julio 18, 2008

sf painting

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to paint, therefore existing within and as procrastination to paint

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear 'the white canvass' not realizing I was fearing me as I am one and equal the canvass

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear painting because of not 'reaching' the desired outcome, meaning, not'liking the picture' not realizing it is only but self judging myself as the painting and as the mind that interprets a picture of its own

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wait until I knew I would be all alone at home to paint, because of me still numbing my expression when others are around

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear painting this particular picture because I knew it would be hanging on the walls of this very room

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that the painting 'wouldn't be of my mother and family's taste' because it is for the room in the house, not realizing I express me, in the moment, beyond all preconceptions and judgments of the mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I was going to 'mess it up' at some point, not trusting my self expression unconditonally here as me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to 'lose track' on the breathing while painting, thinking that because i'm painting I'm not thinking

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that painting enhances the mind, not realizing that if aware of breath in every moment, then its from starting point of being here as breath and not of mind

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to express myself here as the breath yet, therefore, still existing within and as thoughts while painting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I accessed 'the painting system' while painting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually 'like' the outcome, not realizing that it is beyond judgments of 'the outcome' as the painting, but the painting here as me, as self expression without any further separation of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'I did good job' because people in family liked it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit 'good' that they liked it, not realizing that I should not care about their judgments but only expressing myself unconditionally here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my family not liking it at all because then I would have 'no place' to put it off as it is rather big

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear 'today's self expression as painting' not realizing that I express myself here, beyond time or any other circumstance of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freak myself out by the shapes that come out unexpectedly or inadvertently in the painting, not realizing it is all in the eye that perceives

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freak a bit because I see the rules of composition in all paintings I do, and I've never tried to actually fit in those rules or apply them, but they are just 'there'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel accepted by family if they liked the painting

I forgive myself that I acceptd and allowed myself to feel flattered by them saying that maybe I/we could get rich by selling that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate on expressing myself unconditionally here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ego being fed by them liking the picture

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see this painting as an 'accomplishment' instead of taking as me as self exrpression here, in the moment as all {

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the kind and use of colors in paintings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep in memory the moment I saw those shapes in real life that later on became part of 'language' through painting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that my painting 'is a particular language' not realizing that painting is here as painting, but also me and everyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'relieved' by family members liking it, not realizing that therefore I'm still accepting and allowing myself to conditon myself and hoping for it to be judged as good or bad

I am self expression, I express myself here in every moment of every breath
I forgive myself that I accepted and allwed myself to not reamain here within and as the breath while painting

I am here as painting as painting in each and every single moment

ok thanks all

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