octubre 23, 2011

Drifting off

I don’t mean to expand too much on this but it’s plain to see that when something’s ‘going on’ within me I tend to drift off and indulging into trivial stuff like spending time looking at my old records or books, specially when coming to my parents house as walls have some of my stuff and there’s all my past stash of whatever I used to build my personality with. Same with eating more as there’s just a vastness of everything which I don’t usually have so, I have to moderate that.

 

But also in terms of sleeping and other seemingly ‘unimportant’ events, like because I was completely alone leaving my bed undone, that’s like an actual indication of uh oh there is something going on. Same with falling asleep at times and then ending up wasting my time or whatever it is to waste your time.

 

So I forgive my self that I have accepted and allowed myself for dragging this long tail of ‘moments lost’ while I indulged into some form of diversion from what is here to get done.

See, having responsibilities is something that changes your life and I’m glad I have them but sometimes my free-willer vein shows up and I end up just wanting to form these ‘fleeting moments’ for myself wherein I can apparently ‘do stuff that I want to do’ as if I was chained or limited by something or someone – I’m not, it’s only myself and the policeman in the head doing that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still hold on to this ‘free will’ side of myself wherein I’d like to be ‘doing that which I used to do’ which was painting, music, going out for endless chats with people about life and death and pretending to be ‘getting somewhere’ within that. So, I still can do that yet there’s an obvious sense of self responsibility that can’t simply be scratched off now, so that’s how one’s life changes from that perspective. I’m glad though because I’ve given my self a purpose to live and if it wasn’t for this, fuck knows where and what I’d be doing.

Part of the cool things of writing ourselves to freedom is that I can publish it for the sake of leaving the stuff out of my head into words and open for the world to see because it is only through doing this that it loses its secret-mind attribute and I expose myself for what I tend to indulge in at times which ranges from news on the tv and music… either concerts, interviews etc.  Though all of it is just part of how I create a moment to divert my attention on purpose which I consider is also required.

I went downtown yesterday and I perceived I saw an old friend, well he was my ‘best friend’ for some years to the point of spending our entire weekends together talking about depression while flirting with suicidal thoughts. He was sitting on a bench, writing as always and I just passed on by. I mean this says it all with regards to how people in our past, those ‘blood brothers’ that we thought we were and would remain together for the remainder of our lives become nothing else but people that we pass on by without saying hi or anything because there is nothing to speak about – past is dead and we move on. I had no further reactions to it. As time progress I see that all the emotional attachment is able to be shed off and thus we remain and exist in a lighter version of ourselves, not having to drag our personal history around to have a sense of ‘who we are’.

I observed how people ‘have fun’ and it’s all related to an experience. It’s interesting but once we realize such experiences I can  have my experience of the day just going outside for a walk and enjoying looking at the birds and breathing the fresh air while watching the tonalities that this particular season creates on the trees and plants. I know I have kept these images as this vault in my head that kind of pops up whenever the mind wants some attention. When I wasn’t here such images of me walking in this place would come up and so I realized how much we’ve formed ourselves around places and images and even seasons and the experience thereof.

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So I can say I see my life as pretty plain and yes this is a line by Blind Melon in that no rain song. I realize it won’t always be this way but it doesn’t bother me either. I’m even more ‘secluded’ when in Mexico city as I only move around a certain area of the place I live in, it doesn’t’ bother me either, I enjoy the familiarity created around that area even if it’s not the nicest area to live in.

 

It’s kind of hard letting go of the comfort and luxuries here in this house, but I’ve seen how it only takes a day or two to get used to the other place – really, that’s how the mind works and so, I rather focus on the physical reality, focus on what I have to get done because otherwise I drift away too much without actually directing myself effectively which then compounds as this build ups of frustrations and self-irritation that I obviously have created.

 

Letting go of this world that song was made by some faithfully deceived but I got it from bernard once in our mail and I got stuck to it for the simplicity and amateur taste to it, such a simple tune and mostly focusing on the title, let go of everything that is here, that’s basically what we’ve learned at Desteni and it’s fascinating how after all of these years, my mind still drifts off into the same bs wherein I end up making some type of artistic moment of it. Maybe I simply shouldn’t judge it, call it contemplation or waste of time but I probably also require to give myself some time to just stop being ‘doing something’ all the time which is my usual way of existing… when not drifting off of course lol.

 

Okay. So – this is it. I enjoyed coming here and getting out of the usual routine as well as using a big screen as monitor lol oh and listening to music and playing some guitar.

That was the weekend.

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