agosto 13, 2008

animals-fears-family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from the experience of regret

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having killed insects out of fear that they could harm me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret ever having a disgust feeling or dislike towards animals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret ever deeming animals as inferior to humans, I am one and equal to all in this existence, one and equal with animals

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire not having any animals at home as pets because of fearing them making poo and pee inside house, therefore, creating a 'mess'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for not having considered how important animals are in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem seeing animal planet as something boring and only for 'biologists' to watch

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in much regret of my past attitude towards animals because of being ignorant of who they really were in this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret having feared animals before because of what mother told me about them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear animals just because my mother told me so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given me the opportunity to see animals for myself and realize who they really were, instead of sticking to what 'mother said' about animals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for having killed animals in order to eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to detach me from the self responsibility of having and still killing animals to eat and survive

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to see animals as stupid or meaningless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that shakti and moka may be killed or die suddenly only to teach us a lesson for having despised animals and having dogs at home in past

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow mother to hit shakti whenever she pees or poos inside the house, therefore, allowing her to 'teach her' by hitting her

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having regret and resentment towards my mother for all the fears and insecurities she passed on and taught on to me

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to believe all that mother told me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother as an ignorant being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire blaming mother for my repressed childhood and teenage years

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having suppressed my expression, my desires and needs in life because of existing in fear of what mother would say to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having stood up before towards mother to not allow any further imposition towards my life coming from her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother as one dominant fearful being

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her current insecurities coming to surface

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise my mother for her being a fearful being, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise myself for being a fearful being

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I needed a man or someone else to protect me and take care of me, as the relationship that parents have formed in their life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on someone else because of how I perceived and believed relationships had to be according to the example of my parents

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be unconsciously looking and seeking someone that resembled father in order to create a relationship such as the one parents experience themselves in at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear one of them dying so they can actually stand up for themselves alone

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become jealous of the apparent 'love' parents demonstrated one and other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise mother because she always wants to do it all 'her way' therefore, manipulating everyone around her to do her will

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as extreme resentment towards mother because of her being a dominator and wanting to rule over her husband and daughter's life decisions

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to numb my desires and needs as a teenager as wanting to experience myself in a relationship because of fear that she might just get awfully mad and angry and make me cut it off the next day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear towards mother

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever see mother as an abuser for her wanting to do her way all time with everyone, everywhere, not leaving open slot for others to decide

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having hated mother because of her not approving of my relationships and friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother as a gossiper because of when I found her sneaking into my sister's drawers to read their journals and find out about their boyfriends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared seeing my mother explode in anger and fearing she might hit me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for saying some 'bad words' towards mother, therefore, being hit in the mouth for what I said

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to explode in anger whenever she tried to stop me from going out with A

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as extreme demonic anger whenever my mother tried to make me stop my relationship with A or any other man in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self pity towards mother thinking, believing and perceiving that she regrets having getting pregnant early on her life, therefore, not being able to experience herself in more relationships and marrying her first one at early age

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity mother because of her wanting to place her non-achieved realizations in life on to us, 'her daughters' in a way to compensate what she could not do or achieve in her life because of getting married and pregnant early in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resentful towards mother for her attitude she always presented whenever A went to my house

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever fear the confrontation that would often arise between mother and A by discussing and wanting to sink each other with comments, judgments and statements of superiority

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed because of A portraying him as a 'loser' whenever he eneded up chatting with parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire not existing in moments when confrontation arouse between parents and A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as past memories of regret, shame and sorrow towards my relationship with A and parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as shame for that which parents thought, judged and criticized about G for him not being the 'ideal' guy for me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge parents as shallow/superficial fucks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mess with parents because of their imposition of will towards my life and my relationships, not realizing that in the end, I managed to do it my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having being able to share my 'happiness' with parents when i was in a relationship with G because of having to hide them the fact that I was in a relationship with G

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret towards mother for her wanting to mold me and shape me as her image and likeness, therefore me standing and rebelling against that and making her 'suffer'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be concerned or preoccupied/worried that I made someone cry or be sad, never realizing that they did that to themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against mother for her ingrained ways of thinking and beliefs that aren't in any way whatsoever mine at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for being a selfish being wanting it all for her, wanting her to have the 'perfect image' of 'perfect family' and 'perfect daughters'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire making her happy or fulfilling her expectations that she'd placed on to me, in means of 'giving her back' some of what 'she had given me' in life

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to pretend loving mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever pretend that I cared about her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise mother because of her being interested in placing her daughters with 'good men' that will treat them 'right' and give them all that they need and want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of the phony way mother acts in front of certain people to seem 'more' than what she really is

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to despise people who desire looking as superior than others, not realizing i did that in every moment of life in past

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as hidden hate/despise/sorrow towards mother for past events in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise mother for being a gossiper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever deem mother as dumb for not knowing basic common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise and blame family for having inducted me into white light beliefs in spiritualism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my family is a matriarch

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define mother as one fearful being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am fearful because of her being fearful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire blaming her for the experience of myself as one fearful being, not realizing I did this to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and tag mother as one manipulative being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for all the hidden feelings/emotions and thougths towards mother because of not being able to release them from me unconditionally

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear of exposing her

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deliberately place her in ridicule so others could notice her dishonesties

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become pissed off whenever I heard mother lying therefore, accepting and allowing me to react to the lies she spoke in order to 'keep her good image'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise mother and judge her for cheating on herself by lying on to others in minor things in order to 'not spoil' her image

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise every moment I saw mother seeing herself in mirror of malls and breathing in deeply to look 'thinner'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to criticize the same thing from sisters not realizing I copied the exact same pattern, therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to look in the mirror to check out how clothes 'fit my body' and how I look as a picture for others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise the vainity in sisters and mother, not realizing I existed within and as the same pattern

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sisters for them judging and criticizing mother for the way she is without them realizing that, if they don't stop it all here, they will become exactly like her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming my mother, not realizing that that which I fear I create until I stop for once and for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel proud of mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that parent's marriage was a 'great example' for me to follow up and thus

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that I desired creating myself an experience with another man as stable as that which I deem parent's relationship to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge parents for being codependent one to another, therefore, fearing one of them might have to die soon in order for one of them to realize themselves here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling again into a relationship construct, though I seem to not desire one at all at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my already made statements of not needing a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the fact that parents never got to meet G as who he 'really was' because of their misconceptions, judgments and first hand critics towards him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear father getting angry and mad at me because of him being an explosive being while angry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family as sheeple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as much shame towards family because of them blindly believing in what tv says

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and despise family members because of wanting to remain in their pink life bubble where nothing is wrong or sad in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define those people as family merely by having been born there and existed there from the beginning, therefore, defining myself according to who they are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to family member's experience of themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire having been born in a more 'intellectual' kind of family

I forgive myself that I accpeted and allowed myself to 'numb' myself out of family because of seeing 'no connection' between me and them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a stranger at home at times

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem me as being 'in the wrong place' as being in the wrong family to experience myself in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and regret on to parents because of them not sending me to non-school lessons of music or any other sport

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her not being a 'serious mother' therefore always taking everything in the lightest way possible, thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her not wanting to become seroious and face things as they really are and instead, hide behind laughter and jokes

i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire having another mother

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to still exist within and as continuous and deliberate judgment towards mother, not realizing I am existing in continuous deliberate self judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for speaking so much hours in telephone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and desire making her look like a fool whenever I have the opportunity to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make her feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at her whenever she starts crying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be trapped within and as memories of past according to relationship with mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me within and as the relationship I had with 'mother'

If orgive myself that I accpeted and allowed myself to suppress and hide this resentment and hate towards mother, not realizing it would only compound while being suppressed and could've manifested into cancer in ovaries

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to despise mother for her not being honest and telling the truth about her getting pregnant before marriage, therefore, only being fearful of us, daughters, to have relationships because of her fearing we could end up like her

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to judge sister for being a deliberate lier on to others in order to keep a certain image and idea/concept of herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sister and mother because I perceive them to be hypocrite towards others in order to create a certain image and concept of themselves as 'nice people'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise hypocrite beings that act that way only to get what they want, not realizing that by me sometimes being 'nice' to people to get what I wanted I was existing within and as the same construct to fit in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever fear making sister y mad or angry because of her being an explosive person in those circumstances

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed me to be affected and wallowed by what sisters, or parents told me while scolding me for something

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to belittle the existence of myself because of all the jokes that sisters put on to me, trying to make me inferior because of them actually being jealous of me getting all the attention as being the 'little one'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I belittle myself because I was the 'little one' at home, therefore, thinking believing and perceiving that I wasn't fully able to take responsibility for myself and that I would always have a 'bigger sister' to watch out for me, or my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family for wanting to have better cars and better social status all the time, therfore, going escalating by wanting to have more and more money

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to judge father because of him wanting to be a rich person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted by the conversations they sometimes may have with others placing money and status as their god

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family as being vain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever complain about having lived with the family I live because of me not having the same 'pattern' as them, therefore feeling an outcast all time

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from family, not realizing I'm existing within and as a huge separation towards them by existing in anger, resentment and much judgment towards them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dislike family because of them wanting to place me as 'the star of family'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become frustrated by seeing that family won't change their habits, their talks and attitudes even after all that I've communicated to them

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to desire injecting them knowledge and information without them asking, therefore

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to push them towards something that they aren't even interested in

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed by parents in front of others such as friends or any other kind of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to pity parents for them having to 'place me ' in a certain position while they talk about me towards others in means of making me 'an important person' or a 'special person'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become extremely pissed off and uncomfortable whenever parents showed off my diplomas of school and talked about my 'achievements' in school with others such as friends or family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike the fact that they need to talk and place me in a pedestal to make believe that 'I am becoming someone' in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become pissed off at parents whenever they wanted me to dance or do anything for others whenever I didn't feel like it when I was a child

If orgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel controlled whenever father tied my shoe laces tight and stretched up my socks

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create much repression and suppression of self expression as a girl in fear of being scolded by parents, not realizing I was the one that created this and the one that belief in this fear of being scolded, not realizing that parents weren't that strict and therefore it was me creating this to not get dirty

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to fear physical dirtyness, therefore, not allowing me to express myself unconditionally here not mattering if I got dirty in clothes or not

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant fear of what parents would ask me or tell me while I was hiding in a relationship from them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as hiding from parents because of not wanting them to 'know ' who I really was

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to judge family as 'ignorants' for wanting to remain in the bliss of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family members because of their attitude towards life as being greedy and ambitious in order to get more and more to apparently live a better, greater life and be 'more' than who they already are here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her wanting to 'make a beautiful home' for her to live in therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother thinking believing and perceiving she is merely entertaining herself in 'home improvements' because of not having anything better to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her not being able to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'like' father more because he is the one that works to maintain the house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for being an exigent being towards money

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to judge anyones desires and hopes for money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise any being that is trying to make themselves richer or better in a material way or in any way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever say that I wanted to be a 'better person' therefore not realizing I was declaring this by still defining me as who I was in the past

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I should give something back to parents for what they've done for me

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to consider myself as 'lucky' because of being able to live the 'best' moment as family stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I was lucky because of both sisters being 'karmatic' according to numbers and i wasn't

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that both sisters are doomed by their own acceptances and allowances in their current relationships which will evenatually turn into marriages

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to pity sisters for needing and desiring a certain image presentation in order to be liked by others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in the same construct in past

OH k

enough for now.

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