septiembre 10, 2008

Dreams betray

my freaky dream revealing the twisted possibilities existing in my mind. I dreamed of A and that we were back together and... let's say that we were all happy together and more 'row mantic' than ever etc . . . I woke up with the sensation of ahh fuck that man again in my dreams... though I knew there was something 'worse' than just being back with him. lol and so while making my bed it popped up : going back with him meant smoking again oh shit and I clearly remember how I smoked it out of 'happyness' or something and fuck, I really wasn't aware of myself in that dream at all that's what it surprises me because I had usually been quite aware while acting and moving myself in dream. This time, nope, fell completely into it again. In the dream I 'fell' in love again lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream of falling in love again with A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive myself as being 'happy' again with A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'fall in love' again with that same man all over again thinking, believing and perceiving that this time, things could 'change'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep this idea in the back of my head as a 'possibility' that was brought up in a dream

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at myself for still having any kind of dream on A because it means 'I'm not completely over him yet'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become unpatient because I would like to be able to forget him already

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for still having 'secrets' to myself such as these desires to go back to A or smoke weed again linked to 'blissful' moments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that I was only happy when I was with A

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel supported by A to continue making my 'art' and I was his to continue making music

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having become dependent on his comments and his 'value' on to what I did as art work

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to picture us together living together creating like a couple of artists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to picture A as a vivid lover in dream not realizing that he was rarely acting like that in real life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'idealize' the situation by thinking believing and perceiving that this time, it would be 'different'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to smoke a puff of weed in the dream and until later in the dream realizing that I had broken my no weed process

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to break my own law, to break my own statements because of A being back with me and with that, my 'whole past ways' back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even think of possibly going back to him in a dream, that is COMPLETELY unacceptable

Really the deal is I don't feel that at all but the fact that I dreamed it makes me pissed off because it's like an undesired 'flashback' or deja vu

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am betraying myself while having this particular dream again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel 'happy' and truly 'enjoying' myself once again with A

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience regret right after taking that first weed puff instead of stopping completely right before I did it in dream

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up with that sense of guilt for not being able to stop myself from going back to A and from smoking again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of me with A and weed as the 'bad' me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of A and weed and I as the 'rebel' time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of me being with A in an intimate situation and enjoying it like 'never before'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that A could possibly one day change and so we could be 'together' in a way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'enjoy' myself with A in the dream not realizing what is it that I was actually doing in my dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I betrayed my own self by having enjoyment and 'happiness' in separation of myself

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