diciembre 20, 2011

Anger–walking it out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a rather ‘pacific’ person but able to ‘ignite’ in one single moment if something doesn’t go ‘the way that I want’ and turn into a flame of fury in one second

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a ‘pacific person’ and non-chalant person that can go into a ball of anger in one go whenever things ‘don’t work out the way that I want them’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others around me in order for me to have ‘what I want’ and ‘as I want it’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘shut down the entire world’ the moment that I go into extreme anger in one moment, not really giving a fuck about anything or everyone and wanting to have a lightning striking myself in that moment without even daring to breathe through it because I apparently ‘have the right to get angry’

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have created this anger an ‘sudden explosion’ as an accumulation of anger within me for having procrastinated my writings and building up this inner discomfort because of my accepted and allowed laziness to not move myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger on to others and attempting to project the blame on to others without realizing that I created this unnecessary outflow of events out of my own desperation and over punctuality of having to eat at the exact time or else I’ll be ‘starving’ without realizing what the fuck it is to actually be starving in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get possessed by anger and within this judging myself for saying in my mind ‘once again’ due to anger having been a prominent point within my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger to be a ‘prominent point in my reality’ and still be defining myself as someone that ‘deals with anger issues’ without realizing that it is all self created and I must simply stop being angry at myself for not being up to my expectations from the moment I procrastinated getting up in the morning.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be requiring some ‘external force’ and/or ‘reason’ to move myself and get up in the morning without realizing I have to become that point that moves myself regardless of ‘having something to do’ or not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a perfect system that only moves if there is a particular ‘reason’/ ‘purpose’ to do so, and if such purpose or reason is nowhere to be found as myself, I simply neglect moving myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self-application and requiring an ‘external force’ to move myself

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect this initial experience throughout the entire morning and allowing it to accumulate and culminate in this anger explosion wherein I became frustrated at having to unnecessarily do things that could’ve been done in another way if proper communication was directed


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move out of spitefulness within thinking ‘if he/she doesn’t want to do it, I will do it’ and thus acting from the starting point of rushing and storming out with that initial energetic movement out of spitefulness and underlying anger that became evident the moment things didn’t go out as I planned and ended up moving unnecessarily.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to want to fulminate people out of my presence as I walked down the street existing as this ball of anger that simply wanted to have everything being destroyed in that moment ‘not giving a fuck’ to what could happen to me by walking on the street

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fed up of having to be existing in fear within this city, having to be watching my back at all fucking times and essentially fearing being robbed or something.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at a point of control to which I’m bound to by the single act of existing in a certain society wherein we have betrayed each other and fear stabbing each others’ back at all times due to the extensive situation of survival that we are living in.

 

I realize these are manifested consequences of our allowances and as such, we cannot allow ourselves to get angry at it but become the solution for it.

I realize that I had to direct myself ‘against all odds’ in terms of having to literally walk the entire energy out of myself in a physical way, making of breath everything that is ‘here’ as myself, when breathing this way it is a literal physical moving-point wherein I was then able to arrive to my destination having walked and breathed out most of the anger wherein I then directed myself to write it out and realizing how much shit I am able to create in my mind in such moments. I have experienced it before – different scenarios, different causes – and I won’t judge myself for having ‘fallen within the same point,’ I just realize it now and move on because that’s in essence what we’re required to do, remaining here and not allowing ourselves to get angry at the world but instead take the point back to ourselves in seeing how I am creating this point for myself.

octubre 23, 2011

Drifting off

I don’t mean to expand too much on this but it’s plain to see that when something’s ‘going on’ within me I tend to drift off and indulging into trivial stuff like spending time looking at my old records or books, specially when coming to my parents house as walls have some of my stuff and there’s all my past stash of whatever I used to build my personality with. Same with eating more as there’s just a vastness of everything which I don’t usually have so, I have to moderate that.

 

But also in terms of sleeping and other seemingly ‘unimportant’ events, like because I was completely alone leaving my bed undone, that’s like an actual indication of uh oh there is something going on. Same with falling asleep at times and then ending up wasting my time or whatever it is to waste your time.

 

So I forgive my self that I have accepted and allowed myself for dragging this long tail of ‘moments lost’ while I indulged into some form of diversion from what is here to get done.

See, having responsibilities is something that changes your life and I’m glad I have them but sometimes my free-willer vein shows up and I end up just wanting to form these ‘fleeting moments’ for myself wherein I can apparently ‘do stuff that I want to do’ as if I was chained or limited by something or someone – I’m not, it’s only myself and the policeman in the head doing that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still hold on to this ‘free will’ side of myself wherein I’d like to be ‘doing that which I used to do’ which was painting, music, going out for endless chats with people about life and death and pretending to be ‘getting somewhere’ within that. So, I still can do that yet there’s an obvious sense of self responsibility that can’t simply be scratched off now, so that’s how one’s life changes from that perspective. I’m glad though because I’ve given my self a purpose to live and if it wasn’t for this, fuck knows where and what I’d be doing.

Part of the cool things of writing ourselves to freedom is that I can publish it for the sake of leaving the stuff out of my head into words and open for the world to see because it is only through doing this that it loses its secret-mind attribute and I expose myself for what I tend to indulge in at times which ranges from news on the tv and music… either concerts, interviews etc.  Though all of it is just part of how I create a moment to divert my attention on purpose which I consider is also required.

I went downtown yesterday and I perceived I saw an old friend, well he was my ‘best friend’ for some years to the point of spending our entire weekends together talking about depression while flirting with suicidal thoughts. He was sitting on a bench, writing as always and I just passed on by. I mean this says it all with regards to how people in our past, those ‘blood brothers’ that we thought we were and would remain together for the remainder of our lives become nothing else but people that we pass on by without saying hi or anything because there is nothing to speak about – past is dead and we move on. I had no further reactions to it. As time progress I see that all the emotional attachment is able to be shed off and thus we remain and exist in a lighter version of ourselves, not having to drag our personal history around to have a sense of ‘who we are’.

I observed how people ‘have fun’ and it’s all related to an experience. It’s interesting but once we realize such experiences I can  have my experience of the day just going outside for a walk and enjoying looking at the birds and breathing the fresh air while watching the tonalities that this particular season creates on the trees and plants. I know I have kept these images as this vault in my head that kind of pops up whenever the mind wants some attention. When I wasn’t here such images of me walking in this place would come up and so I realized how much we’ve formed ourselves around places and images and even seasons and the experience thereof.

DSC06233

So I can say I see my life as pretty plain and yes this is a line by Blind Melon in that no rain song. I realize it won’t always be this way but it doesn’t bother me either. I’m even more ‘secluded’ when in Mexico city as I only move around a certain area of the place I live in, it doesn’t’ bother me either, I enjoy the familiarity created around that area even if it’s not the nicest area to live in.

 

It’s kind of hard letting go of the comfort and luxuries here in this house, but I’ve seen how it only takes a day or two to get used to the other place – really, that’s how the mind works and so, I rather focus on the physical reality, focus on what I have to get done because otherwise I drift away too much without actually directing myself effectively which then compounds as this build ups of frustrations and self-irritation that I obviously have created.

 

Letting go of this world that song was made by some faithfully deceived but I got it from bernard once in our mail and I got stuck to it for the simplicity and amateur taste to it, such a simple tune and mostly focusing on the title, let go of everything that is here, that’s basically what we’ve learned at Desteni and it’s fascinating how after all of these years, my mind still drifts off into the same bs wherein I end up making some type of artistic moment of it. Maybe I simply shouldn’t judge it, call it contemplation or waste of time but I probably also require to give myself some time to just stop being ‘doing something’ all the time which is my usual way of existing… when not drifting off of course lol.

 

Okay. So – this is it. I enjoyed coming here and getting out of the usual routine as well as using a big screen as monitor lol oh and listening to music and playing some guitar.

That was the weekend.

octubre 22, 2011

Secret meaning behind things

Fact is there is one painting that I haven’t published on the internet yet it hangs on the stairs’ wall of my parents house where I’m currently in taking care of moka and shakti while my parents are out.
I had deemed this as a condescending painting wherein I tried to use bright colors for the sake of doing something ‘cheerful’ to hand in such a visible spot.
Instead, I ended up creating a semi-abstract painting that I could call ‘the fall of man. There is indeed a man hanging upside down and the entire construction of space and time defined by a sphere-like object with the infinity symbol trapped in a vertical way, almost like one of those sand clocks that will eventually run out of grains to keep the track of time.
There’s a human character, someone that just appeared there with a very prominent chin – fuck knows I mean maybe courbet’s beard on his goodmorning monsier Courbet painting inspired such deformity. Anyways – the point is… there’s a hand as well, it was supposed to be a nice painting with something nice to say: it didn’t happen.
This is only one of several examples of how I tried ‘my work’ to be cheerful and eventually ending up with some twisted message along the brightness of such lines.
Does this matter in any way to ‘who I am’ – other than a personality definition of being bleak, no. It only reveals how within art and my expression I haven’t been able to kid myself as easily as I do in real life. I cannot paint shit that I will later realize I was only high on a pipe dream – whenever I did that, it was mostly related to some form of spiritual greatness but never ending on a false sense of ‘glee’. Even an open painting I made of someone smiling decorated the walls of my friends’ wall, a self destructive, self obsessed and depressed man that certainly reflected me back to myself which is how we became friends In the first place. I had painted that happy face withholding thoughts of some ‘bright future’ with someone.
You should see my bookshelf, I just reviewed it this morning. Maybe it’s because my parents don’t know English and trusted me enough to be mature enough to read all of that, but I would’ve taken my son/ daughter to have some pro-chat to investigate such preferences for books – one can only read the titles to get an idea of what I was all about back in the day.
I was shaped by music, books and a great sense of humor from my parents.
Oddly enough I could not seem to conciliate my apparent ‘stability’ when crossreferencing it with the reality that I saw. There was something wrong going on.

This is only but an observation amongst the entire woven patterns as the person I call myself. I am not any of that and giving it all good riddance is for the sake of my own self-realization devoid of any memories, any preferences, any fixations, any personal trivial data that I have cherished as if it had any meaning, including this blog wherein for some reason I am not trying to be talking to someone specifically other than myself, writing the same way I would write to myself in my handwritten diary  - although this will go out ‘in the open’ No problem on that as I cannot fear or want things to be another way. Principles over preferences.
Secret meaning is: there is NO secret meaning, there are only patterns we have to eradicate as 'who we are' to end-this-lie and actually live and express here. 

octubre 13, 2011

First 10 years of my life

I was born in a central city of México, 2 hours away from México City – a city that was founded early on in the colonial stages of Mexico –great baroque architecture downtown yet grew up in a ‘then’ relative new areas in the south of the city across from the state’s university.

I was born into a family of 4 already – I’m the youngest of three daughters to a relative young marriage – my mother was only 30 when she had me – and at the moment, I can only go as far back as 3 years old of age.

I was a happy spoiled child, I had all the attention from my sisters and parents – I had what one could consider a happy early childhood as I’d enjoy being at home just playing with dolls and having fun with my ‘nanny’ who was the girl that would also help with the general household. She was quite young and we had lots of fun that I remember, she was really brave when coming to the toilette and I’d ask her to please clean me. Lol.

I grew up listening to lost of music as my father is quite the music lover, my sisters would love to also sing and dance to their favorite pop singers’ songs and my parents would record it all –we’ve got lots of tapes of them singing and dancing and somewhere around there, there’s marlen walking around wanting to hold the mic as well. 

I do remember more that at the age of 3 I already had a favorite artist, that as your typical sexy-rebel woman that everyone would deem as a bit crazy, she’d wear these fantastic skirts that would flow as she danced, she was quite ferocious – still is as far as I know after all of these years. Let’s say she was a softer nicer mexican version of what Courtney love once was. Anyhow – I’d play around being ‘her’ and so my mother would make skirts for me so I could dance around and sing along and be recorded. My sisters and I would pretend to have our own ‘show’ wherein each one would pretend being their favorite artist. For fucks sake, I’d even take my idol’s name and use it instead of mine whenever people would ask me ‘what’s your name’.

Not so long ago I went to visit my parents and we were remembering how we once went to a fun park to Mexico City and they were carrying me around in this trolley type of car for kids. Though because I always had this desire to be a grown up and being older and  an ‘old girl’, I asked my mother to take me down from the cart because I wanted to drive it. So she did and at some point, I just continued walking thinking my parents were behind me, but they had stopped at some point to eat something and forgot about me. I eventually got lost in there in between all the people and to not make the story that long, they found me after a while in the center of a group of people – security people from the fun park were actually calling for my parents, but I had used one of my favorite artists’ name so I didn’t use the name marlen and so my parents didn’t have a clue people had actually found me. When I saw my parents I was extremely angry at them for ‘having left me’ without realizing that I had been the stubborn one in wanting to ‘drive the trolley’ instead of me being driven by my parents. So, yeah I hit them out of anger, I was so extremely pissed off an it lasted for a while even if they tried to comfort me with stuff. I was a real spoiled brat.

I was an unusual kid because I wanted to go to school before time. Well, my mother only took me to kindergarten when I was 4 so that was fair enough to begin school. I remember the first day of school, everyone cried when their parents left except me – I saw everyone just crying out loud and I played strong and held it even though I did want to cry just because I saw everyone crying probably, such an awkward moment but that was it. I remember being a very serious and quiet girl. Teachers loved me because I was so well behaved – this is mostly due to having being educated by my father and mother with ‘good manners’ and basically always being tidy and nicely dressed and all. I remember the first time I was scolded at school, it was 2nd grade of kindergarten and that was because I took some scissors and cut off bits of some guy’s hair lol. For some reason going to the hairdresser was one of those experiences I remember very well as a kid, and also because my nanny knew how to do it so it all fascinated me somehow, that’s how it was so ‘easy’ for me to grab the scissors and follow the moves I had seen from people cutting hair – but this boy started crying and so they scolded me.

I remember learning english and how I went learning, it was something extremely enjoyable. I said I was an odd girl because I would cry when I didn’t go to school. I would not want to miss classes or something ‘important’ – lol this was kindergarten for fucks sake.

For the most part I remember being attracted to some kids at that age as well. There was this skinny ill looking boy that I liked – then someone told me he liked me too which then made me want to run away lol, he once gave me a lipstick and some teddy bear thingy for christmas, I was so embarrassed I didn’t know what to do – but for the most part I feared such relationships, I couldn’t fathom kids having boyfriends and such. There was a guy that was the typical blue eye blond boy that all girls liked – he apparently liked me but I didn’t, I didn’t like the cute guys and I’d instead play with these kids that were mostly troublesome. I liked a kid from new york, he was like some 3 years older than us and he was placed in pre-school to learn spanish. His parents were divorcing and he was going through a rough time. Somehow I remember understanding his conversations in english with teacher or at least imagine what he was nagging about back then. Seems his emotional state left an imprint as he’d just suddenly start crying and then he’d be just laughing the next moment. I’d play some with him. I’d also play with another friend with barbie dolls. He enjoyed taking the dolls clothes for the most part which I found hilarious, though our teacher didn’t like that – I found it awesome that he could play a girl’s game without fearing being called a sissy or something.

He then left to Germany and we kept some letter exchanges, lol he’d sent a letter from there saying ‘how was Halloween there? Happy chirstmas’ and his signature with some dinosaur stamp. Lol, quite funny. He then came back for a couple of years and was quite the rebellious type, imagine having lived in Europe and then coming to old-fashioned mexico in one of the most conservative cities in the country – nah. He was a ‘badass’ for having some traces of long hair on his back. Anyways.

I was the ‘perfect student’, I was always getting great grades and being praised by teachers, earning diplomas in every single school ceremony at the end of school years and whatnot. This as much as would’ve seem something cool was rather a hard time for me – not so much for being called a ‘nerd’ but because of how my ‘friends’ would turn their back on me for being praised by teachers and such. I loathed that, I disliked it so much to be named and placed as an example to follow. It created a great amount of pressure on me at that young age. I’d actually be a very nervous kid, I’d have a lot of anxiety for this, always wanting to ‘keep up’ to the expectations of teachers, to keep that ‘place’ at school. It was a great school I must say, not so many children, bilingual school and teachers had worked in a german school so it was basically with that influence minus the german. Very strict, lots of cleanliness, discipline, reading habits, almost personalized attention. I mean, I got to be in a class of 7 people at some point – it was that small and that’s not because it was a ‘priviledge’ but because everyone mostly ran away from such school  - they deemed it as way too strict and small for a normal development – that to a certain extent was true, yet I had fun being with the same classmates through primary schools.

The points that I’d ‘suffer’ about was being backstabbed by my so-called best friends, I’d cry a lot for that and my mother would be all worried to see me crying and so sad because I was basically rejected at times for being a smartass or a brain and some other kids simply wanted to ‘beat me’ in ‘honor placements’ which is they wanted to be first place which kept me in the lines of being envied and with such pressure to ‘keep up to that expectation’ – I was only 7 years old then, imagine that.

To me at that point being alone during recess was such a torture, I’d be really sad and wanting to cry all the time when I’d see the girls in my class gathering to eat lunch and I’d have to sit alone somewhere else and whenever I’d attempt to just join them, they would ignore me. This somehow was something that didn’t last all the time. I later on got along with them again as there weren’t that many girls in our class anyways so, I went through the entire ‘best friend’ era which also ended in a rough time after several years – that’s another story. I do remember her father was a german man that I’d be oddly afraid of yet kind of attracted to lol, I think he even got to know of this between joke and joke but anyways.

I was a responsible kid, I would always make my homework, my mother never had to push me to do it, I’d always do it by myself, she’d just have to sign them to say ‘I made them’ but she never really  had to sit next to me to make me do it. My mother was cool support when I’d get really insecure and nervous about the entire friends and school scenario, I feared making mistakes. Lol I once had a nervous breakdown while having mental calculus at school, I lost track of it all and got so anxious that I just started crying in front of the class, such an embarrassing moment – I have written this before and self forgiven this amount of pressure and self inflicted standards. My mother would always tell me ‘I could do it, I knew the stuff so I sholdn’t worry’ and I did, I was just over concerned at times even though it would always turn out well somehow.

Part of the odd parts at that time is when at age 7 I got cable tv – I had already been watching some music videos aired at 4 pm on some incipient national tv channel, though it was in 1994 that MTV Latin America began and coincidentally that was the time I got my mtv and boy oh boy, things went haywire from there. I stopped watching tom and jerry and began watching videos all the time. I’d make my homework and everything in front of the tv, I was a real tv addict man, throughout my childhood and for the most part up to highschool I’d say. It was ‘beneficial’ as that’s how I got to train my ears and learn more english – lol I remember going to my English teacher in second grade and asking her: ‘What does Seether mean because I can’t find it in the dictionary’ – that’s a Veruca Salt song and she obviously didn’t know – I’m glad she didn’t know what I was talking about either.

English was my favorite subject at all times because of the variety of stuff we’d do like singing songs and playing games, going to special rooms to listen to recordings, watching movies, learning all types of interesting stuff. We’d have 2 hours of english on a daily basis so that was awesome as well.

So, back to watching MTV. I already had a taste for music, specially ‘rock and roll’ which was what my then early childhood idol would sing to. But this was just another level. I mean, I can recall being watching mtv when the news on kurt cobain being dead went on the air and I even experienced something that I assumed people would experience when someone died. Funny programming but anyways, I became quite a fan of grunge stuff at that time – then I became fond of virtually anything from britpop to alternative, aerosmith, guns and roses and that type of stuff. The visual impact was equal to the auditive one. I was such an addict to mtv, I’d watch the 100 best videos of the year non stop, I’d eat in front of the tv, I’d make my homework with mtv – I began compulsively learning band names and songs, albums, video directors, etc. But, I was also specifically fascinated by girls in bands, to me they were the coolest thing on Earth.

In between my isolation in front of tv, I did have some girl friends that I would hang out with. I’m grateful for one that ws 2 years younger than me and got me into being more of an outdoors girl, riding bikes and skating, playing video games and she got me to like the simpsons and so forth. She had a brother well, she was actually the daughter of friends of my parents from an association they belonged to, so we’d be in each others’ house watching movies and eating chocolates, playing games and stuff. Her brother was already in highschool by the time I was around 8 or 9 and he’d be listening to marilyn manson and pantera and other metal stuff. I had a crush on him lol a tall skinny black haired guy that was into building 9000 pieces puzzles, I remember an impressive one of the tower of babel. Quite fascinating and to me seeing his cd’s and stuff, I knew what he was listening as I’d see it on MTV, sometimes we’d have short chats about it but I’d be a bit nervous while talking to him.

With that group of ‘friends’ from my parents, I also got to know some other guys, also much older and they’d caught my attention because they were these brothers with really long hair so lol to me they resembled the guys that I’d see in headbangers ball and I was just fascinated by them having a band – oh man once they played in my house and I was so delighted – but for the most part I was just an 8 year old girl while they were like 18, I just always wanted to be older to get along with them.

I had another best friend with whom I learned to listen to softer techno stuff at age 8 or 9, we’d spend hours and hours skating and playing – she’s dead now, her entire family died in a carcrash few years ago. I did have lots of fun with her though.

With my cousins I had a tough time. I would be the laughing point because of them not liking the stuff that I liked watching, they’d make fun that I watched mtv all the time while they watched your regular kid’s stuff – I then always wanted to be hanging out with my older cousins who were around my sisters age – from 5 to 10 years older than me. I got to be part of them and go to the movies and such, doing ‘grown ups stuff’ before I was 10.

That reminds me of alcohol as well. The first time I got drunk was at age 3 and I remember that very well. My parents were out on a trip as they would usually do back then and I was left with my sisters and ‘nanny’. I had a real taste for these fruity alcoholic beverages – alcohol was an ‘ok’ and acceptable thing in my family, even for kids for some odd reason – and I became an actual alcohol lover from a very young age – I’m not kidding. When I was 4 I remember drinking more apple cider than I ‘should’ for my age and got a bit drunk with it – I  learned I had to ‘keep it quiet’ so I’d do it secretly. I definitely was on my way to become an alcoholic of sorts because I’d use any time that my parents were out of the house to go downstairs and prepare me something to drink. I really loved alcohol, the taste of it mostly but I assume that the feeling came with the taste as well. See, my mother’s family is a huge family, they were real powerful people at some point, short lived time because they squandered their money in huge parties, alcohol and maintaining their women. Whenever we’d go to the hacienda to visit my great uncle, it meant I’d have free access to alcohol so I’d be delighted to go, I’d get drunk and manage to hide it very well and I mean, I was what 8-9, 10 years old when I’d do that.  Eventually at that early age and oddly enough, I earned myself a reputation in my family of being a drunk – yes, believe it or not, such ignorant people allowing me to drink and my parents didn’t say anything either – I am not blaming anyone because I am fully aware how I got myself into it, but I was allowed to do so. In fact, due to me being a ‘responsible girl at school’ I wasn’t so observed by my family, I’d watch beavis and butthead and even soft erotism in movies at that early age without a single problem.

So. Fun times and memories for me were with my cousin with whom I went through several rivalry points wherein I basically became annoyed at her wanting to be like me. It was such an odd time, we’d go to the same school and not talk to each other, we’d live in the same street and not get along – until we became ‘friends’ again when I was 9. Then the real fun began.

I’d be hanging out more in her house – she’d be the boy-band girl while I was a lot into garbage, no doubt, smashing pumpkins and other bands so we couldn’t get along in the musical terms though we had fun in our ways. Lol I once played to be one of my idols Shirley Manson. I painted my face with heavy make up and danced to the song when I grow up in a crazy way, my cousin recorded it and made a video out of it- lol it was ‘too big’ for his hd so he had to erase it, but I had a blast doing that.

IN the house next door to my aunt’s – my cousin’s house – there was a guy that I had known throughout my entire life and I’d only know he was a real menace, a real badass. He got kicked out of all schools, he’d smuggled porn at age 8 in school, he had blackmailed teachers and his parents to commit suicide and virtually quite the medicated case of what his parents thought was ADHD – this i  only got to know later on. But, it turns out he was into music- that’s what he did. And so whenever I’d visit my cousin, I’d hear his band coming over to his house to rehearse. He’s 7 years older than me so he was already quite the teenager playing his guitar and I’d literally press my ear against the wall to hear him play. I just had a gigantic crush on him. This became the biggest secret kept because everyone in my family had labeled him as a real disaster, a real maniac, a rude guy, irresponsible, and any other bad-ass connotation you can give to a human being. So, I was just amazed by him and every time I’d see him, I’d have those butterfly thingies and I’d start daydreaming about being able to hang out with him. To me it was an ‘impossible love’ that I could simply entertain myself with for the time. You know when you’re a girl growing up and other girls start asking you ‘who do you like from school’ I’d say no one and I’d always explain I liked this guy that was my neighbor. It was not entertaining for them as they didn’t know him.

 

Funny that I had a real conflict trying to like the usual ‘nice looking people’ – I mean, when I was 9/ 10 I had a real crush on butch vig, Garbage’s drummer and the guy was like almost 40. The stereotype of man that I formed in my head as the ideal man was a grungy looking bearded man – don’t ask me why Chris Cornell pops out at the moment – not to mention others like damon albarn and later on John frusciante. Lol.

In terms of my sisters and all, I had a real hard time when one of my sisters went through her teenage years. I got to become aware of how my mother would be eavesdropping all the time wanting to know if she was dating boys that she didn’t approve of – same with my oldest sister. I mean, I got to be petrified of her ever reading my diary as she’d do with my sister to know what she was doing and so forth – most of this stemming from my mother’s self projected fears on ending up pregnant as young as she did at age 19 and having to get married. So, she would compulsively be wanting to know all about my sisters ‘candidates’ for relationships and whatnot – I’d witness the entire thing making sure I would NEVER let her know who I liked in school or anywhere else.  I had a cool time with my oldest sister who is 10 years older than me. Somehow it became easier to be with her than with my younger sister. From her I got to know Frida Kahlo and her bizarre gory paintings that I’d be so fascinated about when being in her room – my mother would complain all the time that they were too ‘gory’ and that they denoted a lot of suffering which is what probably clicked with something within me. She’d also listen to old stuff mostly the beatles so I got to know every single beatles song because she’d e a real hardcore fan. She was more into a socialist-school with provocative teachers that would make her kind of a revolutionary type of person, quite bright and I’d enjoy talking with her. Later on he entered university where rich people would attend so, she became just another strawberry in the pod and left her initial ideals at peace.

At the end of my first decade I took some dancing classes that I enjoyed a lot as well. In fact as a child I’d dance all types of music at family parties, I’d dance till 4 am till I literally dropped. I was the ‘fun of the party’ literally, I danced throughout my childhood and partied what I didn’t party when I was an actual teenager – weird but that’s how it was.

I got to go out of the country in my first decade twice to the states. I got to see a topless girl on the streets of Berkley when I was 7 as well as their ‘museum’ which was a closed type of parking lot with lots of pairs of shoes pointing towards a single point: a toilet. Lol. I got the disneyland experience, the gambling experience and even picking what would become my ‘lucky number’ while doing so. I’d go seeking for outrageous shoes and clothes that were mostly saying HERE here! lol. I had fun nonetheless and things started changing only when I got to the next ten years of my life which-  just like any other human being – defined who I am and all that I stood for in my world.

I must say that as much as I was fascinated by mysteries and occultism at this age, I was also very fearful of the dark. By this time I was already aware of channels/mediums, I myself would think of that being a ‘great deal’ to be aware of a ‘god’ even if others didn’t and to have this special shortcut to god through this channels and that’s when I began learning about ‘spirits’ and dead people residing in your house etc. I was extremely afraid of that, and that’s also how I’d end up.

 

This was certainly long and I’ve not revised it either- this is as raw as it can get – There you go, Ross, part of the story and I’ll continue with the second part as next 10 years in my life which will probably take an entire book lol.

 

Thanks

octubre 12, 2011

Photography

 

I had quite a point walked with one particular teacher with whom I had a certain ego clash wherein I certainly allowed myself to get angry eventually almost yell at him storming out of his office, only to then having to face him again to present the pictures – surprisingly enough he gave me the highest score.

 

I had judged him a lot and I had written it all out before and I’ve also written out how I had to yet again present another credit – the final credit in my career – which is once again photography.

 

I didn’t take the photography workshop because of many reasons… probably indecision was the greatest one as well as having had other priorities in my world when the time came to arrange my schedule to be able to be part of the class from the teacher that was supposedly great.

 

Somehow I avoided taking photography through the career, in fact I had a very odd road within arts school – not that it matter now – but I found out too soon that I would not be eventually doing that so I would spend only the required amount of time there and the rest I’d dedicate to study Desteni and writing and literally locked up in my house watching all videos and participating in the forums etc.

Okay, deviating a bit from the point as it seems I’m trying to justify why I didn’t take such credits when I had to – although I can say it’s much better to present these credits through extra-ordinary means than having actually spent 12 hours a week on a workshop smelling chemicals that I won’t ever use. Still got a camera that I’ve never used though.

 

THe point I came to write about here is how I ended up being able to understand this teacher, somehow the entire ego guard was down the moment he saw my work and even got to congratulate me – which somehow I saw I found flattering coming from someone that usually rejects virtually anything. He said how my work was revealing an actuality that is not usually present in the works of people in that school so, that was quite cool and I saw how I tried not to feel flattered but I still saw how this energetic high came up. I mean, we ended up discussing social matters and he didn’t even ask me to frame the photos or anything, he simply liked them a lot so to me it was a cool ‘boost’ coming from someone that has worked through the entire traditional ways of making photographs and considering how I first had approached him with resistances that have now been officially healed as I shared with him a paper that I wrote on photography and myself.  He didn’t even read it I must say, he just checked it out and I simply explained the content of it, discussed on how what I’m doing has no name and I’m not even bothered it doesn’t have a name as I don’t care – all of it came out through playing though I look at what has made such photographs be possible and it’s all because of travelling and money related and virtually specifically this photography point that I had some ‘success’ with early on left such a mark within me to know that I didn’t want to present something just ‘nice’ to people, I wanted to deliver a more precise message and so I did. Or so I am doing.

 

Anyways, breathing and looking deeper into what I’m trying to say here – and the reason why I’m typing is because it would take me longer to write it on my notebook. I see it’s because this person understood somehow what I have experienced and walked through taking pictures – from me leaving it aside as ‘something I do’ never really considering myself a ‘photographer’ as I know fuck all about handling a ‘real camera’  yet training myself to create images that’s it. And how the entire process of taking pictures had literally become ‘my thing’ and mostly getting to be the most ‘successful’ thing I’d do – I got my ego rubbed many times with that by many people. Then having left it out of the game for quite some time, my photography blogspot is the witness of such process as well, from posting photos on a daily basis to none in months – I literally set it all aside only to now be working in a more specific manner that I am comfortable with as saying what I actually want to say.

 

Taking photographs, being here, that’s what it was and it wasn’t really about the motive taken at times, but just the moment of I am Here – I see and realize this is me trying to create something ‘more than what it is, I see that it is still part of wanting to create or place some type of importance in who I am and what I am and whatever mental delusion I created around me and taking pictures and/or creating or being an artist… I actually cried for no fucking reason yesterday, I blame it on hormones and full moon but there is just something in there and I opened a sketchbook and wrote something along the lines of ‘never stop creating art’ because of whatever reason I saw in that moment – being understood but why would I even want to be understood, why would I want another to see what I see or how I see the world – we all see the same way so anything else is just quite a mental delusion around it all.

 

So I’m here to debunk myself, to stop lingering on to any ego-rub that I’ve gotten these past few days around this point. Ultimately, it’s not about me having any form of recognition, it’s about such photographs being able to be an extension of how I see and express the world that I could get to capture because of having the means to do so – otherwise I’d not be doing that.

 

Looking deeper again, this also has to do with the entire idea of me having entered art school with the sole purpose of dedicating myself fully and completely to creating art – I somehow had written before how the entire point of Desteni had come in a crucial moment in my career wherein I made the decision to not give art school all my time but rather focus on Desteni – I cannot regret such decision at all but I see there are still reminiscences of such perceived limitation to my ‘creativity’ – that’s how I had to link my own process as a work of art for the sake of not ending up as lacking actual creativity or experience within the stuff that one usually creates on art due to having spent most of my time devoting myself to Desteni.

 

Ultimately this can only be about ego after me having had some type of condescending recognition by this particular character that I had loathed before and that is still loaded by many due to ‘his guts’.

 

I’m glad I’m over this, and I’m simply going to publish this for the sake of it getting lost in between the digital space of our mental outbursts that must be exposed in case anyone can benefit from realizing that stopping our personal mythologies and special-considerations is part of focusing on what’s actually relevant, what’s actually real and what actually matters wherein I could definitely see that creating images can only be for fun and an outflow of what I can see in a given moment – but for now there are other points at hand that require my full attention.

 

So, I stop from hanging on to any feeling that I get when creating a certain photography, when admiring anything that may be here in front of my eyes and instead of making it an experience, I breathe and stand one and equal to it as myself.

 

That way I stop creating such extra added toppings on what must be just another part of my preprogrammed self desiring recognition kicking in – this has been exposed and self forgiven so here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an entire experience around the point of getting some compliments on work which can only feed an ego of the mind and not the physical reality at all.

septiembre 12, 2011

frazzled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require a reason to write

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience such ‘writer’s block’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I require that ‘push’ that I’ve gotten on the past weeks to write

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on someone’s writings to write as a form of stimulation to write

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I require to be efficient only when writing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write from the starting point of wanting to create a ‘greater impact’ on others which is the separate from expressing myself here and instead, going into an ideal of how I must write.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes miss the point of what is it that we are actually doing here writing and sharing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes see this as a chaotic dream that I wish I could wake up from.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that such thing would be a ‘nice thing to experience’ which could only be an experience, ready to fade away.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other beings around my age who are ‘making it’ in the world and having great jobs and money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I’ve wasted my time

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still hold desires in the back of my head to do music

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could be ‘happy’ if I was in a band

 

I know this all sounds ‘out of nowhere’ but I had designed myself in the way of first trying to be a writer, if that didn’t work then I’d be an artist – or artist came first, doesn’t matter – yet the least likely option was my third option and the one that I would consider more dream-like which was being in a band. I find myself fascinated once again by this point, just my mind trying to create of this some apparent ‘great’ things that I could aspire to.

 

Sometimes I give myself some time to just wander around music videos and be ‘distracted’ or some ‘diversion’ from the points that are my main focus in my life… it always feels kind of ‘icky’ stepping down from the bubble of watching music videos and interviews with artists and so forth… this is one of the reasons why I don’t watch many movies nowadays.

 

I’ve got much to say but sometimes I keep my mouth shot.

I’d like to talk at at times yet there’s no one to talk to face to face.

We deal with human kind and everyone’s just willing to accept their nature as it is, I am challenging it and by doing this it’s inevitable to get to these points wherein I’d like to just press the ESC button and run away from it all – I can’t, no one can and so I instead stop making a fuzz about this and get myself back on track.

 

I can only dwindle myself in these thoughts.

I never understood poetry, I always wanted to write it though. I tried hard wanting to understand it, lol – to no avail. I liked reading the beatnik poetry like desolated angels by Jack Kerouac, I fell asleep while reading it in front of the sea, it was like going out of my body with the sound of the waves and being completely gone for a good half an hour, a sleep so deep that I would’ve thought I had died there.

There is No Wow in this reality anymore, everything has been said and done and as humanity, we’re only demolishing the remains of that which we ever built in the name of our enlarged egos.

I had some memories popping up today,  like when my ex. partner/man found me in a concert and I was completely gone, he was so shocked and I was so high I couldn’t keep my eyes fully open. I forgave myself for that memory and the shame that came with it, it was a sonic youth concert. I drank grape juice to get some sugar and my blood back on track.

 

I am 25 years old, I’ve gone through some relationships in my life, most of which my mother has never found out, I’ve done things that probably I wouldn’t have ever expected myself to do, but I’m certainly being/doing that which I would’ve never ever imagined myself doing, so hooray for that as I am breaking my preprogrammed slant. 

 

Re-birth.

 

Does this made any sense? does it have any connection? It did in my mind, now it’s out here for me to see and read how it is that one can go down and low for the sake of some clarity on the tight rope.

When things in this world stop making sense, it’s hard to keep you in the sane lane – yet what is sane for myself can mean being dead for another – no feeling, no emotion, no thinking, just breathing and walking the world that we’ve disturbed.

How could I ever do this to myself?’

‘How on Earth have I accepted this to happen and continue happening in this world?’

When one finds madness one can only direct oneself to clarity – Nothing can fix what is done, only I can forgive myself for all that I’ve done, for all that I’ve allowed and for all that to which I am bound as I’ve fallen to the ground and begin to crawl again like a newborn, back to innocence without knowledge, fears or pretensions and can only express and live here –

I stop the futile creations of desires in my mind, of a life that I never had and never will, I stop and look to see fellow human beings that have no time to dream, because they’ve got no roof over their head, they’ve got no toilet to shit, they’ve got no cool water to drink. I stop all my futile dreams as I can dream only because money has allowed me to do so, I like what I like only because of the lifestyle that money has created for me.

I haven’t placed myself in the shoes of another, I wouldn’t be ‘alright’ knowing that being a starving child doesn’t even have a shoe to walk upon and eats grass in the desperation and craving for food that we have collectively agreed to deny.

 

If humanity has been the ‘evil’ in this world, humanity must redeem itself to each other and every other sentient living being Here.

There is no other way but to Forgive Ourselves, to stop the sorrow and the pain and instead focus on what is here to be made.

When fellow beings can’t listen, it just means they are still trapped in the mind delusions, they haven’t taken the choice to breakthrough their fears, it’s only ‘normal’, it’s part of the game. And as desires, hopes and dreams fail, humanity will turn to seek an answer while it was always here in each one of us: to consider life in Equality because I can only see that it is until then that I could allow myself to dream again as my dreams will only be a re-creation that cannot separate me from myself here, as all will be fulfilled, as all will be equally here as me.

We only dream and wish and hope due to the inherent realization that there is something wrong and instead of finding the strength to create a solution, we retreat and believe that we’re not strong enough to solve this. Yet, we’ve been strong enough to perpetuate it for this long.

 

I require every human being to have the ability to see that we’ve been divided and conquered for all time, getting lost in translations, in space and time – fighting wars that don’t even have an actual cause or reason to be. . .

Fearing death from the moment we are birthed we’re bound to this world we write in. Because we’re going nowhere, I rather set myself free while here – because freedom doesn’t exist, I create it. Because actual caring and support doesn’t exist, I stand as that care and support myself. Because I’ve got to be the change that I want to see in the world in consideration of what’s best for All as Life, will be born.

septiembre 09, 2011

Self Projected Irritation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify backchat and judging another as my way of justifying why I complain about things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat in relation to another and justify it as my own right to complain and point out the flaws in another without first stopping the emotional reaction and then direct the point specifically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate backchat in the mind and suppress it instead of writing it out for myself and clarifying my stance towards that person to not react but actually stop and direct. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for ‘how I am experiencing myself’ instead of realizing that it is only my own reactions that I’ve created and that I’ve got to take self responsibility for instead of exerting all on to another.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project blame and spitefulness towards another instead of first taking self responsibility for myself due to not realizing it’s not about ‘them’ but myself at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide/suppress myself behind a situation and projecting it to another instead of looking at myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of irritation towards another instead of actually realizing it’s all about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own mind and bullshit on to another without realizing that it’s my own irritation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated with myself due to my own inability to deliver myself to the standards that I’ve got.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate irritation towards myself due to an accumulation of not taking responsibility for completing tasks then existing within a mind lag that I’m using to project to another instead of directing it within myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be irritated with a specific person due to the ‘bond’ that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create instead of realizing that it’s not at all about the other person but about my own suppression and fears as wanting to blame another for HOW I am experiencing myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take all points back to myself regardless of the justifications that I may make up in my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be forgetful of taking it all back to myself instead of playing out self righteousness to justify why I am irritated/ angry towards another, which is in fact nothing else but irritated towards myself.

abril 30, 2011

Dream: Dying on Fire–Self Forgiveness on Fear of Dying in flames

So I had a very awkward dream wherein I would start catching on fire – I would suddenly start smelling something was on fire, clearly burning and I then realized it was me starting to burn. This entire scenario was kind of hectic as there was a lot going on, it didn’t seem I was in an unknown place, it was more like being in my house yet I faced this point of starting to get burned, this was facing myself within death again.

 

I’ve had previous dreams of dying, one of them I simply accepted as it was in a car crash and I simply breathed and knew that was going to be IT – yet, dying catching myself on fire wasn’t precisely an easy one go through. I experienced fear, panic  - I saw myself within the dream really horrified and I could feel myself burning completely, it wasn’t cool at all. I woke up from that dream and I realized that I was in my house, and that I wasn’t burning – yet I heard a lot of noise and still wondered if there was something ‘on fire’ in the kitchen – meaning, I woke up still afraid and still participating in what had been going on in the dream. I usually immediately turn on my bed lamp when this type of dreams come on, as I had an entire history of being afraid of the dark – lol right now everything is pitch dark except for this screen as the light is out in the entire neighborhood – and the moment I turned on the lamp it simply didn’t go on! it seemed as if it had burned out – later on I found it had only been a bit unscrewed which was weird but anyways – I went back to sleep yet found myself feeling ‘defeated’ by the amount of fear and horror I experienced while feeling myself being burned alive, like igniting myself – kind of how instant combustion would be like, I experienced that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying on fire

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being caught up in flames

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself being in panic, horror and ultimate desperation due to seeing myself being caught on fire

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying in flames

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying while existing in extreme heat

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define dying in flames as dying in the utmost terror and horrific way I could ever experience

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘defeated’ the moment that I gave into fear and desperation due to seeing myself dying while being burned alive

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in petrification the moment I saw myself dying in flames.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now fear dying on a fire due to the experience I had in my dream

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear now having to go through the experience of dying being caught on fire due to the extent of fear and desperation I experienced in my dream, so that now I can ‘transcend’ my fear.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I simply have to walk through death the moment it comes, not giving into fear and resistance and horror, but realizing it’s the last moments wherein I simply have to breathe and let go.

 

marzo 17, 2011

Beauty and looove

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deem kissing as a beautiful expression of love

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to pity others that didn't have the oportunity to have a relationship of 'love'
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that such 'love'w as never real and that kissing another has nothing to do with 'love' itself, but is only a physical encounter with another one and equal experiencing the physical here as ourselves.
Nothing more, nothing less. I stop living in a delusion of the ideal of 'love' that doesn't exist HERE as myself as the physical as the breath of life that I am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having existed in FEAR of losing any partner out of fear of losing 'love' which was never real in fact.
We only exist in the moment as the breath of life wherein nothing can be lost
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confused

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not being directing myself effectively therefore, being 'uncertain' when that uncertainty isn't even real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become quite silent lately and thinking it is a 'bad thing' not realizing it could actually be the beginning of the change

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that losing meaning on art is a shame not realizing that it is actually part of process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain myself whenever Am is around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having her as my enemy now

i forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crate all this in my head, in my thoughts instead of stopping and just being here unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the 'I dont' give a fuck attitude' towards amanda and her current life situation not realizing I am her as well though I realize I cannot do anything for her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be a 'mother' to people in ways of speaking and caring about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take that role as being the one that 'cares' instead of just being equal with no desire to protect or be nice to someone

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel left out at times because of me not participating anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepte dan dallowed myself to feel the dullness of having to go to school at themoment yikes.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to do things with disgust .

febrero 26, 2011

Mouse in my dream

I just remembered that the night before last night I had a dream wherein I actually ended up kind of screaming and waking up when seeing a mouse in the dream kind of jumping towards me – which is fascinating because it reveals that I am still a bit freaked out by rodents such as mice for example thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear mice and react within my dream towards these rodents that are basically revealing to me that I haven’t yet let go of the fears that I have created towards them in separation of myself here

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply scream in the dream and eventually wake me up when being taken over by a fright and thus being overridden by the image of the mouse in my dream which I immediately reacted to in fear and eventually ‘escaping’ the point of confronting this fear of mine

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be taken over by a fear and scream/shout about it instead of calming myself down in breath to not go into immediate reaction and ‘taking the easy way out’ within the dream..

 

I also dreamed of my family, being taken over by the same nagging thoughts of how they were looking for some fancy dresses or some kind for some occasion and I would be like yawning and just wanting to leave the scene while actually being looking for Sunette in the dream which is an indication of where I am still reacting to the entire ‘play out’ that my family represents – which had been present the past days – and how in the dream I was seeking Sunette and even finding look-alike people but it wasn’t her so it could be a point to look at in relation to seeking a point of separation when being with my family, a point of resort, a point I can ‘run to’ when I see myself as an ‘alien’ within my family construct -

This point I’ll explore further – thanks

febrero 01, 2011

Embracing the artist-title thingy

I Stop the useless separation I had created towards being an artist – I realize that within that single ‘holding on to’ point I am actually giving the whole thing more importance as a point of self definition thus I stop – I embrace the point within the effectiveness it can/may bring in terms of position/status within the system as a profession. That’s about it.

I do not allow myself to exist in conflict anymore as that implies self-judgment that simply complicates things unnecessarily.

 

I embrace myself here

Resonant rejection

So as I explained earlier I’m back in Mexico City and now there’s been a change of people living here and now I’m having two couples living here meaning one of the girls moved out for this semester and the girlfriend of the other guy is here so lol I just realized now as I saw the one couple in the kitchen and the other going to school.

 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my inner experience according to the environment and thus considering it ‘awkward’ to be living amongst couples wherein I am the one that stands alone and thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and in this considering myself as ‘alone’ without realizing that everyone is alone, that I shouldn’t be affected at all by living amongst couples and that I should not allow myself to go into further thinking about it.

 

Now, there’s been interesting points emerging as I was kind of ‘glad’ that this girl moved out because she’d been the one I had the most friction with and so also with her bf, I wrote about him and I thought everything was ‘fine’ as I saw him and greeted him and just as ‘normal’ yet the back-chat came up yet again this morning when I saw that he stood here in this house – even though his gf wasn’t here –wtf – and so I was like no way! wtf is he doing here!! and just going into the same mind possession around him being here, disliking his presence, not wanting him to use this house as a hotel -

 

So I’ll open up this point as I see it is required – right here

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the backchat again with regards to A being here in this house because I ‘am annoyed by his presence’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am projecting myself on to him as something that exists within me and that I haven’t yet fully allowed myself to forgive myself for to finally stop reacting the moment I see him.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want him to leave immediately simply because of him using this house to his own convenience to sleep here and thus not having to go to his house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out of memory as holding still a grudge towards him for some reason that I am not even able to pin point at the moment wherein I have allowed myself to simply despise him for no apparent reason.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see him as having ‘heavy blood’ as that’s how we define people that we ‘can’t stand with no apparent reason’ -

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dare to judge this being and acting out of a a resonant incompatibility as something that isn’t allowing me to treat him as an equal -

 

As I’ve explained this is the one person in my world that I created huge resistance towards and tried getting ‘to the point’ of it with no actual point of self realization – self forgiveness wasn’t sufficient or effective enough to actually get to the point, otherwise the back chat would’ve ended and that hasn’t happened yet so…. here I am.

enero 28, 2011

Anxiety when going back to school

Going back to school

I tend to get a certain anxiety when going back to school - when ‘knowing’ that I am going back to school

So, what can I do to support myself. 

1. Realizing that by me ‘worrying’ and getting into ‘anxiety’ I am Not supporting myself and I am simply thus only existing in a mind-pattern here that is irrelevant to the actual moment of going to school 

2. I realize that the anxiety comes from having to go back to living with others and thus getting used to living with other beings which is just simply cool to be back in facing myself 

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety the moment I realize I’ll have to get to clean lots so that I can live there properly

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety when realizing that I haven’t done research on the project that I have to walk and finish this semester. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate this entire event for myself creating this unnecessary friction inside me 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety when realizing that I have to go back to school on monday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an energetic rush when realizing that I will be having to go back to mexico city without realizing that it is in fact just getting used to the point again and that's it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike the idea of having to go through school again because that implies having to get back to homework and working etc - without realizing that I can actually support myself to walk through the point, just through like someone surfing inside a tidal wave and get it done - simple as that. 

“Yes - it’s to see it through, walk it through into its completion that it’s a point in your world that’s done”

Yes it’s simply a point to walk-through, get it done, complete it as it is me facing my point of self-responsibility and that is simply IT. 

Okay I breathe and simply get things ready and realize that every time I go into this anxiety, it’s never actually ‘real’ once I am there and moving myself - nothing to worry or over-complicate the experience about. 

 

I face my reality as it is and stop deluding myself in the mind worrying unnecessarily about points that I can direct effectively as myself when simply walking through it when it’s actually HERE.

enero 25, 2011

Crimes against life -

My sister is pregnant and I’ve mentioned before how it is that I’ve become angry at times due to listening how she expresses herself about other beings, literally judging them without any mercy, speaking shit literally while having it all in a fucking golden platter -

She’s so used to judging others, she’s definitely used to never realize or even question how she’s accepted and allowed herself to become that mouth of hers. And my mother follows that trend, or my mother is the one that ‘gave birth’ to it all as acceptable – this is anger that comes up because I see how acceptable it became to gossip about others, toj judge others, to think that one is ‘right’ and everyone else is wrong, to never realize that any judgment is Self Judgment – that everything that we say and speak is essentially OURSELVES and no one else -  this is the actual realization that’s not considered, I couldn’t help but react in anger the moment that she started speaking bullshit and I simply said ‘Can you please just STOP’ You are bearing a new life in your womb and see the shit you’re speaking, have respect for new innocent life and I noticed I could’ve just burst in tears in that moment – but then contained it – it is so fucking unfair children being born in the body of selfish human beings – and this is talking about ALL human beings not only my sister which in this case I have no special ‘regard’ for her being my sister at all, it’s just another woman that is living in a mind bubble where she wants things done ‘her way’, where she wears a sugar coat while talking behind others -

 

Now this is me talking shit about my sister and this is what needs to be stopped, because I can’t change her, because I can’t prevent her child from having to listen her cursing about others, because I can’t prevent her children from having it all and disregarding the mere possibility of people suffering in this world – because I cannot victimize her either, nor victimize my sister or myself, we are ALL responsible for this and within that we have to ALL come clean first within ourselves.

 

So, here it is because I still reacted to it – in essence it’s the similar way  I reacted once before when listening her talking shit – it’s common sense I mean, would I then exist as a fucking martyr crying all around the world every moment I hear a mother criticizing and judging and talking shit about other beings while bearing new life inside her? No! it’s simply what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire this new child of hers to create havoc in my sister’s life so that she can reconsider her life

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the secret mind as nasty as that is what is actually existent within me as my mind

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be come infuriated when listening my sister talking shit just because she’s pregnant and how I accepted and allowed the same point previously without ever questioning it – doing it myself as well without ever actually stopping myself even though something would not feel ‘okay’ within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a grudge today towards my sister when seeing her and regarding her as hypocrite – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to form opinions upon others based on past and memories as judgments that I held on to that next point of seeing them again

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at my sister which in essence is becoming angry with myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in such self judgment towards people, towards life, towards everything that is here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as self judgment the moment I judge others for them judging others and thus not stopping the self-judgment chain reaction, but instead participate in it allowing it to direct me to become angry at myself, angry at my sister and essentially angry at the world without really seeing in the moment that my anger or tears won’t make a solution for her to change, but that it will have to be part of her realizing her own points when the moment comes for everyone to face what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become as the manifested consequences of everything we’ve created as ourselves here.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger in one single moment which in fact is simply the accumulation of anger at myself for existing within the belief that ‘I am not doing enough’ to create a change in this world, wherein I get to feel ‘powerless’ and thus give into self-defeat as seeing the world and every situation around me as ‘too much to bear’ wherein we then give into despair as thinking ‘there is no solution’ when in fact, we are the solution and we have to walk and live as the solution to no longer accept and allow ourselves to exist within these type of chain reactions that serve no life at all.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use anger as a way to manipulate the situation to not hear them going on ranting about another person that isn’t present – within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be driven by anger in the moment when I spoke myself up and then going into immediate sadness when creating the image/idea of ‘innocent life being born into this world’ which is simply me reflecting my own sadness existent as a judgment upon this world wherein I tend to give-into and eventually tend to blame others without seeing that I am the source and cause of everything I experience and thus essentially seeing that this isn’t about my sister, this is about myself, this is about me realizing what we’ve accepted and allowed as ourselves within this world

 

I stop the separation that I create within my mind as ‘other people’ without considering that I can only abuse myself, I can only spite myself, I can only criticize myself, I can only talk shit about myself and thus simply experiencing the outflows of what we’ve all co-created as this world.

 

What will it take for it to change then has to be re-written as what will we Do to make a change, what will we live as to start living the change.

Giving thought and energy to these points is simply an opportunity that I create so that I can exert my anger which in this case I had ‘saved’ from last time that I also reacted and thus falling in the point of walking in Self Forgiveness the moment I saw my sister again, and seeing her widely pregnant and then hearing her expression which triggered the exact same reaction as last time and the same judgments which Imply that I didn’t forgive myself from it, that I didn’t take self responsibility into taking that experience back to myself and only now having to loop again to face the exact same point.

 

I stop the reactions in the moment, in any given situation as I see and understand that my reactions won’t change a thing, they won’t create an immediate change for that which I am reacting about – we have to stop the entire cycles that we perpetuate even when thinking that we are doing ‘something good’ towards an event/situation just as I thought that by shutting them up I could be actually ‘doing something good’ for the sake of the newborn inside her womb. That’s simply not it and thus I must focus in living and walking Self Forgiveness no matter what I see, no matter what I have to witness because it is a common source of anger I see, it is a common point of frustration by seeing myself as incapable of changing the moment – I can’t change them, I can’t change the moment, I only have that moment to change myself.

 

At least I did stop myself when I noticed I was getting into a sentimental area – and so I breathed and let go but noticed the energy had compounded and kind of stuck into one single point in my head – So I support myself, I breathe to let go of this point, to stop keeping that grudge towards my sister and to simply be able to point out things without going into yet another reaction that adds up to the initial reaction that she was already playing out within the entire situation.

 

I can only focus on myself and support myself for now, to stop myself from adding up to the cycles of self-abuse, the cycles of spitefulness towards life, of separation, of disregard of another as an Equal in all ways.

Self Forgiveness on “Reserved “

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect myself as the mind from going deeper into the thoughts that seemingly suddenly arrive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to follow the pattern of being ‘reserved’ which is in essence a defense and hiding mechanism to not see that I am actually ‘reserving’ my mind only for myself instead of exposing it as part of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this ‘reserved’ idea of myself and thinking that what I am experiencing or thinking is ‘not relevant’ and not really ‘supportive’ to share – when it is in fact me as my mind simply covering up the actual opening of myself within allowing myself to see what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully open myself up in means of preserving an idea of myself within following the idea of not wanting to share ‘stuff that I’ve said/shared before’ which is me defining me according to what I’ve written/spoken/shared about which is a common point we tend to use to not dare to open the point yet again

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘there isn’t much going on that I can share in a more personal way’ due to experiencing my life to be rather plain at the moment -

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a single frame of mind wherein I do not give importance to opening up the slightest movements wherein reading, watching, sharing, speaking and writing in terms of communicating with anyone and this world equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear sharing myself openly in terms of these seemingly insignificant movements that are in fact keypoints to explore and open up for me to reveal to myself what is it that I’m still holding on to as the idea of myself.

 

I stand and share myself unconditionally as that is what we are here for, to expose, reveal and share ourselves no matter what.

STOPPING THE LIE - My Visit to the Desteni Farm... "Yes You can"

STOPPING THE LIE - My Visit to the Desteni Farm... "Yes You can"