling me his stories of him being with other women with whom he would kiss and hug and do all that he rarely did with me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to despise A because of him never doing with me what he did with other girls

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still exist within and as the desire for him and for him to be 'ok ' and aware of process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream that he is aware of process and we are going through it together but also enjoying ourselves as a couple once again

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'we were a couple' when in fact this never wasn't true as we never settled 'what we were'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine and picture and live myself within the dream as being happy andjoyful and 'complete' again because of being back with A with a 'new' A that is past all depression and anxieties and fears and is ready to go through process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for being aware of wanting and desiring to 'go back' to sleep because of being dreaming about kissing and hugging with A once again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my current dreams and my current experience towards this dream as being ashamed and feeling a 'loop' within myself for not standing up in the dream

I stand up I DO NOT ACCEPT AND ALLOW MYSELF TO KEEP DREAMING IN EVER GOING BACK with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy myself within a dream and desire to keep generating these images within and as my mind to 'live' that which I wasn't able to live in real life and that which kept me bounded and suffering

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of kissing as the ultimate act of 'love' lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still desire to still be loved and cared and kissed by males

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be suppressing my inner most desires to be with someone, to seek and search for a potential agreement

That is unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use one man to make another one jealous

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I did was attracted to E. and I never quite realized this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire E to quit weed and him becoming aware of process because I deem him as an 'intelligent' and 'settled' guy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of E as a mature, responsible and nice guy

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to constantly dream of E because of all the suppressed feelings and emotions I had and experienced while being with him, but hid them because of deeming it all as 'not possible'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and having been a 'flirt' girl with E. because I wanted him to like me because I liked him back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually care and appreciate the moments I experienced with E. because of him being patient and easy going

I forgive myself that I ever desire doing something with him all the times that I stayed at his home or he stayed at mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as memories of going out with E. because of it being a 'cool friendship' if it was so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder how's E doing these days

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having freaked out E. the moment I told him about desteni

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all these ideas and perceptions of who E. is or was are not real and therefore, I STOP all mind perceptions towards something or someone of my past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in dream to desire being with E. because of me perceiving him as settled down

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see A as one and equal with me, therefore, still existing in suppressed desire to be with him

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see E. as one and equal with me, therefore, still existing within and as the desire, curiosity of being with him and seeing how he's been doing lately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been secretly 'liking' E. all these years without anyone knowing about it for certain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire suppressing my experience towards E. because of deeming it as 'impossible' and because of wanting to not 'fuck' the relationship by expressing myself towards him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire having a relationship and a sexual encounter with E.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get extremely drunk and high with E and even so, regretting never doing something with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not ever having kissed or being with E. in a more "intimate way"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire E and being with E. also to make my 'relationship partners' jealous whenever E. came to the city

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel extremely attracted to E. when seeing him again in the city, not mattering that I was then G's gf.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire visiting and seeing E because of the curiosity of knowing how he's doing lately

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be attracted to E. because of him being a 'problem' guy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept me as common sense and 'intelligence' that I saw and experienced with E.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to 'cheat' within my mind towards the guys I used to be with while being and thinking of E.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to not SEE that E. probably liked me and I liked him back though we never acted out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see E. as a very cool being with whom i could be with in an agreement with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that I would end up with a guy that likes deftones as much as I do and E. definitely is a deftones hardcore fan, lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider E. as an opportunity to be with someone who I could consider as being 'more intelligent' than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see E. as being 'more' than me within and as intelligence of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now desire seeing E. in a future concert to see how he's doing.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think of E as being a 'considerate' guy and a 'patient' guy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see him as being 'tender' with his little dog, therefore, thinking, believing and perceiving that he is just a sensitive being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted to the confidence he reveals within himself, not realizing that it is actually a shield to protect himself because of him actually being vulnerable to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impressed with E's abilities to solve computer problems

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being of the likes of E. because I deemed he only liked 'pretty girls' and i deemed myself as not being a pretty girl

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by E. because of not being a 'pretty' girl for him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deny my perceptions towards E. in fear of being rejected or in fear of breaking the friendship we had

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep myself secretly being liking E whenever I experienced myself with him.