septiembre 20, 2008

Loop in dream

Fuck .. the dreams betray part 2 once again... after exactly 10 days same situation, same scenario and me not standing up why?? because I get enrolled within the whole romance and kissing and being together with the exact same person.

And worst thing is that I knew I was just delightful in dream because well, A and I were together again, yes crappy deal again but this time in my twisted mind I tried to 'arrange' as if he was aware of process and so we were going to be in an agreement and so we were going to be just 'happy' together lol... that is clearly a dream but the deal is that I was dreaming that almost at the time I had to wake up and I clearly, consciously ditched the cellphone/vibrating alarm clock and decided to go back to such dream because I was enjoying myself just being with A again and all happy and blablalbla. What is clearly going on within me that this is a dream loop? hmm and I just not only dreamed of A but also about this guy I've dreamed before E. and I just don't know why--- maybe because I clearly once defined him as a cool, kicked back and settled guy. I dream he was here with me staying at home (he's not from this city) and he even was going to take a shower and we were 'something' but not a relationship. . . but I found myself still a bit attracted to him but at the same time cool because we were supporting each other in a way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire want and need to linger to the 'kissing' with A because of my suppressed desires to do so every time I was with him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to exist and continue suppressing myself towards my desires to kiss A whenever I was with him because of him not liking to kiss people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be and become jealous whenever A told me that he'd kissed other girls

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be hurt by A telling me his stories of him being with other women with whom he would kiss and hug and do all that he rarely did with me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to despise A because of him never doing with me what he did with other girls

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still exist within and as the desire for him and for him to be 'ok ' and aware of process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream that he is aware of process and we are going through it together but also enjoying ourselves as a couple once again

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'we were a couple' when in fact this never wasn't true as we never settled 'what we were'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine and picture and live myself within the dream as being happy andjoyful and 'complete' again because of being back with A with a 'new' A that is past all depression and anxieties and fears and is ready to go through process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for being aware of wanting and desiring to 'go back' to sleep because of being dreaming about kissing and hugging with A once again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my current dreams and my current experience towards this dream as being ashamed and feeling a 'loop' within myself for not standing up in the dream

I stand up I DO NOT ACCEPT AND ALLOW MYSELF TO KEEP DREAMING IN EVER GOING BACK with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy myself within a dream and desire to keep generating these images within and as my mind to 'live' that which I wasn't able to live in real life and that which kept me bounded and suffering

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of kissing as the ultimate act of 'love' lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still desire to still be loved and cared and kissed by males

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be suppressing my inner most desires to be with someone, to seek and search for a potential agreement

That is unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use one man to make another one jealous

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I did was attracted to E. and I never quite realized this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire E to quit weed and him becoming aware of process because I deem him as an 'intelligent' and 'settled' guy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of E as a mature, responsible and nice guy

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to constantly dream of E because of all the suppressed feelings and emotions I had and experienced while being with him, but hid them because of deeming it all as 'not possible'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and having been a 'flirt' girl with E. because I wanted him to like me because I liked him back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually care and appreciate the moments I experienced with E. because of him being patient and easy going

I forgive myself that I ever desire doing something with him all the times that I stayed at his home or he stayed at mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as memories of going out with E. because of it being a 'cool friendship' if it was so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder how's E doing these days

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having freaked out E. the moment I told him about desteni

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all these ideas and perceptions of who E. is or was are not real and therefore, I STOP all mind perceptions towards something or someone of my past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in dream to desire being with E. because of me perceiving him as settled down

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see A as one and equal with me, therefore, still existing in suppressed desire to be with him

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see E. as one and equal with me, therefore, still existing within and as the desire, curiosity of being with him and seeing how he's been doing lately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been secretly 'liking' E. all these years without anyone knowing about it for certain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire suppressing my experience towards E. because of deeming it as 'impossible' and because of wanting to not 'fuck' the relationship by expressing myself towards him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire having a relationship and a sexual encounter with E.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get extremely drunk and high with E and even so, regretting never doing something with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not ever having kissed or being with E. in a more "intimate way"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire E and being with E. also to make my 'relationship partners' jealous whenever E. came to the city

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel extremely attracted to E. when seeing him again in the city, not mattering that I was then G's gf.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire visiting and seeing E because of the curiosity of knowing how he's doing lately

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be attracted to E. because of him being a 'problem' guy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept me as common sense and 'intelligence' that I saw and experienced with E.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to 'cheat' within my mind towards the guys I used to be with while being and thinking of E.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to not SEE that E. probably liked me and I liked him back though we never acted out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see E. as a very cool being with whom i could be with in an agreement with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that I would end up with a guy that likes deftones as much as I do and E. definitely is a deftones hardcore fan, lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider E. as an opportunity to be with someone who I could consider as being 'more intelligent' than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see E. as being 'more' than me within and as intelligence of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now desire seeing E. in a future concert to see how he's doing.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think of E as being a 'considerate' guy and a 'patient' guy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see him as being 'tender' with his little dog, therefore, thinking, believing and perceiving that he is just a sensitive being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted to the confidence he reveals within himself, not realizing that it is actually a shield to protect himself because of him actually being vulnerable to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impressed with E's abilities to solve computer problems

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being of the likes of E. because I deemed he only liked 'pretty girls' and i deemed myself as not being a pretty girl

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by E. because of not being a 'pretty' girl for him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deny my perceptions towards E. in fear of being rejected or in fear of breaking the friendship we had

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep myself secretly being liking E whenever I experienced myself with him.

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