marzo 21, 2012

I am Here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having lived a life in the middle way wherein remaining in a safe zone becomes just another way of coping with reality, instead of living to the fullest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tacitly agree on abusing and using the physical body in order to obtain energy for the mind to keep going on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that we could ‘not do anything about our reality’ in the past, never ever imagining or even regarding the actual power that our physical body is and exists as.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear of death to arise today and seeing myself suppressing the shock of having natural phenomena occurring, which places everything into perspective once again.

 

Why do we have to allow ourselves to get to the bottom of it all in order to ‘get it’ – it seems that it is only through extreme pain and suffering that we will ever get it, that we will ever dare to open up our eyes and look at the reality that we have missed, all because of always been seeking our own personal fulfillment, the instant gratification.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the realizations that I have gotten these past days, wherein there is something that has decidedly changed and it is almost a certainty that we cannot yet talk about.

 

There is a dizziness at the moment, I experience as if everything was swaying around me again – the headache is gone, I had to take a pain killer for that.

 

I looked up a tree, jacaranda tree and I remembered the ones that were cut down in my home city, and the ones that I had spotted in South Africa as well. This tree today, the sun was shining over it and somehow breathing the fresh air while hearing Anu talk about what we are heading toward as existence and the opportunity we have at hand, marked a moment in my reality. This is unlike anything I have experienced before in the past 4 years – and the fact that I cannot pin point it or explain it is what makes this a draft blog, because I cannot assume, nor can I deny what is being said in those interviews.

We are certainly in for a ride and we’ve known this for the past 4 years, with a certainty that could frighten the hell out of us, however we have realized that we are already in hell.

 

I cannot deny the desires to end it all – however I have certainly made an improvement in moving out of that comfort space in my mind and have directed myself to remain here, not to be optimistic but keeping the day as it should be – waking up= being alive and going to bed = dying.

 

However It is not a moment of being obfuscated, it is just something that I cannot describe – yet it has been a definitive turning point for some reason, since I started listening to those interviews. It is probably because all of the pieces that I had missed since I was a child with all those questions about existence that my mind could not fathom, then being labeled as ‘too crazy’ because of asking such questions … it was all so deliberate to be in an environment wherein, if it hadn’t been for Desteni, all of my basic existential fears would not have been ever clarified. This reality had become the perfect trap, and it still is, unfortunately.

 

Anu is essentially clarifying or confirming the points that somehow I had already understood – this is the ‘weird’ part of it that I cannot explain in terms of being able to even confirm anything as we haven’t lived it. However the experience is that of … when you resonate with something/ someone – that’s how I experience these interviews and the fact that we have lived in an attention span that could only allow us to ‘be here’ for so long is already a massive indication of how limited we have been. I cannot place a finger on myself and say, well how come I did have all those questions we were not supposed to have – I have gone through the point of ‘wanting to be special’ at the very beginning of this process – along with seeing stuff swaying like water when being very still.

 

That is the experience that I have at the moment – I cannot pinpoint it if it is being an aftershock of the quake – but this is a physical experience, it is not a mindfuck, definitely.

So, Anu – I know this won’t be read by you or anything else – but this is just part of the quirky moments that I give to myself just because you said: write about it, reflect upon it and that’s exactly what I have been doing with listening to those interviews repeatedly. There are far too many points on a golden platter there… It would be ‘weird’ to think I am writing to someone that won’t be read this – or maybe he is as I write – this is just like a confirmation that I hear, I see, I realize and I understand. And that I had to lay this out through words because hearing through those 5 initial interviews without being able to openly discuss them is rather like a time-bomb for me in a way, for some reason. I could have many questions but I’m certain they will be clarified as we go. I breathe.

 

I Am Here – and those words unlocked something this afternoon as I heard them while walking on the street listening to number 5.

 

I wonder why I get this physically-sensitive wherein everything seems to stop and I become really aware of my breath – it is similar to the experience on e, wherein there is no experience, there is a silence that can be experienced at a physical level yet I am not deliberately ‘doing it.’

 

I can realize at some unconscious mind level that I had been waiting/ expecting this point already, it is a knowing that is already here.

 

All  I see is I live here to walk the necessary process to get Here, fully and completely – that is the only commitment I can make wherein I let go of the idea of who I am, wherein I realize that I am Here and that defining me to a single speck is as limiting as any iota of fear that could come with the idea of dying before time. If life and death were created….

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing everything on Earth decay

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear knowing that our days are counted, not realizing that death is the only certainty we have at the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fears out of points of realization – that is ludicrous

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to create an experience within the realization of what is to come – even if not ‘knowing’ in such specificity, yet.

 

I would definitely not be able to do this alone at all  - and I won’t – I am here and that’s the key.

 

We support ourselves to ‘here.’

Until Here.

 

return to substance - - - emerge in awareness and create within awareness

or

return ourselves to substance within existence through an excruciating process of slow but certain self destruction.

 

The problem has been living out as individualized bubbles instead of living here as the totality of existence – how on Earth did we dump reality for a mindfuck?

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