junio 15, 2012

House collapsing dream / Dead grand mother

I had a quick dream right after I went to sleep last night. I had a chat with my mother wherein I explained a lot about parenting and I sensed that I was touching ‘sensitive points’ within her because of the frankness of the relationships between parents/ children and what is the way to correct and direct the point. However, this is my own projection that came through a dream in a very weird manner.

 

I was here in my room and suddenly there was an earthquake and I saw the house was starting to collapse – lol, the bits of bricks on my head felt only like raindrops instead of actual bricks – and so I could see the top of the door just falling apart as I’d reach out of the room. Then in one moment I saw that someone was coming into the house down the aisle, I was actually in my grandmother’s house all of a sudden and she’d come through with what seemed like a woman nurse and she seemed a lot shorter than I can recall her and she would apologize for looking in a particular way such – which seemed rather weird to me because In my dream I was aware that I had not have her in my dreams at all in ages, she’s been dead for some 2 years or more now and I realized that I had developed quite a crass relationship toward her, lots of blame for what ‘she put my mother through,’ never understanding it was my mother that actually allowed that point within her life.

 

It is also the point of facing the ‘grand mother’ in my own mother, wherein my mother would complain of her mother being jealous of her own daughter’s success, and yesterday I could reacted the same way when writing with my mother. Hence SF

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in sadness toward the image of my dead grandmother for the first time in my dreams, simply because of how much I had denied that I even ‘cared’ about her or her death while I was away from the country.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the image of a dead person in my family within my dreams

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it had to do with me fearing ending up ‘forgetting about my mother’ the same way that I did with my grandmother.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear that my family collapses and only later on understand that they had the opportunity to support themselves from the time I shared Desteni with them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in a way want something to happen to them so that I can say ‘I told you so!’ which is not from the point of actual support, but still wanting to prove them that ‘I was right’ which is not acceptable as we realize that shit will hit the fan, regardless of me having ‘warned’ them or not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto my mother an idea of her being acting in a jealous and rather envious manner toward myself, which is only me wanting to read through her words that she won’t ‘ever’ be satisfied with what I do to improve myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to share with my mother what I’m doing from the starting point of getting her recognition and validation toward my application as in ‘doing good’ and ‘prove her’ that I am in fact taking care of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must prove to my mother/ parents about what I do in my life being something that is supportive, due to me still believing that I had ‘failed’ to do something with my life, based on my career which they expected me to flourish in.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when seeing my house collapse, which implies that I fear the absolute collapse of that family background that I can rely on as a form of ‘guaranteed security’ that I can always turn to.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up with the idea that I have to cry because of seeing my dead grandmother in dreams, feeling guilty because I never said anything about her dead, or became ‘sad’ or ‘miss’ her at all, which I kept as a point of me being a rather cold, distant and ‘disheartened’ person that didn’t give a damn about my grandmother’s death.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mother becomes just like my grandmother and in that, fearing that the patterns will repeat.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto my mother the judgments that I would her her say about her own mother, within this fearing that she’s becoming the product of her own judgments, without realizing that all judgments are actually revealing the nature of ourselves as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become, which implies that the reality of the problem in this world is linked to us blaming parents for our experience and Not taking self responsibility for what self is accepting and allowing within self.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever take my mother’s complains about her mother as ‘real’ and 100% true, which lead me to become spiteful and plain cynical toward my grandmother in a ‘playful manner’ which turned our relationship into a passive bitter attitude toward each other, half joking, half hurting and generally criticizing each other.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I suppressed any ‘hurt feelings’ when my grand mother died, when the truth is still that I had non and that all that I was glad about is my mother not having to deal with her any longer, because of how I would see myself being drained by the experience she had with her mother.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother’s mother was in fact as annoying and compulsive as my mother would describe her, without realizing that all judgments can only reveal the nature of the person that is speaking               - within that I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother as annoying and compulsive and myself as annoying and compulsive as all judgments in fact stem from what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

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