octubre 13, 2011

First 10 years of my life

I was born in a central city of México, 2 hours away from México City – a city that was founded early on in the colonial stages of Mexico –great baroque architecture downtown yet grew up in a ‘then’ relative new areas in the south of the city across from the state’s university.

I was born into a family of 4 already – I’m the youngest of three daughters to a relative young marriage – my mother was only 30 when she had me – and at the moment, I can only go as far back as 3 years old of age.

I was a happy spoiled child, I had all the attention from my sisters and parents – I had what one could consider a happy early childhood as I’d enjoy being at home just playing with dolls and having fun with my ‘nanny’ who was the girl that would also help with the general household. She was quite young and we had lots of fun that I remember, she was really brave when coming to the toilette and I’d ask her to please clean me. Lol.

I grew up listening to lost of music as my father is quite the music lover, my sisters would love to also sing and dance to their favorite pop singers’ songs and my parents would record it all –we’ve got lots of tapes of them singing and dancing and somewhere around there, there’s marlen walking around wanting to hold the mic as well. 

I do remember more that at the age of 3 I already had a favorite artist, that as your typical sexy-rebel woman that everyone would deem as a bit crazy, she’d wear these fantastic skirts that would flow as she danced, she was quite ferocious – still is as far as I know after all of these years. Let’s say she was a softer nicer mexican version of what Courtney love once was. Anyhow – I’d play around being ‘her’ and so my mother would make skirts for me so I could dance around and sing along and be recorded. My sisters and I would pretend to have our own ‘show’ wherein each one would pretend being their favorite artist. For fucks sake, I’d even take my idol’s name and use it instead of mine whenever people would ask me ‘what’s your name’.

Not so long ago I went to visit my parents and we were remembering how we once went to a fun park to Mexico City and they were carrying me around in this trolley type of car for kids. Though because I always had this desire to be a grown up and being older and  an ‘old girl’, I asked my mother to take me down from the cart because I wanted to drive it. So she did and at some point, I just continued walking thinking my parents were behind me, but they had stopped at some point to eat something and forgot about me. I eventually got lost in there in between all the people and to not make the story that long, they found me after a while in the center of a group of people – security people from the fun park were actually calling for my parents, but I had used one of my favorite artists’ name so I didn’t use the name marlen and so my parents didn’t have a clue people had actually found me. When I saw my parents I was extremely angry at them for ‘having left me’ without realizing that I had been the stubborn one in wanting to ‘drive the trolley’ instead of me being driven by my parents. So, yeah I hit them out of anger, I was so extremely pissed off an it lasted for a while even if they tried to comfort me with stuff. I was a real spoiled brat.

I was an unusual kid because I wanted to go to school before time. Well, my mother only took me to kindergarten when I was 4 so that was fair enough to begin school. I remember the first day of school, everyone cried when their parents left except me – I saw everyone just crying out loud and I played strong and held it even though I did want to cry just because I saw everyone crying probably, such an awkward moment but that was it. I remember being a very serious and quiet girl. Teachers loved me because I was so well behaved – this is mostly due to having being educated by my father and mother with ‘good manners’ and basically always being tidy and nicely dressed and all. I remember the first time I was scolded at school, it was 2nd grade of kindergarten and that was because I took some scissors and cut off bits of some guy’s hair lol. For some reason going to the hairdresser was one of those experiences I remember very well as a kid, and also because my nanny knew how to do it so it all fascinated me somehow, that’s how it was so ‘easy’ for me to grab the scissors and follow the moves I had seen from people cutting hair – but this boy started crying and so they scolded me.

I remember learning english and how I went learning, it was something extremely enjoyable. I said I was an odd girl because I would cry when I didn’t go to school. I would not want to miss classes or something ‘important’ – lol this was kindergarten for fucks sake.

For the most part I remember being attracted to some kids at that age as well. There was this skinny ill looking boy that I liked – then someone told me he liked me too which then made me want to run away lol, he once gave me a lipstick and some teddy bear thingy for christmas, I was so embarrassed I didn’t know what to do – but for the most part I feared such relationships, I couldn’t fathom kids having boyfriends and such. There was a guy that was the typical blue eye blond boy that all girls liked – he apparently liked me but I didn’t, I didn’t like the cute guys and I’d instead play with these kids that were mostly troublesome. I liked a kid from new york, he was like some 3 years older than us and he was placed in pre-school to learn spanish. His parents were divorcing and he was going through a rough time. Somehow I remember understanding his conversations in english with teacher or at least imagine what he was nagging about back then. Seems his emotional state left an imprint as he’d just suddenly start crying and then he’d be just laughing the next moment. I’d play some with him. I’d also play with another friend with barbie dolls. He enjoyed taking the dolls clothes for the most part which I found hilarious, though our teacher didn’t like that – I found it awesome that he could play a girl’s game without fearing being called a sissy or something.

He then left to Germany and we kept some letter exchanges, lol he’d sent a letter from there saying ‘how was Halloween there? Happy chirstmas’ and his signature with some dinosaur stamp. Lol, quite funny. He then came back for a couple of years and was quite the rebellious type, imagine having lived in Europe and then coming to old-fashioned mexico in one of the most conservative cities in the country – nah. He was a ‘badass’ for having some traces of long hair on his back. Anyways.

I was the ‘perfect student’, I was always getting great grades and being praised by teachers, earning diplomas in every single school ceremony at the end of school years and whatnot. This as much as would’ve seem something cool was rather a hard time for me – not so much for being called a ‘nerd’ but because of how my ‘friends’ would turn their back on me for being praised by teachers and such. I loathed that, I disliked it so much to be named and placed as an example to follow. It created a great amount of pressure on me at that young age. I’d actually be a very nervous kid, I’d have a lot of anxiety for this, always wanting to ‘keep up’ to the expectations of teachers, to keep that ‘place’ at school. It was a great school I must say, not so many children, bilingual school and teachers had worked in a german school so it was basically with that influence minus the german. Very strict, lots of cleanliness, discipline, reading habits, almost personalized attention. I mean, I got to be in a class of 7 people at some point – it was that small and that’s not because it was a ‘priviledge’ but because everyone mostly ran away from such school  - they deemed it as way too strict and small for a normal development – that to a certain extent was true, yet I had fun being with the same classmates through primary schools.

The points that I’d ‘suffer’ about was being backstabbed by my so-called best friends, I’d cry a lot for that and my mother would be all worried to see me crying and so sad because I was basically rejected at times for being a smartass or a brain and some other kids simply wanted to ‘beat me’ in ‘honor placements’ which is they wanted to be first place which kept me in the lines of being envied and with such pressure to ‘keep up to that expectation’ – I was only 7 years old then, imagine that.

To me at that point being alone during recess was such a torture, I’d be really sad and wanting to cry all the time when I’d see the girls in my class gathering to eat lunch and I’d have to sit alone somewhere else and whenever I’d attempt to just join them, they would ignore me. This somehow was something that didn’t last all the time. I later on got along with them again as there weren’t that many girls in our class anyways so, I went through the entire ‘best friend’ era which also ended in a rough time after several years – that’s another story. I do remember her father was a german man that I’d be oddly afraid of yet kind of attracted to lol, I think he even got to know of this between joke and joke but anyways.

I was a responsible kid, I would always make my homework, my mother never had to push me to do it, I’d always do it by myself, she’d just have to sign them to say ‘I made them’ but she never really  had to sit next to me to make me do it. My mother was cool support when I’d get really insecure and nervous about the entire friends and school scenario, I feared making mistakes. Lol I once had a nervous breakdown while having mental calculus at school, I lost track of it all and got so anxious that I just started crying in front of the class, such an embarrassing moment – I have written this before and self forgiven this amount of pressure and self inflicted standards. My mother would always tell me ‘I could do it, I knew the stuff so I sholdn’t worry’ and I did, I was just over concerned at times even though it would always turn out well somehow.

Part of the odd parts at that time is when at age 7 I got cable tv – I had already been watching some music videos aired at 4 pm on some incipient national tv channel, though it was in 1994 that MTV Latin America began and coincidentally that was the time I got my mtv and boy oh boy, things went haywire from there. I stopped watching tom and jerry and began watching videos all the time. I’d make my homework and everything in front of the tv, I was a real tv addict man, throughout my childhood and for the most part up to highschool I’d say. It was ‘beneficial’ as that’s how I got to train my ears and learn more english – lol I remember going to my English teacher in second grade and asking her: ‘What does Seether mean because I can’t find it in the dictionary’ – that’s a Veruca Salt song and she obviously didn’t know – I’m glad she didn’t know what I was talking about either.

English was my favorite subject at all times because of the variety of stuff we’d do like singing songs and playing games, going to special rooms to listen to recordings, watching movies, learning all types of interesting stuff. We’d have 2 hours of english on a daily basis so that was awesome as well.

So, back to watching MTV. I already had a taste for music, specially ‘rock and roll’ which was what my then early childhood idol would sing to. But this was just another level. I mean, I can recall being watching mtv when the news on kurt cobain being dead went on the air and I even experienced something that I assumed people would experience when someone died. Funny programming but anyways, I became quite a fan of grunge stuff at that time – then I became fond of virtually anything from britpop to alternative, aerosmith, guns and roses and that type of stuff. The visual impact was equal to the auditive one. I was such an addict to mtv, I’d watch the 100 best videos of the year non stop, I’d eat in front of the tv, I’d make my homework with mtv – I began compulsively learning band names and songs, albums, video directors, etc. But, I was also specifically fascinated by girls in bands, to me they were the coolest thing on Earth.

In between my isolation in front of tv, I did have some girl friends that I would hang out with. I’m grateful for one that ws 2 years younger than me and got me into being more of an outdoors girl, riding bikes and skating, playing video games and she got me to like the simpsons and so forth. She had a brother well, she was actually the daughter of friends of my parents from an association they belonged to, so we’d be in each others’ house watching movies and eating chocolates, playing games and stuff. Her brother was already in highschool by the time I was around 8 or 9 and he’d be listening to marilyn manson and pantera and other metal stuff. I had a crush on him lol a tall skinny black haired guy that was into building 9000 pieces puzzles, I remember an impressive one of the tower of babel. Quite fascinating and to me seeing his cd’s and stuff, I knew what he was listening as I’d see it on MTV, sometimes we’d have short chats about it but I’d be a bit nervous while talking to him.

With that group of ‘friends’ from my parents, I also got to know some other guys, also much older and they’d caught my attention because they were these brothers with really long hair so lol to me they resembled the guys that I’d see in headbangers ball and I was just fascinated by them having a band – oh man once they played in my house and I was so delighted – but for the most part I was just an 8 year old girl while they were like 18, I just always wanted to be older to get along with them.

I had another best friend with whom I learned to listen to softer techno stuff at age 8 or 9, we’d spend hours and hours skating and playing – she’s dead now, her entire family died in a carcrash few years ago. I did have lots of fun with her though.

With my cousins I had a tough time. I would be the laughing point because of them not liking the stuff that I liked watching, they’d make fun that I watched mtv all the time while they watched your regular kid’s stuff – I then always wanted to be hanging out with my older cousins who were around my sisters age – from 5 to 10 years older than me. I got to be part of them and go to the movies and such, doing ‘grown ups stuff’ before I was 10.

That reminds me of alcohol as well. The first time I got drunk was at age 3 and I remember that very well. My parents were out on a trip as they would usually do back then and I was left with my sisters and ‘nanny’. I had a real taste for these fruity alcoholic beverages – alcohol was an ‘ok’ and acceptable thing in my family, even for kids for some odd reason – and I became an actual alcohol lover from a very young age – I’m not kidding. When I was 4 I remember drinking more apple cider than I ‘should’ for my age and got a bit drunk with it – I  learned I had to ‘keep it quiet’ so I’d do it secretly. I definitely was on my way to become an alcoholic of sorts because I’d use any time that my parents were out of the house to go downstairs and prepare me something to drink. I really loved alcohol, the taste of it mostly but I assume that the feeling came with the taste as well. See, my mother’s family is a huge family, they were real powerful people at some point, short lived time because they squandered their money in huge parties, alcohol and maintaining their women. Whenever we’d go to the hacienda to visit my great uncle, it meant I’d have free access to alcohol so I’d be delighted to go, I’d get drunk and manage to hide it very well and I mean, I was what 8-9, 10 years old when I’d do that.  Eventually at that early age and oddly enough, I earned myself a reputation in my family of being a drunk – yes, believe it or not, such ignorant people allowing me to drink and my parents didn’t say anything either – I am not blaming anyone because I am fully aware how I got myself into it, but I was allowed to do so. In fact, due to me being a ‘responsible girl at school’ I wasn’t so observed by my family, I’d watch beavis and butthead and even soft erotism in movies at that early age without a single problem.

So. Fun times and memories for me were with my cousin with whom I went through several rivalry points wherein I basically became annoyed at her wanting to be like me. It was such an odd time, we’d go to the same school and not talk to each other, we’d live in the same street and not get along – until we became ‘friends’ again when I was 9. Then the real fun began.

I’d be hanging out more in her house – she’d be the boy-band girl while I was a lot into garbage, no doubt, smashing pumpkins and other bands so we couldn’t get along in the musical terms though we had fun in our ways. Lol I once played to be one of my idols Shirley Manson. I painted my face with heavy make up and danced to the song when I grow up in a crazy way, my cousin recorded it and made a video out of it- lol it was ‘too big’ for his hd so he had to erase it, but I had a blast doing that.

IN the house next door to my aunt’s – my cousin’s house – there was a guy that I had known throughout my entire life and I’d only know he was a real menace, a real badass. He got kicked out of all schools, he’d smuggled porn at age 8 in school, he had blackmailed teachers and his parents to commit suicide and virtually quite the medicated case of what his parents thought was ADHD – this i  only got to know later on. But, it turns out he was into music- that’s what he did. And so whenever I’d visit my cousin, I’d hear his band coming over to his house to rehearse. He’s 7 years older than me so he was already quite the teenager playing his guitar and I’d literally press my ear against the wall to hear him play. I just had a gigantic crush on him. This became the biggest secret kept because everyone in my family had labeled him as a real disaster, a real maniac, a rude guy, irresponsible, and any other bad-ass connotation you can give to a human being. So, I was just amazed by him and every time I’d see him, I’d have those butterfly thingies and I’d start daydreaming about being able to hang out with him. To me it was an ‘impossible love’ that I could simply entertain myself with for the time. You know when you’re a girl growing up and other girls start asking you ‘who do you like from school’ I’d say no one and I’d always explain I liked this guy that was my neighbor. It was not entertaining for them as they didn’t know him.

 

Funny that I had a real conflict trying to like the usual ‘nice looking people’ – I mean, when I was 9/ 10 I had a real crush on butch vig, Garbage’s drummer and the guy was like almost 40. The stereotype of man that I formed in my head as the ideal man was a grungy looking bearded man – don’t ask me why Chris Cornell pops out at the moment – not to mention others like damon albarn and later on John frusciante. Lol.

In terms of my sisters and all, I had a real hard time when one of my sisters went through her teenage years. I got to become aware of how my mother would be eavesdropping all the time wanting to know if she was dating boys that she didn’t approve of – same with my oldest sister. I mean, I got to be petrified of her ever reading my diary as she’d do with my sister to know what she was doing and so forth – most of this stemming from my mother’s self projected fears on ending up pregnant as young as she did at age 19 and having to get married. So, she would compulsively be wanting to know all about my sisters ‘candidates’ for relationships and whatnot – I’d witness the entire thing making sure I would NEVER let her know who I liked in school or anywhere else.  I had a cool time with my oldest sister who is 10 years older than me. Somehow it became easier to be with her than with my younger sister. From her I got to know Frida Kahlo and her bizarre gory paintings that I’d be so fascinated about when being in her room – my mother would complain all the time that they were too ‘gory’ and that they denoted a lot of suffering which is what probably clicked with something within me. She’d also listen to old stuff mostly the beatles so I got to know every single beatles song because she’d e a real hardcore fan. She was more into a socialist-school with provocative teachers that would make her kind of a revolutionary type of person, quite bright and I’d enjoy talking with her. Later on he entered university where rich people would attend so, she became just another strawberry in the pod and left her initial ideals at peace.

At the end of my first decade I took some dancing classes that I enjoyed a lot as well. In fact as a child I’d dance all types of music at family parties, I’d dance till 4 am till I literally dropped. I was the ‘fun of the party’ literally, I danced throughout my childhood and partied what I didn’t party when I was an actual teenager – weird but that’s how it was.

I got to go out of the country in my first decade twice to the states. I got to see a topless girl on the streets of Berkley when I was 7 as well as their ‘museum’ which was a closed type of parking lot with lots of pairs of shoes pointing towards a single point: a toilet. Lol. I got the disneyland experience, the gambling experience and even picking what would become my ‘lucky number’ while doing so. I’d go seeking for outrageous shoes and clothes that were mostly saying HERE here! lol. I had fun nonetheless and things started changing only when I got to the next ten years of my life which-  just like any other human being – defined who I am and all that I stood for in my world.

I must say that as much as I was fascinated by mysteries and occultism at this age, I was also very fearful of the dark. By this time I was already aware of channels/mediums, I myself would think of that being a ‘great deal’ to be aware of a ‘god’ even if others didn’t and to have this special shortcut to god through this channels and that’s when I began learning about ‘spirits’ and dead people residing in your house etc. I was extremely afraid of that, and that’s also how I’d end up.

 

This was certainly long and I’ve not revised it either- this is as raw as it can get – There you go, Ross, part of the story and I’ll continue with the second part as next 10 years in my life which will probably take an entire book lol.

 

Thanks

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