septiembre 12, 2011

frazzled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require a reason to write

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience such ‘writer’s block’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I require that ‘push’ that I’ve gotten on the past weeks to write

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on someone’s writings to write as a form of stimulation to write

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I require to be efficient only when writing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write from the starting point of wanting to create a ‘greater impact’ on others which is the separate from expressing myself here and instead, going into an ideal of how I must write.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes miss the point of what is it that we are actually doing here writing and sharing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes see this as a chaotic dream that I wish I could wake up from.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that such thing would be a ‘nice thing to experience’ which could only be an experience, ready to fade away.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other beings around my age who are ‘making it’ in the world and having great jobs and money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I’ve wasted my time

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still hold desires in the back of my head to do music

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could be ‘happy’ if I was in a band

 

I know this all sounds ‘out of nowhere’ but I had designed myself in the way of first trying to be a writer, if that didn’t work then I’d be an artist – or artist came first, doesn’t matter – yet the least likely option was my third option and the one that I would consider more dream-like which was being in a band. I find myself fascinated once again by this point, just my mind trying to create of this some apparent ‘great’ things that I could aspire to.

 

Sometimes I give myself some time to just wander around music videos and be ‘distracted’ or some ‘diversion’ from the points that are my main focus in my life… it always feels kind of ‘icky’ stepping down from the bubble of watching music videos and interviews with artists and so forth… this is one of the reasons why I don’t watch many movies nowadays.

 

I’ve got much to say but sometimes I keep my mouth shot.

I’d like to talk at at times yet there’s no one to talk to face to face.

We deal with human kind and everyone’s just willing to accept their nature as it is, I am challenging it and by doing this it’s inevitable to get to these points wherein I’d like to just press the ESC button and run away from it all – I can’t, no one can and so I instead stop making a fuzz about this and get myself back on track.

 

I can only dwindle myself in these thoughts.

I never understood poetry, I always wanted to write it though. I tried hard wanting to understand it, lol – to no avail. I liked reading the beatnik poetry like desolated angels by Jack Kerouac, I fell asleep while reading it in front of the sea, it was like going out of my body with the sound of the waves and being completely gone for a good half an hour, a sleep so deep that I would’ve thought I had died there.

There is No Wow in this reality anymore, everything has been said and done and as humanity, we’re only demolishing the remains of that which we ever built in the name of our enlarged egos.

I had some memories popping up today,  like when my ex. partner/man found me in a concert and I was completely gone, he was so shocked and I was so high I couldn’t keep my eyes fully open. I forgave myself for that memory and the shame that came with it, it was a sonic youth concert. I drank grape juice to get some sugar and my blood back on track.

 

I am 25 years old, I’ve gone through some relationships in my life, most of which my mother has never found out, I’ve done things that probably I wouldn’t have ever expected myself to do, but I’m certainly being/doing that which I would’ve never ever imagined myself doing, so hooray for that as I am breaking my preprogrammed slant. 

 

Re-birth.

 

Does this made any sense? does it have any connection? It did in my mind, now it’s out here for me to see and read how it is that one can go down and low for the sake of some clarity on the tight rope.

When things in this world stop making sense, it’s hard to keep you in the sane lane – yet what is sane for myself can mean being dead for another – no feeling, no emotion, no thinking, just breathing and walking the world that we’ve disturbed.

How could I ever do this to myself?’

‘How on Earth have I accepted this to happen and continue happening in this world?’

When one finds madness one can only direct oneself to clarity – Nothing can fix what is done, only I can forgive myself for all that I’ve done, for all that I’ve allowed and for all that to which I am bound as I’ve fallen to the ground and begin to crawl again like a newborn, back to innocence without knowledge, fears or pretensions and can only express and live here –

I stop the futile creations of desires in my mind, of a life that I never had and never will, I stop and look to see fellow human beings that have no time to dream, because they’ve got no roof over their head, they’ve got no toilet to shit, they’ve got no cool water to drink. I stop all my futile dreams as I can dream only because money has allowed me to do so, I like what I like only because of the lifestyle that money has created for me.

I haven’t placed myself in the shoes of another, I wouldn’t be ‘alright’ knowing that being a starving child doesn’t even have a shoe to walk upon and eats grass in the desperation and craving for food that we have collectively agreed to deny.

 

If humanity has been the ‘evil’ in this world, humanity must redeem itself to each other and every other sentient living being Here.

There is no other way but to Forgive Ourselves, to stop the sorrow and the pain and instead focus on what is here to be made.

When fellow beings can’t listen, it just means they are still trapped in the mind delusions, they haven’t taken the choice to breakthrough their fears, it’s only ‘normal’, it’s part of the game. And as desires, hopes and dreams fail, humanity will turn to seek an answer while it was always here in each one of us: to consider life in Equality because I can only see that it is until then that I could allow myself to dream again as my dreams will only be a re-creation that cannot separate me from myself here, as all will be fulfilled, as all will be equally here as me.

We only dream and wish and hope due to the inherent realization that there is something wrong and instead of finding the strength to create a solution, we retreat and believe that we’re not strong enough to solve this. Yet, we’ve been strong enough to perpetuate it for this long.

 

I require every human being to have the ability to see that we’ve been divided and conquered for all time, getting lost in translations, in space and time – fighting wars that don’t even have an actual cause or reason to be. . .

Fearing death from the moment we are birthed we’re bound to this world we write in. Because we’re going nowhere, I rather set myself free while here – because freedom doesn’t exist, I create it. Because actual caring and support doesn’t exist, I stand as that care and support myself. Because I’ve got to be the change that I want to see in the world in consideration of what’s best for All as Life, will be born.

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