septiembre 26, 2008

Let's just be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone on friday afternoon

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat out of boredom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember leonardo and the times we used to be together every friday afternoon drinking coffee and strolling around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward in my own physical body today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I need a purpose to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience confrontation with 'mother' because of her fearing me going to SA next year

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire listening to A's music

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a stranger in the city, in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that just being sitting watching a movie is a 'waste of time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not doing all I have to do to be effective in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit sad because of not having someone to talk with, to really communicate with but myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss 'old friends' because at least I could talk with them about my stuff

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I ever really communicated and was intimate with friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to ignore passing in front of a's house and realizing that I am deliberately ignoring him. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still look up his window

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as 'sadness' without realizing that it is but a perception of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in anything outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place hope and concern in getting money to go to SA next year

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire listening to his music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that because we both are alone, we should be together

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to my mind's wondering about A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel I am wasting my time extensively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am wasting myself at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose the meaning of creating something like art

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fill my life with little 'must do's' and unimportant things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about money for a future moment to be able to go to SA

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special for being in private forum not realizing that I got myself in there and I am applying and that's it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'too far away' from people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my 'mother' saying that I am isolating myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not even imagine me being with someone intimate again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to 'mother's' perception of me never getting married.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discontent with myself at the moment, it is but a moment and it is because I'm not here but going up in the mind wondering about my past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember leonardo while walking the same road we used to take to go to the cafe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire knowing what past friends are currently up to.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to depend on the existence of those 'friends' to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that others are having 'much more fun' than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget who I really am and sink in mind thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I exist here alone as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that i cannot possibly spend my life alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward with regards to the physical body I exist within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem impossible to be with someone whom I can absolutely be intimate and communicate with in the same way.

septiembre 20, 2008

Loop in dream

Fuck .. the dreams betray part 2 once again... after exactly 10 days same situation, same scenario and me not standing up why?? because I get enrolled within the whole romance and kissing and being together with the exact same person.

And worst thing is that I knew I was just delightful in dream because well, A and I were together again, yes crappy deal again but this time in my twisted mind I tried to 'arrange' as if he was aware of process and so we were going to be in an agreement and so we were going to be just 'happy' together lol... that is clearly a dream but the deal is that I was dreaming that almost at the time I had to wake up and I clearly, consciously ditched the cellphone/vibrating alarm clock and decided to go back to such dream because I was enjoying myself just being with A again and all happy and blablalbla. What is clearly going on within me that this is a dream loop? hmm and I just not only dreamed of A but also about this guy I've dreamed before E. and I just don't know why--- maybe because I clearly once defined him as a cool, kicked back and settled guy. I dream he was here with me staying at home (he's not from this city) and he even was going to take a shower and we were 'something' but not a relationship. . . but I found myself still a bit attracted to him but at the same time cool because we were supporting each other in a way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire want and need to linger to the 'kissing' with A because of my suppressed desires to do so every time I was with him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to exist and continue suppressing myself towards my desires to kiss A whenever I was with him because of him not liking to kiss people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be and become jealous whenever A told me that he'd kissed other girls

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be hurt by A telling me his stories of him being with other women with whom he would kiss and hug and do all that he rarely did with me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to despise A because of him never doing with me what he did with other girls

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still exist within and as the desire for him and for him to be 'ok ' and aware of process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream that he is aware of process and we are going through it together but also enjoying ourselves as a couple once again

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'we were a couple' when in fact this never wasn't true as we never settled 'what we were'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine and picture and live myself within the dream as being happy andjoyful and 'complete' again because of being back with A with a 'new' A that is past all depression and anxieties and fears and is ready to go through process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for being aware of wanting and desiring to 'go back' to sleep because of being dreaming about kissing and hugging with A once again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my current dreams and my current experience towards this dream as being ashamed and feeling a 'loop' within myself for not standing up in the dream

I stand up I DO NOT ACCEPT AND ALLOW MYSELF TO KEEP DREAMING IN EVER GOING BACK with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy myself within a dream and desire to keep generating these images within and as my mind to 'live' that which I wasn't able to live in real life and that which kept me bounded and suffering

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of kissing as the ultimate act of 'love' lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still desire to still be loved and cared and kissed by males

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be suppressing my inner most desires to be with someone, to seek and search for a potential agreement

That is unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use one man to make another one jealous

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I did was attracted to E. and I never quite realized this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire E to quit weed and him becoming aware of process because I deem him as an 'intelligent' and 'settled' guy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of E as a mature, responsible and nice guy

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to constantly dream of E because of all the suppressed feelings and emotions I had and experienced while being with him, but hid them because of deeming it all as 'not possible'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and having been a 'flirt' girl with E. because I wanted him to like me because I liked him back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually care and appreciate the moments I experienced with E. because of him being patient and easy going

I forgive myself that I ever desire doing something with him all the times that I stayed at his home or he stayed at mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as memories of going out with E. because of it being a 'cool friendship' if it was so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder how's E doing these days

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having freaked out E. the moment I told him about desteni

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all these ideas and perceptions of who E. is or was are not real and therefore, I STOP all mind perceptions towards something or someone of my past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in dream to desire being with E. because of me perceiving him as settled down

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see A as one and equal with me, therefore, still existing in suppressed desire to be with him

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see E. as one and equal with me, therefore, still existing within and as the desire, curiosity of being with him and seeing how he's been doing lately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been secretly 'liking' E. all these years without anyone knowing about it for certain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire suppressing my experience towards E. because of deeming it as 'impossible' and because of wanting to not 'fuck' the relationship by expressing myself towards him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire having a relationship and a sexual encounter with E.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get extremely drunk and high with E and even so, regretting never doing something with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not ever having kissed or being with E. in a more "intimate way"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire E and being with E. also to make my 'relationship partners' jealous whenever E. came to the city

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel extremely attracted to E. when seeing him again in the city, not mattering that I was then G's gf.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire visiting and seeing E because of the curiosity of knowing how he's doing lately

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be attracted to E. because of him being a 'problem' guy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept me as common sense and 'intelligence' that I saw and experienced with E.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to 'cheat' within my mind towards the guys I used to be with while being and thinking of E.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to not SEE that E. probably liked me and I liked him back though we never acted out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see E. as a very cool being with whom i could be with in an agreement with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that I would end up with a guy that likes deftones as much as I do and E. definitely is a deftones hardcore fan, lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider E. as an opportunity to be with someone who I could consider as being 'more intelligent' than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see E. as being 'more' than me within and as intelligence of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now desire seeing E. in a future concert to see how he's doing.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think of E as being a 'considerate' guy and a 'patient' guy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see him as being 'tender' with his little dog, therefore, thinking, believing and perceiving that he is just a sensitive being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted to the confidence he reveals within himself, not realizing that it is actually a shield to protect himself because of him actually being vulnerable to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impressed with E's abilities to solve computer problems

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being of the likes of E. because I deemed he only liked 'pretty girls' and i deemed myself as not being a pretty girl

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by E. because of not being a 'pretty' girl for him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deny my perceptions towards E. in fear of being rejected or in fear of breaking the friendship we had

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep myself secretly being liking E whenever I experienced myself with him.

septiembre 10, 2008

Dreams betray

my freaky dream revealing the twisted possibilities existing in my mind. I dreamed of A and that we were back together and... let's say that we were all happy together and more 'row mantic' than ever etc . . . I woke up with the sensation of ahh fuck that man again in my dreams... though I knew there was something 'worse' than just being back with him. lol and so while making my bed it popped up : going back with him meant smoking again oh shit and I clearly remember how I smoked it out of 'happyness' or something and fuck, I really wasn't aware of myself in that dream at all that's what it surprises me because I had usually been quite aware while acting and moving myself in dream. This time, nope, fell completely into it again. In the dream I 'fell' in love again lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream of falling in love again with A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive myself as being 'happy' again with A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'fall in love' again with that same man all over again thinking, believing and perceiving that this time, things could 'change'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep this idea in the back of my head as a 'possibility' that was brought up in a dream

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at myself for still having any kind of dream on A because it means 'I'm not completely over him yet'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become unpatient because I would like to be able to forget him already

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for still having 'secrets' to myself such as these desires to go back to A or smoke weed again linked to 'blissful' moments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that I was only happy when I was with A

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel supported by A to continue making my 'art' and I was his to continue making music

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having become dependent on his comments and his 'value' on to what I did as art work

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to picture us together living together creating like a couple of artists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to picture A as a vivid lover in dream not realizing that he was rarely acting like that in real life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'idealize' the situation by thinking believing and perceiving that this time, it would be 'different'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to smoke a puff of weed in the dream and until later in the dream realizing that I had broken my no weed process

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to break my own law, to break my own statements because of A being back with me and with that, my 'whole past ways' back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even think of possibly going back to him in a dream, that is COMPLETELY unacceptable

Really the deal is I don't feel that at all but the fact that I dreamed it makes me pissed off because it's like an undesired 'flashback' or deja vu

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am betraying myself while having this particular dream again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel 'happy' and truly 'enjoying' myself once again with A

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience regret right after taking that first weed puff instead of stopping completely right before I did it in dream

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up with that sense of guilt for not being able to stop myself from going back to A and from smoking again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of me with A and weed as the 'bad' me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of A and weed and I as the 'rebel' time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of me being with A in an intimate situation and enjoying it like 'never before'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that A could possibly one day change and so we could be 'together' in a way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'enjoy' myself with A in the dream not realizing what is it that I was actually doing in my dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I betrayed my own self by having enjoyment and 'happiness' in separation of myself

septiembre 07, 2008

Power fight , envy, mind power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having gotten into a 'discussion' with cousin for a few moments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'proving that cousin is wrong' from her theory- academic perspective of what psychology is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for losing my focus in that moment and reacting in wanting to place 'my truth' over 'her truth' which I deem as 'the one' and 'what is right'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter and participate in a brief fight for power in that moment where I argued with R. about one psychology therapy

I forgive myself that I had always accepted and allowed myself to fear getting into a fight with R. because of how 'total' she is and how brutally temperamental she may get when her 'point of view' is being discussed

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always confront myself with people that hold their 'truth' as unmovable and unchangeable as I not realizing, I was merely fighting against myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I was merely trying to ditch out the academy but in that, also ditching out her opinions and thoughts on the topic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as being 'fired up' the moment I see my point of view being discussed and wanted to be teared apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had to stop R. from confusing A in the opening up to process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want A to get any external influences such as theories in the current introducing to self forgiveness process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having existed in a constant and continuous rivalry with R. in terms of who is the one with the 'truth'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as guilty for having immediately debated her point of view instead of accepting her point of view and then, seeing in Self Honesty what I could say or not say

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immediately want to STOP her point of view as I knew it was coming from personal judgment and not from practical application in self honesty at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I 'own' the truth in any way whatsoever by talking of oneness and equality and process of self honesty

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret getting into a small verbal fight with R. making her leave the room

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in guilt and remorse because I know I reacted to her comments instead of unconditionally stopping for a moment and allowing her to express herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the imperative desire of shutting up people with perceived 'big egos' and showing themselves off as having all the truth

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I should shut myself up in the first place for thinking and believing and perceiving people as that when in fact, it could be only but a self definition as the perception of myself in that moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get annoyed by people that won't HEAR

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and get frustrated by people that aren't willing to HEAR a different perspective of what they hold so dearly as their 'truth' based on books and others' knowledge and information


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire not having fought with R because I need her 'help' right in this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to frequently feel as being 'envied' by R. because of the past situations we went through

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still keep 'memories' of the relationship I had with R. where it all was a fight of power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having always being 'right' and having the 'truth' and not allowing myself to HEAR others' views and opinions as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose myself on to others in means of having 'only one way' and not hearing others' opinions and points of view on the same matter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become angry, pissed off by seeing how R. reacted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the experience of myself while arguing with R as 'stupid' and 'pointless' and an 'ego fight'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire shutting up a blabbering ego on knowledge and information according to a personal perception of the facts, instead of speaking in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now be and exist within and as judgment towards people that pretend to know 'all the real truth' not realizing that in the past experience of myself, I reacted this way, I was this way.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use knowledge and information as a definition of myself towards others

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use knowledge and information as the definition of myself as a 'protection' of myself against others' thoughts and perceptions on the same topic

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use knowledge and information as a shield in a 'power battle' against another trying to prove me wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attacked or affected when someone debates my point of view and when someone tries to 'prove me wrong'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take everything too 'personally' at times instead of realizing what is speaking and to what is speaking - mind - instead of seeing everything in self honesty here, in the moment taking every participant into consideration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react immediately towards R. wanting her to STOP because of fear of her confusing A. on what I had already explained her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that R. influences A on her process with her bunch of psychology theories that may only mislead her with self forgiveness application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see R as a manifestation of the same situation her mo ther and my mother have lived therefore, repeating patterns of 'hate' towards the 'sister' in desire of being the 'pretty one, the liked one, the right one, the intelligent' one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as friction with this particular person such as R. for most of our lives hiding it behind a so called 'friendship' as cousins but really, competing against other the whole time

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by power games with R.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I could not battle against R. because I perceived her as cruel and relentless, and me as vulnerable girl

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to experience extensive suffering about my relationship with R. because of what she would be talking about me with others, and therefore, affecting how others would perceive me as well

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get to 'hate' in a way R.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of R's fury and anger towards myself

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear R's envy and comparison she always created towards myself

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being the 'center point' of family and leaving her behind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see R as inferior to myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge R as being frustrated with her life, hence the way she is acting towards myself and everyone around her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive R. as being completely resented with her own life therefore, her attitude as wanting to be right all time and imposing her ideas, beliefs and perceptions on to people

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire shutting her up in moments where she would only speak out words that could 'harm' me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be affected, harm or be attacked by R and her words towards myself

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive R as a mean person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated by her way of speaking, not allowing me to talk and express myself because of talking to fast and raising the voice everytime I tried to make an intervention

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that she merely wanted to 'sink' me because of me getting 'more attention' and being 'liked' and appreciated by her own parents placing me as an example to follow

I forgive myself that I as R's parents, accepted and allowed ourselves to place marlen as an example to follow to R.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that R was my best friend and my favorite cousin

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to criticize A's way of life and actions instead of seeing the core of such manifestations within her and the reasons for them to develop

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as past resentment towards R for all that she 'did on to me' and making me feel 'miserable' at some point in the past of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive R. as being a stubborn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that everyone that holds science and theories as their 'truth' is dumb and won't make it without their mind

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to judge anyone's believes perceptions and ideas of life and on a certain topic because of how I deem and perceive that it isn't of any worth anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity R and her reactions towards anything or anyone that tries to debate herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that R is still in a battle against trying to prove me wrong and 'sink me'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel R. as being a threat to my life, therefore, existing in constant and continuous fear of what she could do or say about me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to give worth and value to what anyone outside separate from me could say or think about me therefore, being and existing within and as fear of envy feelings towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself according to the envy feelings and experiences I had in my past coming from other people

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel envied by most of people because of how I would develop myself at school and in my house

I forgive myself that i ever accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as a 'special' person because of the way i could develop myself in school and having a rather fast understanding most of the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive myself as being 'gifted' with much understanding, not realizing that understanding knowledge and information isn't the deal, but it's all about placing it into application and living it in every moment of every breath here

i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to give myself and place value and worth to myself according to the amount and quality of information and knowledge I possessed in the mind as the mind

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as special from the starting point of the mind's perspective

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that only I could be of worth and value and having a 'status' within my world If I continued developing my mind as knowledge and information

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel 'flattered' when anyone defined me as being 'intelligent'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive myself as being 'intelligent'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as separation from every one because of what I posses as knowledge and information in and as the mind, instead of realizing that knowledge and information is completely useless if it's not placed into application as me as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as resistance to call R. up and ask her that big favour about drying my clothes in her house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection or hypocresy coming from her

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that most of what we were in the past was having the enemy as a friend to be 'safe' about it

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem and define R as being the enemy, as being the one I would have to 'take care of'

I forgive myself tha ti haven't accepted and alowed myself to realize that I am still holding back because of past deeds and situations experienced with R that isn't allowing me to direct myself to ask her for a favour

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like an hipocrite asking her for a favour, not realizing that If I in fact do not move myself and quit all the guilt and remorse, I will remain with the uncertainty of how my 'relationship' currently is with R.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist within and as a complete ofuscation towards the situation not realizing that it is a resistance, therefore, entails a transcendence point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by R. not realizing that in fact, I only have to dial the number and ask her and if she's able to do so cool, if not, cool as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to confront R again if I do see her again because of our last experience being together wasn't 'nice' from the persepctive of having a 'verbal fight' on wanting to proove wrong one to the other

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to delve into those 'fights'

I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I must answer back quickly because, otherwise, it means that I'm not paying attention and that I can't 'think' fast enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the mind as an 'indicator' of how 'fast' I could be in expressing and disregarding anyone's point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceivd that I could get more affected and harmed if I talk once again with R and she's not willing to do the favour to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight, in a subtle way, for power over someone's ideas, beliefs and perceptions of this world.