diciembre 20, 2011

Anger–walking it out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a rather ‘pacific’ person but able to ‘ignite’ in one single moment if something doesn’t go ‘the way that I want’ and turn into a flame of fury in one second

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a ‘pacific person’ and non-chalant person that can go into a ball of anger in one go whenever things ‘don’t work out the way that I want them’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others around me in order for me to have ‘what I want’ and ‘as I want it’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘shut down the entire world’ the moment that I go into extreme anger in one moment, not really giving a fuck about anything or everyone and wanting to have a lightning striking myself in that moment without even daring to breathe through it because I apparently ‘have the right to get angry’

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have created this anger an ‘sudden explosion’ as an accumulation of anger within me for having procrastinated my writings and building up this inner discomfort because of my accepted and allowed laziness to not move myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger on to others and attempting to project the blame on to others without realizing that I created this unnecessary outflow of events out of my own desperation and over punctuality of having to eat at the exact time or else I’ll be ‘starving’ without realizing what the fuck it is to actually be starving in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get possessed by anger and within this judging myself for saying in my mind ‘once again’ due to anger having been a prominent point within my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger to be a ‘prominent point in my reality’ and still be defining myself as someone that ‘deals with anger issues’ without realizing that it is all self created and I must simply stop being angry at myself for not being up to my expectations from the moment I procrastinated getting up in the morning.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be requiring some ‘external force’ and/or ‘reason’ to move myself and get up in the morning without realizing I have to become that point that moves myself regardless of ‘having something to do’ or not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a perfect system that only moves if there is a particular ‘reason’/ ‘purpose’ to do so, and if such purpose or reason is nowhere to be found as myself, I simply neglect moving myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self-application and requiring an ‘external force’ to move myself

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect this initial experience throughout the entire morning and allowing it to accumulate and culminate in this anger explosion wherein I became frustrated at having to unnecessarily do things that could’ve been done in another way if proper communication was directed


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move out of spitefulness within thinking ‘if he/she doesn’t want to do it, I will do it’ and thus acting from the starting point of rushing and storming out with that initial energetic movement out of spitefulness and underlying anger that became evident the moment things didn’t go out as I planned and ended up moving unnecessarily.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to want to fulminate people out of my presence as I walked down the street existing as this ball of anger that simply wanted to have everything being destroyed in that moment ‘not giving a fuck’ to what could happen to me by walking on the street

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fed up of having to be existing in fear within this city, having to be watching my back at all fucking times and essentially fearing being robbed or something.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at a point of control to which I’m bound to by the single act of existing in a certain society wherein we have betrayed each other and fear stabbing each others’ back at all times due to the extensive situation of survival that we are living in.

 

I realize these are manifested consequences of our allowances and as such, we cannot allow ourselves to get angry at it but become the solution for it.

I realize that I had to direct myself ‘against all odds’ in terms of having to literally walk the entire energy out of myself in a physical way, making of breath everything that is ‘here’ as myself, when breathing this way it is a literal physical moving-point wherein I was then able to arrive to my destination having walked and breathed out most of the anger wherein I then directed myself to write it out and realizing how much shit I am able to create in my mind in such moments. I have experienced it before – different scenarios, different causes – and I won’t judge myself for having ‘fallen within the same point,’ I just realize it now and move on because that’s in essence what we’re required to do, remaining here and not allowing ourselves to get angry at the world but instead take the point back to ourselves in seeing how I am creating this point for myself.

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