enero 25, 2011

Crimes against life -

My sister is pregnant and I’ve mentioned before how it is that I’ve become angry at times due to listening how she expresses herself about other beings, literally judging them without any mercy, speaking shit literally while having it all in a fucking golden platter -

She’s so used to judging others, she’s definitely used to never realize or even question how she’s accepted and allowed herself to become that mouth of hers. And my mother follows that trend, or my mother is the one that ‘gave birth’ to it all as acceptable – this is anger that comes up because I see how acceptable it became to gossip about others, toj judge others, to think that one is ‘right’ and everyone else is wrong, to never realize that any judgment is Self Judgment – that everything that we say and speak is essentially OURSELVES and no one else -  this is the actual realization that’s not considered, I couldn’t help but react in anger the moment that she started speaking bullshit and I simply said ‘Can you please just STOP’ You are bearing a new life in your womb and see the shit you’re speaking, have respect for new innocent life and I noticed I could’ve just burst in tears in that moment – but then contained it – it is so fucking unfair children being born in the body of selfish human beings – and this is talking about ALL human beings not only my sister which in this case I have no special ‘regard’ for her being my sister at all, it’s just another woman that is living in a mind bubble where she wants things done ‘her way’, where she wears a sugar coat while talking behind others -

 

Now this is me talking shit about my sister and this is what needs to be stopped, because I can’t change her, because I can’t prevent her child from having to listen her cursing about others, because I can’t prevent her children from having it all and disregarding the mere possibility of people suffering in this world – because I cannot victimize her either, nor victimize my sister or myself, we are ALL responsible for this and within that we have to ALL come clean first within ourselves.

 

So, here it is because I still reacted to it – in essence it’s the similar way  I reacted once before when listening her talking shit – it’s common sense I mean, would I then exist as a fucking martyr crying all around the world every moment I hear a mother criticizing and judging and talking shit about other beings while bearing new life inside her? No! it’s simply what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire this new child of hers to create havoc in my sister’s life so that she can reconsider her life

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the secret mind as nasty as that is what is actually existent within me as my mind

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be come infuriated when listening my sister talking shit just because she’s pregnant and how I accepted and allowed the same point previously without ever questioning it – doing it myself as well without ever actually stopping myself even though something would not feel ‘okay’ within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a grudge today towards my sister when seeing her and regarding her as hypocrite – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to form opinions upon others based on past and memories as judgments that I held on to that next point of seeing them again

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at my sister which in essence is becoming angry with myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in such self judgment towards people, towards life, towards everything that is here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as self judgment the moment I judge others for them judging others and thus not stopping the self-judgment chain reaction, but instead participate in it allowing it to direct me to become angry at myself, angry at my sister and essentially angry at the world without really seeing in the moment that my anger or tears won’t make a solution for her to change, but that it will have to be part of her realizing her own points when the moment comes for everyone to face what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become as the manifested consequences of everything we’ve created as ourselves here.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger in one single moment which in fact is simply the accumulation of anger at myself for existing within the belief that ‘I am not doing enough’ to create a change in this world, wherein I get to feel ‘powerless’ and thus give into self-defeat as seeing the world and every situation around me as ‘too much to bear’ wherein we then give into despair as thinking ‘there is no solution’ when in fact, we are the solution and we have to walk and live as the solution to no longer accept and allow ourselves to exist within these type of chain reactions that serve no life at all.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use anger as a way to manipulate the situation to not hear them going on ranting about another person that isn’t present – within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be driven by anger in the moment when I spoke myself up and then going into immediate sadness when creating the image/idea of ‘innocent life being born into this world’ which is simply me reflecting my own sadness existent as a judgment upon this world wherein I tend to give-into and eventually tend to blame others without seeing that I am the source and cause of everything I experience and thus essentially seeing that this isn’t about my sister, this is about myself, this is about me realizing what we’ve accepted and allowed as ourselves within this world

 

I stop the separation that I create within my mind as ‘other people’ without considering that I can only abuse myself, I can only spite myself, I can only criticize myself, I can only talk shit about myself and thus simply experiencing the outflows of what we’ve all co-created as this world.

 

What will it take for it to change then has to be re-written as what will we Do to make a change, what will we live as to start living the change.

Giving thought and energy to these points is simply an opportunity that I create so that I can exert my anger which in this case I had ‘saved’ from last time that I also reacted and thus falling in the point of walking in Self Forgiveness the moment I saw my sister again, and seeing her widely pregnant and then hearing her expression which triggered the exact same reaction as last time and the same judgments which Imply that I didn’t forgive myself from it, that I didn’t take self responsibility into taking that experience back to myself and only now having to loop again to face the exact same point.

 

I stop the reactions in the moment, in any given situation as I see and understand that my reactions won’t change a thing, they won’t create an immediate change for that which I am reacting about – we have to stop the entire cycles that we perpetuate even when thinking that we are doing ‘something good’ towards an event/situation just as I thought that by shutting them up I could be actually ‘doing something good’ for the sake of the newborn inside her womb. That’s simply not it and thus I must focus in living and walking Self Forgiveness no matter what I see, no matter what I have to witness because it is a common source of anger I see, it is a common point of frustration by seeing myself as incapable of changing the moment – I can’t change them, I can’t change the moment, I only have that moment to change myself.

 

At least I did stop myself when I noticed I was getting into a sentimental area – and so I breathed and let go but noticed the energy had compounded and kind of stuck into one single point in my head – So I support myself, I breathe to let go of this point, to stop keeping that grudge towards my sister and to simply be able to point out things without going into yet another reaction that adds up to the initial reaction that she was already playing out within the entire situation.

 

I can only focus on myself and support myself for now, to stop myself from adding up to the cycles of self-abuse, the cycles of spitefulness towards life, of separation, of disregard of another as an Equal in all ways.

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