octubre 23, 2008

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious in dream because of not being able to tell my parents that I was going to visit A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'concerned' in my dream on how to go out of home in order to be able to see A

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable and not wanting to go to see A because of seeing that his mother had arrived

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bummed by A's mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious because of not being able to tell parents that I'm seeing A again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear making A being waiting

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and be infatuated with the idea of seeing A because it seems that he is quite fond of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I can be 'punished' for seeing A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that mother gets to know that I'm seeing A again and scolds me or tells me what not to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be remorseful and retaliate towards my mother whenever she yelled at me and got angry for not wanting me to see A, therefore conditioning myself as to 'not see A again without her permission' not realizing that I'm not controlled by anyone's apParent authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous and fearing parents knowing that I'm with A while dreaming of being with A hiding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide what is it that I'm doing such as seeing A

OH that's difficult apparently because this would mean that I cannot hide anymore.

octubre 17, 2008

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone/lonely and therefore want to be with someone to share myself with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry over a past relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be waiting for him to call me or look for me so we can spend some time together

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being with him again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be numbed by this desire and experience myself as unable to do anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become' unstable' the moment I saw him once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable because of crying over a relationships that doesn't exist anymore as the one I had with A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I need him/ need to see him .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I need someone else to fulfill me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear just telling my parents that I am going to be 'friends' with A once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'weak' to tell this to them

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the wrong decision in deciding 'going out' or hanging out with A once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that without a friend I'm miserable, lonely and sad

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I'm not able to be alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire re-living my past within the relationship with A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire so bad listening to his music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only think that my parents are the problem with me actually seeking A once again

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want me to seek him, but want HIM to seek for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only exist in fears towards my parents and what they might think or say if I tell them that I'm going out with A once again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I desperately need 'human contact'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek A as a human contact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hesitating and doing nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperately lonely today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that something/someone must fulfill me instead of realizing that I am all, I need no fulfilling, only the mind needs a relationship to exist

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to suppress the 'pain' of leaving relationships behind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to go out with someone/ be with someone desperately

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone not realizing that I'm all one and therefore, I can't be alone

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the mind and fall once again into desires to be with someone, just to be with someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss 'past times' which is completely unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tormented by the memory of being with A listening to his music in his house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yearn past moments with A being with him in his house watching the sky

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yearn the moments when we used to be together doing nothing, just being together

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still be enslaved to memories of relationship with A

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel it's a torture to have him few meters away, yet not 'able' to see him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and my desires to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'tempted' by having opened a new 'contact' with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become unstable because of knowing that he's in his house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want him to call me

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to deem as 'too difficult' or 'impossible' to just forget about it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because of all these feelings still existing within me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate because of not being able to just be and instead, going around in circles with the thought of 'A is near me' in the head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself just because of my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my uncle and aunts would say if they see that I'm going to his house once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what the neighbors could say because of seeing that I go to A's house once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about these things with regards to 'what others may think or believe or perceive' because of me not being sure about myself within this situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define A as the perfect companion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I'm just holding myself back because of fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even think that I could give the back to my self and go with the flow wanting to be with someone

this is not so thus I stop

octubre 16, 2008

Protection

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire protecting myself from 'external influences' that might've hurt me within emotions and feelings according to what I deemed as 'offensive' towards myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having developed my defense mechanism in means of protecting my self definition, my ego as who I believed and perceived myself to be ever since I was a child

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use mother/teachers as authority, or any other authority as a synonym of 'protection'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that I need to be protected not realizing that this entails the very manifestation of fear within life as 'having to be protected' because of fearing being hurt, therefore experiencing the fears because of desiring to be protected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having developed a 'hard shell' as a 'tough personality' just to use it as a shield towards people that could hurt me, therefore making believe-kidding myself into thinking, believing and perceiving/deceiving that in that way, I would show to others that it didn't affect me, not realizing that I was merely existing within and as a defense mechanism of the mind and suppressing myself as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a man for 'protection'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in security systems for 'protection' from possible assaults or robberies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'safe' within a place that apparently has 'protection' as policemen and guards etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of life insurance the moment I think of protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the very manifestation of 'protection' towards water, wanting to 'save the world' by not using that much water

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in the very act of 'protecting' means that I am fearing, therefore, that I am merely surviving and fearing a future of being 'not protected- unguarded' therefore being 'vulnerable'-open to being hurt, harmed, etc

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be 'protected' towards any emergency that may arise, not realizing that in this I'm declaring: I am waiting for something to happen to me so I can be 'ready' for it

I forgive myself that I haven'ta ccepted and allowed myself to realize and see how much I am 'protecting' myself from the external world and in doing so, fearing the external world seeing it as a 'dangerous' place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect me' from that which drives me to do things, therefore, being protecting my ego as self definition and self preservation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use protection as 'trusting someone else' in separation of myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define protection as safe sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unprotected and therefore, being open-vulnerable to being harmed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having defended my beliefs therefore, protecting them within a cage where 'no one would enter' so I could keep myself within a personality definition of the mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having written my journals almost always in english so I could protect myself from my mother reading them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a 'bad handwriting' in means of it being a protection from others easily reading my school notes and journals and stuff because I didn't want to share

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect myself' from people in the street wearing certain clothes that will make me 'less vulnerable' to men's sights

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see parents as 'protection' as a safeguard that will 'come to rescue me' if I'm ever in 'trouble'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define family as 'protection' as a back up if I need any help economically or as support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear therefore, thinking believing and perceiving that I need protection from outside world

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that in existing within all of the manifested protection/defense system/mechanism, I am not living and I am merely defending, controlling and protecting myself within an environment because of fears that aren't even real but created by the mind as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a cellphone as 'protection' knowing that I can call anyone if something happens to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'protected' by having the keys to any house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a house as the manifestation of protection from the 'outside world'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my ego within self definitions that I took as 'flag' to defend myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to protect myself from the 'hostility' of the world by adapting myself and creating myself in the image and likeness of the outside world, therefore being fearful and paranoid in my past

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop habits of 'safety' towards my own protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect me' from illnesses by eating well instead of eating only to nurture my human physical bodies

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that many activities that I develop through the day are linked towards the 'protection'/defense mechanism that I have accepted and allowed to take over in situations and every day life, instead of realizing that I have to stop living in fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect' my self interests not realizing that within this I am merely protecting the ego of the mind as self definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being 'protected' as having immunity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of protection as not being able to be harmed, injured or hurt in any way either physically or emotionally therefore not realizing that I cannot be hurt, harmed or injured by an 'external source' but only myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not wearing protections to drive a bike

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the safety belt as a protection towards car crashes, therefore, manifesting fear of death

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that within the protection system I am manifesting fear of death, fear of 'who I am' within definitions of myself as a system.

I do not need to protect myself within self definitions as patterns that I've developed throughout my life as 'who I am' as being 'safe', 'secure' and 'protected'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling 'protected' by having enough money in the shelf

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having existed within and as beliefs and perceptions of being protected by any kind of white light 'brother' in my past

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use 'god' as a defense/protection mechanism, by placing trust in someone/something greater than me in means of protection, therefore, existing within and as fear

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to protect myself from being 'offended' or 'harmed' by using words that wouldn't create reactions on another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use protection towards myself in the most subtle ways and defining it as being 'precautionary' in precarious situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever carry amulets in means of 'protecting myself' from evil vibes or spirits or whatever lol

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to trust in something 'unseen' that would be protecting me from any external harm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my 'property' therefore, existing in fear of losing it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that protection entails fear of loss as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I cannot survive in this world IF I am not protected in enough either physically or 'mentally' therefore, not realizing that life has been the manifestation of survival and defending ourselves within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fears therefore, developing defense/protection as fat around the body

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to protect me as self preservation for the future, instead of realizing that all that exists is the moment therefore, all worries and concerns of the future aren't real and are system manifestations that I have accepted and allowed to become the very manifestation of myself within the mask of having 'precaution'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having developed a 'hostile and dark' personality in my teenage years because of realizing how 'vulnerable' I could be as being easily hurt within feelings therefore, using this 'tough image' as a shelter of people that would deliberately want to harm me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a personality as a protection/defense mechanism in order to survive in this world and not feel 'exposed' so I could be attacked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having used a created identity in order to protect myself, protect my 'inner me' from others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust in the mind's defense mechanisms such as crying or expressing any kind of emotion or feeling because of apparently not being able to 'handle' the situation in that moment myself, therefore experiencing such rifts within me where I allowed the systems to take over me instead of me directing me in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for protecting myself in isolation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first think of 'security' and ways of 'protection' before making a decision of going, making, doing anything to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more 'protected' when I'm walking in the streets with a male

I forgive myself for having ever used males only as means of protection towards other people/other males

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that a woman needs more 'protection' than a male

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use justifications in order to keep protecting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see protection as the 'way of living' in this world because of existing in fear of the world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to see having a 'backup' of money as protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define money as a 'weapon' as a defense/protection mechanism as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect me' by going out with enough money for anything that may come up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as being precautionary being, not realizing that this entails fear as a lifestyle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my defense/protection mechanism by creating it as a 'reasonable/logic' way of living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow patterns of parents towards protection because of fearing being vulnerable in any way

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use masks as personalities of the mind in means of protecting myself from 'other masks' that I deemed as being superior/more powerful than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire protecting my 'reputation' as a personality of mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe or perceive that I have to protect my family's interests as my own interests as the 'family name'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my integrity within morality rules and polarity of the mind as how the system works and operates

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that using protection 'is the way to live'

Life is here as all as one as equal, thus life doesn't require any kind of protection as who I really am as Life isn't able to be harmed, violated, hurt, injured, robbed, killed or any other kind of 'offensive' behaviour/act towards myself.

octubre 10, 2008

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide from the actual truth of myself, from what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as wanting to be always right and always having the 'right' answer for everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that wanting to hide is merely desiring self preservation as what I still deem to be a 'good quality' within me as perceived intelligence by the mind which is useless in self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I'm being 'too stupid' the moment I ask obvious questions, the moment I already know the answer but think, believe or perceive that I'm able to get some mind perspective to entertain myself this is complete separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from people I deem as being lascivious and lustful not realizing, I am them, and by judging I am supporting the creation of this reality and my experience within it, therefore I STOP I do not accept and allow myself to still desire wanting to blame others for my experience instead of realizing: I am ALL I create my reality here within thoughts, therefore I stop thoughts to stop myself within this reality as what I experience currently

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to feel inferiority towards others because of opportunities they get to travel to SA

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined now by a desire to go to SA

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others that have already gone to the farm and thinking, believing and perceiving that they are 'ahead' of me, not realizing this isn't about being 'more' or 'further' in process, but about me realizing myself as here, therefore this isn't defined by anything or anyone but myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted adn allowed myself for ever having experienced frustration and anger when having to wait for something to happen in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having ever gotten angry and frustrated when friends didn't arrive to our meetings 'on time' therefore, acting all angry and frustrated and mad at them because of them not having been 'on time'

I forgive myself tha tIhave accepted and allowed myself to define me as being sour at times when things 'wont' go my way'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel manipulated and feel completely frustrated while having to wait for someone to arrive in one meeting, because of feeling wasting time, not realizing, I'm always here, there's no time to lose

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to ever feel used when having me waiting for long time and people nto giving a damn about it

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to always having thought or perceived that I wasn't 'important' to others therefore, belittling myself constantly and continuously

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire shooting or shouting at people in front of my house that are praying like parrots to a lifeless image

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge 'others' stupidity, not realizing, I am also them, so I stop judgment towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem people as dumb for trusting an image as god

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as falling back to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire shutting people off when they are praying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become frustrated and experience anger while hearing people pray

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become extremely frustrated at myself for just wanting to be eating and not being able to stop myself apparently

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally LIVE the Self forgiveness corrective application as me here, and instead judge and blame me for not doing so and in doing so, compounding my self dishonesty.

I STOP!!!!!!!1

self judgment while asking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within questions and doubts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always wanted to 'know the answers' and 'be right' on everything

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I am actually placing limitations and definitions on myself within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that who I am is able to define 'right and wrong' not realizing this is only the mind creating separation within what's here as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having ever experienced embarrassment and shame in my life when I asked something that had an obvious answer, and therefore, thinking believing and perceiving that I was too stupid in that moment to not see

this happened today, lol what an big DUH i had

I forgive myself that I Haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I too doubt myself and I have questions that need perspectives to allow me to see what is it that I'm still doubting and wanting to maintain within self definitions of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that by not being HERE I make silly questions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self judgment whenever I ask something that has an obvious answer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be fascinated by the answers the mind may have to enhance itself instead of seeing in self honesty that the answer is already within me

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to still doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this 'wise' quote from einsteing I guess saying that 'it is of wise men to ask' or something like that, therefore asking and sometimes not seeing that the answer is already implied here

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to sometimes desire obtaining specific knowledge or information only to feed the mind, instead of stopping in self honesty here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustration wheenever I haven't been able to see a point within myself for myself

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to desire having always the answer and being right

I forgive myself that Ih ave accepted and allowed myself to see my own questions as failures

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to not laugh of failures and instead go into self judgment and repent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make 'such a big deal' out of all these questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that questioning myself within the mind as the mind will get me 'somewhere' in process

I forgive myself that I haven't realized and accepted that all is already here as me, i stop the wondering, I stop the fascination in mind processes, I stop the phenomena within holographic projections through the eyes, I stop myself from 'wondering' within the mind

octubre 07, 2008

Eli tist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created a personality for myself according to how I wanted to be perceived/defined by others, and therefore, treat me and consider me accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever buy things for my own visual pleasure and also to get, later on, recognition from others by perceiving those things as 'beautiful'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want recognition from others towards that which I own as myself or objects or anything else

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always desire being 'different' by owning 'special clothes' and stuff that not so many could find

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become pissed off anytime anyone would copy anything to me, because of wanting to preserve my apparent 'authenticity' and 'uniqueness'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see who I am behind this wanting and needing for recognition

I see i've got dark circle around my eyes, quite a long time since I haven't had that and I Know why is that, being 'challenged' by someone in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become used to 'being the best' at everything and in thinking, believing and perceiving so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'challenged' when facing myself with someone else who I deem as being 'better than me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever participate in competitions, in comparison towards others in means of 'winning' of 'being the best'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still perceive me as being 'special' and having luck in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my arrogance towards people when I deemed them as 'stupid' or 'non worthy' according to past definitions and considerations towards others as myself

I forgive myself that I have always accepted and allowed myself to make sure I'm 'the best' to make sure that no one else is ahead of me mainly at school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others and their application at school according to their abilities and skills and comparing them to myself constantly and continuously

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that some people get jealous of my effectiveness not realizing, this is my OWN perception therefore my own judgment and desire to even be cared of

I forgive myself that I haven't yet accepted and allowed myself to do things for me and by me only, not wanting needing or desiring any kind of recognition from others /good or bad doesn't matter, as long as they take me into consideration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that everyone's got a certain 'perception' of myself because I deem myself as being 'outstanding' and being remembered by many people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out according to these 'hidden' desires towards my self preservation as who I believe myself to be and according to an application throughout my entire life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that mostly girls are jealous of me - lol lol fuck how did I get here?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having developed a superiority/inferiority complex according to the situation I experienced, according to how I 'moved' myself within my life and the people I was with

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally accept ALL as me, one and equal, instead being still separating myself from others due to who I / THey believe themselves to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'giving advices' to people according to my own 'morals' which only show that I still have preconceptions/ideas of what is to face here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist within and as concern of my current situation instead of doing something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always perceived that many were jealous of me throughout my entire life, and in believing so, blaming their 'bad vibes' as the reason of why shit presented in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to having privileges, to be noticed, to be treated in a different way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want 'special treatment' when being in a crowd

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that I have been elitist and that I have separated myself from others according to their social status and according to how I perceive myself to be amongst others -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my own continuous applications, still allowing me to function this way instead of immediately stopping and not allowing me to go any further into this misconceptions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always desire getting 'the special place' I think, believe and perceive I deserve in people's lives

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that i was 'one of a kind'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel disillusioned the moment I discovered that there are millions like me, lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think believe and perceive that I had 'something' particular that not so many had

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'making a difference' from the ego starting point instead of being the 'difference' from releasing the ego and considering, being and living myself as one and equal with all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to having 'good stuff' around me

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that only when I have 'no choice' I will accept all and live one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the manifestation of 'specialness'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I was defending my perceived 'specialness' all the time in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being 'original' as being 'like no other' never realizing that it is all from mind perception that there could be such individuality, I am one and equal to all as all and till here no further: I do not accept and allow myself to still fall into the 'being special' trap/crap

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to acquire the ability to judge people according to their social status from my mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire wanting to find a reason or someone to blame on to my application as an elitist, not realizing that I placed this as myself and created it for myself

I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to first judge someone by the amount of money they had, how they lived, how their family was like and then, be able to be 'their friend'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having judged people for being 'elitist' with their friends never realizing that I did the same and I felt 'good' while being around people that thought just like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that only certain kind of people should prevail in this world , as the more 'adapted' ones, never realizing this is mind separation coming from occidental view of 'development' and civilization - the more adapted ones are the ones that live in order with nature, so I would surely be eliminated lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape myself according to my own wants, needs and desires to be fulfilled amongst certain people of my choice and wanting to please them within that which I knew 'they would dig/like'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in separation from others by immediately judging their appearance not because of 'looks' but because of how much those clothes are worth - it's even WORST!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become used to judging the 'class' of someone by their clothes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being defined by the 'quality' of clothes I wear, or others wear

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that someone to be my 'friend' had to be more or less in the same social range as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in social classes, creating separation because of money which divides and enslaves us all

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for having judged people who I deemed as elitist and being 'snotty' not realizing that I was hiding that same behaviour behind the 'cool' and ' I accept all' behaviour/mask

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed for what I've just realized of myself here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever feel 'ashamed', secretly ashamed of who I was and the family I had because I deemed it as being a reason to be 'ashamed of'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be extensively affected, developing inferiority that time when father got in a bad deal losing lots of money, therefore, feeling sad by not having had the same amount of money we used to and living in a restricted way

I forgive myself that I then placed trust and desire to 'get things back to normal' and praying to a god

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it was 'god's miracle' that father recovered in his business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so used to nothing being absent in the table to eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my clothes for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this bed for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my family's financial support for granted and something 'they must do'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider me as being 'very spoiled' girl in the family

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take my life for granted, life as the breath here as ALL i REally am.

I do not accept and allow myself to be impressed by money

I do not accept and allow myself to care about the amount of money someone owns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place resistance towards money talks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to see the actual truth of myself towards money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'money solves it all' not realizing that money is but a convention and it's inexistent

octubre 05, 2008

inspecting trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'I will go backwards' If I experience myself again with a male in my world

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to still be defining me according to who I was in the past and placing it as a 'background' for the future to come

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I still have 'much to live' with regards to my experience with another one walking along with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give head to future projections and expectations of how I will be living and how the 'future' will be playing out for me, not realizing that in doing so, I'm not living here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having placed my trust in partners and past relationships because of how I deemed that 'they would never cheat on me' because I had placed trust on them, therefore,

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire 'being payed' with the same coin by me placing trust on people and wanting people to trust me back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in being dishonest with others in an indirect way as being part of a cheating moment with another one therefore, breaking trust points within another as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only now see that I experienced myself as being safe within trust points in a relationship..

ok I'll expand this in my yournal.

octubre 04, 2008

tired of desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely and wanting, desiring some kind of contact with another person with whom I can communicate with face to face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it it's been too long since being with someone in a sexual way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a desire a confirmation that "I am alive" by having some kind of contact with a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustration by not being able to be with someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel being tired of desiring

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire defining my current experience in a certain mood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself within past relationships as being happy and fulfilled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will simply not be able to forget him at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I'm not able to completely detach from him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep regret and rancor towards parents because of them never accepting my relationship with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel anger and rancor towards anyone that has criticized me for being with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being back in vulnerability and back in fear because of just giving this etching to him. AH this is stupid really

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely stupid by gazing out my window just to see if I see him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be directed by the mind to do and make things that certainly just keep me bound to memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I need someone or something to be with today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a self pity face because of my desires to be with him or someone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel incapable of meeting new people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I won't be able to have fun again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because of apparently going to be alone for the rest of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having fun just as others talk about having fun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire going back to the time when I was blissful in my ignorance, not realizing this is just bullshit here, going back to not living at all but merely playing the part in the role I created for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to right now have a sappy face because of thinking that I desperately need someone to be with, to talk with etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that if I see that particular man with another one I will feel 'bad'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separate from past men in my life, not realizing I am one and equal to them, I just haven't allowed myself to not be defined by those past relationships

I stop all desires of the mind to make me go seeking a contact, a bond, an attachment to hold on to

I do not accept and allow myself to keep seeking for 'perfect match' for me to experience myself with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always been just interested in being with men I was attracted to in a strong or slight way, otherwise, there was no interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create interest in a person not realizing that this is merely declaring that I am not accepting a part of myself as myself and instead, go seeking it somewhere else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel such a fool by wondering and existing in past right now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find myself a purpose in this life as sharing my art with people I used to be with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of sex while knowing that others are having sex

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself and suppress myself within this thoughts and desires.

No more, I'm tired of this really.

till here no further.

A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I made a mistake in putting that etching in A's mail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire any kind of recognition of my current activity as making etchings by A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it was 'weak' from me wanting to give that etching to A in his mailbox

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give it to him because he likes my drawings

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that there isn't a bond anymore with us

why did I put that etching in his mailbox? Because he'd suggested me to share some music and leaving it in his mailbox. I've got no "new" music to share so I decided to just drop an etching in his mailbox. After all I don't mean to awaken anything by it, just want him to have it ... why? because he appreciates art and that's it. Am I justifying myself? could be, could be not. Really I'm just torturing myself with expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations with regards to A's reactions and wondering what he will think when he sees the etching

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider this very act of putting that etching in his mailbox as a weakness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable now that he acknowledges the fact that i wanted him to see my etching

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having all those secrets within me as still not being able to completely forget about him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and exist in uncertainty and doubt towards any reaction, not realizing that I shouldn't care on reactions/expectations but only what is certain, which is he will have it and that's it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'good' knowing that his mother will be going back to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustration by not being able to talk to him and know how he's really doing

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still care about him, how he's doing and about his current health state

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place 'hope' in him liking the etching instead of just giving it unconditionally, sharing it, that's it no big deal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over analyze the simple act of sharing instead of just doing it, without seeking any specific consequences or aftermath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel melancholic towards the specific moments in the past where I used to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire bringing back moments that doesn't exist anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire seeing him just to 'prove' myself and my reactions towards him still

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the mind's 'last resort' in keeping me attached to someone of this world in such a strong way that doesn't allow me to just BE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that such a bond is strong not realizing, really it isn't strong it's just the mind's last resort therefore it intensifies it to keep it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward with regards to my past and the relationship with A and people knowing about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what others think or have to say with regards to my 'relationship' with A going back and forth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an event that will keep me waiting or expecting an 'answer' a confirmation that he got it or any other comment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do this just to feel alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do such a thing as a statement of 'I'm here, I still exist, I want to share"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely stupid at this very moment for creating anxiety and nervousness by doing something by my own hand.