abril 27, 2012

Day 14: Keeping Quiet leads to Relationship Failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance to write about relationships, without realizing that I am defining ‘who I am’ in relation to ‘what I’ve written in the past’ which is certainly gone and not ‘here’ as the current understanding of relationships and my own experiences toward it at the moment, which I can certainly bring through a new perspective that I probably was not aware of in the past.

So I breathe, stop the resistance and walk through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of the topic of relationships ‘the point’ in my process due to past experiences wherein I accepted and allowed myself to diminish, belittle and compromise my own stance and process according to ‘being in a relationship,’ which means that the point I must correct from here on is remaining stable as I am currently when being alone, and walking the process of being able to remain stable and constant no matter where or with whom I am with.

I realize that by having made this point ‘the point’ within my process, I have given it ‘extra value’ that I have then being mostly defining myself according to but in a way that I am mostly resisting and/or avoiding even talking about, which only fuels the same cycles of creating a specific relationship toward ‘relationships.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing about relationships without realizing that any point I experience a resistance toward means that I have created a particular experience toward, which means that: I must walk it through with proper self-support for relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to ‘relationships’ and the past as memories of people that have come and gone and that allowed me to see what I have been accepting and allowing to exist within/ as me, which means that everything that I ever blamed and judged others for, was in fact only revealing me to me what was existing in a silent/ dormant way within me.

I realize that it is within relationships that we get to face ourselves ‘full on’ because there is no other way that we would be able to trigger points that can’t possibly be triggered when/ while being alone. 

I realize that resisting anything that has to do with relationships at the moment is only me reflecting my own ‘unsolved issues’ toward it that I experienced myself as being ‘perfectly fine without,’ instead of seeing that I am actually resisting because I know, I have realized and seen how it is through relationships that the actual process of facing yourself at all times exists.

For that, I see, realize and understand that allowing me to first face myself, alone and walking the necessary self agreement is the necessary step to be able to stand here wherein what matters is that I ensure I stand and do not allow myself to change/ alter/ waver or transform ‘who I am’ according to the relationships I form/ establish within myself toward others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subservient within relationships, wherein I played the role of being the passive listener and faithful companion, diminishing my own life and living experience to being just that, existing for and defining myself according to being in a relationship

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to remain in a ‘safe spot’ of complacency and not questioning/ being directly communicating as I realize I could have done in the past, because of not wanting to ‘step on another’s feet’ and interfere ‘too much’ within their individual processes, without realizing that it was simply about me fearing having to face my own fears of conflict, fear of losing a relationship if there was an uncontrollable outcome, which kept me basically tied up to an idea of who I had to be within the relationship to keep another by my side.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships from the starting point of having to ‘keep people by my side’/ fearing losing the relationship, which I have experienced as a constant point of petrification because of how I had repeated the same mistakes over and over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am in relation to the mistakes I have made in the past, without realizing that I can only learn from mistakes as the points that need absolute correction to never allow myself to repeat patterns, behaviors as limitations wherein I have compromised myself and my usual stance when and while I am in a relationship with another, which means that I must first establish a relationship as Self-Agreement with myself.

I see, realize and understand that any idea I created about another was in fact only about myself, projecting my own judgments toward others and in this, projecting blame to be able to stand as the victim that could complain and manipulate situations to suit my own limitations, which I obviously didn’t see as limitations back then, but preferences and ways of being.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remain quiet in fear of being imposing myself/ patronizing another and in that, fearing being too blunt/ harsh when it came to directly communicating which is essentially ‘fear of hurting others’ through words, while neglecting the obvious common sense that I see and realize I am perfectly able and capable of spotting in myself and others as self-support Yet when it comes to being in a relationship, I’ve kept quiet because of the relationship that I have formed toward such person within my reality.

Therefore I see and realize that the only way to correct this point is for me to establish a self-equality and oneness wherein no matter who I am supporting/ interacting with, I stick to presenting, sharing, pointing out common sense and not compromising this point just because of it coming from a particular person that I have regarded as ‘more than’ or ‘special’ within my life, which is unacceptable within the understanding of how these ‘value schemes’ that we project onto people, eventually have created the current system of disparity and polarization that entails abuse of all parts equally participating in this organism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the ‘good-doer’ wherein I did everything possible to ‘keep another happy,’ which stemmed from fear of losing an relationship and in that, compromising myself absolutely to mold myself into a more docile version of myself in order to not stir any conflicts and keeping a certain apparent ‘stability’ wherein everything is supposedly ‘alright,’ without realizing that I actually feared being alone – and in that, compromising myself just because of not wanting to be left without such relationships, no matter how much I would actually be uncomfortable in it and knowing beforehand that it wasn’t supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a single iota of self judgment just now as I review this point because of the obvious self-abuse I accepted and allowed within myself just because of fearing being alone as the fear of losing a relationship,

I realize that my desire to continue being alone is now the counter act that stems from these past experiences, which means that I must clear for myself these relationships and make sure I do not sabotage any opportunity that I have to expand myself in my process within standing with another in an actual worded, spoken and shared agreement wherein the most important aspect is Self-Agreement, which is what I am perfectly able and capable of walking as myself, alone, here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss out  the opportunity to assist and support myself to be directive to actually share in the moment any point that emerges that can be corrected/ talked about in order to support myself to step out of the pattern of remaining silent and supporting another to see and realize a point that has probably not been realized/ seen before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I fucked it up because: I kept quiet’ when in fact, keeping quiet is the outflow of having accepted and allowed various other patterns to manifest within the relationship entities that I formed, mostly because of stemming from the idea of myself ‘not being good enough’ and in that, believing that I had to ‘make up for’ not being good enough by being complacent and subservient to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a relationship as a way to measure ‘who I am’ when in fact, all that I have been within relationships is just another personality that was ‘there’ for me to face, but instead I got lost in the character, allowing myself to create such an extensive turmoil that I forgot about common sense and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of regret out of these past memories and experiences within/ as relationships.

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to write about the intense regret I experienced when I heard B explaining to me how that opportunity was gone and done and that there was no turning back once the agreement was over. That day I learned what regret was and how it would remain within me as a life-long lesson to never allow myself to remain quiet and not giving absolute and proper direction to a point I am directly involved with in/as relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain subservient to a relationship entity wherein favors are done, wherein positivity is sought yet not realizing that in that input of ‘wanting things to work out,’ I am already fearing and accepting the ‘negative’ and the dysfunctional aspects of a relationship, and keeping quiet about it, as a way to remain in a safe spot wherein things seem to be ‘just a bit tense but nothing to worry about,’ and in that missing out the absolute opportunity to take the wheel of the situation and give it common sensical direction in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the person that I stand within an agreement with because of having perceived that such relationship is a special bubble that I must take care of with separate terms as in being more flexible and subservient within the ‘hope’ that it will change/ get better after sometime, without seeing and realizing to what extent I have deliberately blinded myself when being in relationships, wherein I have caramelized the actual reality of the relationship through the creation of an apparent chemical marriage that I then used as a way to justify empathy as preference toward another, while accepting and allowing obvious patterns of separation that were Not Self-Supportive.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself the moment that I perceived that the other person was absolutely responsible for the situation, and in this, victimizing myself and believing that ‘I had done nothing wrong,’ that it wasn’t my fault that this didn’t work out,’ while being absolutely aware of all the constant patterns of allowances and acceptances that were flashing ‘red alerts’ all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience myself so emotionally burnt after a breakup that all I could do was cry, without realizing that it was me only crying out for having actually lost the opportunity of that actual initial immediate point of comfort ability with another and that I have kept as a regret point in my life, without realizing that I had not even set out the basic points of self support as words within myself for that matter, which means that the entire relationship was only that and never an actual agreement, which is the actual truth that I could not see in that moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take relationships as something that can be brewed out of nowhere in one single moment without taking into consideration what I am actually really getting myself into, realizing that I only did it out of the spontaneous ‘struck of the heart’ in believing that ‘I must go there’ and in that, having the worst crash till the very bottom when realizing that I only fed my ‘good feelings’ about someone while neglecting the obvious reality that was yelling out separation and dysfunction in distinctive moments that I simply allowed to go by.

I commit myself to establish a self-agreement of communication wherein I make sure I clarify toward myself what I am willing to live by with/ as myself wherein I do not ever create another bubble as a relationship entity with another as a ‘separate world,’ while neglecting the obvious separation that such application entails.

I commit myself to voice myself no matter ‘who it is’ that I am talking toward as that is a practical living-realization of me being addressing myself/ voicing myself as that which I see is common sense and supportive to communicate about.

A cool point about this is that I don’t have to be fueling the ghosts of the past, it is only when directing myself to write about it that memories come up, images, pictures, moments that I believed I was really happy and that everything was alright – and I did have a lot of fun while it lasted. A point that must be stopped at all times is future projections when and while being in any give moment, and to make sure that I do not become stagnant in my perceived stability when and while being alone. I definitely see and realize that there is a long process to walk ahead. Enough for now.

Thanks for reading.

 

“Twin Soul - the only twin soul that can exist is in drawings of souls that look like twins OR within the minds of those fantasizing about twin souls in their minds - but within existence: twin souls no more exist. And the practical application here would be to - whatever one is looking for in the twin soul - is what self must gift to self to be/become whole again. TWIN SOULS should be saying something, in that - the TWIN/SAME SOUL is showing that self is in fact yearning for/looking for SELF. C'mon - the codes couldn't have been MORE OBVIOUS.” Sunette Spies 

 

 

Blogs of the Day

For specialized support to walk Self-Agreements, visit:

 

No hay comentarios: