octubre 04, 2008

A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I made a mistake in putting that etching in A's mail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire any kind of recognition of my current activity as making etchings by A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it was 'weak' from me wanting to give that etching to A in his mailbox

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give it to him because he likes my drawings

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that there isn't a bond anymore with us

why did I put that etching in his mailbox? Because he'd suggested me to share some music and leaving it in his mailbox. I've got no "new" music to share so I decided to just drop an etching in his mailbox. After all I don't mean to awaken anything by it, just want him to have it ... why? because he appreciates art and that's it. Am I justifying myself? could be, could be not. Really I'm just torturing myself with expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations with regards to A's reactions and wondering what he will think when he sees the etching

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider this very act of putting that etching in his mailbox as a weakness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable now that he acknowledges the fact that i wanted him to see my etching

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having all those secrets within me as still not being able to completely forget about him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and exist in uncertainty and doubt towards any reaction, not realizing that I shouldn't care on reactions/expectations but only what is certain, which is he will have it and that's it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'good' knowing that his mother will be going back to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustration by not being able to talk to him and know how he's really doing

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still care about him, how he's doing and about his current health state

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place 'hope' in him liking the etching instead of just giving it unconditionally, sharing it, that's it no big deal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over analyze the simple act of sharing instead of just doing it, without seeking any specific consequences or aftermath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel melancholic towards the specific moments in the past where I used to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire bringing back moments that doesn't exist anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire seeing him just to 'prove' myself and my reactions towards him still

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the mind's 'last resort' in keeping me attached to someone of this world in such a strong way that doesn't allow me to just BE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that such a bond is strong not realizing, really it isn't strong it's just the mind's last resort therefore it intensifies it to keep it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward with regards to my past and the relationship with A and people knowing about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what others think or have to say with regards to my 'relationship' with A going back and forth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an event that will keep me waiting or expecting an 'answer' a confirmation that he got it or any other comment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do this just to feel alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do such a thing as a statement of 'I'm here, I still exist, I want to share"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely stupid at this very moment for creating anxiety and nervousness by doing something by my own hand.

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