agosto 28, 2008

Effectiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire wanting and needing to be effective and exact at everything I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being as effective, methodical as my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to admire father because of being effective at earning money and at doing everything 'right'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever desire being 'faster' than others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rush in the mind to do everything faster than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to always finishing 'first'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to being used to 'win'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create myself as someone who never fails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure because it would mean I wasn't effective enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that being effective creates a stronger presence of myself towards others in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link effectiveness to power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that only effective people succeed in this world

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to seek for recognition, to seek for stability in manifestations outside of myself instead of living stbility as me as who I really am, here as the breath of life in every single moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being effective to be of worth to the system

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being effective to be considered as an 'example to follow' for others so we could all be 'effective' in this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire clinging on to definitions of myself as effective in fear of losing myself as the definition of being effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require perceived 'qualities' of the mind towards making me a 'better person' a useful person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being a 'useful' person, therefore placing worth and value on myself according to how I am able to be of worth and use in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire serving oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire serving process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being effective in process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define effectiveness according to the experience of myself in comparison to others whom I could deem as 'not effective'

I Forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to doubt of the effectiveness of this self forgiveness process
SELF FORGIVE MESS

I forgive myself that IHave accepted and allowed myself to fear being a mess

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things wrong or inaccurately because that would mean that I am not 'good enough'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that being good enough would be something that could me me 'superior' to other people, outstanding person

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get used to recogniton from mind systems in school system towards me being 'effective' in school, meaning getting the effective mind system develop to become a slave in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem and define myself according to being effective in learning process, in memory processes and in understanding processes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I was able to be outstanding person because of having a different mind placement system as 'more intelligence' to be effective and understand in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in delusions of grandeur towards the way I experience myself in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel fortunate for being able to live here as who I perceived myself to be as the personality of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ever getting everything wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted adn allowed myself to believe and think and perceive that right and wrong exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use 'father' as a pattern to follow

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that he seeks recognition from the outside by doing everything right and not unconditionally expressing him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem my father as effective in all he does

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever aspire getting a life such as the one that parents currently have as being stable and being together and having enough money to live comfortably

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as 'having to be like my father' because of having the predisposition to do so by blood line

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am inevitably directed by the transmitted DNA through blood from parents, therefore, being inevitable like them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the mix of DNA that I own and therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined, determined by the DNA i own and I am at the moment

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it is inevitable that I become my parents because of DNA transfer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that we are damned forever, instead of realizing, we are able to reprogram ourselves to direct ourselves in oneness and equality and stop all separation of the mind

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am the directive principle of my world as my body as who I am here in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned about my human physical body and thinking, believing and perceiving that I won't be able to change genetical predispositions coming from parents and those that went before them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the effectiveness and the desire to be effective in all by not wanting to be like the usual mexican being lazy, impractical, ineffective and mediocre.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem mexicans as lazy, impractical, ineffective and mediocre people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself toe ver think, believe or perceive that because I am a mexican, I've got lower self esteem towards people from other places in the world with bigger stats

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my experience according to the place I live in, according to a nationality and according to the mayority of the people under one identity

I forgive myself that I havea ccepted and allowed mysefl to be defined as a mexican to be defined by that which supposedly mexicans are and have always been.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that europeans will always be more effective than any other people in the world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to admire germans for being always on time, right, planned, effective in all they did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being effective in all I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to deem myself as not being effective enought at times, and therefore, lose self trust and worry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowd myself to ever worry about my expression, my beingness here always wanting to be right and not wrong

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to participate in polarities such as right or wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being effective in school at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowd myself o lose my 'effectiveness' because it would mean that I am 'not of worth' in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyeflto place worth and value on to myself according to the effectiveness I create by separete means of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to please myself and others by being effective all the time

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mysefl to seek recognition by being effective

I forgive myself tha tI have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and percieve that being effective was a 'quality' in myself that I should be greatful for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to all the times I deemed myself as being effective

I forgive myself that I have acccepted and allowed myself to define me as being effective in a relationship

If orgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed mysefl to define me according to the efectiveness I created at school experience

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to who I believed and perceived mysefl to be as an 'effective' person.

I stop

I do not allow myself to be affected and defined by the effectiveness, because I am effective yet I do not accept and allow myself to be defined by effectivity of this world as a 'quality' I must linger to

Getting rid of art definitions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place trust and value to art in separation of myself

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being and becoming something 'more' that who I really am through art by gaining recognition and fame through it

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being someone 'better' someone of worth by creating art

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being an artist because I found it as the only way to not be like any other person in this world through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire praising my personality by creating through 'my image and likeness' through art experession

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of art as a 'higher or more evolved way of living'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire belonging to intellectual realms and artist world because I deem them to be 'more conscious beings' towards the nature of this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place trust in art as 'my ownly truth'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deem art as the only place where I could be free and express me, not realizing I am able to express me and be free by stopping the mind in every single moment of every single breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire conditioning myself to be an 'artist' therefore creating me a personality suit of 'the artist'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem artists as 'sensitive' beings

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think of artists as 'higher beings' because of awareness they have towards this world/this reality'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think it would be impossible to doubt of art

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to make of art my religion, my path and my way to follow

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I could or can be anything else but an artist in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to become worried when knowing I would forget about art at some point in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever become confused and worried because of fortune tellers saying that I would not be making a living of art

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become curious about what is it that I would be learning in a future moment along studying art

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only exist in wonder and curiosity of the mind towards knowing what could possibley be 'more important' than art for me?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever fear losing art as the meaning for my existence

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to make of art the reason/the purpose of my existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become saddened in the past when I knew art was also a system in and of this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that art was the highest and purest form of making a living

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that it would be easy for me to make a living out of art

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not think of what I had to go through to 'become an artist' and only exist in a future placement/moment of me experiencing fame and glory and getting much money out of it

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to see how ego driven my life decisions were

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being an 'all knowing' person according to reading and getting much knowledge and information just because of having a cultural baggage.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I was made to be an artist, to be 'someone' not common, not ordinary in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to participate in the ego of the mind and comparing myself through the stuff I created as 'art' towards the 'art' of others and seeing which was 'cooler' than the other

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for desiring being 'the best' in art expression

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take art expression for granted

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed mysefl to take compliments for granted and as an obvious thing towards what I do

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards others because of the art they created, therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in polarity of the mind as 'the best/worst' in terms of creation and being a person in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed mysefl to desiring being recognized and praised and liked by people through that which I created as 'art' and thinking believing and perceiving that this was 'the way' to go through life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that art would be the 'solution' to my life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that what I did was of 'more worth' than any other job or placement in this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in delusions of grandeur in my past by thinking, believing and perceiving that I would always be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desiring always being in a 'pedestal' by gaining recognition and 'fame' by that which I did

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being an attention seeker in my past by dressing in certain ways, by talking in certain way and by creating in certain way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to people at school in terms of 'owning' the best personality or the best position as a 'future artist'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to place expectations on to myself towards that which I would do for a living

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my life in the mind as a future moment of living in the perfect home, with the perfect relationship in a perfect place in the world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that life could be easy for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hiding the fact that I am lingering to money that parents could give me once they die

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have 'somethin or someone' to cling to that I could run to in 'difficult situations' not realizing, i am here as myself alone, facing myself alone and nothing or no one is able to support me but myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire clinging to family only because of convenience of property and comfortability and familiarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created dreams of future moment of a future happy and comfortable life after gaining much money from my art, instead of realizing, all the dreams that I created were through the mind and I was taking everything else for granted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in my 'beautiful heaven' where nothing could go wrong, where everything could be under control' instead of realizing I was taking and sticking to illusions of the mind to create myself a secure and safe zone. That is not who I am in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being someone in a 'superior/directive' place to guide others to get to the same place

I forgive mysefl that i accepted and allowed myself to ever think of giving money to charity if I ever got to be rich

I forgive myself that I accpeted and allowed myself to think of money as a trophey for getting to be famous and recognized by art manifestations

I forgive mysefl that I accepted and allowed myself to create myself in a future moment of realizing myself as an 'artist' in and of this world

I forgive myself that I accepted anda llowed myself to think believe and perceive that I could only express myself through art and nothing else.

agosto 27, 2008

school sf

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the mind whenever I know I'm indulging in it therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my reality, my world according to thoughts and projections of who I experience and perceive myself to be as the mind in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as thoughts and feelings that create a turmoil inside me not allowing me to simply be here and go through school, go through life without participating in the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up school because of being directed by the mind

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must give up my mind in order to go through school and what is required to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as lost of who I really am by existing in confusion within and as the mind by allowing me be directed by it, instead of me directing myself as here as the mind, one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame school for my current situation not realizing I am creating my experience in it in every single moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to completely stop all thoughts and feelings towards my experience of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by the nonsense of this world created by ourselves through the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by what others believe or perceive myself to be at this moment now that I've changed my point of view towards what I do and what I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel in dismay for not being able to sort myself out and realize what I have to go through this no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by thoughts and ideas of others discouraging me to keep going with what I'm required to do which is to study

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flirt around the idea of dropping out because I perceive it to be useless and a waste of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist having to read theories and knowledge and allow myself to be affected by it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being screwing myself immensely by not doing what I have to do in the best possible way, meaning, not being affected by it and breathe through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than who I really am by existing within and as thoughts of powerlessness and hopelessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad by having to be and experience that which I do not want to experience not realizing we all have to go through our own creation equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire not having to go through this not realizing, we all have to face what we've done and placed and created for ourselves, there's no way out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire escaping from my responsibility which is to study

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem study and university as something stupid, a waste of time and money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear betraying myself as who I really am by participating in such systems as school

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realized that I've already betrayed life for all my existince by thinking/believing and perceiving I am the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire going out of school to be and dedicate myself fully to makes something of 'worth' for myself and for others as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still desire 'doing something' of worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the moment I chose to study to 'become an artist'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go against the 'becoming an artist' deal, therefore, placing myself in a non-embracing way of what I am and what I am doing at school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only study to please my parents to get a title that says that I am a licensed artist

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand equally to my creation,therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected and exist in inner conflict by having to go through this and knowing that there's no way out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret ever wanting to be 'someone' by becoming an 'artist' not realizing I already AM here, I do not have to be or become anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid by going to school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sheep by going to school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped, constricted and enslaved by having to go through school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become influenced, altered as who I really am because of knowledge and information that I require to read and discuss at school, therefore, not being one and equal to the information and words and instead, denying and criticizing it all the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here in the moment as the breath whenever I'm experiencing myself in classroom and instead, going criticizing and judging every single moment I see dishonesty, not realizing, school is dishonesty in first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire not 'spoiling' myself by being in school not realizing, I have the ability to stop the mind, therefore, to not be influenced by anything or anyone around me as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be counting off weeks for this to be over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become influenced, directed by the mind towards my experience at school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see no point in going to school considering I have no interest or desire to be an artist anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad by losing that which I always wanted to be 'an artist' because of it being a constricted and limited definition towards who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move to the polarity of not wanting to be an artist, therefore, seeing no point in studying anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within thoughts and complains and ranting as the mind of my current experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of this situation such a big deal, not realizing I am only giving power away to the situation instead, of stopping all thoughts/feelings and emotions related to this situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin despising myself while being in school because of knowing I am deceiving myself by being there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to 'who I am at school' instead of being constant no matter where I am and with who I am, I am here, I am constant, I do not accept and allow myself to be influenced by any external or internal manifestation as thoughts, feelings and emotions as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise people at school as well not realizing that they are merely reflecting me back to me as who I was and who I perceived myself to be in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to change who I am by still being in the past placement of myself in school, not realizing I am able to change me no matter where I am, no matter with who I am, I am here, I am constant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose all meaning to expressing myself through art as they are merely images and projections of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'lost' because of being somewhere where I do not want or wish to experience myself in anymore, though having no option but to keep being there and breathing through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eject myself from school and what it entails because of still being affected by what goes on in my mind while being at school.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that school will be but a moment in my life, and that will be it

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear convincing me within self forgiveness to keep going to school, knowing before hand that school is deception and control and manipulation, but then, what isn't it in this world?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and reject myself within this situation not realizing that everyone in this world has to go through our own created world to experience ourselves in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be part of it actively through and as my mind wanting and desiring to study and be or become and artist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in every moment as who I really am and instead, indulge myself within and as the mind and allow me to be directed within my experience here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt of my capacity to stop the mind while being at school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to 'make it through' because of not being able to bare myself as being dishonest with myself as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being at my location point towards changing myself in this world as who I really am because of still being locked in school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined as a student

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such a disempowering existence of myself when being at school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being feeding the 'hate' towards my experience at school instead of standing one and equal to it, meaning, no feelings, no thoughts no emotions and just breathing through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame school for being the reason of experiencing a headache not realizing, I create myself and my experience and nothing/no one is able to influence me if I stop

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to completely STOP within myself, to clear myself from any mind influence while going through school.

I stop

I do not accept and allow myself to indulge in the mind anymore through thoughts, feelings and emotions towards my current situation going through school

I do not accept anything less than who I really am by diminishing myself by having to go through school

I do not accept and allow myself to feel powerless by having to go through school

I do not accept and allow myself to resist having to go through school

I do not accept and allow myself to doubt of my effectiveness within these statements because of not being sure I will be able to live the words I speak about standing going through school.

I do not accept and allow myself to wallow in thoughts of the mind because of seeing it as 'too much' to go through which I am not willing to go through at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire giving up on school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that I won't finish school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely ruined by having to learn and study and keep knowledge and information that is dishonest and useless in every single way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that there's no sense in still being there considering I do not want to realize myself as an 'artist'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to damn the time I chose to be an 'artist'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid and useless while doing something such as an image because of it being meaningless to what I really am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to my own creations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the experience of myself as creating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define school as simply just a waste of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing homeworks because of having to read many useless knowledge and information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I waste time in school instead of being writing and being here for myself as myself not having to endure useless classes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge teacher for the knowledge and information they give us

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as others for being attending to school and going there only for a grade and a paper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I will ever get something of practical use at that school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in school my whole life

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire getting much knowledge and information to be 'well educated' never realizing this was merely mind job

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire coming here just to be able to get away from family and be different from my sisters

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive I enjoyed school in the past

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being famous, something of 'importance' in this world never realizing all was ego driven

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face what I've become what I've created for myself by myself in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire giving it all up because of seeing no point in anything anymore.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to cage myself within the limitations of the mind

....................

agosto 26, 2008

dreams and repression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as denial of the reality of this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with sexual desires towards masturbation through dreams

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused in my dream by watching a 'video' in my dream that would spark up the desire of masturbation within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress inner desires to masturbate and therefore, creating an experience in a dream for me to realize where am I still finding images and pictures arousing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused by the image of a powerful older black man that looked like a stud, strong enough to satisfy various women

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become aroused by the image and picture in my dream of me watching the video of this man just dancing in the street with 'beautiful' women as a fore play to get sex

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become aroused by seeing this man and defining him as powerful in sex just by his attitude and physical appearance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to confront myself in an opportunity to have sex again and not being able to say no

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an image a picture to which I could masturbate to, without even needing to the see the sexual act in itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my dream desire replaying the video to get myself even more aroused by these images of the man dancing with many women along

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that dancing in couples is always a foreplay or another manifestation similar to sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be condemning my sexual expression because of not wanting to 'fall' again into the sex system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react arousing to seeing pictures of that which I deem a strong, powerful in sex man that is able to 'satisfy' a woman properly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find black men as powerful and energetically charged towards sexual activities

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become flabbergasted that time I watched the movie 8mm and seeing the size of the penis of a black man in the movie

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become shocked when watching the movie 8mm for the portrayal of sexual perversions and experiences of other humans that are used to make money and films out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become shocked when seeing what a 'snuff' movie was in the movie

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become disgusted by the perversions that exist in this world towards sexual manifestations and practices of this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel attracted to the idea of violence in sex

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think of movies and pictures as ideal to get anyone going arousing towards having sex or masturbation

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become horny when seeing two males kissing and touching each other on tv

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by pictures and movies in the tv

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use pictures and movies in tv or internet in dreams or in real life to experience an excitement within me towards masturbation or desiring experiencing sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be thinking how long I have been and experiencing myself without sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the new practicality of sex with that which I used to experience when I was sexually active

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as having been sexually active

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become aroused by the thought of my experiences with men in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember the times I had sex and that I defined as 'memorable times' because of how I perceived it to be 'really good'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think of and desire to please the other as much as pleasing me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desires for sex therefore, getting memories as pictures and thoughts inside my mind in order to 'remember' what sex was in my life

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that sex was an 'important' thing in my life.

I forgive myself that I didn't accept and allow myself to see that the desire for experiencing sex or masturbation is merely but a system running inside me, therefore, not who I am in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be intimate with myself and not requiring any external influence such as pictures or memories to make me aroused and experience myself as self expression through masturbation or sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling again for the sex system

I do not accept and allow myself to think believe or perceive that after some time, I require sex

I do not require sex, I do not require an orgasm

I do not require any images or pictures to 'turn me on' in order to experience myself

I am HERE, I direct me in self honesty in every moment, I do not accept and allow myself to be directed by the mind and trying to make me fall again for sex

I do not accept and allow myself to be yearning for the experience of sex with someone in oneness and equality as self expression

I do not accept and allow myself to experience myself as waiting for a moment when I will be able to do this

I do not accept and allow myself to be concerned about the sex system and the experience of myself.

I do not accept and allow myself to be directed and dominated as thoughts of sex within the mind

I STOP

agosto 17, 2008

gloomy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow in depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am in this current state because of having my period

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame having my period instead of realizing that I create the experience of myself here, nothing or no one else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it is all just too much and I can't bare it all, not realizing, mind is the only one that will get overwhelmed with what is here to face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired not realizing that tired only exists within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose 'meaning' to communicating today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become sad because of not wanting to go back to mexico city

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that situations are creating the current state inside of me not realizing I am the only one creating my experience here

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop all my thoughts and emotions today towards the current state of this world we live within and as all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as sadness today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self pity in the past because I wanted to create pity in others so they could comfort me or ask me what was wrong

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire drawing attention of parents or anyone else by creating the experience of sadness and depression within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the feeling of 'depression ' with that of sadness and tiredness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired and desire sleeping when I usually don't do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired and frustrated of people complaining about their situation, not realizing I am doing this very same thing

I forgive myself that I have just accepted and allowed myself to continue thoughts of depression, sadness and wallowing in those thoughts instead of immediately stopping them and coming here to write down self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my existence by existing within and as depression and sadness that are merely experiences created by thoughts of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that it is 'normal' for women to become depressed while having period

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I'm 'good' at communicating about process but not so 'good' at applying in every moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to completely apply the words I speak in every single moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become uncomfortable with myself because of having period

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dominated by the experience of myself created by having period instead of realizing that I am able to direct me in every moment and breath through it till it is done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon just to escape from my self imposed doom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the 'idea' of wanting to make a self forgiveness video but haven't done it therefore

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as procrastination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated by listening what parents and sisters speak about because of them speaking and judging another person that isn't in the table

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the extent to which we exist in separation in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see 'no remedy' to 'fix' this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for accepting and allowing me to exist within and as that which 'already was' therefore, creating and continuing the same cycles I've existed within my entire existence

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to refuse talking to someone when they 'needed' me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and impose 'my truth' on to others by being aggressive, not realizing that I am being aggressive with myself by trying to make others think the same way I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that there is just too fucking much to forgive in this world that seems impossible, not realizing, limitation only exists within and as the mind, therefore, who I really am is able to stand here and face it all no matter how 'long' it takes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as thoughts of not wanting to go to school because of wanting to be in the comfortability of home, not realizing, that would be merely not wanting to face myself with what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family for them judging someone else, not realizing I'm playing the same game by judging them for their judgment, therefore continuing the chain of judgment

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself talking with another about someone that wasn't present in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'lazy' to come and write because I 'forget' how cool it is to write it all down in the moment and releasing the 'heaviness' of thoughts and feelings within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that something major such as a death around me, must happen in order for all of us to completely stop and stand up for once and for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use death as an excuse to make us see, not realizing that I don't have to wait till something 'major' happens, but begin to stop in every moment here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as 'lacking enthusiasm' and 'energy' today, therefore not allowing me to do all that I wanted to do because of feeling 'tired'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ,believe and perceive that being tired is normal while being in periods

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire drinking a capuccino in order to 'awake' not realizing that would be separation as drinking coffee in order to get an effect that could 'change' my beingness here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I've abandoned myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exclude myself from people because of deeming my presence as 'not important' there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my 'charm'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my 'happiness'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing all the 'good' within me as that which I perceived myself to be throughout my life existence here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that those 'qualities' were real in me, not realizing that those were merely temporary personalities that existed within me around others because, when being alone I used to be all quiet and sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a part of feelings today by thinking believing and perceiving myself to be depressed and sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire blaming the fact of having to go to school tomorrow as the reason of my current state

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my 'taking of responsibility' would be finishing my degree at art school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be avoiding having to finish school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire something major happening before that which would allow me to leave school and start doing something of 'importance' here for all as one as equal


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not applying myself few hours ago therefore, allowing me to exist within and as sadness, self pity and depression because of a created state within myself by certain situations that went merely up in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up immediately while allowing me to compound thoughts until such a point where I said STOP!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself until it all seems 'too much' not realizing they are merely THOUGHTS inside my head which create and define myself as being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having lost about 2 hours of my life wallowing and existing in sadness and despair

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my family is just 'too lost' and 'too ingrained' in their minds that they will hardly ever stand up by themselves until something 'bad' and 'major' happens to them to make them see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit sad because of knowing that there's no where to hide, no where to run, no one to run to in order to not 'feel alone' because it just would be a desire of escaping from myself, from what I've become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that are merely diverting themselves with tv or any other kind of 'entertainment' instead of realizing what is going on in this world, this reality and we keep manifesting it the way it is by not completely and fully STOPPING it all within ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own heaviness by having thoughts inside me that create a feeling of 'helplessness' and 'hopelessness'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create of such feelings and emotions something 'real' inside me manifesting it as not moving my human physical body instead of stopping the thoughts, therefore, stopping all that is supporting the current 'feeling' of lacking energy and movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that seeing G today had something to do with my current state

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even allow me to doubt of my reaction and behaviour with G, not realizing that I was sure within myself on how I would live the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it is too sad and depressing to which point we had to get to start realizing what we were doing ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and regret for having existed my whole existence within and as 'the way it is' therefore, accepting and allowing the repeating cycles of this existence as it is and as it has been for all the 'time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the mind as depressive and sad thoughts instead of immediately stopping myself and not allowing me to indulge in the feelings created by thougths running in mind

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as a sad person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as a depressive person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as being a gloomy person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as a 'happy' person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as an 'enthusiastic' person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as being a 'positive person'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place meaning and importance to those definitions instead of realizing that they are merely separating myself from what exists here as me, as all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my life had meaning as being 'happy and nice' life

oh deer.

I'll leave it here at the moment.

agosto 15, 2008

polarities and more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad by seeing vendors outside getting wet in the rain by trying to sell their products to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for always having turned sad whenever I saw a 'poor girl' in the streets selling something or asking for money

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to the girl in that moment, not realizing I am equal and one with that girl

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel pity for that girl, not realizing I was experiencing pity for myself as one and equal to the girl

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having felt guilty every time I saw another girl around my age when I was younger but I was inside the car with parents and she was outside asking for money or selling something to live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor sadness and pity within me by experiencing myself around 'poor people' for few days living the way they do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from poor people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience pity for people I see lying in the floor on the streets

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to buy something to people out of pity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself out of pity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad because of perceiving that 'I have the money' so ' it's my fault they are living the way they are' not realizing, they are one and equal with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living in denial by existing in a 'perfect' life where everything is apparently 'alright' instead of being living the real world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist and live life through and as consistent denial of what reality is about

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that positivity could change the world, never realizing it was merely polarity point of what already existed as here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discouraged to share in forums today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose any 'sense' to share today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it all as 'too much' today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an 'anti war' manifestation not realizing I was provoking war by manifesting in an ANTI congregation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill another human being in war

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to declare war against another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to declare war against myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill millions by nuclear weapons

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as hate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as love

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to relate myself to the word love with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in any relationship formation in separation of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self trust in another, therefore, separating myself from who I really am as all as one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a polarity manifestation such as 'positivity' throughout my whole life, thinking, believing or perceiving that it could 'make a change' in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still exist within and as denial by continuing participating in the 'good, peace and calm' that I experience, not realizing, I am merely existing in the opposite, the polarity manifestation of who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having existed within and as self hatred, therefore, not allowing me to accept me as who I really am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I've fucked with myself tremendously by existing within and as 'the good side' of what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face myself for having denied 'the negativity' the darkness that exists here, by wanting to see only 'the bright side' and lingering on to it so I wouldn't have to see what is really here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that 'life is beautiful'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not able to fully stop as long as I live in this world as it is, not realizing that I create my experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete against another for winning a 'first place'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that life is a competition

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive this life is a competition where the strongest survives according to the 'adaptation' in this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place value and self worth according to getting 'first places' and being recognized by others according to mind abilities

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self value, self worth according to what my mind experienced and created, not as who I really am here

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to go through stress and worry by desiring and wanting to get in 'first place' instead of realizing that competitions are merely mind activity that enhanced the superior -inferior polarity that exists in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as a 'winner'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I was born to be 'at the top'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I was made to direct others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify 'directing others' through self forgiveness, not realizing I was hiding my desires to direct others to 'do as I do'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire others to be 'like me' and by that

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that if more were like me, everyone would be more 'effective', 'responsible' with what we all have to do and get done here, not realizing it was all mind's imposing power on to others

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be flattered by comments of me being 'great, superior' than others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define self worth and value according to the recognition of others on to that which I did, that which I was according to who I perceived myself to be

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously desire expressing my opinion, not realizing this merely enhanced personality as that which is of the mind and therefore, ruled me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to consider and define me according to the opinions/thoughts I could place in certain discussion or topic

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define my worth and self value according to what others thought/believed or perceived of that which I expressed as a personal opinion, not realizing it was merely mind systems recognizing/denying mind systems

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to place self worth and value according to what others thought/believed/perceived about me and according to that, move me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to only 'move myself' whenever I got 'motivated' by an outside source of me, instead of moving myself unconditionally here as me, for me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to only think believe and perceive that what I did as art work is cool because of others recognizing and placing value on to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uplifted whenever anyone made 'good' comments about anything I do/say/believe not realizing, it was all mind fuck

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I require the acceptance/recognition/value from others to 'keep going' and keep doing what I do

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to recognize myself and accept myself as self worth and instead, allowing me to exist within and as the expectation of someone accepting or denying my ideas/work to then, be able to 'move me ' accordingly

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to wait until someone approved/disapproved what I did/say to know if I was going 'right or wrong' therefore, allowing me to not exist within and as self trust in every moment and existing in polarity of mind as right or wrong

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place much expectations on to myself, therefore, becoming sad/frustrated whenever I didn't achieve what I wanted.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire/wanting and needing to achieve a certain 'goal' so I could be worthy of being here, so I could be 'someone' in this world

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I could get tired of 'trying too hard'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I have to continue being 'the best' at school because that's what and how I've experienced myself throughout my whole life, not realizing this is is merely wanting to hold on to past definitions that are ingrained within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping being 'good' at school because of all the definitions as self worth and value I've placed within me by the recognition of others as classmates and teachers on to me as being 'good student'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise school because of having to go there only to get a number as grade in the end of course

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel superior to any teacher at school

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that a teacher wasn't good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire taking the place of the teacher because I believed and perceived myself as 'understanding better' than the teacher

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be recognized by doing a 'good job' at anything

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the polarity of wanting and don't wanting to be recognized by people by what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to 'what I do'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ever declare that art school was 'my place to be'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as only being apt to be 'an artist' in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a dissident throughout existence by existing within and as denial and separation of what exists here as me as all as one as equal

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to participate in a revolution with theories, ideas or beliefs that supported polarity in this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being a 'leader' so I could direct others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as being apt to direct others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a hope and expectation on a future moment when I could be able to direct others as one and equal

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I could 'keep' that which I deemed of 'benefit' for me as one and equal, not realizing all the 'good' doesn't really exist within me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I am merely but a polarity manifestation of what exists here. I stop I do not accept and allow me to define me according to polarity manifestations of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I could use 'leader skills' in order to direct others, not realizing this isn't oneness and equality at all

I forgive myself that I ever have accepted and allowed myself to be 'moved' by the idea of being able to direct and 'guide' others in a future moment, not realizing this is a placement of hope and future moment that isn't here at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire want or need to be guided/directed by others in order to 'live life'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I would be 'no one' if no one had recognized and placed value and worth to that which I am or that which I do, not realizing I was merely separating myself from here by wanting recognition from others

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I wasn't a normal mexican because of my belief and perception that most mexicans are mediocre and lazy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as mediocre and lazy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being mediocre is merely a definition placed on to other by the mind's perspective of having to 'achieve' something

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to refuse the idea of being mexican

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being for a foreign english speaking language country because of thinking in english

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to despise myself for being part of 'mexicans'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined as a mexican

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people and me according to their nationality, their tongue and their culture

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as separation of myself as races, nationalities and gender

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to a nationality definition according to 'general values' of what a mexican is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become sad whenever I see any other mexican or latin american not understanding what desteni is about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relate myself to people according to the tongue they speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to being a spanish speaker person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to being a 'latin american'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to being a latin american woman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as a mexican woman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the language I speak

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define/identify me according to the words I speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that who I am is able to be defined by a language spoken

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place worth and value on to others according to the amount of languages they speak

agosto 13, 2008

animals-fears-family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from the experience of regret

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having killed insects out of fear that they could harm me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret ever having a disgust feeling or dislike towards animals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret ever deeming animals as inferior to humans, I am one and equal to all in this existence, one and equal with animals

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire not having any animals at home as pets because of fearing them making poo and pee inside house, therefore, creating a 'mess'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for not having considered how important animals are in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem seeing animal planet as something boring and only for 'biologists' to watch

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in much regret of my past attitude towards animals because of being ignorant of who they really were in this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret having feared animals before because of what mother told me about them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear animals just because my mother told me so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given me the opportunity to see animals for myself and realize who they really were, instead of sticking to what 'mother said' about animals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for having killed animals in order to eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to detach me from the self responsibility of having and still killing animals to eat and survive

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to see animals as stupid or meaningless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that shakti and moka may be killed or die suddenly only to teach us a lesson for having despised animals and having dogs at home in past

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow mother to hit shakti whenever she pees or poos inside the house, therefore, allowing her to 'teach her' by hitting her

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having regret and resentment towards my mother for all the fears and insecurities she passed on and taught on to me

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to believe all that mother told me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother as an ignorant being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire blaming mother for my repressed childhood and teenage years

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having suppressed my expression, my desires and needs in life because of existing in fear of what mother would say to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having stood up before towards mother to not allow any further imposition towards my life coming from her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother as one dominant fearful being

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her current insecurities coming to surface

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise my mother for her being a fearful being, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise myself for being a fearful being

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I needed a man or someone else to protect me and take care of me, as the relationship that parents have formed in their life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on someone else because of how I perceived and believed relationships had to be according to the example of my parents

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be unconsciously looking and seeking someone that resembled father in order to create a relationship such as the one parents experience themselves in at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear one of them dying so they can actually stand up for themselves alone

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become jealous of the apparent 'love' parents demonstrated one and other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise mother because she always wants to do it all 'her way' therefore, manipulating everyone around her to do her will

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as extreme resentment towards mother because of her being a dominator and wanting to rule over her husband and daughter's life decisions

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to numb my desires and needs as a teenager as wanting to experience myself in a relationship because of fear that she might just get awfully mad and angry and make me cut it off the next day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear towards mother

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever see mother as an abuser for her wanting to do her way all time with everyone, everywhere, not leaving open slot for others to decide

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having hated mother because of her not approving of my relationships and friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother as a gossiper because of when I found her sneaking into my sister's drawers to read their journals and find out about their boyfriends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared seeing my mother explode in anger and fearing she might hit me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for saying some 'bad words' towards mother, therefore, being hit in the mouth for what I said

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to explode in anger whenever she tried to stop me from going out with A

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as extreme demonic anger whenever my mother tried to make me stop my relationship with A or any other man in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self pity towards mother thinking, believing and perceiving that she regrets having getting pregnant early on her life, therefore, not being able to experience herself in more relationships and marrying her first one at early age

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity mother because of her wanting to place her non-achieved realizations in life on to us, 'her daughters' in a way to compensate what she could not do or achieve in her life because of getting married and pregnant early in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resentful towards mother for her attitude she always presented whenever A went to my house

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever fear the confrontation that would often arise between mother and A by discussing and wanting to sink each other with comments, judgments and statements of superiority

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed because of A portraying him as a 'loser' whenever he eneded up chatting with parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire not existing in moments when confrontation arouse between parents and A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as past memories of regret, shame and sorrow towards my relationship with A and parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as shame for that which parents thought, judged and criticized about G for him not being the 'ideal' guy for me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge parents as shallow/superficial fucks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mess with parents because of their imposition of will towards my life and my relationships, not realizing that in the end, I managed to do it my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having being able to share my 'happiness' with parents when i was in a relationship with G because of having to hide them the fact that I was in a relationship with G

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret towards mother for her wanting to mold me and shape me as her image and likeness, therefore me standing and rebelling against that and making her 'suffer'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be concerned or preoccupied/worried that I made someone cry or be sad, never realizing that they did that to themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against mother for her ingrained ways of thinking and beliefs that aren't in any way whatsoever mine at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for being a selfish being wanting it all for her, wanting her to have the 'perfect image' of 'perfect family' and 'perfect daughters'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire making her happy or fulfilling her expectations that she'd placed on to me, in means of 'giving her back' some of what 'she had given me' in life

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to pretend loving mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever pretend that I cared about her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise mother because of her being interested in placing her daughters with 'good men' that will treat them 'right' and give them all that they need and want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of the phony way mother acts in front of certain people to seem 'more' than what she really is

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to despise people who desire looking as superior than others, not realizing i did that in every moment of life in past

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as hidden hate/despise/sorrow towards mother for past events in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise mother for being a gossiper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever deem mother as dumb for not knowing basic common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise and blame family for having inducted me into white light beliefs in spiritualism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my family is a matriarch

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define mother as one fearful being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am fearful because of her being fearful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire blaming her for the experience of myself as one fearful being, not realizing I did this to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and tag mother as one manipulative being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for all the hidden feelings/emotions and thougths towards mother because of not being able to release them from me unconditionally

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear of exposing her

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deliberately place her in ridicule so others could notice her dishonesties

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become pissed off whenever I heard mother lying therefore, accepting and allowing me to react to the lies she spoke in order to 'keep her good image'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise mother and judge her for cheating on herself by lying on to others in minor things in order to 'not spoil' her image

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise every moment I saw mother seeing herself in mirror of malls and breathing in deeply to look 'thinner'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to criticize the same thing from sisters not realizing I copied the exact same pattern, therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to look in the mirror to check out how clothes 'fit my body' and how I look as a picture for others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise the vainity in sisters and mother, not realizing I existed within and as the same pattern

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sisters for them judging and criticizing mother for the way she is without them realizing that, if they don't stop it all here, they will become exactly like her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming my mother, not realizing that that which I fear I create until I stop for once and for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel proud of mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that parent's marriage was a 'great example' for me to follow up and thus

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that I desired creating myself an experience with another man as stable as that which I deem parent's relationship to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge parents for being codependent one to another, therefore, fearing one of them might have to die soon in order for one of them to realize themselves here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling again into a relationship construct, though I seem to not desire one at all at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my already made statements of not needing a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the fact that parents never got to meet G as who he 'really was' because of their misconceptions, judgments and first hand critics towards him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear father getting angry and mad at me because of him being an explosive being while angry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family as sheeple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as much shame towards family because of them blindly believing in what tv says

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and despise family members because of wanting to remain in their pink life bubble where nothing is wrong or sad in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define those people as family merely by having been born there and existed there from the beginning, therefore, defining myself according to who they are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to family member's experience of themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire having been born in a more 'intellectual' kind of family

I forgive myself that I accpeted and allowed myself to 'numb' myself out of family because of seeing 'no connection' between me and them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a stranger at home at times

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem me as being 'in the wrong place' as being in the wrong family to experience myself in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and regret on to parents because of them not sending me to non-school lessons of music or any other sport

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her not being a 'serious mother' therefore always taking everything in the lightest way possible, thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her not wanting to become seroious and face things as they really are and instead, hide behind laughter and jokes

i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire having another mother

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to still exist within and as continuous and deliberate judgment towards mother, not realizing I am existing in continuous deliberate self judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for speaking so much hours in telephone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and desire making her look like a fool whenever I have the opportunity to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make her feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at her whenever she starts crying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be trapped within and as memories of past according to relationship with mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me within and as the relationship I had with 'mother'

If orgive myself that I accpeted and allowed myself to suppress and hide this resentment and hate towards mother, not realizing it would only compound while being suppressed and could've manifested into cancer in ovaries

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to despise mother for her not being honest and telling the truth about her getting pregnant before marriage, therefore, only being fearful of us, daughters, to have relationships because of her fearing we could end up like her

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to judge sister for being a deliberate lier on to others in order to keep a certain image and idea/concept of herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sister and mother because I perceive them to be hypocrite towards others in order to create a certain image and concept of themselves as 'nice people'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise hypocrite beings that act that way only to get what they want, not realizing that by me sometimes being 'nice' to people to get what I wanted I was existing within and as the same construct to fit in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever fear making sister y mad or angry because of her being an explosive person in those circumstances

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed me to be affected and wallowed by what sisters, or parents told me while scolding me for something

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to belittle the existence of myself because of all the jokes that sisters put on to me, trying to make me inferior because of them actually being jealous of me getting all the attention as being the 'little one'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I belittle myself because I was the 'little one' at home, therefore, thinking believing and perceiving that I wasn't fully able to take responsibility for myself and that I would always have a 'bigger sister' to watch out for me, or my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family for wanting to have better cars and better social status all the time, therfore, going escalating by wanting to have more and more money

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to judge father because of him wanting to be a rich person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted by the conversations they sometimes may have with others placing money and status as their god

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family as being vain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever complain about having lived with the family I live because of me not having the same 'pattern' as them, therefore feeling an outcast all time

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from family, not realizing I'm existing within and as a huge separation towards them by existing in anger, resentment and much judgment towards them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dislike family because of them wanting to place me as 'the star of family'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become frustrated by seeing that family won't change their habits, their talks and attitudes even after all that I've communicated to them

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to desire injecting them knowledge and information without them asking, therefore

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to push them towards something that they aren't even interested in

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed by parents in front of others such as friends or any other kind of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to pity parents for them having to 'place me ' in a certain position while they talk about me towards others in means of making me 'an important person' or a 'special person'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become extremely pissed off and uncomfortable whenever parents showed off my diplomas of school and talked about my 'achievements' in school with others such as friends or family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike the fact that they need to talk and place me in a pedestal to make believe that 'I am becoming someone' in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become pissed off at parents whenever they wanted me to dance or do anything for others whenever I didn't feel like it when I was a child

If orgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel controlled whenever father tied my shoe laces tight and stretched up my socks

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create much repression and suppression of self expression as a girl in fear of being scolded by parents, not realizing I was the one that created this and the one that belief in this fear of being scolded, not realizing that parents weren't that strict and therefore it was me creating this to not get dirty

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to fear physical dirtyness, therefore, not allowing me to express myself unconditionally here not mattering if I got dirty in clothes or not

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant fear of what parents would ask me or tell me while I was hiding in a relationship from them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as hiding from parents because of not wanting them to 'know ' who I really was

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to judge family as 'ignorants' for wanting to remain in the bliss of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family members because of their attitude towards life as being greedy and ambitious in order to get more and more to apparently live a better, greater life and be 'more' than who they already are here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her wanting to 'make a beautiful home' for her to live in therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother thinking believing and perceiving she is merely entertaining herself in 'home improvements' because of not having anything better to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her not being able to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'like' father more because he is the one that works to maintain the house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for being an exigent being towards money

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to judge anyones desires and hopes for money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise any being that is trying to make themselves richer or better in a material way or in any way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever say that I wanted to be a 'better person' therefore not realizing I was declaring this by still defining me as who I was in the past

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I should give something back to parents for what they've done for me

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to consider myself as 'lucky' because of being able to live the 'best' moment as family stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I was lucky because of both sisters being 'karmatic' according to numbers and i wasn't

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that both sisters are doomed by their own acceptances and allowances in their current relationships which will evenatually turn into marriages

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to pity sisters for needing and desiring a certain image presentation in order to be liked by others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in the same construct in past

OH k

enough for now.