junio 23, 2008

mother matrix, bothered not being alone and more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of woman to being a mother, therefore deeming a woman's purpose in life was that of birthing children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of mother to that of earth, therefore, thinking, believing and perceiving that earth provides us with care just like a mother does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea and concept of earth to that of fertility, therefore, existing within and as the idea of womanhood being linked to being fertile and being able to give birth to children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of woman to that of being fertile because of woman having breasts to feed and a uterus to bare a child in formation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose focus in my self forgiveness because of Amanda suddenly irrupting in the house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my "peace" is now gone because of her playing music and being with a friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define peace accordinlgy to experiencing myself alone in this house, therefore, perceiving my peace is gone because of not being alone anymore in here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustration for not being able to be alone here now, because amanda did come to house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated for now not being able to remain in silence because of amanda being here, thererfore, me thinking believing and perceiving that I must talk to her when I really don't want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of maternity to the idea of tender, sweetness, care and protection towards a newborn.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire having a baby preferably being a boy named Nathaniel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed by the presence of amanda now.. wtf is going on with me. lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now despise amanda because of me not accepting and allowing myself to second her dishonesty in life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become pissed of at amanda for her not being able to clean the house at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that I would've liked to have a brother with whom I could enjoy same music and go to concerts together.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the idea and concept of woman to that of sensitivity, care, strenght and pain endurance.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by the presence of anyone else when I was decided to remain alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being alone at home, therefore, experiencing discomfort by not being alone anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike the presence of other human beings while I had decided to be and remain alone in this apartment.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to take the activity of drawing as a way of understanding myself, to get out stuff from my unconscious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my mother wants needs and requires to get ourselves having babies in order to follow her steps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I can't stand the odor of weed that comes and stems from amanda's room.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of femininity to that of purity, tender and care, even softness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing myself being emotionless therefore being perceived as jaded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the experience of being alone is the thing I enjoy the most.

I enjoy myself here, not mattering if i'm alone or not.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire only being alone, because I perceive that's the only way I am able to be stable, not having to deal with anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that life was about experiencing myself in the verge of falling off a cliff, that meaning, creating, activating, existing within and as emotions all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that amanda is gay, lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for being a visual vicious, wanting to fill the room with paintings and pictures, not realizing that I got the visual viciousness as well.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for her being pregnant without having been married, therefore

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire telling this to her face so she could be sure that I wasn't going to make the same mistake as her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive, that I got that "suffering feeling" throughout my life, even if I had nothing to really suffer about, because of having had the umbilical cord around my neck while i was in my mother's womb

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my mother wasn't "strong enough" to give birth to me in a natural way, not realizing that I wasn't just able to be birthed in a natural way, due to umbilical cord being around my neck twice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that because of me having the umbilical cord around my neck, I was doomed to be a sad girl, suffering in life or doomed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being left alone right now, not having to be with anyone at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and percieve that women were superior to men because of woman's ability to endure birth pains.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to think, believe and perceive that women were superior to men because of woman's brains having the ability to be multi-tasked.. .)have i done this one? maybe)

Ok. I stop here
I am here, I remain stable, not mattering if i'm alone or with company
I forgive mysefl that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to desire breaking all my relationships to people right now, so I don't have to still deal with them as the person I used to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose all meaning to this activity called art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the concept or idea of fertility to the concept of sacredness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the word sacred required respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that while being in sacred places, I had to remain still and never cruise my arms or legs, because of fear of being disrespectful.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I had to visit ancient sacred places in order to be part of those who recognize the existence of god.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fully believe in god

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem the concept of mother earth, as loving and caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now separate myself too much from word love, deeming it as impossible and Illusion, not realizing that I am all as one and equal to all words in existence.

I am one and equal to earth
I am one and equal to fertility
I am one and equal to manhood
I am one and equal to womanhood
I am beyond genres
I am all as one as equal as life here within and as the breath.

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