junio 30, 2012

77. I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

Disenchantment of my Own Expectations

The disenchantment experienced within art school after the first year came up as an outflow of me having based my decision to study art from a desire to experience all the points that I have described in the previous blogs, which meant that because and due to my starting point not being that of a self-directive decision, I experienced disillusionment in every class I’d take, while holding the desire for something/ someone to fulfill this yearning to get to a point of satisfaction. This lead me to spend most of my first year extensively imbued in spirituality as a means to ‘compensate’ that which the art career was not ‘giving me’ from the get go, which is in fact my own manipulation from what I desired to get/ obtain from and through the ‘art experienced’ based on all the expectations I had formulated only in my mind about art, art school and myself being ‘in the right spot’ this time, only to realize that I was experiencing myself as in the beginning of literature wherein I started developing the same backchat to justify my ‘dissatisfaction’ with the career. (Read through 72. My Career Choice where I disclose this experience)

And so, here I walk one of those various moments I had while going through school and specifically the painting workshop I attended, which was supposed to be my ‘forte’ point within my ‘skills’ –

Pattern: talking myself into thinking that ‘this school is not good enough for me/ is not what I accepted’ which is the usual backchat I would form whenever I would simply opt to drop out and move onto something else based on not getting the ‘satisfaction’ from it that I was expecting.

Pollock

2006

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get as early as possible to my painting workshop from the starting point of keeping this definition of myself as being ‘responsible’ and ‘attentive’ in school, yet wanting to ‘earn my right’ to leave after 3 hours exactly so that I could go to the library instead and read about the new age, esoteric books and religions that I considered were ‘more important’ than the workshop itself, which is how from the first year of being In art school, I began creating these ideas of myself not being fulfilled/ wanting something more ‘substantial’ based on the expectations I had created when deciding to study art and dropping out of literature. Within this essentially starting to repeat the same pattern of ‘dissatisfaction with my choice’ and seeking something else that would be more ‘fulfilling’ to get my positive experience, which is how I got myself into researching religions, spirituality and the occult as a result of me ‘going deeper’ into the ultimate desire of knowing it all as the mysteries of existence which I am now in fact able to hear and would have never gotten in any books in that library, lol.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to work within the painting workshop from the starting point of ‘getting things done to get a grade’ and losing all interest because of my own projections upon the teacher and fellow students as not being there with the same enthusiasm I thought I was attending school with, which in fact was a self-belief to cover up the fact that I simply was shifting my point of attention from art to spirituality/ or a mix of the two which could satisfy my desire to know.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my fellow mates in the workshop as looking ‘down’ and comparing myself to be rather positive and enthusiastic about painting, which is how I started creating backchat about the entire workshop not being ‘fulfilling’ or a ‘good environment’ to create, taking my observations upon others as ‘real’ and believing that being ‘creating’ with such people around me was not ‘beneficial’ for my ‘inspiration,’ thus beginning to loath going to such workshop and started only going to it for mere obligation to preserve my self-idea as a responsible being.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and my works within the starting point of competition toward others’ wherein I clearly talked myself into superiority, believing that ‘my paintings were great’ and that others’ paintings were simply bad and wrong, which is all based on my desires to fulfill this idea of myself as being an ‘innate artist’ and with ‘real talent’ which was all based on the definitions, judgments and self-belief created by and through what I would get from friends and family and others around me which I described in here 75. Bursting Dreams to Live Reality

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately choose a workshop that I knew was not that ‘popular based on my idea of then having ‘less competition’ there and so ensuring in my mind that I could ‘stand above others’ with my work/ paintings, wherein I actually sabotaged my opportunity to learn just because of starting participating in such workshop from the desire to be recognized and ‘stand above others’ works’ which all crumbled down due to and because of not getting such ‘satisfaction’ I was seeking from my teacher and fellow mates, which lead me to add another point to the entire disillusion because I was not being equally-praised as people in my world – such as friends/ family – had expressed toward ‘my work.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project blame onto the teacher when seeing him doing his own artwork while and during the ‘class’ or workshop-time, based on the expectation I had of teachers showing you/ sharing their painting secrets and techniques and everything else which I expected, and because I didn’t get that, I started believing that I was in the wrong workshop and that I had completely failed at choosing teacher – but in fact, it all stemmed from this immediate dissatisfaction that I started experiencing toward ‘studying art’ overall, after the first year and being in the beginning of the second year wherein my fulfillment started veering toward spirituality, once again repeating the pattern of thinking I had made the ‘wrong choice’ again.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my teacher did not care about what I was doing and not giving a fuck about anyone else there, without realizing that I was simply expecting to be directed and get the feedback that I wanted based on expectations of him toward my work, which was all ego based as in only considering my own work as something ‘already great’ and having only to ‘perfect it’ in school, which was all a belief and never really Real, therefore whenever I did not get my desires fulfilled in the workshop, I started building disillusionment toward the entire career overall, giving up and just going there because ‘I had to’ and not as a self-directive decision of living my ‘choice’ in fact.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start backchatting about ‘art school’ altogether and thinking that I could instead just be at home, painting by my own and seeing no point in going to art school if I was not in fact going to get any direct guidance by the teacher, which is how I would then compound the judgments toward people not caring at all and starting to absorb such ideas about others into myself as ‘depression,’ blaming the environment as being Not-supportive at all.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start building regret about my career choice – yet again – when seeing that I was only going there to ‘fill in the assistance list’ and being there 3 hours only to then immediately go to the library or home to read that which was ‘calling my attention’ the most which was spirituality, religions, philosophy and the occult, and in this starting to go to school with no actual disposition to learn and stay there enough to develop skills, but simply ‘passing through the classes’ because I simply knew I could not now repent and say that I did not want to study art any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into regret when thinking ‘painting used to be my thing and the most enjoyable time in my life and now, it’s so sad’ based on my self-created experience in this workshop, wherein I see and realize that I started blaming ‘the academy’ for ‘killing inspiration’ and feeling just like another robot in the ford-t production line based on my initial ideals of what art school would be like, seeking to fulfill my ego’s desire to immediately be recognized as this ‘great artist’ and get all the props for my ego to then be able to say that ‘art school is great!’ – but because I did not get it, I simply started losing interest.

This is part of the pattern of ‘dissing’ that which is not feeling me enough energy any longer thus

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start dissing art school, the teachers, the workshop mates, school mates and the entire art school scenario as lame and sad and depressing, simply because it was not giving Me what I had expected as this constant fulfillment of compliments and judgments that could ‘highlight my work’ above others’ and in this, starting to think and justify my experience with thoughts like ‘No wonder academy fucks all creativity and true passion to create’ which is a self-belief according to expectations and my usual way of blaming others for what I would be creating and experiencing within myself – thus it had Nothing to do with art school itself, people or the teacher but it was all myself not getting the necessary energy for me to continue being ‘happy’ within it, which is actually cool because if I had gotten my ego-nurturing, I would have probably elevated myself to a semi-god status wherein I would have only been moved by ‘desire for fame and fortune’ and not sought another way which is how in the middle of that first year in painting workshop, I found Desteni.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was a waste of time going to such workshop/ school in general, wherein I started going and leaving just exactly on the minimum of 3 hour stay there, and then rushing back to my house to ‘do my thing’ and continue studying and getting deep into spirituality, devouring books and anything that I could deem as ‘superior’ and of ‘utmost importance’ in comparison to art, which shows how I was only energetically driven to study one thing and another after another based on the amount of satisfaction as positive-energy experience that I could get from ‘my studies/ my religion/ my desires’ being fulfilled or not.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be counting the minutes till it was ‘safe to leave’ and place my name on the list and say goodbye with such excitement, as if I was attending some community work given after you’ve been in prison and only paying your sentence somehow, which became a very uncomfortable situation until I simply stopped that year in the painting workshop, which I see and realize that was simply the cannon fodder I used in that time of absolute and extreme self-dissatisfaction, lostness, disillusionment, depression and self suppression through weed to the utmost degree, that I can barely remember myself back then, and that if it wasn’t for all the pictures I took that time and the writings, I would have no remembrance of myself and my experience in that time, which was absolutely self-created hell.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeking my ‘own fame and fortune’ by taking photographs by myself, deliberately ‘spiting’ the art school point by not taking photography workshop in the belief that ‘I can do this by myself/ on my own, I don’t require school’ – which was absolutely conceited from myself – and eventually ‘hitting the jackpot’ wherein all the dissatisfaction in ‘school’ was even more enhanced and perceived as a ‘waste of time,’ when being invited to exhibit my ‘independent photography works’ in another country, which was a sudden rush of self-importance and fame that was fulfilling ‘at last’ the dreams that I’ve had with regards to someone suddenly ‘knocking on my door and asking me to show my work somewhere else in the world’ – which did happen and lead me to have my short-lived experience of fame and art-world experience that I had dreamed of for a long time.

In the next post I will share my ‘fame and fortune’ experience lol and how it changed my life to the realization of what it Really meant to be ‘in’ the artworld and how I started experiencing myself being simply ‘in the wrong profession’ yet again… lol

2006

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself talking to me in my mind about ‘being in the wrong place/ having made the wrong decisions’ I stop and I breathe – I recognize the stupidity loop for what it is as me starting to diss something based on the expectations that I had built around something/ someone without taking the necessary time and space to actually walk it in a self-supportive manner, which means: not building backchat about my decision and my choices, but instead working through with it practically with no judgment wherein I can actually assess what is supportive, what is not supportive and then, make decisions based on this practical living experience, instead of just giving up at the least ‘drop of energy’ as me not getting the necessary ‘positivity’ around a point to keep going.

When and as I see myself being in a place, walking my decision and starting to think that ‘I’ve made the wrong choices’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a pattern of me beginning to see everything through the ‘I want to drop out ‘ filter wherein when starting to criticize and judge others as depressive and not good enough for me, indicates that I am in fact creating a negativity based on me not getting my ‘initial fix’ from the beginning as a positive energy experience that I always sought to get, at all times from and of everything I participated in.

When and as I see myself projecting my own judgments upon people/ the environment as it ‘not being supportive’ for me to develop my abilities, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is one Huge excuse that I’ve used to drop out from studies, not following through because of believing that ‘everyone else is too slow in comparison to me,’ which is how within my impatience I have dropped out from studies such as learning languages, dancing and guitar lessons wherein I thought that having to ‘wait’ for an entire group to ‘catch up’ was a waste of time and money – thus dropping out and eventually only learning things half way, always being dissatisfied with any form of education, due to how I had lived in a school with only 6 classmates in elementary school at the very end, which allowed us to go into topics and material that was supposed to be learned in the following two years of junior high school, which is why I developed this constant desire to ‘consume knowledge’ in order to be ‘ahead’ of the rest, never considering what being a part of the group implies, but simply wanting to ‘get it all done fast and first,’ all of it being a primary mechanism to fulfill and support my ego.

When and as I see myself backchatting about others and judging them as ‘too slow to understand/ to act’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that I have been impatient my entire life and that building such backchat toward others only lead me to drop out and end up nowhere when believing that people are not ‘moving as fast as they should,’ according to my mind’s standards of learning/ working and ‘doing’ in the system, which is how I became displeased with living in this country with what I judged as extremely lazy people, never taking such judgment back to myself to see where in my world I was doing the same.

 

When and as I see myself placing me in a position wherein I am not ‘competing’ against what I deem as ‘strong people’/ ‘potential rivals,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize how I have deliberately sabotaged my opportunities of self-expansion and growth every time that I would make decisions based on seeing ‘where I can remain on top/ being the best’ and ensuring I would have no ‘strong opponents’ or ‘rivals’ based on the superiority and desire for recognition that I lived through and by in my life, wherein I would ‘watch out the field’ for competition and within that existing only to ‘remain’ on top, and never daring to actually see how within such stance I would only in fact exist as fear of loss of an apparent ‘special place/ position’ in my world, which is unacceptable when we look at how this entire world is essentially propagating and promoting competition as survival mode, which is how the entire world is able to continue going: through instigating competition, comparison, rivalry as eventual wars and the ultimate separation between who we are as one and equal, all because of just one point wanting to be ‘above everyone else,’ which became the way that we have divided and separated ourselves into a hierarchy that is not supporting or regarding all beings as equals, which translates currently to a monetary system that is Not supporting all beings equally.

When and as I see myself projecting blame onto teachers/ people that I had placed as ‘authority’ to give me the tools to work with/ give me the fulfillment of what I want as the ideal of proper education, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is my responsibility to support myself to ensure that I am expanding myself to learn and cooperate within the group wherein I do not wait for orders/ feedback to do what I am required to be done, but that I become my directive principle at all times in common sense = considering what is best for all – and if I require further support, ensure that I speak up and communicate about it, instead of just remaining quiet and festering about it in my own mind without daring to actually confront the situation, directing it to a best for all outcome at all times.

I realize that I have always ‘waited ‘for the authority to ‘let me know what to do’ in schools and studies, which is how I became the ‘obedient’ system person that is usually praised because of not being willing to stand up to the authority and thus, remain properly happily enslaved to ‘waiting for others to let me know what to do,’ instead of me taking the initiative to do it for and by myself, now within the consideration of what is best for all and the impact/ outflow consequence that my decisions will have upon myself, my own life and that of others in equality.

When and as I see myself starting to feel ‘uncomfortable’ in a particular place/ scenario, I stop and I breathe – before giving head to my own backchat to diss everything and everyone around me, I ensure I walk the point within myself to see where and how I am in fact uncomfortable and not satisfied with myself and my application, instead of projecting as blame onto and toward others wherein I remain as the ‘victim’ of it all, which is unacceptable. Thus I take responsibility for my experience at all times, ensuring that I cross reference the point with at least another being as to share how it is that I am experiencing and what I have seen and realized as ‘my creation’ – as to ensure that if there are actual changes to be directed in the ‘outside’ of myself as the event / situation I am in, we can then directly work to establish a more proper way of directing a point instead of only remaining as individual islands backchatting about it and not speaking up to direct the point to a best for all outcome.

When and as I see myself being deliberately attempting to ‘do things my way’ as a way to spite that which is no longer giving me the ‘satisfaction ‘that I want/ need and require in my experience, I stop and I breathe – I realize that whatever decision and direction I take from this starting point is prone to fail, as the starting of it is that of reacting to a point that I just swept aside and jump onto another point as ‘the solution,’ without having first investigated Why and How I lead myself to ‘diss’ one point, wherein I ensure that I have in fact done all I can to ‘make the point work’ before deciding to part ways/ stop participating in something/ with someone in any given event/ situation, and this way, ensuring that the decisions taken to ‘move on’ to another point are in fact well informed, tested, tried out to all its various possibilities and also referenced by at least another 2 human beings to ensure that I have at least 2 other perspectives on ‘where I am’ in my world and what I am looking at doing/ proceeding with, to ensure that I no longer exist in the ego of ‘I can do it by myself, my way will always be the ‘right way,’ which is learning to consider others in my decisions at all times, walking a self-directive point to not only take ‘me’ into consideration within decisions, but also what is best for all at all times.

I commit myself to continue debunking the very basic patterns that have marked my participation in this world as an ego that sought a constant fulfillment of and as the positive energy experience and within this, ensuring that all decisions I make in my life are not based on energy / from the starting point of a positive energetic experience, but are in fact the result of me having assessed an studied the practicality of the decision, the possible outcomes and reality-consequences that can be seen through writing, applying Self Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements to remove the basic conditions such as ‘getting a positive energy experience’ from the decisions I make and take in my life. This can allow me to stop only acting/ moving based on the expectation of a positive energy experience and instead, learn what Self-movement and a self-directive decision actually implies, wherein positive energetic experiences are no longer the ‘god’ I am looking for in my life, but instead walk here honoring life in and as myself as the physical body that I am.

For further support on how to walk your process of Self-Forgiveness:

Desteni Forum

Read the articles at Desteni website

and our blogs at Journey To Life Reddit

thanks for reading

blah

Blah! 2006

 

Blogs:

Interview!

Reptilian - The Mind is the Artist and the Physical its Canvas - Part 62

 

junio 29, 2012

76. Art Saves: My Religion Exposed

 

Within looking at how I used my career choice initially as a way to ‘Get by’ and ‘a way out of the system,’ I am looking at how I would justify this decision by establishing relationships with people that would support and involve myself within such ‘life decisions,’ which is how I came to defend ‘our view’ the same way that any other religious person would defend their belief, which is something I was able to spot due to the latest Soul of Money interview How the Soul predetermined Human's Relationship to Money – which also allowed me to understand how everything seemed ‘so perfect’ in terms of the relationship I had with specific people and ‘their dreams’ being ‘my dreams’ as well – all in all just the perfect way to feed my preprogrammed life and ensure that I would not delve myself any further than that which caught my attention first, which was art.

One of the reasons why I confirmed my ‘chosen path’ in life was due to having met the ‘most important relationships’ in my life because of art/ music, which was almost like a ‘miracle’ – ehm ehm preprogrammed – point in my life wherein I really believed that I was ‘meant to be’ with that person, I was meant to be doing that and that ‘god’ had given me such a good life with the opportunity to be an artist and have fun all the time – yes, this was MY religion and I would justify it with anything I could to maintain it ‘as is.’ No different to any Christian that pops eyes out when revealing the truth of the actual energetic kick they get of any rite – I had my rites and being with someone that backs up your religion with equal fervor ‘locks you’ into that self-belief with more candor than ever, making common sense literally nonexistent as all that exists is this glorious weedy ride where all is creation, art, laughter, enjoyment and chatting about existential matters that in no way regarded LIFE on Earth.

I would spend time at the terrace just taking pictures of the sky, hearing music, drawing, ‘living life’ in such peace that you know, everyone would like to just ‘stay like that forever’ – never daring to look at the real reality of human beings –why ruin such a moment? Everyone would think, and I also thought the same way until I dared to take off the blindfold for once and for all.

High-in-the-sea

2004

 

Some Self-Forgiveness for such existential-conversations with arguments to back up the Religion of Self as ‘the artist.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I in no way could ever see myself in a 9-5 job, saying that ‘I am way more capable than that,’ which was an obvious excuse and justification to ponder myself as this ‘artist’ that is ‘above’ the regular people and has this ‘special gift’ that makes her beyond the regular mortals, which is absolutely egotistical and self-centered statements where I was in no way aware of the reality of the world, but only caring about fulfilling my dreams and being with people that could whole-heartedly agree that they would not be able to see themselves in such a way either

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I could not see myself doing anything else than ‘art,’ I had the perfect excuse to never have to have a ‘regular job’ because apparently, I knew better and my life was ‘too special’ for that, which is the entire ego that got inflated by myself, my own thoughts, people around me throughout my life that also agreed that I had this ‘specialness’ in me that would get me into ‘very high places,’ lol never really realizing that they were only supporting my own ego-high that I even made real through becoming a religious weedy ‘ritualistic’ person, believing that my career was almost like a ‘divine gift’ and that I was able to have a ‘great life’ this life for some ‘good karma’ or something, which is how I justified and excused following my desires, having a good life and excusing poverty in this world as ‘bad karma people.’ Which is how I simply at that time ‘stopped caring’ about the world, because I was justifying everything with spirituality

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge everyone that had what I called ‘an ordinary life’ which was linked to having a ‘regular job’ and having to spend all day at work/ with kids and family, which I deemed like a curse to someone, just to be able to justify my desire to escape the system through my career.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my career as ‘an artist,’ could be the perfect excuse for me to not follow (and wallow according to my self-belief) into the family system of having kids, getting married, ‘settling down’ in just one place because I was busy following dreams of traveling, being famous, remaining ‘unsettled’ and ‘without a compromise’ with anything or anyone else than ‘art,’ which means that ‘art’ became my religion and my ‘savior’ from ‘the system,’ as an entire personality suit that I used to avoid having to take responsibility for myself and looking at the world that only ‘served me’ as inspiration, but in no way was I considering how to practically assist and support myself and others to make it a better place.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘living an ordinary life doesn’t allow you to expand and be creative’ which became like a mantra that I would repeat myself wherein ‘ordinary life’ meant having a proper job, family, money, desires for success and having a cool position within the world-system through business and professions that had nothing to do with ‘artistic careers,’ which is how I used ‘art’ as an excuse to be an ‘eccentric person’ meaning out of the ‘usual drill’ of living, which is nothing else but justifying the actual fear of having to face myself in the world system and be In it as a regular participant, believing that I could surely live of art and being ‘an artist,’ just because everything had been ‘so easy for me,’ which started becoming a self-religious belief wherein everything would come ‘with ease’ to me, believing it had to be like a divine gift of sorts for me to be able to enjoy ‘my life’ in this life as some type of good-deeds-in-the-past-life reward. Absolutely unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would not be ‘free’ if I had a husband and children, and equating marriage and children to a prison, a jail that I would run away from and even react in obvious disgust whenever anyone dared to question my ‘beliefs’ around marriage and having children in the future, just because of linking it to being bound to one place, having an ‘ordinary life’ when all I wanted was to be a ‘free spirited person’ that can ‘create’ and move around with no commitment, which would have actually lead me nowhere because the system simply does not work like that – meaning: to make money, you must be stable and committed to one point to work it through and finding odd ways to make a living is often leading to massive uncertainty in all aspects of our lives, which is why people that ‘make it’ are the most ‘settled,’ and within this understanding I see and realize that in order to equalize myself as the system, I must ‘settle down’ within the understanding and commitment to stand equal and one to the system of money and finally get past the ‘fears’ of being ‘ordinary’ as a self-belief.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a family, getting married, having a regular job implies constricting any form of ‘freedom,’ which implies that I believed myself to be ‘free’ in any form, never ever actually realizing how nothing and no one is Free until ALL is Free – and in that, simply using excuses and justifications for me to not ground myself to understand that, I could only thrive within the system by standing equal and one to it, which meant ‘the end’ to all these airy-fairy dreams of art and a ‘free spirited’ life-creation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my sister’s life and avoid at all cost becoming ‘like them,’ which meant the definition of having an ‘ordinary life,’ that till this day I see I have still judged as ‘ordinary’ and ‘boring’ and ‘constricting’ which are all aspects that come from this desire, want and need of myself to be ‘free’ and ‘unbound’ which is only a mindfuck of myself to perpetuate my own personality as ‘superior’ and ‘more intelligent’ – apparently – for deciding not to be bound to a relationship, a place, or even having desires to create a family and have kids – all of which was already quite ‘settled’ in my sister’s minds when they were my age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience actual fear when writing about ‘creating a family’ because that is an aspect of ‘life’ that I ‘do not like talking about at all’ just because of how I have linked marriage, kids and family to being like a hell that I tried to escape through defining myself as/ becoming ‘an artist,’ and within such tag, making myself acceptable as the ‘eccentric one’ within my family = meaning ‘the one that would break the mold.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually future project myself with a partner living in a little house away from the city where he could play music, I could create art and have fun riding back and forth to the city to make money with art/ any other occupation and leave a ‘peaceful kind of life’ which became like this ‘dream’ in the back of my head that I almost get myself into fully right before I got to Desteni.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could in no way follow my sisters’ steps in life, which meant studying a career, working for a while to make enough money to then settle into having kids and having a family, just because of all the judgments I created toward ‘creating a family’ and believing that to be the ultimate imprisonment for ‘a free spirited being like me.’ Lol

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and create my entire life as being ‘the antithesis of my sisters’ wherein I made sure that I would wear ‘the artist’s gown’ proudly, so that I could justify my actual fear to ever participate in the system of money as a regular being that has a stable job, that has a husband and kids, because that would mean the absolute ‘brainwashing type of life’ wherein I judged everyone that would follow dreams of success and money as ‘brainwashed,’ without realizing that I was doing the exact same thing, just veering to another direction but in the end: only seeking my personal heaven all the time in my ‘own particular way’ which became ‘my religion.’

I forgive myself to still hold on to the memory of my sister’s final exam in her uni where she was granted some honors that made everyone proud, and within that, thinking that I had to ‘top that’ which became this elusive comparison that I had to apparently ‘beat’ with my career just to remain within my self-belief of being ‘the most intelligent of my family’ that had a ‘promissory future,’ wherein the entire fear of failing at fulfilling such desire looms in the back of my head based on these future projections that I would participate in based in ‘making it’ within the art world.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to admire my sister because of having had a great final exam and great career development – then becoming disillusioned about her once that she had to quit her ‘kickass job’ because of following her desires to get married and have a kid, which was only confirming what ‘I was expecting of her,’ as self-righteous judgment that I used to fuel the idea that: ‘even if she was ‘great’ in her career, she won’t follow through with it, because her desires to have a family will be stronger than becoming successful in her career’ – and so it happened and I only fueled my self-righteous prognostic.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take a position of superiority in comparison to my sisters wherein I have believed myself to be ‘more intelligent’ and ‘wiser’ because of not following the usual ideas of having a relationship and being planning to ‘settle down’ and getting the entire house/ marriage/ kids type of life which I have judged them for in the back of my head, without realizing that it was all based on me actually fearing having to face such a life because it meant having to stand in the system and have an ‘ordinary life’ of making money to ‘settle myself down’ the same way that they have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘There is no way that I ‘m going to waste myself that way’ wherein I used my sisters as the example of everything that I did Not want to be/ become, still till this day seeing their lives as boring and dull, which is just a spiteful judgment and self-righteous to justify my actual fear of even considering myself living their lives of great responsibility now that they have children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear and be petrified by the mere idea of having children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘support’ and a ‘supportive relationship’ that of someone that could agree with me whenever I would talk about ‘having an ordinary life’ as the worst thing one could ever do in a lifetime, and in that believing that whomever had ‘the same ideals in life’ was meant to be with me for the rest of my life, lol

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually veil myself from seeing that I was no different to my sisters/ anyone else in the world that plans a future with someone that can ‘agree’ with them and their ‘lifestyle’ which in essence comprises the same desires for happiness/ fulfillment/ satisfaction just the ‘means’ and ‘ways’ of obtaining that is what differs.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I wasn’t born to be that way’ pointing out ‘the way’ as the path that my sisters/ what I deemed ‘regular people’ would follow through within their lives, wherein I would instead believe that I had this ‘special gift’ that I could use as a justification to not have to go through that ‘path in life’ of the ‘ordinary living conditions.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and be with likeminded people,’ which is how I would deliberately seek to create relationships within ‘the artworld’ and through those relationships believe ourselves to be ‘superior’ than the rest of the world because of the entire self-brainwash of considering ‘arts’ as an evolutionary step within a human being, which is how I would justify my own denigration toward ‘the ordinary lives’ that people live, without ever realizing the type of life I was aiming at being no different to that of any other ‘regular person’ in the world, and that I was in fact only seeking to be also happy, fulfilled and having a partner in life that I could continue my ‘creative dreams’ with, which still till this day remained as some elusive ideal in my life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the relationship that I had with that one person was absolutely ‘meant to be’ and it’s the relationship that has took me the most till this day to self-forgive and absolutely let go, because of all the dreams that I built around it for over half of my life – so, I realize that my dreams to be an artist were also based on wanting to be a special person that could be with this other ‘special person’ and be together in our ‘creative dreams’ wherein we could have art as the religion that binds us. This means that, within me realizing the religion I was following as ‘art,’ I am able to see with more clarity how I was structuring my life according to a single belief system that is no different to someone else’s wishes and desires to be ‘rich’ and famous, being absolutely religious in one way or another, or having knowledge as their ultimate ‘worth’ in themselves – art became that point that would bind my dreams and my relationship with the person that I had ‘dreamed’ about for a long time. Never ever questioning how come it had actually happened the exact same way I had envisioned it, and to what extent that relationship defined the entirety of ‘who I am’ and ‘what I want to be’ in the future.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I could do this forever: creating and enjoying life’ which was part of the self-belief that I followed in order to continue my self-definition of being with this particular person in my life, and reinforcing ideas of not having to be making a living out of ‘bullshit’ in this world – wherein ‘bullshit’ meant anything Not related to art-creation/ performance, etc.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think ‘What a better way to live life but to create!’ and in that, justifying my self-religion of seeking the ultimate satisfaction and relationship to others through that self-religion, as a way to not have to face the world system, remain in my happy-go-lucky artistic bubble with ‘likeminded people’ that I could simply use as a reinforcement to my own ‘decisions in life to be and become an artist,’ just because they were doing the same with their lives: trying to escape from themselves/ the world, feeling victimized from ‘the world system’ and wanting to create a safe haven outside of the city to just ‘be free, live and create,’ all of it just being a pipe dream, literally.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was genuinely happy at that time, which became just a mechanism of my mind to always take me back to those times/ memories as if I was genuinely happy and fulfilled, when in reality I was in the most self-suppressed state of being within a relationship that was not supportive at all and just using anything I could to not have to face myself, making myself co-dependent to another’s dreams and in that, make them ‘my own’ through association, due to the belief of art being a ‘savior’ in our lives, no different to any other religion.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I in no-way could do anything else than ‘art’ or any other artistic career like playing music, writing, photography and all these activities that seemed ‘acceptable’ as a profession in the world system, yet not fully being defined within my mind as the ‘ordinary type of career,’ which is how I came to justify my entire existence being based on ‘dream-fulfilling’ through art as a way to escape the world system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could remain drawing forever and be with people that would be also creative and be ‘happy together’ lol, which became just the usual way to justify my career my decision and ‘what I want to do with my life’ with this entire ‘feel good’ attitude to it. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to establish my ideal life/ my idea of fun as being with someone else in a relationship wherein one could be playing music and I could be creating graphic art and fulfill our ‘creative dreams’ together, which is why I had a tendency to seek out for musicians lol - It’s an exorcism here so

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately seek out for musicians to establish a relationship with, because of the dream that I held oh so dearly as my ideal life wherein I could be ‘creating plastic/ visual arts’ and ‘he’ the ‘ideal partner’ could make the music for it, which became like this perfect future as the creative couple – just like many couples in the artworld that I sought to emulate – couples playing in bands, couples directing music videos, couples working in art-creation together.

 

Art Saves

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself believing that I could in no way take a regular job, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am following my ‘self-religion’ as ‘the artist’ wherein I would justify my aversion to having to be In the system and have a regular income Within the system – thus I direct myself to equalize myself to the system wherein no matter what I do to earn money, I realize that the purpose of doing this is to support myself, to be In the system and to support an actual process of changing the way the world-system works which implies that I won’t only be in it for the mere sake of survival, but as an active participant to finally establish a world system wherein I/ we won’t have to depend on money any longer as a limit to what we want to be/ become in our lives, this implies that standing up for life in equality as a new monetary system will allow each person to express themselves in the way that they really want to live and exist as wherein money will no longer define what an ‘ordinary’ or ‘extraordinary’ life is based on the way that money is made to live/ survive in the world system.

When and as I see myself denigrating anyone that is currently living a life within the system and having what I had deemed as an ‘ordinary life,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the spitefulness that I bred in my mind in order to not have to face myself going through the actual equalization of myself as the system, which implies that I direct myself to simply focus on what I have to do and become in order to really stand Within the system, no longer defining it as following a dream/ deviating from a dream – but living decisions that are based in the common sensical steps required for each one of us to take Self-Responsibility for this world and do what we have to do to manifest it/ create it as a living-activity until it is done.

When and as I see myself ‘pondering’ what I would be doing if I had followed my dreams and all of the idealism I sought to fulfill in my life - I stop and I breathe – I realize that such ideas were simply pipe dreams that I used in order to not face myself, to not take Self-Responsibility – hence I stand as the decision that I’ve taken to support myself to exist as an individual that become part of the people that support themselves to let go of all limitations and fears to actually change the world from within and without through practically taking one point in our world as ‘our responsibility ‘and following through with it as a life commitment.

When and as I see myself judging people’s lives as ‘ordinary’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that I gave such definition in a derogatory way to believe that I was making the ‘right choices’ in life, based on preferences/ self-beliefs and ideas of me as an ‘artist’ being able to have an ‘eccentric unique life,’ an ‘extraordinary’ life, which is part of the programming embedded within society wherein an ‘artist’ is acceptable as ‘not normal’ based on societal patterns which is nothing else but another belief system in itself that in no way regards life in equality in/ as all living beings. I stop placing further tags upon life itself.

When and as I see myself silently judging marriage, families, having kids, and the act of ‘settling down,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I judged that as ‘ordinary’ and as the ‘locks of the system,’ based on me fearing standing one and equal as the system and actually fearing ever committing myself to such points in life, which I see that once I remove the fear and judgment to it, if and the point is here to be walked, I am willing to do so within the consideration of what is best for all life at all times and never in self-interest desires.

 

When and as I see myself fearing ‘settling down’ because of having the idea of always being and remaining a ‘free spirited person,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the career choice was based on me being able to perpetuate myself as a ‘free being,’ but never based on actual practical physical reality taking into consideration earning money/ working within the system, but my entire decision was based on dreams, preferences and desires which I’ve walked previously – thus I realize that the direction that I give to myself will be based on being able to have a stable income, a stable place wherein I can work in the most suitable position in order for me to be an active participant in the changes that we’ll be walking within the world system, wherein I ensure that I am no longer bound to dreams and desires of the past – and instead, ground myself (lol wrote moneyself) to have a stable financial position as that is the primary point within the world system, as well as establishing relationships of Self-Support in the physical and practical considerations and no longer based on desire, attraction, support of fellow belief-systems and personalities and ego.

When and as I see myself comparing my life to the one of my sisters and their decisions in life, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to simply direct myself in the consideration of what’s best for all and not only trying to ‘step out of the family-mold’ which implies that I no longer resist walking any similar steps as all decision will be based on the point I’ll be walking in my reality which will be placing myself in the most suitable position in the world system to establish the necessary changes in the world in the consideration of Life in Equality – the measuring point for this will be cross referenced with people that I can get further perspectives on what is best for all whenever I see myself being stuck at making decision – yet being aware that whatever decision I take, will be walked in the name of Life itself – and never again my ego and personal desires.

When and as I see myself comparing the careers that my sisters’ have had - I stop and I breathe, I realize that such comparison stemmed from my desire to be ‘superior’ as ‘more intelligent’ within the family, which is all ego based – therefore I let go of my desire to end up being perceived as a ‘cunning’ person, but instead follow through with the necessary points to finish and walk the next steps in my life, preparing myself to place myself in the position that I will require to be in to support within this process of self-change into a world system based on Life in Equality.

When and as I see myself believing that I am ‘missing out on life’ being ‘life’ linked to my previous artistic endeavors, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I had linked my entire future to ‘being an artist’ and within that, having no regard to me becoming someone that would have even get to positions that I officially ‘loathed’ in terms of it all having to do with social and political management, which is what I am willing to be and become as well as the necessary education, because that’s the foundation of support for all humans beings to start considering Life in Equality – so, I realize that what I will be doing will be actively participating in the near future, within the education of myself and others within the principles of Life in Equality and structuring my life in away wherein I can ensure that all relationships that I establish are in direct accordance to this process, my life commitment first, and then to existence as a whole, which is standing as who I really am in all aspects of my life.

When and as I see myself being ‘unsatisfied’ and seeking happiness, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such happiness I had linked it to airy-fairy dreams of ‘creation’ that were in no way supportive, and only based on equally high-conversations that did not consider the practical living reality at all but were just literal pipe dreams that would only serve to our egos and our desire to not face ourselves, which is unacceptable – thus I support myself to remind myself of the commitment to life I’ve made and that won’t require to be a ‘constant reminder’ as when I am here as breath as life, there is no need to desire or ‘yearn’ for happiness or fulfillment – one simply walks the decision with no desire to experience something , but walks in self-responsibility as the correction to stop all the self-interest and desires that have been the building blocks of this current world-system that we are her to stop within and as ourselves and correct/ direct into a best for all outcome.

When and as I see myself looking at people as ‘potential partners’ based on what they do in life – placing preference to musicians – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am falling into the egotistical pattern of ‘being an artist’ and in that already creating a preference of people over others – thus I commit myself to stop following my dreams and desires toward people based on ‘what they do,’ but instead support myself to establish agreements, relationships in all aspects within the consideration of what is best for all life – wherein no preference intervenes to place myself in the most suitable position within the world system to walk my decision to support myself and others equal and one within this process.

I let go of my art religion, because I see that this is the ‘real god’ I’ve worshipped the longest in my life and it had gone so inadvertently that it is like draining myself from my ‘safe haven’ – It had always been ‘here’ as something ‘in the background’ throughout my life, never wanting to admit that it was like this faith that I kept as myself, just like people keep ‘their god’ up there, as a faith that they can just hold on to as a point of resort and self-definition.

I breathe and realize I am here, and that letting go of all these dreams and ideas and future projections can only allow myself to become more self-directive in the decisions that I make from here on in my life, wherein I won’t allow myself to seek out a relationship based on any artistic bond or desires to ‘create’ and ‘be happy’ – but instead take into consideration the actual ‘facing’ of the world system that requires our absolute self-responsibility to practically and physically establish solutions wherein we stop for a moment seeking only our self-interested futures and instead create/ build a future that is best for all.

 

 

No es mi sisema 05

No es mi sistema 2005 (It’s not my system)

This is an allusion of how I saw the world as ‘too corrupted’ for my pure beating heart  - instead of realizing I was IT as well. I face the system as myself without wanting to remain in a separate bubble of dreams – I am the only one that can save myself.

 

Blogs:

 

These interviews supported me to realize what  ‘my religion’ was linked to money as the ultimate experience

 

 

junio 28, 2012

75. Bursting Dreams to Live Reality

 

How many times have we made decisions in our lives based on what ‘others think’ of ourselves, what we are ‘good at’ and what we should do? In my experience, I took other’s opinions as validations to my own beliefs and ideals, eventually only making decisions once I had gathered enough ‘confirmations’/ validations to my own desires, wherein within the Art point itself, what others said about me and ‘my artwork’ mattered enough to make myself confident about making a decision in life to study art. This implies that I really only allowed myself to be driven by other’s opinions about myself and what I wanted to do, but never fully only considering myself and taking into consideration all consequential outflows from this decision in practical terms: how am I going to live, how can I practically direct myself within this career, what are the odds to ‘hit the jackpot’ in the artworld? To place it shortly: I had fallen in love with art and I made a decision based on this attraction to it, trying to equate myself to that expression through believing that I could ‘make it’ – and the point here is not to digress if I am capable or not, but the starting point of the decisions in my life based on having others’ ‘backup’ for me, just because of not being confident enough to make my own decisions and be self responsible about them.

Dreams of fame and fortune

So, here we go with a specific event wherein I was in an art gallery with 2 people – friend and ex-partner – and how the conversations that we would have while staring at other’s works would fuel my ego and my decisions to think that ‘this is it’ and in that, build the idea of myself as ‘an artist’ based on opinions, judgments and my own daydreaming which would happen as I was listening to them and staring at other artists’ works.

The following is an actual picture of that moment wherein I was daydreaming about the stuff that I’ll disclose here:

marlena 2006

Self Forgiveness Statements

Pattern: Making decisions based on what others think – Not being confident enough to support me in common sense to make my own decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always had waited for other’s opinions and judgments upon myself and ‘what I should do with my life’ in order to make sure that I was making the ‘right choices,’ without realizing that everything that others could point out would be based already on the idea, belief and self-creation process of ‘who I want to be’ – which implies that all the confirmations I would get from others toward myself and my desire to study art, would stem from the same complacency that is played out in relationships, wherein we support each other’s decision without really supporting another to take into consideration that which is practical and best for all –

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever project blame onto others for having supported ‘my mind fuck’ when in fact, it was only me-myself that created such mindfuck in the first place, which implies that my desire to get confirmation/ validation upon my choice in life was only stemming from a desire to make myself ‘sure’ as ‘who I am’ as the ego that I was busy building as ‘an artist,’ which means that even if someone could digress from my decision, I would still have taken the road to study art, because I was only looking for the ego-validation as the decision I had already made, but only sought to be ‘sure of’ to give myself more confidence to actually make the decision to change my career and study visual arts.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to step into a gallery with a predisposition to compare ‘what I do’ and ‘what I would imagine myself doing’ from the get go, wherein every time that I go to an art gallery, I access the immediate profile of ‘me being an artist’ and comparing myself to what I’m looking at - (read further in the entry Looking at Art–what is going on up there?)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to future project myself with having ‘my artwork’ on such gallery walls and delving into the imagination of what my friend suggested as in ‘imagining my works hanging on those walls someday’ – wherein I allowed myself to simply dream about it and never really consider the actual steps and work required to get there, as well as the starting point of such daydreaming desire being a yearning to be famous, to be recognized and to be ‘praised’ just like any other artist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to what others had to say in that moment wherein they assured ‘you’ll be a great artist someday’ – which links to what my parents would say, becoming proud of me having to be this ‘great professional’ in whatever career I would choose, just because of the reputation I had built around myself as a ‘good student’ and being ‘good at everything I would do’ – which became like foam to elevate myself and my ego, without really taking into consideration the physical, practical reality of my decisions to get myself to such position.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get confidence within my ‘living choices’ to be and become an artist based on the props for my ego I would get from others in that moment wherein I would then delve into imagining my ‘solo show,’ believing that I could someday just get there by the magical wand of my own talents, which is basically daydreaming and using a desire as a way to make decision in life based on ‘what I wanted to be’ as a preference and infatuation, but never really considering the practicality of my decision in a world wherein Money must be made on a constant basis to live and survive.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fully delve into the desire and experience of imagining myself being an ‘important artist’ and famous, well known wherein this desire for fame and fortune stood as ‘my dream to come true’ that I thought I could attain by deciding to study arts and simply ‘get it’ because ‘I was so good at it,’ which proves how we can take other’s opinions and judgments as a way to validate our own self-belief in means of ‘fulfillment’ based on separation from self.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to already feel ‘special’ and ‘important’ whenever others would compare the works in that gallery to what I do and judging it as ‘less than’ what I do, which is how through comparing works by subjective opinions/ judgments, I came to build up my self-belief as being in fact ‘better’ than others and having ‘all that is required’ to be a great artist based on opinions/ judgments and my own desire to be special, which I used to validate my desire to be and become an artist.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into my ego-mode and actually voice out that ‘yes, the artworld needs some ‘Marlen’ in it’ as a way to validate that I was in fact ‘better’ than others as a way to make myself feel like I was already a ‘true artist’ because others could recognize it as well –

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, from these moments, feel More secure to make the decision to go to art school, because of what my friends would say about ‘my art,’ and deeming them as great judgments because they are ‘cultured people’ and ‘well read’ which meant that their opinions/ judgments were ‘valid’ in my mind-scheme of values, wherein if someone else had said, it would not have mattered that much – but because they ‘knew of art’ and would be validating my stuff = I felt like such validations were Real and ‘truth’ and ‘meaningful’ for me to take them into consideration and think that I should then be ‘really’ good at it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at works of art with a critical eye, wherein I am not here as myself breathing and embracing other’s expression as self, but immediately compare myself and what I do to ‘what others do,’ accessing the value-mode of seeing myself as better/ worse than other’s works, which is unacceptable because when existing in superiority, I would feel ‘good’ about my work- and when seeing myself as less/ worse than the artwork on the wall, I’d go into depression and self-deprecation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take pride on what I do as ‘my art’ and whenever I compare it as being ‘better than’ others’ works of art in specific galleries, building up this sense of trust and confidence which is not Self-Confidence and Self-Trust, but only validation of the ego through comparison, which is then nothing else but another value-game that I accepted and allowed myself to play as ‘the rules’ within the artworld.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into daydreaming, fantasizing about myself being the one having that show in that art gallery, being proudly recognized and praised in my home town, going far away into me traveling around the world with my works – wherein I used this daydreaming to fuel the ‘artist’ personality, beginning to believe myself to be better than others and be special, which is how I initiated my career and taking pride based on others’ judgments toward my work.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I only had to get myself a license to ‘be an artist’ to be validated in the artworld, which is how I saw everything as ‘very simple’ to do without really taking into consideration all aspects and dimensions of my decision, but simply making a decision based on my daydreaming, others’ opinions upon what I do and using that as a validation to be and become ‘an artist.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be driven by my desires to be famous wherein ‘going to New York’ to one day exhibit my work became like this Mecca for me, wherein I associated being able to one day present my work there as the ultimate lifetime achievement, believing that I could only be ‘fulfilled’ and consider myself as ‘successful’ if I could get to that place one day as a ‘consummated artist,’ not realizing that I was in fact just following my dreams and not really giving a fuck about the world, the actual system that we live in but falling into the trap of seeking my own desires and dreams while having only the ‘intention’ to do some ‘good for the world’ only once that I could get to such position, which is absolutely what any other charity works like: only giving a little of the ‘greatness’ achieved as money as fame/ fortune for the ‘have nots’ and feel better about myself within such future projection as in: following my dreams BUT also supporting the ‘poor ones.’ Which is absolutely, unacceptable – and

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access shame of myself as how I existed back then, because of the world system, this entire reality never having been a part of my plans and decisions in life, but only following what everyone else was busy doing: seeking to be successful in any ‘field’ of reality that they wanted to develop themselves in, just for the sake of personal interest/ personal development wherein an actual point of Self-Responsibility toward the world was Never considered as part of the plans, which is how I allow myself to let go of the regret that I’ve been holding on to with regards to this choice I made in my life based on my own desires, wants, needs and delusional dreams of grandeur that I actually followed until everything was clear enough for me: I had brainwashed myself and others to support my decision based on self-interest and the ego-praise that everyone in society supports – whereas when one stops following such ‘dream,’ one is seen as ‘not successful’ simply because the specialness and perpetuation of the ego is not ‘here’ any longer, which is placing a stop to the system of career-choices to enhance egos/ keeping the system in place, as I realize that standing for life in equality is not better or worse than, it’s just a life-decision to take self-responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to daydream about ‘elite people’ bowing down to my work which only gave me a sensation of power over those that I would perceive as ‘more powerful’ than me, due to all the money they have, which I took as a challenge to walk through, because of all the previous judgments I had held toward ‘the elite’ people and the artworld itself, wanting to prove to others that I could be ‘praised by those with money’ and in that, building a fortress around myself as my own ego.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make a decision about me being ‘sure enough’ to be an artist after all the daydreaming/ future projection with backchat in my mind, seeing myself as ‘totally making it’ according to what others would say about me/ my work as well, which made me confident enough to propose this to my parents and let them know that ‘art was my REAL profession, and that I had to be/ become an artist no matter what.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a ‘true passion to create,’ without realizing that I was simply using the same lingo charged with feelings of grandeur toward art/ art creation and that I used this as a tool to convince myself, others and my parents specifically to support my decision to study art, letting them know that ‘I cannot envision myself doing anything else in this world other than art,’ which is a great fallacy and self manipulation to only follow my dreams of superiority, fame, fortune, money, recognition and grandeur that I sought.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to convince myself to make life-decisions based on the desires stemming from myself as my ego, stemming from myself as the acceptance of a desire as a separation of who I am as one and equal wherein art became this ‘idolized’ field of reality that I wanted to be a part of, just because of how I programmed myself to see it as an elevated and ‘evolved’ human activity, how I deemed it as something special, a ‘divine gift’ to see the world in a ‘different way,’ and within this justifying that I had to drop out of literature and change my plans in life, following the ‘big jackpot’ in the artworld.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in the moment of doubting my decision by using a point of comparison to what I was studying then and saying ‘I cannot see myself remaining studying literature’ – which became a way to simply manipulate myself further into believing I was making the ‘best decision ever’ now that I had gathered others’ perspectives upon who I am and my own life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the belief of ‘my thing is to create’ as an actual self-manipulation that I’d play out in order to talk-myself-into believing that I could only become an artist, I could ‘only’ be satisfied following these dreams, which became also a fear within me when going into the opposite point of ‘not making it’ and fearing the failure of myself within it – yet deliberately shoving such fear away because of the extent of the ‘positive validations’ I got from others and myself included to believe that: there was No way I could fail in this…

I realize how limited it is for us to only have to decide ‘who/ what we are’ as only  a profession, instead of living the expansion of who and what we are as one and equals and in that, realizing that no matter what we do, as long as we are taking the whole into consideration: we will stand by the decision we take as life supports life and there is no ‘wrong decision’ within doing what’s best for all.

Ideal Future

Ideal Future 2003  (she still looked clueless and worried lol)

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself making decisions based on other’s opinions about ‘what I am good at’ wherein only a self-belief as personality is considered, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I must direct myself in a way wherein Who I Am is no longer bound to a preference, a desire, an ideal of myself in my life but instead decide to direct my life in a way that I can ensure that the choice that I make will be in support of myself and all equally, taking a position in my world wherein I can actually dedicate my life to Life itself, supporting myself and others, which implies that I must establish my own equality and oneness so that there are no more desires existent within me to ‘fulfill’ in separation of what’s best for all, but I ensure that I walk the decision to dedicate myself to life, and within this, whatever decision I take on in any particular field, the starting point of it will be very clear: life in equality as myself in all ways.

When and as I see myself doubting my own choice, I realize that in such allowance of becoming the doubt, I am diminishing myself to uncertainty that is existent only when a conflict of interests exists within me – which implies that I must clarify for myself first where such doubt stems from – what am I trying to protect? What and who am I manipulating to impose ‘my way’ as ‘my choice,’ instead of considering at all times what is best for all life – within this, I realize that any friction and conflict emerging from a decision based on common sense, must be specifically scrutinized to see where I am creating such conflict from self-interest, desires, wants and needs that I realize are always in the way of the consideration of what’s best for all life.

When and as I see myself resorting to the memory of myself as ‘an artist’ to create an idea of not being ‘satisfied’ with my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such idea of self was created from the starting point of everything that I allowed myself to be only as my mind, which implies that ‘who I am’ here as a common sensical being will no longer be bound to a preference, an ideal or desire of ‘who I want to be,’ but instead realize that I am already here, walking the living decision to support myself as life, and within that, seeing that no ‘dream’ can ever be an actual self-directed decision as dreams are always only based on what the mind places in our ‘heads’ to continue existing in the limitation of personality, ego/ preference – thus, I ‘remind’ myself that This process implies letting go of my personal interests in the name of ALL as Equals wherein there is no need to only be ‘one single thing’ and diminishing myself to one single point, but instead, learn to expand myself in a way that I can verify I am in fact supporting myself and others, which will imply at all times the consideration of life in Equality and never more just a ‘career’ or ‘profession’ based on likes and dislikes and personal dreams.

When and as I see myself going into the hypothetical daydreaming activity of ‘who I could have been if I have ‘given it all’ to my career’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have bound myself to such dreams and idealizations of my life based on the accumulation of desires linked to people’s opinions about myself, my work/ my life, and that in no way I ever considered life in equality in such equation of ‘career choice’ – thus I see that everything that I have to ‘let go of’ was never in fact ‘real’ as myself, as it was only based on preferences and future projections that I in no way walked in an equal-and-one consideration of myself as life and all. Thus, I let go of the dream for the illusion that it always was.

When and as I see myself daydreaming about ‘all that could have been’ in relation to myself and the art career, I realize that such dreams were stemming from my desires to be famous, recognized and ‘praised’ as an ego that was formed when listening to others and my own backchat about myself being ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is the most basic form of ego-driven decisions that exist, therefore I realize that in order to walk my decision to life/ to live, I can no longer hold any dream as valuable within my decision. Once that I have made the decision to live, I ensure that any temptation as a daydreaming moment is an indication that I am not wanting to face a particular living-decision that requires my attention and focus to not deviate from the position of Self-Responsibility that I have decided to walk, thus I breathe and bring here the point that is leading me to ‘desire escaping = desire my daydreams’ due to how I had connected my career to a way to be evasive toward and of the world itself.

When and as I see myself basing people’s opinions and judgments upon myself/ the world based on the idea/ belief and perception that I have of them as ‘well-cultured’ / knowledgeable/ intelligent beings, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me just perpetuating the same system of values that are in fact abusive toward the world system, maintaining specialness and hierarchies over the realization of life in equality. I stop wanting to remain within a special ‘group of people’ that can be considered as ‘well cultured/ knowledgeable/ intellectual’ as the people I used to hang out with and have relationships toward, as I see that none that has ever contributed to a world in Equality, nor is there any Real care and consideration to doing something that will create a real change in life, and our world. Thus I let go of the dream for the fallacy that it always was and the judgments/ opinions from others that it was backed up with.

When and as I see myself fearing not fulfilling the ideas/ beliefs and perceptions others had about me and my life/ future within the belief that I would get to be someone ‘great’ and ‘extraordinary,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that all those expectations were only a heavy load for me to remain as the ‘ever perfection’ idea of myself that was backed up by people around me, wherein I then created this great expectation upon myself, falling into a disillusionment and even self-belittlement the moment that such high-expectations were not able to be fulfilled. Which is how and why I can now see that none of that was ever of any value as Life and what’s best for all was in no way considered in such plans as ‘my life’ and ‘who I want to be,’ – thus I let go of the dreams for the fallacies that they are and entail.

When and as I see myself going back to the pattern of ‘wanting to create only’ I realize that this is mostly an evasive pattern that I used to seclude myself, forget about the world and everyone and essentially fuel my self-obsessions and desires without any common sense direction to my life and ‘who I am’

Thus, the realization that I get from this is that I chose a career in order to fly away from the world, not having to face myself and the ‘monetary system’ because of seeing it as ‘the bad guy’ and ‘the monster’ that wanted to only suck us dry – deciding to instead make art as a ‘noble way’ to earn money, without ever even pondering that I could support myself to be the change that I wanted to see in the world instead of finding ways to evade it and run away from it. I make sure that the decisions that I take on as my life from here on are based on what is best for all, wherein all forms of desires are seen as the limited version of myself that I thought myself to be, that I created of myself as to limit my real capacity and ability to do that which I thought was impossible: create a change in this world, and this won’t come only from me following a dream, but taking a position within the system wherein I can ensure that I am no longer controlled by desires and fears to be and become that which I will require to do and become in order to establish a world and reality wherein All can placidly decide what to do with their lives without having a need to ‘have more’ than others or ‘survive’ only, but really be supported from birth to death and in that, having a Real Choice to establish a common sensical living decision for oneself and all as equals.

Desteni

Desteni Forum for Self Support

Equal Money System so that All can express and live the ‘dreams’ that we are currently only able to hold as an illusion due to MONEY being the main obstacle to be able to express/ live as equals to Life.

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