noviembre 23, 2008

Art ID

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use art as a way of hiding from my surroundings, hiding from others and hiding from what is here to face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fooling myself while creating art instead of being certain of what I'm here expressing as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having used art as a way to identify myself within an opinion of myself in comparison to 'others' in my world as them not being 'artists' or art-makers, therefore, not being 'like me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uplifted whenever I get a notification that someone likes the stuff as 'art' I make

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dumb because of seeing painting as something that I do easily yet, receive congrats on a painting for 'making such a piece of art' and therefore, experiencing disgust towards the 'work of art' definition of something that I express myself within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting recognition from others towards the 'art' I make because of not wanting to be categorized and identified with stuff I make such as art, without realizing that if everything is one and equal with me here then I do not have to limit myself to 'the art I make' in order to identify myself. There is no need to identify ourselves, but only expressing myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking, believing and perceiving that I am able to be 'easily identified' within the 'art' I make because of having a certain 'style' therefore being 'unique/different/original' not realizing that it is merely desires to be 'unique/special' the ones that drove me before and taking me to desire making art

I Forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having used art as 'who I am' and 'what I was made for' excuse for me to identify and define myself as the very idea of myself within this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create most of my relationships within this world related to art instead of realizing that it is myself relating to myself just as any other relationship in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and think that people that are into art are more open-minded than non-art-makers therefore creating separation in thinking that the ones that create/make art are 'more' than the ones that aren't around any artistic expression. {

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire having an identification with a certain-specific way to express and experience myself through the 'creation' of art so I could make and define something as 'me-mine' therefore only creating and forming myself as opinions of 'who I am' within the act of creating and the products thereof

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an opinion as a certain 'choice' of which kind of art to make because of thinking that in doing so I will have a defined taste and expression to be more 'solid' within my own expression not realizing that it was merely sticking to rules and designations of 'what and how it has to be' instead of staying true to myself in every single moment in expressing me in every moment of breath as I am here.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to seek for 'ways' to 'attain' a way, a specific method or process to express myself instead of realizing that I am here, I express myself unconditionally in any way being it through art or not. I do not accept and allow myself to define what I do as 'art' or 'not art' as everything I do as an expression of myself is here in awareness of myself, therefore, it isn't a concept, it isn't a category.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having fooled myself in thinking that I had to take an external substance such as drugs in order to get the inspiration to create art or to be able to 'channel' a certain external influence received from another 'unseen' dimension therefore merely wanting to be special and having a 'talent' that could define me and make me 'more' than others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as someone 'special' due to my likings and preferences and choices to create and make art

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'proud' for being identified as 'an artist' or as someone that 'makes art'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the word 'artist' to define me as who i am and think that it is MORE than being anything else in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and define me according to superiority of mind as definitions and opinions of myself as 'who I am' as an artist, instead of realizing that I'm not a definition, I am not a concept, I am not a category, I just am Here

noviembre 07, 2008

ObeY

OBEDIENCE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as being 'obedient' and following rules that are imposed to me by 'the authority'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'breaking the laws/rules' in fear of losing my definition as 'being obedient' therefore, being a 'good person' that 'follows the rules'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR and believe in the fear that if I 'break the rules' as not being obedient to them is something 'bad' for me and that I am able to lose credibility towards others such as parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my current 'allowances' within the relationship with my 'parents' and fear 'breaking their rules' because it would mean that I could lose their 'trust' they've deposited/created towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to always be 'obedient' to anyone or anything that creates and sets a 'rule to follow' thinking that this makes me an actual 'better somenoe' or that it takes me through a 'safe road'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to break the rules and the impositions by the 'authority' within my world such as parents or teachers or school or 'the system' in fear of losing my current stability, comfort and the projection of being 'trust worthy' towards others as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being 'trust worthy' towards the authority figures within my world, thinking that this creates an 'easy stage' for me to walk through

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my comfort zones, my parent's trust towards myself if they knew that I'm breaking one of their rules as 'not seeing that particular someone' just because they don't want me to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as always being obedient towards my parents and therefore, submitting myself to their established rules

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'not following rules' as a way of rebelling myself, not realizing that it isn't about following or not but seeing what's best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my 'benefits' from having 'parent's trust' and fearing losing it if they knew that I have been lying to them in order to do something that they wouldn't actually 'support' me to do

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disobedient and fear disappointing my parents, not realizing that I am not able to disappoint anyone here but myself as all as one and therefore, the fear of disappointment isn't towards parents but for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parent's systematic reactions if I were to disobey them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents because of them reacting in extreme anger when it comes to me talking about relationships with people they 'don't like'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take personally their disapproval of people I go out with instead of realizing it has to do with themselves and their experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'being obedient' is 'good quality' that has defined me throughout my life, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that If I were to be 'disobedient' to certain rules imposed by the authority, I would lose part of my self definition, not realizing it isn't real anyways

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear PUNISHMENT out of breaking the rules and being disobedient

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confrontation and conflict if my parents were to know that I have been 'disobedient'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to fully realize that I am an adult and I no longer have to stick to rules imposed by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my father's monetary support IF he would ever withdraw it because of me 'not following his rules' and his 'plan' for myself within the life they want me to have, the people they want me to be with and the 'someone' they want me to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be one and equal to my parents, but instead define them as the 'enemy' that I must defeat and go against and fear because of them apparently having more 'power' over myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father's reaction and fearing him getting angry and disappointed if he knew that 'I went back' with A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother's reactions and fearing her being angry and disappointed at myself because of her knowing that I am back with A again as friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give room and head to thoughts of fearing parents due to old conditioning and situations within the past where I experienced 'extreme fear' due to them knowing that I was being with someone 'they didn't approve'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disobedient towards my parents approval of someone to be in my life or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually give room inside myself to think that my parents are able to decide for me according to their idea of 'what's best for me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still think, believe and perceive that because I depend on my parents financially, I must stick to their rules

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that MONEY is an issue that still traps me within following authority due to economic dependence on parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that as long as I depend on my father's money, I have to follow parent's rules and do what they want me to do

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I'm enslaved to their desires and wants to be fulfilled by me according to the idea/concept they want me to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still act like a little girl for some things and want to be a grown up for others according to how the situation 'suits' me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lock myself and deny my self as being fearful because of not wanting to 'lose' my parents support and fear being 'punished' in any possible way

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instead keep myself in a status quo as being 'in good terms' with parents instead of actually being honest with myself and do what I want to do without hiding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being misunderstanding 'what do I have to stand for' within this situation, fear of being interested on 'self preservation' by wanting to be friends with someone who isn't 'approved' by parents

noviembre 02, 2008

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear towards parents as authority, therefore existing in inferiority towards them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear them knowing that I see A because of them being able to 'ban him' out of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that they are able to tell me what to do and what not to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in anxiety whenever I know that 'I must get home' and I'm with A even though I'm few houses away from my house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'standing up' to my parents and allowing me to be more free as being able to go out with whoever I want to go out with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous and anxious and fear even telling my parents about me being friends with A again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that others are able to be an authority to me, not realizing that it is merely my perception of parents as authority over me and my decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'affecting them' by knowing what I'm currently doing and going out with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my parents might tell me that i am not able to see A ever again because of 'who he is' not realizing that no one is able to tell me what to and what not to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear them not allowing me to go out at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be paranoid about this whole situation without realizing that If I don't stop the fear towards this, it'll manifest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous whenever I know that 'my parents don't know that I'm here' therefore, being anxious looking at cellphone to see if they have called me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get quite anxious when knowing that it is almost 'time' to go home, therefore, fearing they might call me and wait me outside the door

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted by being overprotected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overprotected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to my parent's will towards who I am supposed to be with and who am I supposed to be with not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be carrying the 'traumatic experience' when they saw me with my ex boyfriend G. and threatened me to not allow me to go to mexico city if they ever saw me with him again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by fears of 'not being able to do something anymore' because of not obeying to my parent's rules and wishes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be conditioned by fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be free because I'm not able to go visit A whenever I want without fearing and having to make an excuse to tell my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked by parents if they know that I'm seeing A again

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to lose 'my parent's trust' because of them knowing that I've been lying to them to go see A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'good with myself' when I do what my parents want me to do and stick to their rules

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rebel against their rules because of fear of what they might 'do' in order to ground me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making my parents mad and angry for them knowing that I'm seeing A. again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all their disapproval for A. has nothing to do with A or me but with themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'tied' to parents because of 'doing what they want me to do'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure to stand up towards my parents and tell them that I'm seeing A. again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'defending' myself if they start nagging about me seeing A. again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by what my parents may think If they know that I'm seeing A. again, fear that they think I'm 'stupid' for "going back" to him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all this has nothing to do with my parents but with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for not being able to tell my parents where I am really going to because of them not being able to know that I'm going to see A. because of them hating A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'locked' by not being able to go out with who I really want to go out with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'what might happen to me' if they know that I'm seeing A. again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I'm not able to tell the truth with regards to my current situation with A. towards my parents because of them not 'understanding' and therefore not being able to be open about this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in plain fear to speak about A. towards parents in fear that they won't allow me going out anymore or will start calling me every hour to know where I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frightened of what might happen if parents know that I'm seeing A. again.

I forgive mysef that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others view's on my decisions.