agosto 17, 2008

gloomy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow in depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am in this current state because of having my period

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame having my period instead of realizing that I create the experience of myself here, nothing or no one else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it is all just too much and I can't bare it all, not realizing, mind is the only one that will get overwhelmed with what is here to face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired not realizing that tired only exists within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose 'meaning' to communicating today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become sad because of not wanting to go back to mexico city

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that situations are creating the current state inside of me not realizing I am the only one creating my experience here

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop all my thoughts and emotions today towards the current state of this world we live within and as all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as sadness today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self pity in the past because I wanted to create pity in others so they could comfort me or ask me what was wrong

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire drawing attention of parents or anyone else by creating the experience of sadness and depression within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the feeling of 'depression ' with that of sadness and tiredness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired and desire sleeping when I usually don't do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired and frustrated of people complaining about their situation, not realizing I am doing this very same thing

I forgive myself that I have just accepted and allowed myself to continue thoughts of depression, sadness and wallowing in those thoughts instead of immediately stopping them and coming here to write down self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my existence by existing within and as depression and sadness that are merely experiences created by thoughts of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that it is 'normal' for women to become depressed while having period

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I'm 'good' at communicating about process but not so 'good' at applying in every moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to completely apply the words I speak in every single moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become uncomfortable with myself because of having period

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dominated by the experience of myself created by having period instead of realizing that I am able to direct me in every moment and breath through it till it is done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon just to escape from my self imposed doom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the 'idea' of wanting to make a self forgiveness video but haven't done it therefore

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as procrastination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated by listening what parents and sisters speak about because of them speaking and judging another person that isn't in the table

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the extent to which we exist in separation in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see 'no remedy' to 'fix' this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for accepting and allowing me to exist within and as that which 'already was' therefore, creating and continuing the same cycles I've existed within my entire existence

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to refuse talking to someone when they 'needed' me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and impose 'my truth' on to others by being aggressive, not realizing that I am being aggressive with myself by trying to make others think the same way I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that there is just too fucking much to forgive in this world that seems impossible, not realizing, limitation only exists within and as the mind, therefore, who I really am is able to stand here and face it all no matter how 'long' it takes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as thoughts of not wanting to go to school because of wanting to be in the comfortability of home, not realizing, that would be merely not wanting to face myself with what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family for them judging someone else, not realizing I'm playing the same game by judging them for their judgment, therefore continuing the chain of judgment

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself talking with another about someone that wasn't present in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'lazy' to come and write because I 'forget' how cool it is to write it all down in the moment and releasing the 'heaviness' of thoughts and feelings within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that something major such as a death around me, must happen in order for all of us to completely stop and stand up for once and for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use death as an excuse to make us see, not realizing that I don't have to wait till something 'major' happens, but begin to stop in every moment here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as 'lacking enthusiasm' and 'energy' today, therefore not allowing me to do all that I wanted to do because of feeling 'tired'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ,believe and perceive that being tired is normal while being in periods

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire drinking a capuccino in order to 'awake' not realizing that would be separation as drinking coffee in order to get an effect that could 'change' my beingness here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I've abandoned myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exclude myself from people because of deeming my presence as 'not important' there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my 'charm'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my 'happiness'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing all the 'good' within me as that which I perceived myself to be throughout my life existence here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that those 'qualities' were real in me, not realizing that those were merely temporary personalities that existed within me around others because, when being alone I used to be all quiet and sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a part of feelings today by thinking believing and perceiving myself to be depressed and sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire blaming the fact of having to go to school tomorrow as the reason of my current state

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my 'taking of responsibility' would be finishing my degree at art school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be avoiding having to finish school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire something major happening before that which would allow me to leave school and start doing something of 'importance' here for all as one as equal


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not applying myself few hours ago therefore, allowing me to exist within and as sadness, self pity and depression because of a created state within myself by certain situations that went merely up in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up immediately while allowing me to compound thoughts until such a point where I said STOP!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself until it all seems 'too much' not realizing they are merely THOUGHTS inside my head which create and define myself as being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having lost about 2 hours of my life wallowing and existing in sadness and despair

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my family is just 'too lost' and 'too ingrained' in their minds that they will hardly ever stand up by themselves until something 'bad' and 'major' happens to them to make them see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit sad because of knowing that there's no where to hide, no where to run, no one to run to in order to not 'feel alone' because it just would be a desire of escaping from myself, from what I've become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that are merely diverting themselves with tv or any other kind of 'entertainment' instead of realizing what is going on in this world, this reality and we keep manifesting it the way it is by not completely and fully STOPPING it all within ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own heaviness by having thoughts inside me that create a feeling of 'helplessness' and 'hopelessness'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create of such feelings and emotions something 'real' inside me manifesting it as not moving my human physical body instead of stopping the thoughts, therefore, stopping all that is supporting the current 'feeling' of lacking energy and movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that seeing G today had something to do with my current state

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even allow me to doubt of my reaction and behaviour with G, not realizing that I was sure within myself on how I would live the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it is too sad and depressing to which point we had to get to start realizing what we were doing ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and regret for having existed my whole existence within and as 'the way it is' therefore, accepting and allowing the repeating cycles of this existence as it is and as it has been for all the 'time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the mind as depressive and sad thoughts instead of immediately stopping myself and not allowing me to indulge in the feelings created by thougths running in mind

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as a sad person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as a depressive person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as being a gloomy person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as a 'happy' person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as an 'enthusiastic' person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as being a 'positive person'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place meaning and importance to those definitions instead of realizing that they are merely separating myself from what exists here as me, as all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my life had meaning as being 'happy and nice' life

oh deer.

I'll leave it here at the moment.

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