junio 18, 2008

school , fears and accomplishments

11:20 am. 12:20 pm. 1:20 pm. 2:30 pm. 3:20 pm. 4:30 pm. 5:20 pm. 6:30 pm. 7:30 pm. 8:40 pm. 9:40 pm. 10:50 pm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of hurting people's feelings
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of being embarrassed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear of conflict
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear engaging in a conflictive situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that look like robbers or have the appearance of being violent and aggressive.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to condition my self expression because of fearing someone might be offended by the words I speak.
I forgive myself that i ever accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking and saying something "I shouldn't" in fear of speaking the truth about someone my mother was trying to hide.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to take the blame for all the stuff that went wrong and thus, belittle ling myself for believing and perceiving i was such a drag
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to disrupt my being when becoming extremely angry and frustrated by having been scolded on something I didn't deem as being wrong but my parents did.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to cry for hours when I was a little girl because of the rage and anger I felt towards my mother for having scolded me about something.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and pissed off at my parents when i was three years old because of them losing me in a fun park for couple of hours.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be a whiner as a little girl because of me being hurt by cousin's trying to make fun of me and taking advantage of my innocence, not wanting to speak mean words or do "bad" actions.
i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear getting dirt on my clothes and shoes and socks in fear of being scolded by my father
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had a repressed childhood because of me not being allowed to play in the dir, therefore, me not enjoying or wanting to play in the dirt as other kids did
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having been an extremely responsible girl ever since i first entered to school, therefore, perceiving that I didn't enjoy myself as openly as other kids in fear of losing my place.
i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed msyelf to think, believe and perceive that my place in the world was that of being the example for others, the role model to follow, the one that always got everything right and well done.
i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to become sad and frustrated whenever I didn't fill my own "expectations" of result towards a certain specific task i was required to do in school.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel challenged by other kids in order to compete about who got the highest grades of all.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel attacked by omar by him wanting and desiring to "beat me" in terms of getting higher grades than me in second grade of elementary school.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to reject recognition from teachers and parents for me being "such a good student"
I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to be defined as a good student in school.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged for not filling the expectations of people whenever I did fucked it all up and then, I felt like I wasn't good enough or I had betrayed myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable for my father wanting to buy me stuff and gifts for me getting good grades.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel mercy for others that god low grades and pleaded me to give them a piece of my mind.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to actually think, believe and perceive that I was a special being for being able to do everything ok at school without a great amount of effort
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my mind was a privileged one because of me being able to grasp ideas, concepts, theories, knowledge and information easy and without a great amount of effort
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get tired of being the one that first got to be asked the questions in class because of teachers knowing that I had been the one that made the homeworkd or work, therefore, me thinking I was there to set the example for others.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel cool and feel good whenever I got to help others in school tasks, making them understand what was required to be done, therefore, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be flattered my people saying thanks for your help, and thus, feeding my ego as "the one that got it always right"
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get to the point of being uncomofortable for being the one that always got things right, and when I didnt', I would get embarrassed or ashamed of myself.
i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe an perceive that I can know how a person is just by watching them, listening to their words and expressions so I could fit my expression to that which I perceived in them
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that i was more aware than my teachers in school, and more aware than any classmate of mine.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel special in school because I felt different from the perspective of noticing things that others didn't notice easily, such as attitudes, relationships inside the classroom, relationship teacher-student, etc.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed by noldi, an english teacher, that made fun of me by talking about 2012 and the events that could develope in the world back in 2005.

I forigve myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever desire and wanting to challenge a teacher because of me perceiving them not being "good enough" or "smart enough" to be a teacher.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever become pissed off at my design teacher in first year because of him not mantaining promises and therefore, breaking our illusions of going to etching workshop instead of his perceived boring class.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that everytime I would get pissed off and mad at anyone I was taking the fierce of me into the outside, making everyone be shocked by my expression, because of them thinking and perceiving that I was a really calm person.

i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be perceived as a very calm and relaxed, chilled out person when in fact many times I would be experiencing anxiety and discomfort inside me.

i forgive msyelf that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel flattered by the recognition I would get in public, in front of other students and teachers, of the "great" grades I used to have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to get used to having excellent grades my whole student life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself accordingly to my experiences in school.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel constricted by my life being only about home and school.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I wasn't fully enjoying myself because of not having an alternate activity besides school.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make my parents be used of me getting good grades, therefore, them not being "amazed" anymore.
I forgive myself that i ever accepted and allowed myself to experience pity and shame for others because of them not being able to get as good grades as me, and therefore, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and pity for them acknowledging my skills in school.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed msyelf to think, believe and perceive that I had a leading role in any classroom i would be placed in
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my participation and attendance to class was of great importance because of me being a good listener, therefore, thinking I could be asking helpful questions for me and others.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive me having more affinity with certain people in school than with others, based on lifestyle preferences, musical tastes, ways of talking, ways of having fun, etc. therefore, existing within and as separation of those that weren't of my preference

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire or wanting to have a little less brain to be able to live in bliss of ignorance, focus in self image and be pretty like those girls that would only dress in pink and talk about guys and fashion all day long.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that my brain actually had a different capacity that others wouldn't have because it was the only way I could fathom others not being able to learn what I was ablet to learn at ease.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being recognized as a different, unique, special, one of a kind person because of me not wanting to be part of the herd

i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feed my ego whenever anyone would express their admiration and respect for me, as who I was defined by being a good student and a nice person.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be defined as being intelligent person
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be defined as a responsible person
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be defined as an "all knowing" person
I forgive myslf that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be defined as a unique person
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be flattered by others comments on myself in those school spiritual retreat where everyone would come up "honest and sincere" towards each other.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sometimes force myself to get along with some people just because of embracing them all.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and pity for those that got scolded and exposed for not being responsible,not being good enough at school.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear being portrayed as the one that got everything alright all time, therefore, fearing creating envy and bad vibes coming from other people.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating with people in fear of saying the wrong thing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment by other people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking out of place
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to explain myself when people don't understand
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience fear in my interaction with other human beings because of the "position in authority" they represented.

2 comentarios:

Leila dijo...

aaaaand another SF list that totally applied to me



sigh

Anu sure wasn't too creative in designing "different" personalities...

and maybe I should be grateful for that HA

malin dijo...

thanks marlen!