octubre 12, 2011

Photography

 

I had quite a point walked with one particular teacher with whom I had a certain ego clash wherein I certainly allowed myself to get angry eventually almost yell at him storming out of his office, only to then having to face him again to present the pictures – surprisingly enough he gave me the highest score.

 

I had judged him a lot and I had written it all out before and I’ve also written out how I had to yet again present another credit – the final credit in my career – which is once again photography.

 

I didn’t take the photography workshop because of many reasons… probably indecision was the greatest one as well as having had other priorities in my world when the time came to arrange my schedule to be able to be part of the class from the teacher that was supposedly great.

 

Somehow I avoided taking photography through the career, in fact I had a very odd road within arts school – not that it matter now – but I found out too soon that I would not be eventually doing that so I would spend only the required amount of time there and the rest I’d dedicate to study Desteni and writing and literally locked up in my house watching all videos and participating in the forums etc.

Okay, deviating a bit from the point as it seems I’m trying to justify why I didn’t take such credits when I had to – although I can say it’s much better to present these credits through extra-ordinary means than having actually spent 12 hours a week on a workshop smelling chemicals that I won’t ever use. Still got a camera that I’ve never used though.

 

THe point I came to write about here is how I ended up being able to understand this teacher, somehow the entire ego guard was down the moment he saw my work and even got to congratulate me – which somehow I saw I found flattering coming from someone that usually rejects virtually anything. He said how my work was revealing an actuality that is not usually present in the works of people in that school so, that was quite cool and I saw how I tried not to feel flattered but I still saw how this energetic high came up. I mean, we ended up discussing social matters and he didn’t even ask me to frame the photos or anything, he simply liked them a lot so to me it was a cool ‘boost’ coming from someone that has worked through the entire traditional ways of making photographs and considering how I first had approached him with resistances that have now been officially healed as I shared with him a paper that I wrote on photography and myself.  He didn’t even read it I must say, he just checked it out and I simply explained the content of it, discussed on how what I’m doing has no name and I’m not even bothered it doesn’t have a name as I don’t care – all of it came out through playing though I look at what has made such photographs be possible and it’s all because of travelling and money related and virtually specifically this photography point that I had some ‘success’ with early on left such a mark within me to know that I didn’t want to present something just ‘nice’ to people, I wanted to deliver a more precise message and so I did. Or so I am doing.

 

Anyways, breathing and looking deeper into what I’m trying to say here – and the reason why I’m typing is because it would take me longer to write it on my notebook. I see it’s because this person understood somehow what I have experienced and walked through taking pictures – from me leaving it aside as ‘something I do’ never really considering myself a ‘photographer’ as I know fuck all about handling a ‘real camera’  yet training myself to create images that’s it. And how the entire process of taking pictures had literally become ‘my thing’ and mostly getting to be the most ‘successful’ thing I’d do – I got my ego rubbed many times with that by many people. Then having left it out of the game for quite some time, my photography blogspot is the witness of such process as well, from posting photos on a daily basis to none in months – I literally set it all aside only to now be working in a more specific manner that I am comfortable with as saying what I actually want to say.

 

Taking photographs, being here, that’s what it was and it wasn’t really about the motive taken at times, but just the moment of I am Here – I see and realize this is me trying to create something ‘more than what it is, I see that it is still part of wanting to create or place some type of importance in who I am and what I am and whatever mental delusion I created around me and taking pictures and/or creating or being an artist… I actually cried for no fucking reason yesterday, I blame it on hormones and full moon but there is just something in there and I opened a sketchbook and wrote something along the lines of ‘never stop creating art’ because of whatever reason I saw in that moment – being understood but why would I even want to be understood, why would I want another to see what I see or how I see the world – we all see the same way so anything else is just quite a mental delusion around it all.

 

So I’m here to debunk myself, to stop lingering on to any ego-rub that I’ve gotten these past few days around this point. Ultimately, it’s not about me having any form of recognition, it’s about such photographs being able to be an extension of how I see and express the world that I could get to capture because of having the means to do so – otherwise I’d not be doing that.

 

Looking deeper again, this also has to do with the entire idea of me having entered art school with the sole purpose of dedicating myself fully and completely to creating art – I somehow had written before how the entire point of Desteni had come in a crucial moment in my career wherein I made the decision to not give art school all my time but rather focus on Desteni – I cannot regret such decision at all but I see there are still reminiscences of such perceived limitation to my ‘creativity’ – that’s how I had to link my own process as a work of art for the sake of not ending up as lacking actual creativity or experience within the stuff that one usually creates on art due to having spent most of my time devoting myself to Desteni.

 

Ultimately this can only be about ego after me having had some type of condescending recognition by this particular character that I had loathed before and that is still loaded by many due to ‘his guts’.

 

I’m glad I’m over this, and I’m simply going to publish this for the sake of it getting lost in between the digital space of our mental outbursts that must be exposed in case anyone can benefit from realizing that stopping our personal mythologies and special-considerations is part of focusing on what’s actually relevant, what’s actually real and what actually matters wherein I could definitely see that creating images can only be for fun and an outflow of what I can see in a given moment – but for now there are other points at hand that require my full attention.

 

So, I stop from hanging on to any feeling that I get when creating a certain photography, when admiring anything that may be here in front of my eyes and instead of making it an experience, I breathe and stand one and equal to it as myself.

 

That way I stop creating such extra added toppings on what must be just another part of my preprogrammed self desiring recognition kicking in – this has been exposed and self forgiven so here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an entire experience around the point of getting some compliments on work which can only feed an ego of the mind and not the physical reality at all.

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