febrero 26, 2011

Mouse in my dream

I just remembered that the night before last night I had a dream wherein I actually ended up kind of screaming and waking up when seeing a mouse in the dream kind of jumping towards me – which is fascinating because it reveals that I am still a bit freaked out by rodents such as mice for example thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear mice and react within my dream towards these rodents that are basically revealing to me that I haven’t yet let go of the fears that I have created towards them in separation of myself here

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply scream in the dream and eventually wake me up when being taken over by a fright and thus being overridden by the image of the mouse in my dream which I immediately reacted to in fear and eventually ‘escaping’ the point of confronting this fear of mine

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be taken over by a fear and scream/shout about it instead of calming myself down in breath to not go into immediate reaction and ‘taking the easy way out’ within the dream..

 

I also dreamed of my family, being taken over by the same nagging thoughts of how they were looking for some fancy dresses or some kind for some occasion and I would be like yawning and just wanting to leave the scene while actually being looking for Sunette in the dream which is an indication of where I am still reacting to the entire ‘play out’ that my family represents – which had been present the past days – and how in the dream I was seeking Sunette and even finding look-alike people but it wasn’t her so it could be a point to look at in relation to seeking a point of separation when being with my family, a point of resort, a point I can ‘run to’ when I see myself as an ‘alien’ within my family construct -

This point I’ll explore further – thanks

febrero 01, 2011

Embracing the artist-title thingy

I Stop the useless separation I had created towards being an artist – I realize that within that single ‘holding on to’ point I am actually giving the whole thing more importance as a point of self definition thus I stop – I embrace the point within the effectiveness it can/may bring in terms of position/status within the system as a profession. That’s about it.

I do not allow myself to exist in conflict anymore as that implies self-judgment that simply complicates things unnecessarily.

 

I embrace myself here

Resonant rejection

So as I explained earlier I’m back in Mexico City and now there’s been a change of people living here and now I’m having two couples living here meaning one of the girls moved out for this semester and the girlfriend of the other guy is here so lol I just realized now as I saw the one couple in the kitchen and the other going to school.

 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my inner experience according to the environment and thus considering it ‘awkward’ to be living amongst couples wherein I am the one that stands alone and thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and in this considering myself as ‘alone’ without realizing that everyone is alone, that I shouldn’t be affected at all by living amongst couples and that I should not allow myself to go into further thinking about it.

 

Now, there’s been interesting points emerging as I was kind of ‘glad’ that this girl moved out because she’d been the one I had the most friction with and so also with her bf, I wrote about him and I thought everything was ‘fine’ as I saw him and greeted him and just as ‘normal’ yet the back-chat came up yet again this morning when I saw that he stood here in this house – even though his gf wasn’t here –wtf – and so I was like no way! wtf is he doing here!! and just going into the same mind possession around him being here, disliking his presence, not wanting him to use this house as a hotel -

 

So I’ll open up this point as I see it is required – right here

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the backchat again with regards to A being here in this house because I ‘am annoyed by his presence’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am projecting myself on to him as something that exists within me and that I haven’t yet fully allowed myself to forgive myself for to finally stop reacting the moment I see him.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want him to leave immediately simply because of him using this house to his own convenience to sleep here and thus not having to go to his house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out of memory as holding still a grudge towards him for some reason that I am not even able to pin point at the moment wherein I have allowed myself to simply despise him for no apparent reason.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see him as having ‘heavy blood’ as that’s how we define people that we ‘can’t stand with no apparent reason’ -

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dare to judge this being and acting out of a a resonant incompatibility as something that isn’t allowing me to treat him as an equal -

 

As I’ve explained this is the one person in my world that I created huge resistance towards and tried getting ‘to the point’ of it with no actual point of self realization – self forgiveness wasn’t sufficient or effective enough to actually get to the point, otherwise the back chat would’ve ended and that hasn’t happened yet so…. here I am.