junio 30, 2008

thellusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place illusion and hope in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only now realize that this is it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the psichosis that will be generated when stock markets finally crash

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to give up everything just to give way for what is to come

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I am being far too negative with my current perspective of the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed to judge myself as others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear discovering my own nature

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to disipate fears in this life and therefore, not being able to make it here into transcending this fears I have towards the unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ignorance is bliss because of my perception that people that are more innocent are the ones that will go out of body first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire going out of my body so I can prove it all for myself for once and for all

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to remain here as the moment and existing in too much mind related stuff such as questions, confusions and conclusions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that fears will numb my process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that there's no way out of this, not even in oneness and equality.

junio 29, 2008

Rage against the TV

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as rage towards my sister for having the tv on for 8 continuous hours and me having to listen to the noise of it all that time without my allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem my sister and her boyfriend as fucking stupid for staring at the TV for the whole afternoon, not realizing that they were completely hypnotized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I get hypnotized just by the sound of it as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as anger because of my sister watching tv all the afternoon in loud volume, so I had to bare the noise of it the whole time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise my family for all watching TV whenever they can

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem as lame the fact that they all 'gather' to watch the tv

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I would really like to punch and destroy a tv right now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, as human being, for being manipulated by the tv

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem and perceive that my family only live together because of tv, otherwise they would be 'thinking too much' and depressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become pissed off at the world for watching too much tv

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise tv so much to the point of not being able to watch more than 4 minutes lately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being in front of the computer is similar as staring in front of a tv, though I think, believe or perceive that I do something 'good' for myself in pc, while they are passive while watching TV

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that people that watch tv for a complete afternoon are sheeple and stupid fucks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compund anger and frustration because of family not being able to 'go to sleep' without having each one their TV set on.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be a slave for tv

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem the TV as being 'my best friend' when I was 7 years old and watching MTV

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even make homweork in front of tv watching music videos all day.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe the news I watched in TV

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize in my past that TV was a major control device, created to divert my attention from what's really going on in here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on internet now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I would be lost if I didn't have internet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of my family as me for watching too much fucking tv and junk programmation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my family to be part of the herd watching tv

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my family to place a tv in each room to make sure no diversion is missed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid by watching 4 minutes of soccer today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that people are slaves to tv

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise slaves of tv and people that only talk about tv shows and tv stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think that I had been raised by TV.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as anger for the light that's been used while they all have their tv sets on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the noise of tv affects my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel controlled by having to endure the tv on whenever someone else is watching and I have to listen because there's no way out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having to endure something that I'm not willing to do in the first place, having no option to escape.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that my sister's relationship is lame for her basing it in watching tv a whole afternoon together

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be hypnotized by tv, placing myself entire afternoons in front of it as well.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place my knowledge and information in condition of TV's knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that i ever accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the TV

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of the herd while being watching TV when I was a kid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to despise the mere idea of TV now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge anyone that watches any kind of tv right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise people that watch TV not realizing that I musn't be offended or bothered by others life decitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control other people's ways of diversion or entertainment in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at people sitting in rows watching soccer game downtown because of deeming them as monkeys.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to offend monkeys and comparing them to human beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise myself as human being for being too fucking pre conditioned to exist in this world as a mere slave.

this is the tough one: I am one and equal to all human beings in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that there's actually something 'to do' in this world


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that making people stop watching TV could actually make a change in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thinkb elieve and percieve that there's an actual possibility of change i this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the tv for the current state of humanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from television, not realizing that tv is but a manifestation of our minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by another systematic programmed illusion as the tv

ok enough about programs for today

junio 28, 2008

random fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be somewhat proud of all the 'achievements' I've had in my life, not realizing that they were all preprogrammed, preordained events in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'get used to' always being first or best in school specially, therefore, feeling as if I had to keep the same status in oneness and equality self realization process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my pride as something that wasn't existent, not realizing that it exists and it is hiding behind 'unnoticed' places within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blush whenever I don't understand what bernard is trying to say in a post in reply of one of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes feel like a fool not getting common sense instantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having defined myself, my whole life, as being a responsible person, not realizing that responsibility I was defining as doing homewerks and getting things done only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to catch myself in confusion for not being able to fully understand what's the deal going on with the allowance of drugs or alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive, that I need to get down from my self built cloud of superiority where I'm not even realizing I exist in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I'm being too hard on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive all of this being truly me, not realizing that this is but mind and system information as what exists currently in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that there exists contradiction in desteni with regards to the drug topic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have been perceived as the one that could solve it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel or perceive myself as jaded for not being 'moved' by other's situations in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being fucking with myself within and as self forgiveness and not applying it unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that I am so used to doing everything 'right' that now I fear being doing SF wrong or not getting the point of it all, therefore allowing me to doubt and not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted or allowed myself to exist within and as self trust as me as who I am in every moment, not allowing the mind to install or update fears within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of maybe dying by some natural catastrophe and not being able to make it here on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually think too much and not allow myself to exist here, within and as the breath, therefore complicating it all with self trust issues.

I am self trust, I live self trust from now on, no more doubts in me with regards to process, only assistance and support.

travel Inn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream about meeting Leila because of my desire to go travel to Europe to meet everyone at forum from Europe .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myselt to exist within and as frustration for not being able to travel to Europe to their reunion in Beilgium because of me not having money available to travel this year.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire very much going to SA so I could rather meet everyone there in summer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that at same time I probably 'am not ready yet' to go there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel kind of left out for not being able to travel now and just be an observer of how events unfold while everyone else's travelling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place hope in someday going to SA and meeting someone from forum there as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually do nothing to be able to earn myself some money so I can save and go to SA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self pity myself this way, lol, it's ridicule

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually place some hope in me being able to travel to SA somewhere next year

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire quitting all Iam currently in my world to join self support network with other forum members so we can start living and working for ourselves, for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at the expectation of how it will all unfold from others going to the farm... no expectation, just be there when the news arrive :)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration for not being able to 'meet Leila' in dream right when I was getting to the 'meeting place' because my cell phone vibrator thing went off so it was time to wake up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually think believe and perceive I was very happy to finally be at Leila's house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire making a good impression on her mom so she would allow us to be friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always feel the need to talk to my parents about SA or people I relate in forum so they know that I'm in this for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the desire of going to Europe so bad lately, lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel left out of family because of me being the only one that hasn't crossed the big poodle yet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive, that going to SA is lots lots of money and seems almost impossible to get the money

I will get the money and I will do what's required to be done to be able to make it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear staying here all the time,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying before I actually go to travel there

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that: all is here, no matter what I am here, I am all

thus words keeping myself in separation thinking that I must place myself in desire of doing something in able to achieve something... etc.. mindfuck

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my time will come for it all, so I have not to place a wish or desire on going there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and wish to go to Europe or SA because I see that it could really change my life going there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place expectations in meeting people of desteni forums and people at desteni, because of me having developed 'a bond' with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a 'special bond' with the whole desteni creation because of how my life has changed since I discovered it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit ashamed of actually having much gratefulness towards people doing this, not realizing that they know what oneness and equality is, therefore, they do it in statement of oneness and equality as life as all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not ever going to SA

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive, that my life could be gone in any minute and I'm not ready for that yet.

I am here,
I am ready

junio 27, 2008

Beeing nice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as being nice while communicating and interacting with others in means of creating a 'nice environment'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as being 'nice' to others in order to be accepted and be liked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt about the 'nice' experience within me as being part of myself or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and experience myself as being nice to other people in order to not create enemies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use specific high-pitch tone of voice whenever I want to present myself as being nice to someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my experience according to the tonality of voice I use while communicating with other beings in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive, that people accept me just because I am a 'nice' person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as a 'nice' person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive this 'nice' application within me comes as a transmitted pattern from both my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem 'being nice' as a quality within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that being nice is actually an application used to get along with people and avoid conflict and/or confrontation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever shift from being nice to being totally pissed off, angry or frustrated towards others the moment the situation got out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that by being nice, I was actually being in control of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being nice to others in not a 'conscious' way because of who it is so ingrained within my perceived personality.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be perceived as a nice person by other people, therefore taking this as a compliment and fueling my ego.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that being 'nice' to people is an application used in means of protection towards possible aggression or rejection from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the application of being nice only with people I was interested in relating to, therefore, placing myself as blunt 'normal' with people which I perceived as not important relating to.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally relate myself to people not mattering if they seem 'of importance' or not in my world. All as one as equal as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'being nice' as being smiling and using a high pitched voice in order to be perceived as sweet or innocent, not being able to do harm to anyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm someone with my words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear harming someone with the words I speak, therefore, thinking believing and perceiving that by being 'nice' all the time, I avoid any kind of frictions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined as being nice and accepting the definition as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as being nice, therefore creating the polarity manifestation of not being nice or being unpleasant to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being nice taking it as an input within my experience while meeting new people and/or relating to people with whom I usually relate to in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself being 'nice' to others because of the desire existing within me to create certain ease or relief in their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being nice to others in order to 'help them' out with any situation I would experience myself in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes consider I am too nice to people even though they later would 'stab me' in the back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel abused by the 'nice' application I used within myself, because of beings taking advantage of my disposition to be 'there' for them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy being tagged as 'nice person' because it would lead me to easy relating in my world with other people.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place myself as being nice to people, no matter what, in order to 'set the example' to others as how they would have to relate to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that by being nice it would be easier for me to take any sort of benefit or advantage over others because of my 'perceived' personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my parents as being nice people, therefore, me thinking believing and perceiving that I'm copying their application in order to be liked and accepted by many.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of being nice to that of being a 'humble' person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire portraying myself as being a 'humble person' in order to be able to fit anywhere, and try and set the example for others to follow.

junio 26, 2008

Expansion on food forgiveness

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am what I eat and I eat what I am

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to hinder the enjoy of me as food as eating while existing within and as the worry of mind thinking of the possible damage, weight gain I could get from consuming that particular food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire fulfilling my food requirements, not realizing that it isn't about desiring food, but taking food as one and equal with me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to enjoy food as me, as the support my body requires instead of taking it in separation of myself with fears and worries and concerns of what the food may or may not do within my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience discomfort within myself whenever I eat junk food because of the idea/belief/perception that it's junk, therefore, it is something useless to eat and that hinders the nutritional elements to be 'correctly' absorbed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take certain foods, mainly meat related, in fear of eating a dead animal corpse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take certain foods, mainly meat related, in fear of them creating a discomfort or irregularity within my stomach as the digestion process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that whenever I think of food, or the thought of food arrives to my mind, I must give way to that thought by actually fulfilling it in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be present here as the breath while eating, therefore existing within and as the mind thinking what I'm next going to eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat in fear while eating certain foods because of me fearing gaining weight from that specific meal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes abuse of eating desserts because of my perception that it is a delight and a pleasure that I give myself now that I have no other thing to delight myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food as that which could fill the 'hole' or the 'void' within myself, not realizing that food only keeps me occupied in the mind, and not actually here, as who I am as the breath.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the consumption of food is actually the consumption of myself as food, therefore, while abusing or having food binges, I am abusing myself, taking more than that which is really required by my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes go for the food that I know tastes sweet and will satisfy me, instead of that food which is actually required by my human physical body to nourish itself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I nourish me, not the food, I am the food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the time of eating as a moment to forget about my application within and as forgiveness applied in every moment of every breath if existing in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty after eating some meal that I know contained lots of calories, carbohydrates or fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire not having to endure the effects of fat in my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger or frustration when my mother would bother me with my weight, or my sisters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel guilty whenever I would catch myself eating more than required, therefore feeling that it would all turn to fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the fat in meals, therefore, using light prodcuts, not anymore now.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself of eating certain meals, not realizing that it isn't about not eating them at all, but about the quantity and quality of meal I eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience discomfort within myself, affecting my 'self esteem' whenever I experience myself having over weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to get rid of overweight as easy as other people not realizing that metabolisms are different in every single being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at myself in the mirror whenever I've experienced myself as being fat or having overweight, therefore, fearing my picture presentation of body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated and exist within and as fear of my picture presentation because of the way the clothes will fit me now, being tight and not loose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive, that during my periods I'm allowed to over eat because my body requires so. It is not true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my picture presentation as being fat or chubby or overweight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only experience comfort within my human physical body when I think, believe and perceive myself to be ok in weight, not overweighted.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience shame or embarrassment whenever anyone pointed out that I had gotten thicker or fatter or more chubby.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to describe myself as being chubby.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my body to that of my sisters, therefore not accepting me as who I am within and as my human physical body as it is.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself toe xperience embarrassment whenever I was with someone and having no clothes and therefore, fearing that other person judging me for not being slim person. lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I was better looking while being not so chubby or fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that food brings happiness or fulfillment, temporary fulfillment creating a benefit within and as my experience in the moment.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself as self discipline in order to watch what I eat in order to keep myself fit, to be what I require myself to be, to nourish my body and not over feed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that acceptance with people came from body standards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create resistance towards me in terms of stopping eating when I don't need more food.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself as self discipline to eat only that which my body requires and eat with awareness each and every single food or meal that I consume every single day of my life.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as being less than or inferior in comparison of girls that I deemed as being fit, slim, slender and thin.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to despise the genetically transmitted body type, being that of 'the old chubby woman' as I perceived it to be... like renaissance woman, lol.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to envy the kind of body that is slender by nature, so I wouldn't have to struggle to keep myself fit watching what I eat all time.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be physically described by someone else as being fat or chubby. lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get the eating sensation running in my head therefore creating the actual craving for food to be immediately satisfied

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to weigh value on myself dependent on my picture presentation with regards to the wight and the amount of fat in my body

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire want and need to be 'fit' in order to move freely around the world.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to eat certain foods because of my idea, belief or perception of them being able to cause myself a stomach disease or a gain in weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to concern about food because of the chemicals within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear body depletion because of the food control that exists within this world by the elite wanting to kill people, or create diseases spread by food.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to prefer light products over regular products in order to reduce fat in meals I eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear eating light products because of population reduction and the chemicals within the deemed 'healthy' and 'light' foods in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as inferior to north americans, as mexican, for probably getting the worst meals from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the scarcity of basic meals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes abuse of chocolate because I enjoy it very much.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deem that I'm allowed to over eat whenever i'm in holidays or in another place that isn't my house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my expression in consideration of my current weight and therefore, experiencing discomfort within and as myself as my human physical body whenever I perceive myself as being over weighted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem myself as being overly obsessive with watching the food I eat in order to get the maximum nutrients and maximum satisfaction in taste.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge food accordingly to the taste or picture presentation they present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to praise food because it's what we require to exist.

junio 23, 2008

mother matrix, bothered not being alone and more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of woman to being a mother, therefore deeming a woman's purpose in life was that of birthing children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of mother to that of earth, therefore, thinking, believing and perceiving that earth provides us with care just like a mother does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea and concept of earth to that of fertility, therefore, existing within and as the idea of womanhood being linked to being fertile and being able to give birth to children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of woman to that of being fertile because of woman having breasts to feed and a uterus to bare a child in formation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose focus in my self forgiveness because of Amanda suddenly irrupting in the house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my "peace" is now gone because of her playing music and being with a friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define peace accordinlgy to experiencing myself alone in this house, therefore, perceiving my peace is gone because of not being alone anymore in here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustration for not being able to be alone here now, because amanda did come to house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated for now not being able to remain in silence because of amanda being here, thererfore, me thinking believing and perceiving that I must talk to her when I really don't want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of maternity to the idea of tender, sweetness, care and protection towards a newborn.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire having a baby preferably being a boy named Nathaniel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed by the presence of amanda now.. wtf is going on with me. lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now despise amanda because of me not accepting and allowing myself to second her dishonesty in life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become pissed of at amanda for her not being able to clean the house at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that I would've liked to have a brother with whom I could enjoy same music and go to concerts together.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the idea and concept of woman to that of sensitivity, care, strenght and pain endurance.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by the presence of anyone else when I was decided to remain alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being alone at home, therefore, experiencing discomfort by not being alone anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike the presence of other human beings while I had decided to be and remain alone in this apartment.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to take the activity of drawing as a way of understanding myself, to get out stuff from my unconscious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my mother wants needs and requires to get ourselves having babies in order to follow her steps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I can't stand the odor of weed that comes and stems from amanda's room.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of femininity to that of purity, tender and care, even softness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing myself being emotionless therefore being perceived as jaded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the experience of being alone is the thing I enjoy the most.

I enjoy myself here, not mattering if i'm alone or not.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire only being alone, because I perceive that's the only way I am able to be stable, not having to deal with anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that life was about experiencing myself in the verge of falling off a cliff, that meaning, creating, activating, existing within and as emotions all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that amanda is gay, lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for being a visual vicious, wanting to fill the room with paintings and pictures, not realizing that I got the visual viciousness as well.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for her being pregnant without having been married, therefore

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire telling this to her face so she could be sure that I wasn't going to make the same mistake as her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive, that I got that "suffering feeling" throughout my life, even if I had nothing to really suffer about, because of having had the umbilical cord around my neck while i was in my mother's womb

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my mother wasn't "strong enough" to give birth to me in a natural way, not realizing that I wasn't just able to be birthed in a natural way, due to umbilical cord being around my neck twice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that because of me having the umbilical cord around my neck, I was doomed to be a sad girl, suffering in life or doomed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being left alone right now, not having to be with anyone at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and percieve that women were superior to men because of woman's ability to endure birth pains.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to think, believe and perceive that women were superior to men because of woman's brains having the ability to be multi-tasked.. .)have i done this one? maybe)

Ok. I stop here
I am here, I remain stable, not mattering if i'm alone or with company
I forgive mysefl that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to desire breaking all my relationships to people right now, so I don't have to still deal with them as the person I used to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose all meaning to this activity called art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the concept or idea of fertility to the concept of sacredness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the word sacred required respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that while being in sacred places, I had to remain still and never cruise my arms or legs, because of fear of being disrespectful.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I had to visit ancient sacred places in order to be part of those who recognize the existence of god.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fully believe in god

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem the concept of mother earth, as loving and caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now separate myself too much from word love, deeming it as impossible and Illusion, not realizing that I am all as one and equal to all words in existence.

I am one and equal to earth
I am one and equal to fertility
I am one and equal to manhood
I am one and equal to womanhood
I am beyond genres
I am all as one as equal as life here within and as the breath.

junio 18, 2008

school , fears and accomplishments

11:20 am. 12:20 pm. 1:20 pm. 2:30 pm. 3:20 pm. 4:30 pm. 5:20 pm. 6:30 pm. 7:30 pm. 8:40 pm. 9:40 pm. 10:50 pm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of hurting people's feelings
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of being embarrassed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear of conflict
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear engaging in a conflictive situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that look like robbers or have the appearance of being violent and aggressive.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to condition my self expression because of fearing someone might be offended by the words I speak.
I forgive myself that i ever accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking and saying something "I shouldn't" in fear of speaking the truth about someone my mother was trying to hide.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to take the blame for all the stuff that went wrong and thus, belittle ling myself for believing and perceiving i was such a drag
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to disrupt my being when becoming extremely angry and frustrated by having been scolded on something I didn't deem as being wrong but my parents did.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to cry for hours when I was a little girl because of the rage and anger I felt towards my mother for having scolded me about something.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and pissed off at my parents when i was three years old because of them losing me in a fun park for couple of hours.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be a whiner as a little girl because of me being hurt by cousin's trying to make fun of me and taking advantage of my innocence, not wanting to speak mean words or do "bad" actions.
i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear getting dirt on my clothes and shoes and socks in fear of being scolded by my father
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had a repressed childhood because of me not being allowed to play in the dir, therefore, me not enjoying or wanting to play in the dirt as other kids did
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having been an extremely responsible girl ever since i first entered to school, therefore, perceiving that I didn't enjoy myself as openly as other kids in fear of losing my place.
i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed msyelf to think, believe and perceive that my place in the world was that of being the example for others, the role model to follow, the one that always got everything right and well done.
i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to become sad and frustrated whenever I didn't fill my own "expectations" of result towards a certain specific task i was required to do in school.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel challenged by other kids in order to compete about who got the highest grades of all.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel attacked by omar by him wanting and desiring to "beat me" in terms of getting higher grades than me in second grade of elementary school.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to reject recognition from teachers and parents for me being "such a good student"
I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to be defined as a good student in school.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged for not filling the expectations of people whenever I did fucked it all up and then, I felt like I wasn't good enough or I had betrayed myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable for my father wanting to buy me stuff and gifts for me getting good grades.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel mercy for others that god low grades and pleaded me to give them a piece of my mind.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to actually think, believe and perceive that I was a special being for being able to do everything ok at school without a great amount of effort
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my mind was a privileged one because of me being able to grasp ideas, concepts, theories, knowledge and information easy and without a great amount of effort
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get tired of being the one that first got to be asked the questions in class because of teachers knowing that I had been the one that made the homeworkd or work, therefore, me thinking I was there to set the example for others.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel cool and feel good whenever I got to help others in school tasks, making them understand what was required to be done, therefore, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be flattered my people saying thanks for your help, and thus, feeding my ego as "the one that got it always right"
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get to the point of being uncomofortable for being the one that always got things right, and when I didnt', I would get embarrassed or ashamed of myself.
i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe an perceive that I can know how a person is just by watching them, listening to their words and expressions so I could fit my expression to that which I perceived in them
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that i was more aware than my teachers in school, and more aware than any classmate of mine.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel special in school because I felt different from the perspective of noticing things that others didn't notice easily, such as attitudes, relationships inside the classroom, relationship teacher-student, etc.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed by noldi, an english teacher, that made fun of me by talking about 2012 and the events that could develope in the world back in 2005.

I forigve myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever desire and wanting to challenge a teacher because of me perceiving them not being "good enough" or "smart enough" to be a teacher.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever become pissed off at my design teacher in first year because of him not mantaining promises and therefore, breaking our illusions of going to etching workshop instead of his perceived boring class.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that everytime I would get pissed off and mad at anyone I was taking the fierce of me into the outside, making everyone be shocked by my expression, because of them thinking and perceiving that I was a really calm person.

i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be perceived as a very calm and relaxed, chilled out person when in fact many times I would be experiencing anxiety and discomfort inside me.

i forgive msyelf that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel flattered by the recognition I would get in public, in front of other students and teachers, of the "great" grades I used to have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to get used to having excellent grades my whole student life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself accordingly to my experiences in school.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel constricted by my life being only about home and school.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I wasn't fully enjoying myself because of not having an alternate activity besides school.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make my parents be used of me getting good grades, therefore, them not being "amazed" anymore.
I forgive myself that i ever accepted and allowed myself to experience pity and shame for others because of them not being able to get as good grades as me, and therefore, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and pity for them acknowledging my skills in school.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed msyelf to think, believe and perceive that I had a leading role in any classroom i would be placed in
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my participation and attendance to class was of great importance because of me being a good listener, therefore, thinking I could be asking helpful questions for me and others.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive me having more affinity with certain people in school than with others, based on lifestyle preferences, musical tastes, ways of talking, ways of having fun, etc. therefore, existing within and as separation of those that weren't of my preference

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire or wanting to have a little less brain to be able to live in bliss of ignorance, focus in self image and be pretty like those girls that would only dress in pink and talk about guys and fashion all day long.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that my brain actually had a different capacity that others wouldn't have because it was the only way I could fathom others not being able to learn what I was ablet to learn at ease.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being recognized as a different, unique, special, one of a kind person because of me not wanting to be part of the herd

i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feed my ego whenever anyone would express their admiration and respect for me, as who I was defined by being a good student and a nice person.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be defined as being intelligent person
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be defined as a responsible person
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be defined as an "all knowing" person
I forgive myslf that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be defined as a unique person
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be flattered by others comments on myself in those school spiritual retreat where everyone would come up "honest and sincere" towards each other.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sometimes force myself to get along with some people just because of embracing them all.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and pity for those that got scolded and exposed for not being responsible,not being good enough at school.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear being portrayed as the one that got everything alright all time, therefore, fearing creating envy and bad vibes coming from other people.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating with people in fear of saying the wrong thing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment by other people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking out of place
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to explain myself when people don't understand
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience fear in my interaction with other human beings because of the "position in authority" they represented.

junio 17, 2008

deeming

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel constricted, suppressed, restrained within and as my free expression because of being in house with family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by listeing to thei conversations
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed msyelf to judge my mother and sisters for following other's crap

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad because i didn't write as much as other days

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by my parents criticizing my image presentation
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered when my sister said that I've alays worried about fat
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to think, believe and perceive that my mother and sisters worry about superficial useless shit
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only enjoy being at parents home when I'm all alone, therefore, existing within and as constricting feeling while being here when they are around.
I forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to despise my mother for her spanking moka and scolding her because she peed on the floor of the living room not just once.

i forgive myself tha t I have acepted and allowed myself to competely lost track of breathing today, all day long

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that this day was fucked because of sleeping almost 8 hours today, therefore, feeling fucked because of recharging it all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear moka could die soon.

.......... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I only express myself freely, without a shield on, with shakti and moka

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I can relate only to certain people in my world, those going through process of self realization in awareness at desteni, therefore, existing within and as separation towards those that arenj't aware deeming them as lost.

junio 16, 2008

mONEy

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive, that I needed a secure way of lifestyle by having a high income to live in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire becoming a famous rockstar or artist so i could have a large income and have fun while getting lots of money to enjoy myself

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that money is a synonym of power

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that large amounts of money was a synonym of being able to enjoy life and have fun.

I forgive myself that i ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that life was all about getting money to survive, therefore existing in turmoil inside for me not desiring to make a living just for money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise the current world order that depends on exploitation of people in order to gain the most and make those rich, richer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that money is a survival thing in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing all money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as dependency for money to make a living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that money blinds people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to enter the money system myself as a producer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am a parasite because I live from my father's money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my family as a source of money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my family as a source of food and accommodation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive, that without my family supporting me, i would be lost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents dying therefore, having to do something for my own to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I have an inheritance assured so i have not to worry about my future and money. That is, nothing i can really trust on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever desire wanting to have as much money as certain people in my world.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge other people's lifestyles accordingly to their financial situation.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to dis rich people for spending their money in useless stuff.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be a miser with money in order to have money kept in case something would come up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from money, deeming it as a weapon as much as a tool

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel inferior to people who had more money than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel superior to people that had less money than me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to distinguish people by their social status and the amount of money they seemed to have

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire, wanting to be a girl with lots of money to live a luxurious comfortable life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive, that money is something bad because it's the motor of this consciousness

I am one and equal to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create separation within myself towards money deeming me as impossible of getting it from the stuff I currently do in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I wouldn't ever be able to make as much money as my father in one lifetime
lol

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry or mad or frustrated for my parents using money in perceived "useless" stuff because of me wanting that money to be used in something that would benefit myself directly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want need and desire it all being in benefit for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having become interest in me having great unique pieces of clothing in order to create myself a "unique personality"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever wanting and desiring clothes

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to care about the brand of clothing, therefore, being following my sister's and mother's steps on buying clothes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about the price in stuff so I could deem it as something with quality or not

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to enjoy going in shopping spree with my family for days.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to buy tennis shoes compulsively

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire, want and have the need to have something i saw in a store available for purchase

i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to become a compulsive cd buyer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to currently feel guilty for having bought many cd's that i find useless now

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to enjoy going buying many books at once, spending some amount of money that I perceive I could now save for a trip

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for having bought useless stuff in my past

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to spend money on drugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for having spent large amount of money in drugs

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that the amount of money I got wasn't enough.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire wanting or needing to have more money so I could buy many cd's, books or clothes.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define having money as having a higher and better lifestyle

I am one and equal to all, no better, no worse.. I am one and equal beyond money separations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem money as god, therefore, the real separation belief in this world

junio 15, 2008

My name

Ok marlen it's .. a name... made out of two names.. my mother chose it. I'm my mother's name and some aunt's name contracted into one.

Ok. Mar means sea in spanish
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think,believe and perceive that my name contains the meaning of sea within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my name is my mother's will and infatuation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that my father had no right to choose my name

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be defined by the name I have within and as a mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that i didn't like name Elena because of it's sound and because it it my aunt's name.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my name was a contraction of María Elena, which isn't the case

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel flattered by a jewish boy because he declared that he liked me and my name and found similarity of name with Marilyn, saying that even the mole had something to do like that.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my name sounds harmonious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge my parents for not placing an accent in my name in order to be pronounced correctly, such as Marlén

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be bothered when people add a last letter to my name, rather it is E or an A or ON

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dislike having part of my mother's name in my name, therefore,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive, that I am connected more with my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge my mother for not accepting the name marlene and therefore, removing the last E because it isn't the regular marlene name, but a "new" one she created.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my separation within my family for being the daughter that has no Y starting letter in name, such as my sisters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my sisters are similar because of their birthdays and names and that I made the difference by being named Marlen and having been born in september.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that by being born in a september 1st, i was ruled by the oneness contained in my day of birth, therefore, believing and perceiving and thinking that i had a special mission in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by a name of this world, therefore, existing within and as definitions of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered when my mother expresses tenderness towards me, which is rare, but what happens is she seems to like bothering me that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had found my nemesis when I met maría elena.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that i was too similar to maria elena, even by the name.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be bothered when people asked if we were sisters or cousins or anything family related.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my name contains the name margarita and elena in one.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I have no other attached meanings to my name, therefore, existing within and as wonder of what could possibly be ruling me.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward by saying my own name out loud and finding it a bit difficult to pronounce for the conjunction of the R and the L

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel weird by people saying my full name as if they were scolding me, because of me being more used to be call by nicknames.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always create a reaction within me whenever someone calls me by my name, weird.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel being 'rejected' whenever my family calls me by name marlen, because of being used to be called 'may' or any other nickname instead of using my full name

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as marlen only for school and outsiders from family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that when a family member calls me marlen, they aren't 'ok' with me at the moment, they are 'rejecting me' at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the name marlen as being strong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that when beings at school call me marlen, they 'know me more' than those that don't know my name

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself within and as the different names and nicknames I've had throughout my life by different people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay 'more attention' to people that call me by my name in comparison to those who don't call me by name

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to teachers, classmates and others calling me marlen, but feeling 'awkward' and 'weird' whenever parents, sisters or any other family member calls me by that name.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place me within and as definitions as my name according to who would speak my name.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my name was made to be repeated over and over and over again.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become sleepy while writing self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being called Len but no one never did

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be extremely bother whenever I find someone else being named marlen, therefore existing within and as a relationship of possession towards my name.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to dislike the fact that my cousin's gf's name is Marlene

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by some people when they called me MarlenE

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that a's friend named Arlen, was a fuck up planned and a set up for me to go through my life in order to transcend my limitations towards my name.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by Arlen being called just like be, but me perceiving that she lacked something to be like me, as her name lacking the M that apparently defines me.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that i t was too fucked up that her name is Arlen because she also was in some friendship with ariam at same time, therefore, him stating that we both were his best friends... and me thinking it's fucked that i'm named marlen and she is named arlen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise the set ups and preprogrammed manifestations in this world.

lol maybe it was specifically placed for me to transcend this definition within and as my name, by having this girl being close and in separation of myself

I am one and equal to Arlen

i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by arlen's presence when i was with a.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that arlen was challenging me as not being possessive over a.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that I had a special contract or definition within and as a's life

I forgive myself that I acepted and allowed myself to fear losing A. because of him preferring Arlen over me..

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward while listening him telling almost like my name but with a letter missing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the name of Arlen is missing an M

i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the letter M to mother, milk, mujer (woman in spanish)

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link the letter M to the symbol of zodiacal sign virgo which is the one i was born under.

i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be defined or identified as a virgo.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered when a friend calls me ma, just like mother in short.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to like when people call me mar, because the sea comes to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire going to the sea.

I am one and equal to the name Marlen

I define no separations with me and name marlen as who I really am

i am not defined by my name in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people according to the way they call me, the specific tone of voice/and wording of the name -adding or changing letters- in order to 'make it their own' as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that when people call me by my name, I'm more 'recognized' I am more 'known' to others, therefore, making it something cool because it would mean, ' I got choice'.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame mother for placing me this name onto me, instead of realizing that it was already pre programmed pre ordained within and as the MCS within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined specifically by a name as the personality design of the mind I've believed and perceived myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay 'more attention' than usual whenever I hear my name, whenever I read my name because of still defining me within and as that particular order of letters forming the word marlen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people noticing that my signature is very similar to the record store logo mixup

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive people according o¿to their name.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place definitions onto people according to the names they have.

junio 14, 2008

colors

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate the removal of nail polish in my hands for a long time, in fear of losing that which i enjoyed looking in my hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself tothink, believe and perceive that my hands look a bit "lifeless" without color in them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the color on my nails.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to enjoy people recognizing it as my trade mark red/wine color, naming it as rojo marlen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the color i would wear in a day would determine my mood, my way of living while wearing certain colors

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to attach colors to the definition of people and their personalities accordingly to their perceived "favorite colors"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that blue, green and purple have been tagged as my favorite colors

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a personality within and as the clothes I wear with similar hue of colors

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by a particular hue of colors i own in clothes

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that particular "chosen" or "preferred" hue of colors as autumn colors, therefore, still having a particular attachment to certain earth colors defining them as part of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this same particular choosing of colors within and as my paintings, therefore, allowing me to now perceive I have trademark in colors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe or perceive that I can create atmospheres by the use of colors

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive, that colors had special energetic vibrations attached to them, therefore, colors were able to create a direct effect on those that perceived them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have preferences over certain colors.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem certain colors as being ugly or not pleasant for my sight

i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being in front of Rothko's paintings in order to get some sort of color experience within and as the painting perception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel mesmerized by the nature of an earth color

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link certain colors inevitably with colors of nature

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever accept and allow myself to define me as a visual vicious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy looking at certain colors, therefore, having them around me constantly

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive, that white is emptyness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that red is attached to fire, love and sex

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link blue to the sky, the ocean, the wind, calm, relaxation, deeming it as soothing and pure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that green is linked to nature, life, plants, trees, and that i t was a good color to remain in focus while having to study or learn while at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to link yellow with sun, dried leaves, flowers, and happiness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that purple was a color that could mutate energies and vibrations, therefor, believing that purple had special powers.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to carry same back pack that was purple for long time because i thought, believed and perceived that purple was a nice color to have in my back everytime, as a shield or protection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer obscure tones of color than bright ones.

i forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to detach meaning or certain aspect to colors, therefore, existing within and as definitions within and as color experience/perception.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire knowing the "properties" of colors in order to create certain effects within people.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that colors really may change the atmosphere in a room while being on the walls

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my experience in this world accordingly to colors that surround me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem my favorite hue of colors as that which I perceive being all around me in my house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire wanting or needing to be defined within and as a certain hue of colors in order to gain myself an "identity" or "trademark"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined as having certain continuous use of colors in photographs, therefore, creating once again a trademark within and as me, locking myself into definitions and style recognition

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to dis colors when I used to wear all black clothes, because of my thought/belief/perception that colors were for happy and blind people.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that by me wearing colorful clothes now, i've transcended a definition within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive colors as part of self expression.

I am one and equal to all colors
Colors are but a perception, idea and projection of the mind
I am not defined by colors

junio 13, 2008

EMOtions and art

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever experience myself as being emotional

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever declare that emotions made me feel alive

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that life was about experiencing emotions and feelings

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that emotions such as despair would allow me to create art

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that I was made to experience myself fully in this life as being an emotional person, therefore, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deem that I was made to enjoy myself while being and experiencing emotions such as anger, frustration, loneliness that are but states of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and perceive that I was more sensitive towards emotions because of my idea/believe/perception of me being made to feed on emotions in order to be able to create art.

i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I was ok by feeling too much because i knew that artists experienced many emotions and feelings that would lead them to create "fabulous" art.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as being a temperamental person

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever perceive myself as enjoying pain and despair.

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to define me as a sensitive person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe on others comments about me having an unusual sensitivity and perception towards this world that allowed me to see what others didn't.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem myself as being easily harmed or injured by other's peoples comments ideas perceptions towards myself, therefore allowing mind to take over creating a turmoil inside me within and as emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I was a deeply emotional person, therefore, enjoying emotions such as depression as part of my perceived "nature" and life within this world.

i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as being emotional person because of having concerns about this world and therefore, perceiving me as being a "tortured, sensitive being" in this world

I forgive myself that i ever accepted and allowed myself to desire portraying me as being tough or not vulnerable in order to keep my insides safe.

i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and perceive that what I felt was real, was my nature, and was my unique expression within and as this life

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that being a deeply emotional person was as much as a gift and a curse to myself.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed msyelf to think believe and perceive that I could use art to let out all the emotions and frustrations i experienced inside me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear releasing me from emotions because of the attachment i have created between emotions as myself within and as the art creation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create emotions within me while listening to particular music of this world, therefore fueling my perception towards me being similar to artistic characters.

i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive, that i was brought into this world to experience emotions fully in order to be able to share a more sensitive and unique way of seeing the world as me through art creation.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that i had to reach a certain state within myself in order to create and bring out the sensitivity required to create "good" art

i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that there's such thing as good or bad art

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always hide my thoughts as emotions towards my family, therefore, thinking, believing and perceiving them as being secret and a private side of myself.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to become emotional while wondering about my life and the stuff i deemed as being fucked up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to criticize the stuff i do as art because of perceiving it all coming from a deeply emotional person, existing in turmoil, confusion, depression, anger and self hatred.