febrero 01, 2011

Resonant rejection

So as I explained earlier I’m back in Mexico City and now there’s been a change of people living here and now I’m having two couples living here meaning one of the girls moved out for this semester and the girlfriend of the other guy is here so lol I just realized now as I saw the one couple in the kitchen and the other going to school.

 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my inner experience according to the environment and thus considering it ‘awkward’ to be living amongst couples wherein I am the one that stands alone and thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and in this considering myself as ‘alone’ without realizing that everyone is alone, that I shouldn’t be affected at all by living amongst couples and that I should not allow myself to go into further thinking about it.

 

Now, there’s been interesting points emerging as I was kind of ‘glad’ that this girl moved out because she’d been the one I had the most friction with and so also with her bf, I wrote about him and I thought everything was ‘fine’ as I saw him and greeted him and just as ‘normal’ yet the back-chat came up yet again this morning when I saw that he stood here in this house – even though his gf wasn’t here –wtf – and so I was like no way! wtf is he doing here!! and just going into the same mind possession around him being here, disliking his presence, not wanting him to use this house as a hotel -

 

So I’ll open up this point as I see it is required – right here

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the backchat again with regards to A being here in this house because I ‘am annoyed by his presence’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am projecting myself on to him as something that exists within me and that I haven’t yet fully allowed myself to forgive myself for to finally stop reacting the moment I see him.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want him to leave immediately simply because of him using this house to his own convenience to sleep here and thus not having to go to his house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out of memory as holding still a grudge towards him for some reason that I am not even able to pin point at the moment wherein I have allowed myself to simply despise him for no apparent reason.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see him as having ‘heavy blood’ as that’s how we define people that we ‘can’t stand with no apparent reason’ -

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dare to judge this being and acting out of a a resonant incompatibility as something that isn’t allowing me to treat him as an equal -

 

As I’ve explained this is the one person in my world that I created huge resistance towards and tried getting ‘to the point’ of it with no actual point of self realization – self forgiveness wasn’t sufficient or effective enough to actually get to the point, otherwise the back chat would’ve ended and that hasn’t happened yet so…. here I am.

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