MarlenLife - Yournal

Anger–walking it out

2011-12-20T13:51:00.001-08:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a rather ‘pacific’ person but able to ‘ignite’ in one single moment if something doesn’t go ‘the way that I want’ and turn into a flame of fury in one second

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a ‘pacific person’ and non-chalant person that can go into a ball of anger in one go whenever things ‘don’t work out the way that I want them’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others around me in order for me to have ‘what I want’ and ‘as I want it’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘shut down the entire world’ the moment that I go into extreme anger in one moment, not really giving a fuck about anything or everyone and wanting to have a lightning striking myself in that moment without even daring to breathe through it because I apparently ‘have the right to get angry’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have created this anger an ‘sudden explosion’ as an accumulation of anger within me for having procrastinated my writings and building up this inner discomfort because of my accepted and allowed laziness to not move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger on to others and attempting to project the blame on to others without realizing that I created this unnecessary outflow of events out of my own desperation and over punctuality of having to eat at the exact time or else I’ll be ‘starving’ without realizing what the fuck it is to actually be starving in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get possessed by anger and within this judging myself for saying in my mind ‘once again’ due to anger having been a prominent point within my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger to be a ‘prominent point in my reality’ and still be defining myself as someone that ‘deals with anger issues’ without realizing that it is all self created and I must simply stop being angry at myself for not being up to my expectations from the moment I procrastinated getting up in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be requiring some ‘external force’ and/or ‘reason’ to move myself and get up in the morning without realizing I have to become that point that moves myself regardless of ‘having something to do’ or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a perfect system that only moves if there is a particular ‘reason’/ ‘purpose’ to do so, and if such purpose or reason is nowhere to be found as myself, I simply neglect moving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self-application and requiring an ‘external force’ to move myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect this initial experience throughout the entire morning and allowing it to accumulate and culminate in this anger explosion wherein I became frustrated at having to unnecessarily do things that could’ve been done in another way if proper communication was directed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move out of spitefulness within thinking ‘if he/she doesn’t want to do it, I will do it’ and thus acting from the starting point of rushing and storming out with that initial energetic movement out of spitefulness and underlying anger that became evident the moment things didn’t go out as I planned and ended up moving unnecessarily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fulminate people out of my presence as I walked down the street existing as this ball of anger that simply wanted to have everything being destroyed in that moment ‘not giving a fuck’ to what could happen to me by walking on the street

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fed up of having to be existing in fear within this city, having to be watching my back at all fucking times and essentially fearing being robbed or something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at a point of control to which I’m bound to by the single act of existing in a certain society wherein we have betrayed each other and fear stabbing each others’ back at all times due to the extensive situation of survival that we are living in.

I realize these are manifested consequences of our allowances and as such, we cannot allow ourselves to get angry at it but become the solution for it.

I realize that I had to direct myself ‘against all odds’ in terms of having to literally walk the entire energy out of myself in a physical way, making of breath everything that is ‘here’ as myself, when breathing this way it is a literal physical moving-point wherein I was then able to arrive to my destination having walked and breathed out most of the anger wherein I then directed myself to write it out and realizing how much shit I am able to create in my mind in such moments. I have experienced it before – different scenarios, different causes – and I won’t judge myself for having ‘fallen within the same point,’ I just realize it now and move on because that’s in essence what we’re required to do, remaining here and not allowing ourselves to get angry at the world but instead take the point back to ourselves in seeing how I am creating this point for myself.

Drifting off

2011-10-23T19:10:00.001-07:00

I don’t mean to expand too much on this but it’s plain to see that when something’s ‘going on’ within me I tend to drift off and indulging into trivial stuff like spending time looking at my old records or books, specially when coming to my parents house as walls have some of my stuff and there’s all my past stash of whatever I used to build my personality with. Same with eating more as there’s just a vastness of everything which I don’t usually have so, I have to moderate that.

But also in terms of sleeping and other seemingly ‘unimportant’ events, like because I was completely alone leaving my bed undone, that’s like an actual indication of uh oh there is something going on. Same with falling asleep at times and then ending up wasting my time or whatever it is to waste your time.

So I forgive my self that I have accepted and allowed myself for dragging this long tail of ‘moments lost’ while I indulged into some form of diversion from what is here to get done.

See, having responsibilities is something that changes your life and I’m glad I have them but sometimes my free-willer vein shows up and I end up just wanting to form these ‘fleeting moments’ for myself wherein I can apparently ‘do stuff that I want to do’ as if I was chained or limited by something or someone – I’m not, it’s only myself and the policeman in the head doing that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still hold on to this ‘free will’ side of myself wherein I’d like to be ‘doing that which I used to do’ which was painting, music, going out for endless chats with people about life and death and pretending to be ‘getting somewhere’ within that. So, I still can do that yet there’s an obvious sense of self responsibility that can’t simply be scratched off now, so that’s how one’s life changes from that perspective. I’m glad though because I’ve given my self a purpose to live and if it wasn’t for this, fuck knows where and what I’d be doing.

Part of the cool things of writing ourselves to freedom is that I can publish it for the sake of leaving the stuff out of my head into words and open for the world to see because it is only through doing this that it loses its secret-mind attribute and I expose myself for what I tend to indulge in at times which ranges from news on the tv and music… either concerts, interviews etc. Though all of it is just part of how I create a moment to divert my attention on purpose which I consider is also required.

I went downtown yesterday and I perceived I saw an old friend, well he was my ‘best friend’ for some years to the point of spending our entire weekends together talking about depression while flirting with suicidal thoughts. He was sitting on a bench, writing as always and I just passed on by. I mean this says it all with regards to how people in our past, those ‘blood brothers’ that we thought we were and would remain together for the remainder of our lives become nothing else but people that we pass on by without saying hi or anything because there is nothing to speak about – past is dead and we move on. I had no further reactions to it. As time progress I see that all the emotional attachment is able to be shed off and thus we remain and exist in a lighter version of ourselves, not having to drag our personal history around to have a sense of ‘who we are’.

I observed how people ‘have fun’ and it’s all related to an experience. It’s interesting but once we realize such experiences I can have my experience of the day just going outside for a walk and enjoying looking at the birds and breathing the fresh air while watching the tonalities that this particular season creates on the trees and plants. I know I have kept these images as this vault in my head that kind of pops up whenever the mind wants some attention. When I wasn’t here such images of me walking in this place would come up and so I realized how much we’ve formed ourselves around places and images and even seasons and the experience thereof.

So I can say I see my life as pretty plain and yes this is a line by Blind Melon in that no rain song. I realize it won’t always be this way but it doesn’t bother me either. I’m even more ‘secluded’ when in Mexico city as I only move around a certain area of the place I live in, it doesn’t’ bother me either, I enjoy the familiarity created around that area even if it’s not the nicest area to live in.

It’s kind of hard letting go of the comfort and luxuries here in this house, but I’ve seen how it only takes a day or two to get used to the other place – really, that’s how the mind works and so, I rather focus on the physical reality, focus on what I have to get done because otherwise I drift away too much without actually directing myself effectively which then compounds as this build ups of frustrations and self-irritation that I obviously have created.

Letting go of this world that song was made by some faithfully deceived but I got it from bernard once in our mail and I got stuck to it for the simplicity and amateur taste to it, such a simple tune and mostly focusing on the title, let go of everything that is here, that’s basically what we’ve learned at Desteni and it’s fascinating how after all of these years, my mind still drifts off into the same bs wherein I end up making some type of artistic moment of it. Maybe I simply shouldn’t judge it, call it contemplation or waste of time but I probably also require to give myself some time to just stop being ‘doing something’ all the time which is my usual way of existing… when not drifting off of course lol.

Okay. So – this is it. I enjoyed coming here and getting out of the usual routine as well as using a big screen as monitor lol oh and listening to music and playing some guitar.

That was the weekend.

Secret meaning behind things

2011-10-22T00:13:00.001-07:00

Fact is there is one painting that I haven’t published on the internet yet it hangs on the stairs’ wall of my parents house where I’m currently in taking care of moka and shakti while my parents are out.

I had deemed this as a condescending painting wherein I tried to use bright colors for the sake of doing something ‘cheerful’ to hand in such a visible spot.

Instead, I ended up creating a semi-abstract painting that I could call ‘the fall of man. There is indeed a man hanging upside down and the entire construction of space and time defined by a sphere-like object with the infinity symbol trapped in a vertical way, almost like one of those sand clocks that will eventually run out of grains to keep the track of time.

There’s a human character, someone that just appeared there with a very prominent chin – fuck knows I mean maybe courbet’s beard on his goodmorning monsier Courbet painting inspired such deformity. Anyways – the point is… there’s a hand as well, it was supposed to be a nice painting with something nice to say: it didn’t happen.

This is only one of several examples of how I tried ‘my work’ to be cheerful and eventually ending up with some twisted message along the brightness of such lines.

Does this matter in any way to ‘who I am’ – other than a personality definition of being bleak, no. It only reveals how within art and my expression I haven’t been able to kid myself as easily as I do in real life. I cannot paint shit that I will later realize I was only high on a pipe dream – whenever I did that, it was mostly related to some form of spiritual greatness but never ending on a false sense of ‘glee’. Even an open painting I made of someone smiling decorated the walls of my friends’ wall, a self destructive, self obsessed and depressed man that certainly reflected me back to myself which is how we became friends In the first place. I had painted that happy face withholding thoughts of some ‘bright future’ with someone.

You should see my bookshelf, I just reviewed it this morning. Maybe it’s because my parents don’t know English and trusted me enough to be mature enough to read all of that, but I would’ve taken my son/ daughter to have some pro-chat to investigate such preferences for books – one can only read the titles to get an idea of what I was all about back in the day.

I was shaped by music, books and a great sense of humor from my parents.

Oddly enough I could not seem to conciliate my apparent ‘stability’ when crossreferencing it with the reality that I saw. There was something wrong going on.

This is only but an observation amongst the entire woven patterns as the person I call myself. I am not any of that and giving it all good riddance is for the sake of my own self-realization devoid of any memories, any preferences, any fixations, any personal trivial data that I have cherished as if it had any meaning, including this blog wherein for some reason I am not trying to be talking to someone specifically other than myself, writing the same way I would write to myself in my handwritten diary - although this will go out ‘in the open’ No problem on that as I cannot fear or want things to be another way. Principles over preferences.

Secret meaning is: there is NO secret meaning, there are only patterns we have to eradicate as 'who we are' to end-this-lie and actually live and express here.

First 10 years of my life

2011-10-13T22:47:00.001-07:00

I was born in a central city of México, 2 hours away from México City – a city that was founded early on in the colonial stages of Mexico –great baroque architecture downtown yet grew up in a ‘then’ relative new areas in the south of the city across from the state’s university.

I was born into a family of 4 already – I’m the youngest of three daughters to a relative young marriage – my mother was only 30 when she had me – and at the moment, I can only go as far back as 3 years old of age.

I was a happy spoiled child, I had all the attention from my sisters and parents – I had what one could consider a happy early childhood as I’d enjoy being at home just playing with dolls and having fun with my ‘nanny’ who was the girl that would also help with the general household. She was quite young and we had lots of fun that I remember, she was really brave when coming to the toilette and I’d ask her to please clean me. Lol.

I grew up listening to lost of music as my father is quite the music lover, my sisters would love to also sing and dance to their favorite pop singers’ songs and my parents would record it all –we’ve got lots of tapes of them singing and dancing and somewhere around there, there’s marlen walking around wanting to hold the mic as well.

I do remember more that at the age of 3 I already had a favorite artist, that as your typical sexy-rebel woman that everyone would deem as a bit crazy, she’d wear these fantastic skirts that would flow as she danced, she was quite ferocious – still is as far as I know after all of these years. Let’s say she was a softer nicer mexican version of what Courtney love once was. Anyhow – I’d play around being ‘her’ and so my mother would make skirts for me so I could dance around and sing along and be recorded. My sisters and I would pretend to have our own ‘show’ wherein each one would pretend being their favorite artist. For fucks sake, I’d even take my idol’s name and use it instead of mine whenever people would ask me ‘what’s your name’.

Not so long ago I went to visit my parents and we were remembering how we once went to a fun park to Mexico City and they were carrying me around in this trolley type of car for kids. Though because I always had this desire to be a grown up and being older and an ‘old girl’, I asked my mother to take me down from the cart because I wanted to drive it. So she did and at some point, I just continued walking thinking my parents were behind me, but they had stopped at some point to eat something and forgot about me. I eventually got lost in there in between all the people and to not make the story that long, they found me after a while in the center of a group of people – security people from the fun park were actually calling for my parents, but I had used one of my favorite artists’ name so I didn’t use the name marlen and so my parents didn’t have a clue people had actually found me. When I saw my parents I was extremely angry at them for ‘having left me’ without realizing that I had been the stubborn one in wanting to ‘drive the trolley’ instead of me being driven by my parents. So, yeah I hit them out of anger, I was so extremely pissed off an it lasted for a while even if they tried to comfort me with stuff. I was a real spoiled brat.

I was an unusual kid because I wanted to go to school before time. Well, my mother only took me to kindergarten when I was 4 so that was fair enough to begin school. I remember the first day of school, everyone cried when their parents left except me – I saw everyone just crying out loud and I played strong and held it even though I did want to cry just because I saw everyone crying probably, such an awkward moment but that was it. I remember being a very serious and quiet girl. Teachers loved me because I was so well behaved – this is mostly due to having being educated by my father and mother with ‘good manners’ and basically always being tidy and nicely dressed and all. I remember the first time I was scolded at school, it was 2nd grade of kindergarten and that was because I took some scissors and cut off bits of some guy’s hair lol. For some reason going to the hairdresser was one of those experiences I remember very well as a kid, and also because my nanny knew how to do it so it all fascinated me somehow, that’s how it was so ‘easy’ for me to grab the scissors and follow the moves I had seen from people cutting hair – but this boy started crying and so they scolded me.

I remember learning english and how I went learning, it was something extremely enjoyable. I said I was an odd girl because I would cry when I didn’t go to school. I would not want to miss classes or something ‘important’ – lol this was kindergarten for fucks sake.

For the most part I remember being attracted to some kids at that age as well. There was this skinny ill looking boy that I liked – then someone told me he liked me too which then made me want to run away lol, he once gave me a lipstick and some teddy bear thingy for christmas, I was so embarrassed I didn’t know what to do – but for the most part I feared such relationships, I couldn’t fathom kids having boyfriends and such. There was a guy that was the typical blue eye blond boy that all girls liked – he apparently liked me but I didn’t, I didn’t like the cute guys and I’d instead play with these kids that were mostly troublesome. I liked a kid from new york, he was like some 3 years older than us and he was placed in pre-school to learn spanish. His parents were divorcing and he was going through a rough time. Somehow I remember understanding his conversations in english with teacher or at least imagine what he was nagging about back then. Seems his emotional state left an imprint as he’d just suddenly start crying and then he’d be just laughing the next moment. I’d play some with him. I’d also play with another friend with barbie dolls. He enjoyed taking the dolls clothes for the most part which I found hilarious, though our teacher didn’t like that – I found it awesome that he could play a girl’s game without fearing being called a sissy or something.

He then left to Germany and we kept some letter exchanges, lol he’d sent a letter from there saying ‘how was Halloween there? Happy chirstmas’ and his signature with some dinosaur stamp. Lol, quite funny. He then came back for a couple of years and was quite the rebellious type, imagine having lived in Europe and then coming to old-fashioned mexico in one of the most conservative cities in the country – nah. He was a ‘badass’ for having some traces of long hair on his back. Anyways.

I was the ‘perfect student’, I was always getting great grades and being praised by teachers, earning diplomas in every single school ceremony at the end of school years and whatnot. This as much as would’ve seem something cool was rather a hard time for me – not so much for being called a ‘nerd’ but because of how my ‘friends’ would turn their back on me for being praised by teachers and such. I loathed that, I disliked it so much to be named and placed as an example to follow. It created a great amount of pressure on me at that young age. I’d actually be a very nervous kid, I’d have a lot of anxiety for this, always wanting to ‘keep up’ to the expectations of teachers, to keep that ‘place’ at school. It was a great school I must say, not so many children, bilingual school and teachers had worked in a german school so it was basically with that influence minus the german. Very strict, lots of cleanliness, discipline, reading habits, almost personalized attention. I mean, I got to be in a class of 7 people at some point – it was that small and that’s not because it was a ‘priviledge’ but because everyone mostly ran away from such school - they deemed it as way too strict and small for a normal development – that to a certain extent was true, yet I had fun being with the same classmates through primary schools.

The points that I’d ‘suffer’ about was being backstabbed by my so-called best friends, I’d cry a lot for that and my mother would be all worried to see me crying and so sad because I was basically rejected at times for being a smartass or a brain and some other kids simply wanted to ‘beat me’ in ‘honor placements’ which is they wanted to be first place which kept me in the lines of being envied and with such pressure to ‘keep up to that expectation’ – I was only 7 years old then, imagine that.

To me at that point being alone during recess was such a torture, I’d be really sad and wanting to cry all the time when I’d see the girls in my class gathering to eat lunch and I’d have to sit alone somewhere else and whenever I’d attempt to just join them, they would ignore me. This somehow was something that didn’t last all the time. I later on got along with them again as there weren’t that many girls in our class anyways so, I went through the entire ‘best friend’ era which also ended in a rough time after several years – that’s another story. I do remember her father was a german man that I’d be oddly afraid of yet kind of attracted to lol, I think he even got to know of this between joke and joke but anyways.

I was a responsible kid, I would always make my homework, my mother never had to push me to do it, I’d always do it by myself, she’d just have to sign them to say ‘I made them’ but she never really had to sit next to me to make me do it. My mother was cool support when I’d get really insecure and nervous about the entire friends and school scenario, I feared making mistakes. Lol I once had a nervous breakdown while having mental calculus at school, I lost track of it all and got so anxious that I just started crying in front of the class, such an embarrassing moment – I have written this before and self forgiven this amount of pressure and self inflicted standards. My mother would always tell me ‘I could do it, I knew the stuff so I sholdn’t worry’ and I did, I was just over concerned at times even though it would always turn out well somehow.

Part of the odd parts at that time is when at age 7 I got cable tv – I had already been watching some music videos aired at 4 pm on some incipient national tv channel, though it was in 1994 that MTV Latin America began and coincidentally that was the time I got my mtv and boy oh boy, things went haywire from there. I stopped watching tom and jerry and began watching videos all the time. I’d make my homework and everything in front of the tv, I was a real tv addict man, throughout my childhood and for the most part up to highschool I’d say. It was ‘beneficial’ as that’s how I got to train my ears and learn more english – lol I remember going to my English teacher in second grade and asking her: ‘What does Seether mean because I can’t find it in the dictionary’ – that’s a Veruca Salt song and she obviously didn’t know – I’m glad she didn’t know what I was talking about either.

English was my favorite subject at all times because of the variety of stuff we’d do like singing songs and playing games, going to special rooms to listen to recordings, watching movies, learning all types of interesting stuff. We’d have 2 hours of english on a daily basis so that was awesome as well.

So, back to watching MTV. I already had a taste for music, specially ‘rock and roll’ which was what my then early childhood idol would sing to. But this was just another level. I mean, I can recall being watching mtv when the news on kurt cobain being dead went on the air and I even experienced something that I assumed people would experience when someone died. Funny programming but anyways, I became quite a fan of grunge stuff at that time – then I became fond of virtually anything from britpop to alternative, aerosmith, guns and roses and that type of stuff. The visual impact was equal to the auditive one. I was such an addict to mtv, I’d watch the 100 best videos of the year non stop, I’d eat in front of the tv, I’d make my homework with mtv – I began compulsively learning band names and songs, albums, video directors, etc. But, I was also specifically fascinated by girls in bands, to me they were the coolest thing on Earth.

In between my isolation in front of tv, I did have some girl friends that I would hang out with. I’m grateful for one that ws 2 years younger than me and got me into being more of an outdoors girl, riding bikes and skating, playing video games and she got me to like the simpsons and so forth. She had a brother well, she was actually the daughter of friends of my parents from an association they belonged to, so we’d be in each others’ house watching movies and eating chocolates, playing games and stuff. Her brother was already in highschool by the time I was around 8 or 9 and he’d be listening to marilyn manson and pantera and other metal stuff. I had a crush on him lol a tall skinny black haired guy that was into building 9000 pieces puzzles, I remember an impressive one of the tower of babel. Quite fascinating and to me seeing his cd’s and stuff, I knew what he was listening as I’d see it on MTV, sometimes we’d have short chats about it but I’d be a bit nervous while talking to him.

With that group of ‘friends’ from my parents, I also got to know some other guys, also much older and they’d caught my attention because they were these brothers with really long hair so lol to me they resembled the guys that I’d see in headbangers ball and I was just fascinated by them having a band – oh man once they played in my house and I was so delighted – but for the most part I was just an 8 year old girl while they were like 18, I just always wanted to be older to get along with them.

I had another best friend with whom I learned to listen to softer techno stuff at age 8 or 9, we’d spend hours and hours skating and playing – she’s dead now, her entire family died in a carcrash few years ago. I did have lots of fun with her though.

With my cousins I had a tough time. I would be the laughing point because of them not liking the stuff that I liked watching, they’d make fun that I watched mtv all the time while they watched your regular kid’s stuff – I then always wanted to be hanging out with my older cousins who were around my sisters age – from 5 to 10 years older than me. I got to be part of them and go to the movies and such, doing ‘grown ups stuff’ before I was 10.

That reminds me of alcohol as well. The first time I got drunk was at age 3 and I remember that very well. My parents were out on a trip as they would usually do back then and I was left with my sisters and ‘nanny’. I had a real taste for these fruity alcoholic beverages – alcohol was an ‘ok’ and acceptable thing in my family, even for kids for some odd reason – and I became an actual alcohol lover from a very young age – I’m not kidding. When I was 4 I remember drinking more apple cider than I ‘should’ for my age and got a bit drunk with it – I learned I had to ‘keep it quiet’ so I’d do it secretly. I definitely was on my way to become an alcoholic of sorts because I’d use any time that my parents were out of the house to go downstairs and prepare me something to drink. I really loved alcohol, the taste of it mostly but I assume that the feeling came with the taste as well. See, my mother’s family is a huge family, they were real powerful people at some point, short lived time because they squandered their money in huge parties, alcohol and maintaining their women. Whenever we’d go to the hacienda to visit my great uncle, it meant I’d have free access to alcohol so I’d be delighted to go, I’d get drunk and manage to hide it very well and I mean, I was what 8-9, 10 years old when I’d do that. Eventually at that early age and oddly enough, I earned myself a reputation in my family of being a drunk – yes, believe it or not, such ignorant people allowing me to drink and my parents didn’t say anything either – I am not blaming anyone because I am fully aware how I got myself into it, but I was allowed to do so. In fact, due to me being a ‘responsible girl at school’ I wasn’t so observed by my family, I’d watch beavis and butthead and even soft erotism in movies at that early age without a single problem.

So. Fun times and memories for me were with my cousin with whom I went through several rivalry points wherein I basically became annoyed at her wanting to be like me. It was such an odd time, we’d go to the same school and not talk to each other, we’d live in the same street and not get along – until we became ‘friends’ again when I was 9. Then the real fun began.

I’d be hanging out more in her house – she’d be the boy-band girl while I was a lot into garbage, no doubt, smashing pumpkins and other bands so we couldn’t get along in the musical terms though we had fun in our ways. Lol I once played to be one of my idols Shirley Manson. I painted my face with heavy make up and danced to the song when I grow up in a crazy way, my cousin recorded it and made a video out of it- lol it was ‘too big’ for his hd so he had to erase it, but I had a blast doing that.

IN the house next door to my aunt’s – my cousin’s house – there was a guy that I had known throughout my entire life and I’d only know he was a real menace, a real badass. He got kicked out of all schools, he’d smuggled porn at age 8 in school, he had blackmailed teachers and his parents to commit suicide and virtually quite the medicated case of what his parents thought was ADHD – this i only got to know later on. But, it turns out he was into music- that’s what he did. And so whenever I’d visit my cousin, I’d hear his band coming over to his house to rehearse. He’s 7 years older than me so he was already quite the teenager playing his guitar and I’d literally press my ear against the wall to hear him play. I just had a gigantic crush on him. This became the biggest secret kept because everyone in my family had labeled him as a real disaster, a real maniac, a rude guy, irresponsible, and any other bad-ass connotation you can give to a human being. So, I was just amazed by him and every time I’d see him, I’d have those butterfly thingies and I’d start daydreaming about being able to hang out with him. To me it was an ‘impossible love’ that I could simply entertain myself with for the time. You know when you’re a girl growing up and other girls start asking you ‘who do you like from school’ I’d say no one and I’d always explain I liked this guy that was my neighbor. It was not entertaining for them as they didn’t know him.

Funny that I had a real conflict trying to like the usual ‘nice looking people’ – I mean, when I was 9/ 10 I had a real crush on butch vig, Garbage’s drummer and the guy was like almost 40. The stereotype of man that I formed in my head as the ideal man was a grungy looking bearded man – don’t ask me why Chris Cornell pops out at the moment – not to mention others like damon albarn and later on John frusciante. Lol.

In terms of my sisters and all, I had a real hard time when one of my sisters went through her teenage years. I got to become aware of how my mother would be eavesdropping all the time wanting to know if she was dating boys that she didn’t approve of – same with my oldest sister. I mean, I got to be petrified of her ever reading my diary as she’d do with my sister to know what she was doing and so forth – most of this stemming from my mother’s self projected fears on ending up pregnant as young as she did at age 19 and having to get married. So, she would compulsively be wanting to know all about my sisters ‘candidates’ for relationships and whatnot – I’d witness the entire thing making sure I would NEVER let her know who I liked in school or anywhere else. I had a cool time with my oldest sister who is 10 years older than me. Somehow it became easier to be with her than with my younger sister. From her I got to know Frida Kahlo and her bizarre gory paintings that I’d be so fascinated about when being in her room – my mother would complain all the time that they were too ‘gory’ and that they denoted a lot of suffering which is what probably clicked with something within me. She’d also listen to old stuff mostly the beatles so I got to know every single beatles song because she’d e a real hardcore fan. She was more into a socialist-school with provocative teachers that would make her kind of a revolutionary type of person, quite bright and I’d enjoy talking with her. Later on he entered university where rich people would attend so, she became just another strawberry in the pod and left her initial ideals at peace.

At the end of my first decade I took some dancing classes that I enjoyed a lot as well. In fact as a child I’d dance all types of music at family parties, I’d dance till 4 am till I literally dropped. I was the ‘fun of the party’ literally, I danced throughout my childhood and partied what I didn’t party when I was an actual teenager – weird but that’s how it was.

I got to go out of the country in my first decade twice to the states. I got to see a topless girl on the streets of Berkley when I was 7 as well as their ‘museum’ which was a closed type of parking lot with lots of pairs of shoes pointing towards a single point: a toilet. Lol. I got the disneyland experience, the gambling experience and even picking what would become my ‘lucky number’ while doing so. I’d go seeking for outrageous shoes and clothes that were mostly saying HERE here! lol. I had fun nonetheless and things started changing only when I got to the next ten years of my life which- just like any other human being – defined who I am and all that I stood for in my world.

I must say that as much as I was fascinated by mysteries and occultism at this age, I was also very fearful of the dark. By this time I was already aware of channels/mediums, I myself would think of that being a ‘great deal’ to be aware of a ‘god’ even if others didn’t and to have this special shortcut to god through this channels and that’s when I began learning about ‘spirits’ and dead people residing in your house etc. I was extremely afraid of that, and that’s also how I’d end up.

This was certainly long and I’ve not revised it either- this is as raw as it can get – There you go, Ross, part of the story and I’ll continue with the second part as next 10 years in my life which will probably take an entire book lol.

Thanks

Photography

2011-10-12T21:30:00.001-07:00

I had quite a point walked with one particular teacher with whom I had a certain ego clash wherein I certainly allowed myself to get angry eventually almost yell at him storming out of his office, only to then having to face him again to present the pictures – surprisingly enough he gave me the highest score.

I had judged him a lot and I had written it all out before and I’ve also written out how I had to yet again present another credit – the final credit in my career – which is once again photography.

I didn’t take the photography workshop because of many reasons… probably indecision was the greatest one as well as having had other priorities in my world when the time came to arrange my schedule to be able to be part of the class from the teacher that was supposedly great.

Somehow I avoided taking photography through the career, in fact I had a very odd road within arts school – not that it matter now – but I found out too soon that I would not be eventually doing that so I would spend only the required amount of time there and the rest I’d dedicate to study Desteni and writing and literally locked up in my house watching all videos and participating in the forums etc.

Okay, deviating a bit from the point as it seems I’m trying to justify why I didn’t take such credits when I had to – although I can say it’s much better to present these credits through extra-ordinary means than having actually spent 12 hours a week on a workshop smelling chemicals that I won’t ever use. Still got a camera that I’ve never used though.

THe point I came to write about here is how I ended up being able to understand this teacher, somehow the entire ego guard was down the moment he saw my work and even got to congratulate me – which somehow I saw I found flattering coming from someone that usually rejects virtually anything. He said how my work was revealing an actuality that is not usually present in the works of people in that school so, that was quite cool and I saw how I tried not to feel flattered but I still saw how this energetic high came up. I mean, we ended up discussing social matters and he didn’t even ask me to frame the photos or anything, he simply liked them a lot so to me it was a cool ‘boost’ coming from someone that has worked through the entire traditional ways of making photographs and considering how I first had approached him with resistances that have now been officially healed as I shared with him a paper that I wrote on photography and myself. He didn’t even read it I must say, he just checked it out and I simply explained the content of it, discussed on how what I’m doing has no name and I’m not even bothered it doesn’t have a name as I don’t care – all of it came out through playing though I look at what has made such photographs be possible and it’s all because of travelling and money related and virtually specifically this photography point that I had some ‘success’ with early on left such a mark within me to know that I didn’t want to present something just ‘nice’ to people, I wanted to deliver a more precise message and so I did. Or so I am doing.

Anyways, breathing and looking deeper into what I’m trying to say here – and the reason why I’m typing is because it would take me longer to write it on my notebook. I see it’s because this person understood somehow what I have experienced and walked through taking pictures – from me leaving it aside as ‘something I do’ never really considering myself a ‘photographer’ as I know fuck all about handling a ‘real camera’ yet training myself to create images that’s it. And how the entire process of taking pictures had literally become ‘my thing’ and mostly getting to be the most ‘successful’ thing I’d do – I got my ego rubbed many times with that by many people. Then having left it out of the game for quite some time, my photography blogspot is the witness of such process as well, from posting photos on a daily basis to none in months – I literally set it all aside only to now be working in a more specific manner that I am comfortable with as saying what I actually want to say.

Taking photographs, being here, that’s what it was and it wasn’t really about the motive taken at times, but just the moment of I am Here – I see and realize this is me trying to create something ‘more than what it is, I see that it is still part of wanting to create or place some type of importance in who I am and what I am and whatever mental delusion I created around me and taking pictures and/or creating or being an artist… I actually cried for no fucking reason yesterday, I blame it on hormones and full moon but there is just something in there and I opened a sketchbook and wrote something along the lines of ‘never stop creating art’ because of whatever reason I saw in that moment – being understood but why would I even want to be understood, why would I want another to see what I see or how I see the world – we all see the same way so anything else is just quite a mental delusion around it all.

So I’m here to debunk myself, to stop lingering on to any ego-rub that I’ve gotten these past few days around this point. Ultimately, it’s not about me having any form of recognition, it’s about such photographs being able to be an extension of how I see and express the world that I could get to capture because of having the means to do so – otherwise I’d not be doing that.

Looking deeper again, this also has to do with the entire idea of me having entered art school with the sole purpose of dedicating myself fully and completely to creating art – I somehow had written before how the entire point of Desteni had come in a crucial moment in my career wherein I made the decision to not give art school all my time but rather focus on Desteni – I cannot regret such decision at all but I see there are still reminiscences of such perceived limitation to my ‘creativity’ – that’s how I had to link my own process as a work of art for the sake of not ending up as lacking actual creativity or experience within the stuff that one usually creates on art due to having spent most of my time devoting myself to Desteni.

Ultimately this can only be about ego after me having had some type of condescending recognition by this particular character that I had loathed before and that is still loaded by many due to ‘his guts’.

I’m glad I’m over this, and I’m simply going to publish this for the sake of it getting lost in between the digital space of our mental outbursts that must be exposed in case anyone can benefit from realizing that stopping our personal mythologies and special-considerations is part of focusing on what’s actually relevant, what’s actually real and what actually matters wherein I could definitely see that creating images can only be for fun and an outflow of what I can see in a given moment – but for now there are other points at hand that require my full attention.

So, I stop from hanging on to any feeling that I get when creating a certain photography, when admiring anything that may be here in front of my eyes and instead of making it an experience, I breathe and stand one and equal to it as myself.

That way I stop creating such extra added toppings on what must be just another part of my preprogrammed self desiring recognition kicking in – this has been exposed and self forgiven so here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an entire experience around the point of getting some compliments on work which can only feed an ego of the mind and not the physical reality at all.

frazzled

2011-09-12T22:28:00.001-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require a reason to write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience such ‘writer’s block’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I require that ‘push’ that I’ve gotten on the past weeks to write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on someone’s writings to write as a form of stimulation to write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I require to be efficient only when writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write from the starting point of wanting to create a ‘greater impact’ on others which is the separate from expressing myself here and instead, going into an ideal of how I must write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes miss the point of what is it that we are actually doing here writing and sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes see this as a chaotic dream that I wish I could wake up from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that such thing would be a ‘nice thing to experience’ which could only be an experience, ready to fade away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other beings around my age who are ‘making it’ in the world and having great jobs and money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I’ve wasted my time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still hold desires in the back of my head to do music

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could be ‘happy’ if I was in a band

I know this all sounds ‘out of nowhere’ but I had designed myself in the way of first trying to be a writer, if that didn’t work then I’d be an artist – or artist came first, doesn’t matter – yet the least likely option was my third option and the one that I would consider more dream-like which was being in a band. I find myself fascinated once again by this point, just my mind trying to create of this some apparent ‘great’ things that I could aspire to.

Sometimes I give myself some time to just wander around music videos and be ‘distracted’ or some ‘diversion’ from the points that are my main focus in my life… it always feels kind of ‘icky’ stepping down from the bubble of watching music videos and interviews with artists and so forth… this is one of the reasons why I don’t watch many movies nowadays.

I’ve got much to say but sometimes I keep my mouth shot.

I’d like to talk at at times yet there’s no one to talk to face to face.

We deal with human kind and everyone’s just willing to accept their nature as it is, I am challenging it and by doing this it’s inevitable to get to these points wherein I’d like to just press the ESC button and run away from it all – I can’t, no one can and so I instead stop making a fuzz about this and get myself back on track.

I can only dwindle myself in these thoughts.

I never understood poetry, I always wanted to write it though. I tried hard wanting to understand it, lol – to no avail. I liked reading the beatnik poetry like desolated angels by Jack Kerouac, I fell asleep while reading it in front of the sea, it was like going out of my body with the sound of the waves and being completely gone for a good half an hour, a sleep so deep that I would’ve thought I had died there.

There is No Wow in this reality anymore, everything has been said and done and as humanity, we’re only demolishing the remains of that which we ever built in the name of our enlarged egos.

I had some memories popping up today, like when my ex. partner/man found me in a concert and I was completely gone, he was so shocked and I was so high I couldn’t keep my eyes fully open. I forgave myself for that memory and the shame that came with it, it was a sonic youth concert. I drank grape juice to get some sugar and my blood back on track.

I am 25 years old, I’ve gone through some relationships in my life, most of which my mother has never found out, I’ve done things that probably I wouldn’t have ever expected myself to do, but I’m certainly being/doing that which I would’ve never ever imagined myself doing, so hooray for that as I am breaking my preprogrammed slant.

Re-birth.

Does this made any sense? does it have any connection? It did in my mind, now it’s out here for me to see and read how it is that one can go down and low for the sake of some clarity on the tight rope.

When things in this world stop making sense, it’s hard to keep you in the sane lane – yet what is sane for myself can mean being dead for another – no feeling, no emotion, no thinking, just breathing and walking the world that we’ve disturbed.

How could I ever do this to myself?’

‘How on Earth have I accepted this to happen and continue happening in this world?’

When one finds madness one can only direct oneself to clarity – Nothing can fix what is done, only I can forgive myself for all that I’ve done, for all that I’ve allowed and for all that to which I am bound as I’ve fallen to the ground and begin to crawl again like a newborn, back to innocence without knowledge, fears or pretensions and can only express and live here –

I stop the futile creations of desires in my mind, of a life that I never had and never will, I stop and look to see fellow human beings that have no time to dream, because they’ve got no roof over their head, they’ve got no toilet to shit, they’ve got no cool water to drink. I stop all my futile dreams as I can dream only because money has allowed me to do so, I like what I like only because of the lifestyle that money has created for me.

I haven’t placed myself in the shoes of another, I wouldn’t be ‘alright’ knowing that being a starving child doesn’t even have a shoe to walk upon and eats grass in the desperation and craving for food that we have collectively agreed to deny.

If humanity has been the ‘evil’ in this world, humanity must redeem itself to each other and every other sentient living being Here.

There is no other way but to Forgive Ourselves, to stop the sorrow and the pain and instead focus on what is here to be made.

When fellow beings can’t listen, it just means they are still trapped in the mind delusions, they haven’t taken the choice to breakthrough their fears, it’s only ‘normal’, it’s part of the game. And as desires, hopes and dreams fail, humanity will turn to seek an answer while it was always here in each one of us: to consider life in Equality because I can only see that it is until then that I could allow myself to dream again as my dreams will only be a re-creation that cannot separate me from myself here, as all will be fulfilled, as all will be equally here as me.

We only dream and wish and hope due to the inherent realization that there is something wrong and instead of finding the strength to create a solution, we retreat and believe that we’re not strong enough to solve this. Yet, we’ve been strong enough to perpetuate it for this long.

I require every human being to have the ability to see that we’ve been divided and conquered for all time, getting lost in translations, in space and time – fighting wars that don’t even have an actual cause or reason to be. . .

Fearing death from the moment we are birthed we’re bound to this world we write in. Because we’re going nowhere, I rather set myself free while here – because freedom doesn’t exist, I create it. Because actual caring and support doesn’t exist, I stand as that care and support myself. Because I’ve got to be the change that I want to see in the world in consideration of what’s best for All as Life, will be born.

Self Projected Irritation

2011-09-09T08:13:00.001-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify backchat and judging another as my way of justifying why I complain about things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat in relation to another and justify it as my own right to complain and point out the flaws in another without first stopping the emotional reaction and then direct the point specifically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate backchat in the mind and suppress it instead of writing it out for myself and clarifying my stance towards that person to not react but actually stop and direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for ‘how I am experiencing myself’ instead of realizing that it is only my own reactions that I’ve created and that I’ve got to take self responsibility for instead of exerting all on to another.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project blame and spitefulness towards another instead of first taking self responsibility for myself due to not realizing it’s not about ‘them’ but myself at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide/suppress myself behind a situation and projecting it to another instead of looking at myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of irritation towards another instead of actually realizing it’s all about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own mind and bullshit on to another without realizing that it’s my own irritation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated with myself due to my own inability to deliver myself to the standards that I’ve got.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate irritation towards myself due to an accumulation of not taking responsibility for completing tasks then existing within a mind lag that I’m using to project to another instead of directing it within myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be irritated with a specific person due to the ‘bond’ that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create instead of realizing that it’s not at all about the other person but about my own suppression and fears as wanting to blame another for HOW I am experiencing myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take all points back to myself regardless of the justifications that I may make up in my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be forgetful of taking it all back to myself instead of playing out self righteousness to justify why I am irritated/ angry towards another, which is in fact nothing else but irritated towards myself.

Dream: Dying on Fire–Self Forgiveness on Fear of Dying in flames

2011-04-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

So I had a very awkward dream wherein I would start catching on fire – I would suddenly start smelling something was on fire, clearly burning and I then realized it was me starting to burn. This entire scenario was kind of hectic as there was a lot going on, it didn’t seem I was in an unknown place, it was more like being in my house yet I faced this point of starting to get burned, this was facing myself within death again.

I’ve had previous dreams of dying, one of them I simply accepted as it was in a car crash and I simply breathed and knew that was going to be IT – yet, dying catching myself on fire wasn’t precisely an easy one go through. I experienced fear, panic - I saw myself within the dream really horrified and I could feel myself burning completely, it wasn’t cool at all. I woke up from that dream and I realized that I was in my house, and that I wasn’t burning – yet I heard a lot of noise and still wondered if there was something ‘on fire’ in the kitchen – meaning, I woke up still afraid and still participating in what had been going on in the dream. I usually immediately turn on my bed lamp when this type of dreams come on, as I had an entire history of being afraid of the dark – lol right now everything is pitch dark except for this screen as the light is out in the entire neighborhood – and the moment I turned on the lamp it simply didn’t go on! it seemed as if it had burned out – later on I found it had only been a bit unscrewed which was weird but anyways – I went back to sleep yet found myself feeling ‘defeated’ by the amount of fear and horror I experienced while feeling myself being burned alive, like igniting myself – kind of how instant combustion would be like, I experienced that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying on fire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being caught up in flames

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself being in panic, horror and ultimate desperation due to seeing myself being caught on fire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying in flames

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying while existing in extreme heat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define dying in flames as dying in the utmost terror and horrific way I could ever experience

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘defeated’ the moment that I gave into fear and desperation due to seeing myself dying while being burned alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in petrification the moment I saw myself dying in flames.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now fear dying on a fire due to the experience I had in my dream

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear now having to go through the experience of dying being caught on fire due to the extent of fear and desperation I experienced in my dream, so that now I can ‘transcend’ my fear.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I simply have to walk through death the moment it comes, not giving into fear and resistance and horror, but realizing it’s the last moments wherein I simply have to breathe and let go.

Technorati Tags: Self Forgiveness,Dying,fire,desteni,dream,end,life,death,fearing,horror,in flames,horrific,horrified,walking,transcendence,petrification

Beauty and looove

2011-03-17T01:11:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deem kissing as a beautiful expression of love

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to pity others that didn't have the oportunity to have a relationship of 'love'
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that such 'love'w as never real and that kissing another has nothing to do with 'love' itself, but is only a physical encounter with another one and equal experiencing the physical here as ourselves.
Nothing more, nothing less. I stop living in a delusion of the ideal of 'love' that doesn't exist HERE as myself as the physical as the breath of life that I am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having existed in FEAR of losing any partner out of fear of losing 'love' which was never real in fact.
We only exist in the moment as the breath of life wherein nothing can be lost

2011-03-17T01:05:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being confused

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not being directing myself effectively therefore, being 'uncertain' when that uncertainty isn't even real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become quite silent lately and thinking it is a 'bad thing' not realizing it could actually be the beginning of the change

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that losing meaning on art is a shame not realizing that it is actually part of process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain myself whenever Am is around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having her as my enemy now

i forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crate all this in my head, in my thoughts instead of stopping and just being here unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the 'I dont' give a fuck attitude' towards amanda and her current life situation not realizing I am her as well though I realize I cannot do anything for her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be a 'mother' to people in ways of speaking and caring about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take that role as being the one that 'cares' instead of just being equal with no desire to protect or be nice to someone

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel left out at times because of me not participating anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepte dan dallowed myself to feel the dullness of having to go to school at themoment yikes.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to do things with disgust .

Mouse in my dream

2011-02-26T06:40:00.001-08:00

I just remembered that the night before last night I had a dream wherein I actually ended up kind of screaming and waking up when seeing a mouse in the dream kind of jumping towards me – which is fascinating because it reveals that I am still a bit freaked out by rodents such as mice for example thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear mice and react within my dream towards these rodents that are basically revealing to me that I haven’t yet let go of the fears that I have created towards them in separation of myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply scream in the dream and eventually wake me up when being taken over by a fright and thus being overridden by the image of the mouse in my dream which I immediately reacted to in fear and eventually ‘escaping’ the point of confronting this fear of mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be taken over by a fear and scream/shout about it instead of calming myself down in breath to not go into immediate reaction and ‘taking the easy way out’ within the dream..

I also dreamed of my family, being taken over by the same nagging thoughts of how they were looking for some fancy dresses or some kind for some occasion and I would be like yawning and just wanting to leave the scene while actually being looking for Sunette in the dream which is an indication of where I am still reacting to the entire ‘play out’ that my family represents – which had been present the past days – and how in the dream I was seeking Sunette and even finding look-alike people but it wasn’t her so it could be a point to look at in relation to seeking a point of separation when being with my family, a point of resort, a point I can ‘run to’ when I see myself as an ‘alien’ within my family construct -

This point I’ll explore further – thanks

Embracing the artist-title thingy

2011-02-01T23:09:00.001-08:00

I Stop the useless separation I had created towards being an artist – I realize that within that single ‘holding on to’ point I am actually giving the whole thing more importance as a point of self definition thus I stop – I embrace the point within the effectiveness it can/may bring in terms of position/status within the system as a profession. That’s about it.

I do not allow myself to exist in conflict anymore as that implies self-judgment that simply complicates things unnecessarily.

I embrace myself here

Resonant rejection

2011-02-01T21:28:00.001-08:00

So as I explained earlier I’m back in Mexico City and now there’s been a change of people living here and now I’m having two couples living here meaning one of the girls moved out for this semester and the girlfriend of the other guy is here so lol I just realized now as I saw the one couple in the kitchen and the other going to school.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my inner experience according to the environment and thus considering it ‘awkward’ to be living amongst couples wherein I am the one that stands alone and thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and in this considering myself as ‘alone’ without realizing that everyone is alone, that I shouldn’t be affected at all by living amongst couples and that I should not allow myself to go into further thinking about it.

Now, there’s been interesting points emerging as I was kind of ‘glad’ that this girl moved out because she’d been the one I had the most friction with and so also with her bf, I wrote about him and I thought everything was ‘fine’ as I saw him and greeted him and just as ‘normal’ yet the back-chat came up yet again this morning when I saw that he stood here in this house – even though his gf wasn’t here –wtf – and so I was like no way! wtf is he doing here!! and just going into the same mind possession around him being here, disliking his presence, not wanting him to use this house as a hotel -

So I’ll open up this point as I see it is required – right here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the backchat again with regards to A being here in this house because I ‘am annoyed by his presence’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am projecting myself on to him as something that exists within me and that I haven’t yet fully allowed myself to forgive myself for to finally stop reacting the moment I see him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want him to leave immediately simply because of him using this house to his own convenience to sleep here and thus not having to go to his house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out of memory as holding still a grudge towards him for some reason that I am not even able to pin point at the moment wherein I have allowed myself to simply despise him for no apparent reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see him as having ‘heavy blood’ as that’s how we define people that we ‘can’t stand with no apparent reason’ -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dare to judge this being and acting out of a a resonant incompatibility as something that isn’t allowing me to treat him as an equal -

As I’ve explained this is the one person in my world that I created huge resistance towards and tried getting ‘to the point’ of it with no actual point of self realization – self forgiveness wasn’t sufficient or effective enough to actually get to the point, otherwise the back chat would’ve ended and that hasn’t happened yet so…. here I am.

Anxiety when going back to school

2011-01-28T10:03:00.001-08:00

Going back to school

I tend to get a certain anxiety when going back to school - when ‘knowing’ that I am going back to school

So, what can I do to support myself.

1. Realizing that by me ‘worrying’ and getting into ‘anxiety’ I am Not supporting myself and I am simply thus only existing in a mind-pattern here that is irrelevant to the actual moment of going to school

2. I realize that the anxiety comes from having to go back to living with others and thus getting used to living with other beings which is just simply cool to be back in facing myself

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety the moment I realize I’ll have to get to clean lots so that I can live there properly

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety when realizing that I haven’t done research on the project that I have to walk and finish this semester.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate this entire event for myself creating this unnecessary friction inside me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety when realizing that I have to go back to school on monday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an energetic rush when realizing that I will be having to go back to mexico city without realizing that it is in fact just getting used to the point again and that's it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike the idea of having to go through school again because that implies having to get back to homework and working etc - without realizing that I can actually support myself to walk through the point, just through like someone surfing inside a tidal wave and get it done - simple as that.

“Yes - it’s to see it through, walk it through into its completion that it’s a point in your world that’s done”

Yes it’s simply a point to walk-through, get it done, complete it as it is me facing my point of self-responsibility and that is simply IT.

Okay I breathe and simply get things ready and realize that every time I go into this anxiety, it’s never actually ‘real’ once I am there and moving myself - nothing to worry or over-complicate the experience about.

I face my reality as it is and stop deluding myself in the mind worrying unnecessarily about points that I can direct effectively as myself when simply walking through it when it’s actually HERE.

Crimes against life -

2011-01-25T20:34:00.001-08:00

My sister is pregnant and I’ve mentioned before how it is that I’ve become angry at times due to listening how she expresses herself about other beings, literally judging them without any mercy, speaking shit literally while having it all in a fucking golden platter -

She’s so used to judging others, she’s definitely used to never realize or even question how she’s accepted and allowed herself to become that mouth of hers. And my mother follows that trend, or my mother is the one that ‘gave birth’ to it all as acceptable – this is anger that comes up because I see how acceptable it became to gossip about others, toj judge others, to think that one is ‘right’ and everyone else is wrong, to never realize that any judgment is Self Judgment – that everything that we say and speak is essentially OURSELVES and no one else - this is the actual realization that’s not considered, I couldn’t help but react in anger the moment that she started speaking bullshit and I simply said ‘Can you please just STOP’ You are bearing a new life in your womb and see the shit you’re speaking, have respect for new innocent life and I noticed I could’ve just burst in tears in that moment – but then contained it – it is so fucking unfair children being born in the body of selfish human beings – and this is talking about ALL human beings not only my sister which in this case I have no special ‘regard’ for her being my sister at all, it’s just another woman that is living in a mind bubble where she wants things done ‘her way’, where she wears a sugar coat while talking behind others -

Now this is me talking shit about my sister and this is what needs to be stopped, because I can’t change her, because I can’t prevent her child from having to listen her cursing about others, because I can’t prevent her children from having it all and disregarding the mere possibility of people suffering in this world – because I cannot victimize her either, nor victimize my sister or myself, we are ALL responsible for this and within that we have to ALL come clean first within ourselves.

So, here it is because I still reacted to it – in essence it’s the similar way I reacted once before when listening her talking shit – it’s common sense I mean, would I then exist as a fucking martyr crying all around the world every moment I hear a mother criticizing and judging and talking shit about other beings while bearing new life inside her? No! it’s simply what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire this new child of hers to create havoc in my sister’s life so that she can reconsider her life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the secret mind as nasty as that is what is actually existent within me as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be come infuriated when listening my sister talking shit just because she’s pregnant and how I accepted and allowed the same point previously without ever questioning it – doing it myself as well without ever actually stopping myself even though something would not feel ‘okay’ within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a grudge today towards my sister when seeing her and regarding her as hypocrite – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to form opinions upon others based on past and memories as judgments that I held on to that next point of seeing them again

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at my sister which in essence is becoming angry with myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in such self judgment towards people, towards life, towards everything that is here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as self judgment the moment I judge others for them judging others and thus not stopping the self-judgment chain reaction, but instead participate in it allowing it to direct me to become angry at myself, angry at my sister and essentially angry at the world without really seeing in the moment that my anger or tears won’t make a solution for her to change, but that it will have to be part of her realizing her own points when the moment comes for everyone to face what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become as the manifested consequences of everything we’ve created as ourselves here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger in one single moment which in fact is simply the accumulation of anger at myself for existing within the belief that ‘I am not doing enough’ to create a change in this world, wherein I get to feel ‘powerless’ and thus give into self-defeat as seeing the world and every situation around me as ‘too much to bear’ wherein we then give into despair as thinking ‘there is no solution’ when in fact, we are the solution and we have to walk and live as the solution to no longer accept and allow ourselves to exist within these type of chain reactions that serve no life at all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use anger as a way to manipulate the situation to not hear them going on ranting about another person that isn’t present – within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be driven by anger in the moment when I spoke myself up and then going into immediate sadness when creating the image/idea of ‘innocent life being born into this world’ which is simply me reflecting my own sadness existent as a judgment upon this world wherein I tend to give-into and eventually tend to blame others without seeing that I am the source and cause of everything I experience and thus essentially seeing that this isn’t about my sister, this is about myself, this is about me realizing what we’ve accepted and allowed as ourselves within this world

I stop the separation that I create within my mind as ‘other people’ without considering that I can only abuse myself, I can only spite myself, I can only criticize myself, I can only talk shit about myself and thus simply experiencing the outflows of what we’ve all co-created as this world.

What will it take for it to change then has to be re-written as what will we Do to make a change, what will we live as to start living the change.

Giving thought and energy to these points is simply an opportunity that I create so that I can exert my anger which in this case I had ‘saved’ from last time that I also reacted and thus falling in the point of walking in Self Forgiveness the moment I saw my sister again, and seeing her widely pregnant and then hearing her expression which triggered the exact same reaction as last time and the same judgments which Imply that I didn’t forgive myself from it, that I didn’t take self responsibility into taking that experience back to myself and only now having to loop again to face the exact same point.

I stop the reactions in the moment, in any given situation as I see and understand that my reactions won’t change a thing, they won’t create an immediate change for that which I am reacting about – we have to stop the entire cycles that we perpetuate even when thinking that we are doing ‘something good’ towards an event/situation just as I thought that by shutting them up I could be actually ‘doing something good’ for the sake of the newborn inside her womb. That’s simply not it and thus I must focus in living and walking Self Forgiveness no matter what I see, no matter what I have to witness because it is a common source of anger I see, it is a common point of frustration by seeing myself as incapable of changing the moment – I can’t change them, I can’t change the moment, I only have that moment to change myself.

At least I did stop myself when I noticed I was getting into a sentimental area – and so I breathed and let go but noticed the energy had compounded and kind of stuck into one single point in my head – So I support myself, I breathe to let go of this point, to stop keeping that grudge towards my sister and to simply be able to point out things without going into yet another reaction that adds up to the initial reaction that she was already playing out within the entire situation.

I can only focus on myself and support myself for now, to stop myself from adding up to the cycles of self-abuse, the cycles of spitefulness towards life, of separation, of disregard of another as an Equal in all ways.

Self Forgiveness on “Reserved “

2011-01-25T12:50:00.001-08:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect myself as the mind from going deeper into the thoughts that seemingly suddenly arrive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to follow the pattern of being ‘reserved’ which is in essence a defense and hiding mechanism to not see that I am actually ‘reserving’ my mind only for myself instead of exposing it as part of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this ‘reserved’ idea of myself and thinking that what I am experiencing or thinking is ‘not relevant’ and not really ‘supportive’ to share – when it is in fact me as my mind simply covering up the actual opening of myself within allowing myself to see what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully open myself up in means of preserving an idea of myself within following the idea of not wanting to share ‘stuff that I’ve said/shared before’ which is me defining me according to what I’ve written/spoken/shared about which is a common point we tend to use to not dare to open the point yet again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘there isn’t much going on that I can share in a more personal way’ due to experiencing my life to be rather plain at the moment -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a single frame of mind wherein I do not give importance to opening up the slightest movements wherein reading, watching, sharing, speaking and writing in terms of communicating with anyone and this world equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear sharing myself openly in terms of these seemingly insignificant movements that are in fact keypoints to explore and open up for me to reveal to myself what is it that I’m still holding on to as the idea of myself.

I stand and share myself unconditionally as that is what we are here for, to expose, reveal and share ourselves no matter what.

STOPPING THE LIE - My Visit to the Desteni Farm... "Yes You can"

2011-01-25T12:36:00.000-08:00

STOPPING THE LIE - My Visit to the Desteni Farm... "Yes You can"

Eerie dream-state

2010-08-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting dream - I felt 'drunk' or 'dizzy' or more like 'slow' in the dream - not drunk, I correct this, it's actually like a heavily on weed experience in my dream wherein I had an awkward half-awake half-asleep state that allowed me to realize while in my dreams that I wasn't 'enjoying' the experience of myself within the dream, it felt very 'heavy' and then like 'lethargic' in a way which then was creating me being in at night walking through the streets with this friend/ex bf and in that moment just being aware of the experience, pulling myself out of the dream as in stopping the dream itself and after 'retrieving' myself away from this dream - because that's how it 'felt' - I opened my eyes and saw these geometrical lines forming all around like 'glow in the dark' type of , geometrical shapes all around me and so I 'assessed' that as being seeing just consciousness and being in a half-wake half-asleep state not fully into my body, felt a bit like sleep paralysis but not so much - then because in the moment I said okay I can 'design' the dream to be in and started seeing shapes emerge and so on I realized I was consciously creating the dream and as such I realized a stopping point came wherein a single point of 'fear' emerged as being able to 'create' something fully aware as my dream - I can see that would entail me being fully responsible for whatever that dream would 'come through' as because: I was consciously creating it - and so everything just went plain pitch black as the night, no more geometrical formations around - which is something 'similar' to what I had dreamed of before or seen in a similar half-awake- half-asleep state and I just went into sleeping fully.

This I can relate to having 'altered' my sleep time last night and sleeping very late almost 3 am so - that created a 'point' within me wherein even the 'sleepy' feeling I had around 1, 2, went off and I started feeling a bit 'loose' quite interesting but won't create any more definitions on to this - nor do I want to make a big deal for it, this is for personal record on this event.

Flag point: fear of creation and taking full responsibility through it.

struggle

2009-02-03T08:47:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel down and depressed because of having to walk amongst hundreds of cars in the streets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and down because I'm not walking in the place I usually walk when in my home city

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because everything looks gray here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have weary eyes all the time in sign and expression of me not enjoying this at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need sugar to compensate my 'depression'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discouraged to keep going doing what I am doing as going to school to get a paper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still exist in thoughts because if being in the breath I move myself, I direct myself and don't allow thoughts to overwhelm me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated from the moment I wake up because of thinking that I have to 'go through this'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can avoid facing this, that there's something or somewhere else I could be at, not realizing that I have to face what I chose, what I created for myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disgusted of all the polluted air that is around here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having chosen to come here to study, because never took into consideration life in itself and me living in this environment, but actually only going for self interest of wanting to be 'an artist'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see no point in being here because I'm not sure if I even want to be 'an artist' anymore

but yeah, how to move myself to support what's best for all?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck and lost with regards to 'what I am able to do' to support myself as one and equal and live in self honesty. .

That's the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty because of spending money from my father to sustain myself and this place I currently live in without me fully 'being' into the career as going and giving it all for it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting my parents down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that there's no point in continuing this because it's not of my full interest anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up before even getting started

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire sleeping more these days because I feel more comfortable sleeping than awake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am suffering, not realizing that I have no idea of what real suffering is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a storm inside my brain as thoughts instead of being here in every moment. Go to school, do what is required to be done and get it done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alienated from my peers because I am not sharing their 'views' anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel out of place because I am not trusting myself in this moment which is unacceptable

I trust myself, I direct myself, I am self trust, I am here and I direct myself. I breathe to remain out of thinking in circles that let me down .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so used to the comfort and coziness of my parent's house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss having an easy life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having things easily all the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel physically exhausted even though I haven't done much

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in polarity as energy as being 'down' instead of realizing that I create what I think, I am here I am stable I do not accept and allow myself to feel down or depressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire speaking with someone so that someone is able to 'cheer me up' without realizing that I am merely looking for an external approval of what I am going to do and what I'm going to be

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to fully embrace and accept myself here, so I don't struggle with what I am capable of doing and what I'm not.

I stop the inner struggle with my head

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious when seeing lots of traffic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I can' bare this city anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back in time and change my choices, that isn't real. I move myself here and face what I chose

Sf persona

2009-01-10T19:52:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me according to my habits

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to my personal interests

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the friends I've made in my life as being 'similar' to myself, therefore being mirrors of what exists within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to a created and programed personality as who I am and therefore, creating myself in the image and likeness of words that would define me as being 'not ordinary'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to take drinking as a point of being 'normal' doing what everyone else was doing at my age meaning teenage years

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being as 'normal' as other kids in order to fit in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from alcohol into taking it as something that would merely 'get myself loose' and being liked and accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that by showing that I was resistant to alcohol, I would get people to admire me - lol what a mindfuck - and therefore think that I was cool just because I didn't want to be tagged as a nerd

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being identified as a nerd my whole life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have the need and desire to prove myself as 'cool' so i wouldn't get judgments of being 'nerd'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear listening the definition of nerd being applied to myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to do anything that I could do so I wouldn't be tagged as a nerd

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever be affected by a tag, a name and definition such as a nerd because of who I wanted to be towards others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel cool whenever I was recognized by others as being so, specially by the 'popular' guys

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel cool when being friends with the most popular guy in generation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fun of preppy girls in their faces and enjoying them being insecure from what I told them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place effort into being a 'unique' personality, into developing a persona of the mind as an ego that would be defined as apparently not being an ego - but being constructed based on how NOT to be an ego, still created and defined by myself as the mind -

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being 'outstanding' as being identifiable within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist talking with people that I do not agree with not realizing that this is pure separation from the mind as opinions and beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own imagination as being able to create pictures of undesired events that could happen to me, such as falling again and hitting on my teeth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by memories of how I used to live my friendships and relationships and think that I was 'happy' then, not realizing I was merely living a lie

Updated art work slideshow

2008-12-25T13:16:00.000-08:00

Past burden

2008-12-24T11:37:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my past as a burden which I carry in my shoulders and blame it as the reason for having a hunched back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of standing up straight because of my breasts being more noticeable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around hunched bevcause of not wanting to be 'snotty' in standing up straight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry because of 'how the world is' today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at myself for not being able to stop my crying that had no clear reason to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit embarrassed by crying infront of A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid while crying with no apparent reason or purpose

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop questioning why do I cry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty within myself towards myself for allowing me to be existing in the mind and be creating-co creating these pains all over my back and body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this day as horrible for what it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because of realizing that there's no point within this life at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable when realizing that I am crying for the loss of myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to cry out of shame and fear of what is to come

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this life as a burden and place it on my back as carrying the world within me instead of standing one and equal to it and just breathing as who and what I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making others feel sad because of seeing me cry or being sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad for no apparent reason

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the unified consciousness field for my crying experience instead of realizing that it is me crying out of exerting a burden

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for not caring about my body and walking around hunched not realizing that my back is hurting because of my position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from expressing myself around others because of not wanting to 'hurt' them and 'ruin' the party for them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less that who I really am and allow me to be sad, angry and cry out of self pity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable for having cried out of the blue

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within regret for not having cared about my body before

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say 'what have I done, what have I become?' and thinking that it's too late to do something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire creating a solution ont realizing that this merely limits and defines myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just BE and stop all the bullshit that leads me to suffer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feelings and emotions with regards to how this world is currently going through and how we all create that because in suffering and being sad, i actually supported suffering in this world

I do not accept and allow myself to co-create suffering within this world, I stop the sadness, i stop carrying around the past as a burden

flat littering

2008-12-23T19:38:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuses as thinking that I'm not being dishonest while I do realize that I am being dishonest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that comments categorized as 'flattering' towards myself are able to change who I am and what i am in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'important' whenever someone points out how 'I am important in their lives' instead of realizing that they are merely talking and describing and taking into consideration the 'who I am' within the mind as who they think and believe and perceive myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately judge people whenever I see that they 'fucked up' as being dishonest not realizing that I am judging myself within the mind, therefore, allowing and existing within thoughts as opinions and perceptions of myself as 'who I want me to be' instead of just being here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'moved' by flattering comments such as being 'attractive' to some people

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to fully see and understand the fact that I cannot and will not define myself according to how I look or how I am visually perceived by anyone's eyes. I see myself as who I really am, not as a picture-image presentation of myself. That is NOT who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get 'confused' as wanting to be self-honest while knowing that I am deeply getting into relationshit fields

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for enjoying flirting with people when it's possible to do so and for having defined me as a delicate flirtatious person

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fuel my personality while having contact with men and spending time with men with whom I could 'be' something 'more' than who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rejoice within the thoughts and ideas that others have created of myself as 'who they think I am' as 'who I used to be' and 'as who I used to define myself' not realizing that I am not my thoughts, my ideas or anything that is created within the mind as the mind. I am merely here as all, breathing as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the imperious need to open everyone's eyes to life, to be the breath not realizing that I cannot do something for someone else if the other one isn't willing to open up themselves to realize what life really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire changing my outside instead of firstly knowing myself as who I am within my thoughts and beliefs about myself as how I have defined myself to be and who I really am within all of this. I am the breath of life, I am here as life as all as one as equal and I do not accept and allow myself to rejoice in the thought of 'who I am' for 'others' as who they think I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having desired having a relationshit with V. long time ago and imagining being 'complete' with someone like him

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think that being in a relationship would help me to personal realization and fulfilling my sole purpose within this world, this life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that the relationship programming as a need for humans is something so ingrained that it's 'tough' to delete from myself.

I delete every single thought and desire to be in a relationship with anyone for the sake of 'being with someone' who 'understands and cares' for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see men as an opportunity to be important, to be noticed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always created my image and presentation in order to be liked and appreciated by men who were the 'kind' of men that I wanted to be liked by

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fond of myself as who I think I am while being with other men and enjoying being flattered instead of realizing that this is merely self interest as ego going for food to keep itself alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define men as a weakness within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tag my 'problem' or 'situation' currently going on as 'men' because of how I have separated myself from men not realizing that I am one and equal to men and I do not accept and allow myself to merely define myself as a woman for 'who I am' within my physical body

I forgive myself that I have always accepted and allowed myself to feel cool when going out with a man that I like physically or mentally - same deal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'nice' when I go out with men that I like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always felt 'cool' because of actually being with the men I wanted to be with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place expectations on men and how 'our relationship could be' merely existing as thoughts, needs and desires of who I am not

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see and define men as a point of stability to create within my life while being, spending and creating my life revolving around a relationship with a man

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it is inevitable to not like a man that I enjoy being with not realizing that I am merely defining my beingness with such being instead of just being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek certain kind of men's attention by trying to fit their taste in the past

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that I liked certain man when i did like them because of not wanting to be too 'obvious' within my 'taste in men'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel attracted towards certain kind of man which I consider to be 'outsiders' and rebels within their world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my programming as wanting a certain kind of 'unusual' relationship with a man who is also 'weird' and 'just like me' so 'we could understand each other'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for creating the experience of seeking for a man to love and define it as draining, tiring, sad and filled with disillusionment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still occupy myself with thougths of meeting a someone whom I could be and spend my life with while supporting each other

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy saying that I have admires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep in mind the fact that someone declared his love to me and that he said I was 'special kind of attractive person'

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be seduced by words that create the idea of myself as being important and unique for/in someone's life

I forgive myself for still wanting and desiring to have a special place in someone's life as being 'unique' and 'important' and 'special'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value and worth to others opinions towards myself as being someone 'important' and 'unique' in their life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take people's words as unconditional not realizing that I am not able to trust blindly in anyone's words. I can only trust myself in self honesty

I do not accept and allow myself to place worth and value in anyone's words towards myself as making compliments or making 'flattering' comments towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse compliments and freak out when listening flattering words coming from others towards myself

Imperative

2008-12-13T07:07:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in my action within this world I'm an imperative person wanting everything and everyone to do as I do, to be as I want them to be therefore, control is being desired

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to raise my voice and speak out of anger when I want people to listen to me and know that I am talking 'the truth' and therefore, it isn't fucking around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become blinded by my own justifications to be imperative such as being self directive when in fact, I'm imposing myself and being aggressive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use aggressiveness as a way to have the focus and attention of people in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be imperative and want to take out 'my truth' every single moment that I'm able to break the illusion by speaking 'the way it is' not realizing that when being with someone else it is about who I am within that moment not the words I speak to bring that 'truth' of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become imperative and angry when realizing that someone is deliberately fucking with themselves therefore, reacting towards their own personal situation instead of me just allowing them to experience their process by themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having harmed A by being too aggressive towards him and being too imperative as in wanting things to go my way and according to my view of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still desire that people follow my example and so, become like me and have the same point of view without realizing that I cannot impose myself onto anyone by force

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become exalted and angry against others for not understanding and/or accepting 'who I am' at this moment within the realization of being one and equal to all and leading life accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link being imperative to being selfish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become angry when someone cannot fathom what I'm trying to say because of not having the same knowledge and information to speak about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated while communicating with someone who isn't aware of process of self forgiveness and the overall process on earth because it seems very 'unknown' to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I'm betraying my family or friends by wanting to be by myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blackmailed into believing that I am selfish and that I don't want to share myself with others
..................................................

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that respect towards people is about respecting and allowing them to have their own beliefs even if these fuck with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that A's girlfriend knows that we were together while she wasn't here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of my actions while being with A while he still has a gf and therefore being part of a cheating situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time with A just because he feels lonely, therefore being with him out of pity at times

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find unbelievable that someone is able to say he loves me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared by compromise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject compromising myself to someone again in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a burden when realizing that 'I'm special for someone' in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special for someone in this world not realizing that this is merely mind considerations of someone's idea of himself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become pissed off when being identified according to what I wear and the 'personality' I own even though I have tried to erase it from me to be identifiable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel offended and completely deny the fact that I might be selfish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad because of A calling me selfish because of me wanting to spend time alone with myself instead of being and spending some time with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bothered whenever he talks about feelings and emotions that make him 'feel alive' not realizing that this is complete system talk and therefore, not life at all

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be kidding myself into believing that he supports life

Art ID

2008-11-23T19:41:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use art as a way of hiding from my surroundings, hiding from others and hiding from what is here to face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fooling myself while creating art instead of being certain of what I'm here expressing as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having used art as a way to identify myself within an opinion of myself in comparison to 'others' in my world as them not being 'artists' or art-makers, therefore, not being 'like me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uplifted whenever I get a notification that someone likes the stuff as 'art' I make

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dumb because of seeing painting as something that I do easily yet, receive congrats on a painting for 'making such a piece of art' and therefore, experiencing disgust towards the 'work of art' definition of something that I express myself within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting recognition from others towards the 'art' I make because of not wanting to be categorized and identified with stuff I make such as art, without realizing that if everything is one and equal with me here then I do not have to limit myself to 'the art I make' in order to identify myself. There is no need to identify ourselves, but only expressing myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking, believing and perceiving that I am able to be 'easily identified' within the 'art' I make because of having a certain 'style' therefore being 'unique/different/original' not realizing that it is merely desires to be 'unique/special' the ones that drove me before and taking me to desire making art

I Forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having used art as 'who I am' and 'what I was made for' excuse for me to identify and define myself as the very idea of myself within this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create most of my relationships within this world related to art instead of realizing that it is myself relating to myself just as any other relationship in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and think that people that are into art are more open-minded than non-art-makers therefore creating separation in thinking that the ones that create/make art are 'more' than the ones that aren't around any artistic expression. {

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire having an identification with a certain-specific way to express and experience myself through the 'creation' of art so I could make and define something as 'me-mine' therefore only creating and forming myself as opinions of 'who I am' within the act of creating and the products thereof

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an opinion as a certain 'choice' of which kind of art to make because of thinking that in doing so I will have a defined taste and expression to be more 'solid' within my own expression not realizing that it was merely sticking to rules and designations of 'what and how it has to be' instead of staying true to myself in every single moment in expressing me in every moment of breath as I am here.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to seek for 'ways' to 'attain' a way, a specific method or process to express myself instead of realizing that I am here, I express myself unconditionally in any way being it through art or not. I do not accept and allow myself to define what I do as 'art' or 'not art' as everything I do as an expression of myself is here in awareness of myself, therefore, it isn't a concept, it isn't a category.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having fooled myself in thinking that I had to take an external substance such as drugs in order to get the inspiration to create art or to be able to 'channel' a certain external influence received from another 'unseen' dimension therefore merely wanting to be special and having a 'talent' that could define me and make me 'more' than others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as someone 'special' due to my likings and preferences and choices to create and make art

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'proud' for being identified as 'an artist' or as someone that 'makes art'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the word 'artist' to define me as who i am and think that it is MORE than being anything else in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and define me according to superiority of mind as definitions and opinions of myself as 'who I am' as an artist, instead of realizing that I'm not a definition, I am not a concept, I am not a category, I just am Here

ObeY

2008-11-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

OBEDIENCE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as being 'obedient' and following rules that are imposed to me by 'the authority'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'breaking the laws/rules' in fear of losing my definition as 'being obedient' therefore, being a 'good person' that 'follows the rules'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR and believe in the fear that if I 'break the rules' as not being obedient to them is something 'bad' for me and that I am able to lose credibility towards others such as parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my current 'allowances' within the relationship with my 'parents' and fear 'breaking their rules' because it would mean that I could lose their 'trust' they've deposited/created towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to always be 'obedient' to anyone or anything that creates and sets a 'rule to follow' thinking that this makes me an actual 'better somenoe' or that it takes me through a 'safe road'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to break the rules and the impositions by the 'authority' within my world such as parents or teachers or school or 'the system' in fear of losing my current stability, comfort and the projection of being 'trust worthy' towards others as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being 'trust worthy' towards the authority figures within my world, thinking that this creates an 'easy stage' for me to walk through

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my comfort zones, my parent's trust towards myself if they knew that I'm breaking one of their rules as 'not seeing that particular someone' just because they don't want me to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as always being obedient towards my parents and therefore, submitting myself to their established rules

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'not following rules' as a way of rebelling myself, not realizing that it isn't about following or not but seeing what's best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my 'benefits' from having 'parent's trust' and fearing losing it if they knew that I have been lying to them in order to do something that they wouldn't actually 'support' me to do

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disobedient and fear disappointing my parents, not realizing that I am not able to disappoint anyone here but myself as all as one and therefore, the fear of disappointment isn't towards parents but for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parent's systematic reactions if I were to disobey them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents because of them reacting in extreme anger when it comes to me talking about relationships with people they 'don't like'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take personally their disapproval of people I go out with instead of realizing it has to do with themselves and their experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'being obedient' is 'good quality' that has defined me throughout my life, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that If I were to be 'disobedient' to certain rules imposed by the authority, I would lose part of my self definition, not realizing it isn't real anyways

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear PUNISHMENT out of breaking the rules and being disobedient

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confrontation and conflict if my parents were to know that I have been 'disobedient'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to fully realize that I am an adult and I no longer have to stick to rules imposed by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my father's monetary support IF he would ever withdraw it because of me 'not following his rules' and his 'plan' for myself within the life they want me to have, the people they want me to be with and the 'someone' they want me to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be one and equal to my parents, but instead define them as the 'enemy' that I must defeat and go against and fear because of them apparently having more 'power' over myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father's reaction and fearing him getting angry and disappointed if he knew that 'I went back' with A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother's reactions and fearing her being angry and disappointed at myself because of her knowing that I am back with A again as friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give room and head to thoughts of fearing parents due to old conditioning and situations within the past where I experienced 'extreme fear' due to them knowing that I was being with someone 'they didn't approve'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disobedient towards my parents approval of someone to be in my life or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually give room inside myself to think that my parents are able to decide for me according to their idea of 'what's best for me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still think, believe and perceive that because I depend on my parents financially, I must stick to their rules

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that MONEY is an issue that still traps me within following authority due to economic dependence on parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that as long as I depend on my father's money, I have to follow parent's rules and do what they want me to do

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I'm enslaved to their desires and wants to be fulfilled by me according to the idea/concept they want me to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still act like a little girl for some things and want to be a grown up for others according to how the situation 'suits' me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lock myself and deny my self as being fearful because of not wanting to 'lose' my parents support and fear being 'punished' in any possible way

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instead keep myself in a status quo as being 'in good terms' with parents instead of actually being honest with myself and do what I want to do without hiding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being misunderstanding 'what do I have to stand for' within this situation, fear of being interested on 'self preservation' by wanting to be friends with someone who isn't 'approved' by parents

2008-11-02T11:27:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear towards parents as authority, therefore existing in inferiority towards them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear them knowing that I see A because of them being able to 'ban him' out of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that they are able to tell me what to do and what not to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in anxiety whenever I know that 'I must get home' and I'm with A even though I'm few houses away from my house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'standing up' to my parents and allowing me to be more free as being able to go out with whoever I want to go out with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous and anxious and fear even telling my parents about me being friends with A again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that others are able to be an authority to me, not realizing that it is merely my perception of parents as authority over me and my decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'affecting them' by knowing what I'm currently doing and going out with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my parents might tell me that i am not able to see A ever again because of 'who he is' not realizing that no one is able to tell me what to and what not to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear them not allowing me to go out at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be paranoid about this whole situation without realizing that If I don't stop the fear towards this, it'll manifest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous whenever I know that 'my parents don't know that I'm here' therefore, being anxious looking at cellphone to see if they have called me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get quite anxious when knowing that it is almost 'time' to go home, therefore, fearing they might call me and wait me outside the door

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted by being overprotected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overprotected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to my parent's will towards who I am supposed to be with and who am I supposed to be with not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be carrying the 'traumatic experience' when they saw me with my ex boyfriend G. and threatened me to not allow me to go to mexico city if they ever saw me with him again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by fears of 'not being able to do something anymore' because of not obeying to my parent's rules and wishes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be conditioned by fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be free because I'm not able to go visit A whenever I want without fearing and having to make an excuse to tell my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked by parents if they know that I'm seeing A again

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to lose 'my parent's trust' because of them knowing that I've been lying to them to go see A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'good with myself' when I do what my parents want me to do and stick to their rules

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rebel against their rules because of fear of what they might 'do' in order to ground me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making my parents mad and angry for them knowing that I'm seeing A. again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all their disapproval for A. has nothing to do with A or me but with themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'tied' to parents because of 'doing what they want me to do'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure to stand up towards my parents and tell them that I'm seeing A. again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'defending' myself if they start nagging about me seeing A. again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by what my parents may think If they know that I'm seeing A. again, fear that they think I'm 'stupid' for "going back" to him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all this has nothing to do with my parents but with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for not being able to tell my parents where I am really going to because of them not being able to know that I'm going to see A. because of them hating A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'locked' by not being able to go out with who I really want to go out with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'what might happen to me' if they know that I'm seeing A. again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I'm not able to tell the truth with regards to my current situation with A. towards my parents because of them not 'understanding' and therefore not being able to be open about this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in plain fear to speak about A. towards parents in fear that they won't allow me going out anymore or will start calling me every hour to know where I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frightened of what might happen if parents know that I'm seeing A. again.

I forgive mysef that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others view's on my decisions.

2008-10-23T04:58:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious in dream because of not being able to tell my parents that I was going to visit A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'concerned' in my dream on how to go out of home in order to be able to see A

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable and not wanting to go to see A because of seeing that his mother had arrived

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bummed by A's mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious because of not being able to tell parents that I'm seeing A again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear making A being waiting

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and be infatuated with the idea of seeing A because it seems that he is quite fond of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I can be 'punished' for seeing A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that mother gets to know that I'm seeing A again and scolds me or tells me what not to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be remorseful and retaliate towards my mother whenever she yelled at me and got angry for not wanting me to see A, therefore conditioning myself as to 'not see A again without her permission' not realizing that I'm not controlled by anyone's apParent authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous and fearing parents knowing that I'm with A while dreaming of being with A hiding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide what is it that I'm doing such as seeing A

OH that's difficult apparently because this would mean that I cannot hide anymore.

2008-10-17T16:34:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone/lonely and therefore want to be with someone to share myself with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry over a past relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be waiting for him to call me or look for me so we can spend some time together

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being with him again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be numbed by this desire and experience myself as unable to do anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become' unstable' the moment I saw him once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable because of crying over a relationships that doesn't exist anymore as the one I had with A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I need him/ need to see him .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I need someone else to fulfill me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear just telling my parents that I am going to be 'friends' with A once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'weak' to tell this to them

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the wrong decision in deciding 'going out' or hanging out with A once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that without a friend I'm miserable, lonely and sad

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I'm not able to be alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire re-living my past within the relationship with A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire so bad listening to his music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only think that my parents are the problem with me actually seeking A once again

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want me to seek him, but want HIM to seek for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only exist in fears towards my parents and what they might think or say if I tell them that I'm going out with A once again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I desperately need 'human contact'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek A as a human contact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hesitating and doing nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperately lonely today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that something/someone must fulfill me instead of realizing that I am all, I need no fulfilling, only the mind needs a relationship to exist

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to suppress the 'pain' of leaving relationships behind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to go out with someone/ be with someone desperately

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone not realizing that I'm all one and therefore, I can't be alone

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the mind and fall once again into desires to be with someone, just to be with someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss 'past times' which is completely unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tormented by the memory of being with A listening to his music in his house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yearn past moments with A being with him in his house watching the sky

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yearn the moments when we used to be together doing nothing, just being together

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still be enslaved to memories of relationship with A

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel it's a torture to have him few meters away, yet not 'able' to see him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and my desires to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'tempted' by having opened a new 'contact' with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become unstable because of knowing that he's in his house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want him to call me

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to deem as 'too difficult' or 'impossible' to just forget about it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because of all these feelings still existing within me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate because of not being able to just be and instead, going around in circles with the thought of 'A is near me' in the head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself just because of my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my uncle and aunts would say if they see that I'm going to his house once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what the neighbors could say because of seeing that I go to A's house once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about these things with regards to 'what others may think or believe or perceive' because of me not being sure about myself within this situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define A as the perfect companion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I'm just holding myself back because of fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even think that I could give the back to my self and go with the flow wanting to be with someone

this is not so thus I stop

Protection

2008-10-16T05:14:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire protecting myself from 'external influences' that might've hurt me within emotions and feelings according to what I deemed as 'offensive' towards myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having developed my defense mechanism in means of protecting my self definition, my ego as who I believed and perceived myself to be ever since I was a child

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use mother/teachers as authority, or any other authority as a synonym of 'protection'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that I need to be protected not realizing that this entails the very manifestation of fear within life as 'having to be protected' because of fearing being hurt, therefore experiencing the fears because of desiring to be protected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having developed a 'hard shell' as a 'tough personality' just to use it as a shield towards people that could hurt me, therefore making believe-kidding myself into thinking, believing and perceiving/deceiving that in that way, I would show to others that it didn't affect me, not realizing that I was merely existing within and as a defense mechanism of the mind and suppressing myself as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a man for 'protection'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in security systems for 'protection' from possible assaults or robberies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'safe' within a place that apparently has 'protection' as policemen and guards etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of life insurance the moment I think of protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the very manifestation of 'protection' towards water, wanting to 'save the world' by not using that much water

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in the very act of 'protecting' means that I am fearing, therefore, that I am merely surviving and fearing a future of being 'not protected- unguarded' therefore being 'vulnerable'-open to being hurt, harmed, etc

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be 'protected' towards any emergency that may arise, not realizing that in this I'm declaring: I am waiting for something to happen to me so I can be 'ready' for it

I forgive myself that I haven'ta ccepted and allowed myself to realize and see how much I am 'protecting' myself from the external world and in doing so, fearing the external world seeing it as a 'dangerous' place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect me' from that which drives me to do things, therefore, being protecting my ego as self definition and self preservation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use protection as 'trusting someone else' in separation of myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define protection as safe sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unprotected and therefore, being open-vulnerable to being harmed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having defended my beliefs therefore, protecting them within a cage where 'no one would enter' so I could keep myself within a personality definition of the mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having written my journals almost always in english so I could protect myself from my mother reading them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a 'bad handwriting' in means of it being a protection from others easily reading my school notes and journals and stuff because I didn't want to share

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect myself' from people in the street wearing certain clothes that will make me 'less vulnerable' to men's sights

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see parents as 'protection' as a safeguard that will 'come to rescue me' if I'm ever in 'trouble'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define family as 'protection' as a back up if I need any help economically or as support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear therefore, thinking believing and perceiving that I need protection from outside world

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that in existing within all of the manifested protection/defense system/mechanism, I am not living and I am merely defending, controlling and protecting myself within an environment because of fears that aren't even real but created by the mind as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a cellphone as 'protection' knowing that I can call anyone if something happens to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'protected' by having the keys to any house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a house as the manifestation of protection from the 'outside world'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my ego within self definitions that I took as 'flag' to defend myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to protect myself from the 'hostility' of the world by adapting myself and creating myself in the image and likeness of the outside world, therefore being fearful and paranoid in my past

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop habits of 'safety' towards my own protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect me' from illnesses by eating well instead of eating only to nurture my human physical bodies

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that many activities that I develop through the day are linked towards the 'protection'/defense mechanism that I have accepted and allowed to take over in situations and every day life, instead of realizing that I have to stop living in fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect' my self interests not realizing that within this I am merely protecting the ego of the mind as self definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being 'protected' as having immunity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of protection as not being able to be harmed, injured or hurt in any way either physically or emotionally therefore not realizing that I cannot be hurt, harmed or injured by an 'external source' but only myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not wearing protections to drive a bike

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the safety belt as a protection towards car crashes, therefore, manifesting fear of death

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that within the protection system I am manifesting fear of death, fear of 'who I am' within definitions of myself as a system.

I do not need to protect myself within self definitions as patterns that I've developed throughout my life as 'who I am' as being 'safe', 'secure' and 'protected'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling 'protected' by having enough money in the shelf

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having existed within and as beliefs and perceptions of being protected by any kind of white light 'brother' in my past

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use 'god' as a defense/protection mechanism, by placing trust in someone/something greater than me in means of protection, therefore, existing within and as fear

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to protect myself from being 'offended' or 'harmed' by using words that wouldn't create reactions on another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use protection towards myself in the most subtle ways and defining it as being 'precautionary' in precarious situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever carry amulets in means of 'protecting myself' from evil vibes or spirits or whatever lol

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to trust in something 'unseen' that would be protecting me from any external harm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my 'property' therefore, existing in fear of losing it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that protection entails fear of loss as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I cannot survive in this world IF I am not protected in enough either physically or 'mentally' therefore, not realizing that life has been the manifestation of survival and defending ourselves within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fears therefore, developing defense/protection as fat around the body

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to protect me as self preservation for the future, instead of realizing that all that exists is the moment therefore, all worries and concerns of the future aren't real and are system manifestations that I have accepted and allowed to become the very manifestation of myself within the mask of having 'precaution'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having developed a 'hostile and dark' personality in my teenage years because of realizing how 'vulnerable' I could be as being easily hurt within feelings therefore, using this 'tough image' as a shelter of people that would deliberately want to harm me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a personality as a protection/defense mechanism in order to survive in this world and not feel 'exposed' so I could be attacked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having used a created identity in order to protect myself, protect my 'inner me' from others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust in the mind's defense mechanisms such as crying or expressing any kind of emotion or feeling because of apparently not being able to 'handle' the situation in that moment myself, therefore experiencing such rifts within me where I allowed the systems to take over me instead of me directing me in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for protecting myself in isolation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first think of 'security' and ways of 'protection' before making a decision of going, making, doing anything to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more 'protected' when I'm walking in the streets with a male

I forgive myself for having ever used males only as means of protection towards other people/other males

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that a woman needs more 'protection' than a male

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use justifications in order to keep protecting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see protection as the 'way of living' in this world because of existing in fear of the world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to see having a 'backup' of money as protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define money as a 'weapon' as a defense/protection mechanism as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'protect me' by going out with enough money for anything that may come up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as being precautionary being, not realizing that this entails fear as a lifestyle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my defense/protection mechanism by creating it as a 'reasonable/logic' way of living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow patterns of parents towards protection because of fearing being vulnerable in any way

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use masks as personalities of the mind in means of protecting myself from 'other masks' that I deemed as being superior/more powerful than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire protecting my 'reputation' as a personality of mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe or perceive that I have to protect my family's interests as my own interests as the 'family name'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my integrity within morality rules and polarity of the mind as how the system works and operates

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that using protection 'is the way to live'

Life is here as all as one as equal, thus life doesn't require any kind of protection as who I really am as Life isn't able to be harmed, violated, hurt, injured, robbed, killed or any other kind of 'offensive' behaviour/act towards myself.

2008-10-10T16:56:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide from the actual truth of myself, from what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as wanting to be always right and always having the 'right' answer for everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that wanting to hide is merely desiring self preservation as what I still deem to be a 'good quality' within me as perceived intelligence by the mind which is useless in self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I'm being 'too stupid' the moment I ask obvious questions, the moment I already know the answer but think, believe or perceive that I'm able to get some mind perspective to entertain myself this is complete separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from people I deem as being lascivious and lustful not realizing, I am them, and by judging I am supporting the creation of this reality and my experience within it, therefore I STOP I do not accept and allow myself to still desire wanting to blame others for my experience instead of realizing: I am ALL I create my reality here within thoughts, therefore I stop thoughts to stop myself within this reality as what I experience currently

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to feel inferiority towards others because of opportunities they get to travel to SA

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined now by a desire to go to SA

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others that have already gone to the farm and thinking, believing and perceiving that they are 'ahead' of me, not realizing this isn't about being 'more' or 'further' in process, but about me realizing myself as here, therefore this isn't defined by anything or anyone but myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted adn allowed myself for ever having experienced frustration and anger when having to wait for something to happen in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having ever gotten angry and frustrated when friends didn't arrive to our meetings 'on time' therefore, acting all angry and frustrated and mad at them because of them not having been 'on time'

I forgive myself tha tIhave accepted and allowed myself to define me as being sour at times when things 'wont' go my way'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel manipulated and feel completely frustrated while having to wait for someone to arrive in one meeting, because of feeling wasting time, not realizing, I'm always here, there's no time to lose

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to ever feel used when having me waiting for long time and people nto giving a damn about it

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to always having thought or perceived that I wasn't 'important' to others therefore, belittling myself constantly and continuously

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire shooting or shouting at people in front of my house that are praying like parrots to a lifeless image

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge 'others' stupidity, not realizing, I am also them, so I stop judgment towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem people as dumb for trusting an image as god

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as falling back to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire shutting people off when they are praying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become frustrated and experience anger while hearing people pray

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become extremely frustrated at myself for just wanting to be eating and not being able to stop myself apparently

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally LIVE the Self forgiveness corrective application as me here, and instead judge and blame me for not doing so and in doing so, compounding my self dishonesty.

I STOP!!!!!!!1

self judgment while asking

2008-10-10T16:42:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within questions and doubts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always wanted to 'know the answers' and 'be right' on everything

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I am actually placing limitations and definitions on myself within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that who I am is able to define 'right and wrong' not realizing this is only the mind creating separation within what's here as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having ever experienced embarrassment and shame in my life when I asked something that had an obvious answer, and therefore, thinking believing and perceiving that I was too stupid in that moment to not see

this happened today, lol what an big DUH i had

I forgive myself that I Haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I too doubt myself and I have questions that need perspectives to allow me to see what is it that I'm still doubting and wanting to maintain within self definitions of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that by not being HERE I make silly questions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self judgment whenever I ask something that has an obvious answer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be fascinated by the answers the mind may have to enhance itself instead of seeing in self honesty that the answer is already within me

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to still doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this 'wise' quote from einsteing I guess saying that 'it is of wise men to ask' or something like that, therefore asking and sometimes not seeing that the answer is already implied here

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to sometimes desire obtaining specific knowledge or information only to feed the mind, instead of stopping in self honesty here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustration wheenever I haven't been able to see a point within myself for myself

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to desire having always the answer and being right

I forgive myself that Ih ave accepted and allowed myself to see my own questions as failures

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to not laugh of failures and instead go into self judgment and repent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make 'such a big deal' out of all these questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that questioning myself within the mind as the mind will get me 'somewhere' in process

I forgive myself that I haven't realized and accepted that all is already here as me, i stop the wondering, I stop the fascination in mind processes, I stop the phenomena within holographic projections through the eyes, I stop myself from 'wondering' within the mind

Eli tist

2008-10-07T07:06:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created a personality for myself according to how I wanted to be perceived/defined by others, and therefore, treat me and consider me accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever buy things for my own visual pleasure and also to get, later on, recognition from others by perceiving those things as 'beautiful'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want recognition from others towards that which I own as myself or objects or anything else

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always desire being 'different' by owning 'special clothes' and stuff that not so many could find

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become pissed off anytime anyone would copy anything to me, because of wanting to preserve my apparent 'authenticity' and 'uniqueness'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see who I am behind this wanting and needing for recognition

I see i've got dark circle around my eyes, quite a long time since I haven't had that and I Know why is that, being 'challenged' by someone in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become used to 'being the best' at everything and in thinking, believing and perceiving so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'challenged' when facing myself with someone else who I deem as being 'better than me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever participate in competitions, in comparison towards others in means of 'winning' of 'being the best'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still perceive me as being 'special' and having luck in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my arrogance towards people when I deemed them as 'stupid' or 'non worthy' according to past definitions and considerations towards others as myself

I forgive myself that I have always accepted and allowed myself to make sure I'm 'the best' to make sure that no one else is ahead of me mainly at school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others and their application at school according to their abilities and skills and comparing them to myself constantly and continuously

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that some people get jealous of my effectiveness not realizing, this is my OWN perception therefore my own judgment and desire to even be cared of

I forgive myself that I haven't yet accepted and allowed myself to do things for me and by me only, not wanting needing or desiring any kind of recognition from others /good or bad doesn't matter, as long as they take me into consideration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that everyone's got a certain 'perception' of myself because I deem myself as being 'outstanding' and being remembered by many people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out according to these 'hidden' desires towards my self preservation as who I believe myself to be and according to an application throughout my entire life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that mostly girls are jealous of me - lol lol fuck how did I get here?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having developed a superiority/inferiority complex according to the situation I experienced, according to how I 'moved' myself within my life and the people I was with

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally accept ALL as me, one and equal, instead being still separating myself from others due to who I / THey believe themselves to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'giving advices' to people according to my own 'morals' which only show that I still have preconceptions/ideas of what is to face here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist within and as concern of my current situation instead of doing something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always perceived that many were jealous of me throughout my entire life, and in believing so, blaming their 'bad vibes' as the reason of why shit presented in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to having privileges, to be noticed, to be treated in a different way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want 'special treatment' when being in a crowd

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that I have been elitist and that I have separated myself from others according to their social status and according to how I perceive myself to be amongst others -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my own continuous applications, still allowing me to function this way instead of immediately stopping and not allowing me to go any further into this misconceptions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always desire getting 'the special place' I think, believe and perceive I deserve in people's lives

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that i was 'one of a kind'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel disillusioned the moment I discovered that there are millions like me, lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think believe and perceive that I had 'something' particular that not so many had

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'making a difference' from the ego starting point instead of being the 'difference' from releasing the ego and considering, being and living myself as one and equal with all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to having 'good stuff' around me

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that only when I have 'no choice' I will accept all and live one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the manifestation of 'specialness'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I was defending my perceived 'specialness' all the time in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being 'original' as being 'like no other' never realizing that it is all from mind perception that there could be such individuality, I am one and equal to all as all and till here no further: I do not accept and allow myself to still fall into the 'being special' trap/crap

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to acquire the ability to judge people according to their social status from my mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire wanting to find a reason or someone to blame on to my application as an elitist, not realizing that I placed this as myself and created it for myself

I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to first judge someone by the amount of money they had, how they lived, how their family was like and then, be able to be 'their friend'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having judged people for being 'elitist' with their friends never realizing that I did the same and I felt 'good' while being around people that thought just like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that only certain kind of people should prevail in this world , as the more 'adapted' ones, never realizing this is mind separation coming from occidental view of 'development' and civilization - the more adapted ones are the ones that live in order with nature, so I would surely be eliminated lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape myself according to my own wants, needs and desires to be fulfilled amongst certain people of my choice and wanting to please them within that which I knew 'they would dig/like'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in separation from others by immediately judging their appearance not because of 'looks' but because of how much those clothes are worth - it's even WORST!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become used to judging the 'class' of someone by their clothes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being defined by the 'quality' of clothes I wear, or others wear

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that someone to be my 'friend' had to be more or less in the same social range as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in social classes, creating separation because of money which divides and enslaves us all

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for having judged people who I deemed as elitist and being 'snotty' not realizing that I was hiding that same behaviour behind the 'cool' and ' I accept all' behaviour/mask

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed for what I've just realized of myself here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever feel 'ashamed', secretly ashamed of who I was and the family I had because I deemed it as being a reason to be 'ashamed of'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be extensively affected, developing inferiority that time when father got in a bad deal losing lots of money, therefore, feeling sad by not having had the same amount of money we used to and living in a restricted way

I forgive myself that I then placed trust and desire to 'get things back to normal' and praying to a god

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it was 'god's miracle' that father recovered in his business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so used to nothing being absent in the table to eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my clothes for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this bed for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my family's financial support for granted and something 'they must do'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider me as being 'very spoiled' girl in the family

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take my life for granted, life as the breath here as ALL i REally am.

I do not accept and allow myself to be impressed by money

I do not accept and allow myself to care about the amount of money someone owns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place resistance towards money talks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to see the actual truth of myself towards money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'money solves it all' not realizing that money is but a convention and it's inexistent

inspecting trust

2008-10-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'I will go backwards' If I experience myself again with a male in my world

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to still be defining me according to who I was in the past and placing it as a 'background' for the future to come

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I still have 'much to live' with regards to my experience with another one walking along with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give head to future projections and expectations of how I will be living and how the 'future' will be playing out for me, not realizing that in doing so, I'm not living here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having placed my trust in partners and past relationships because of how I deemed that 'they would never cheat on me' because I had placed trust on them, therefore,

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire 'being payed' with the same coin by me placing trust on people and wanting people to trust me back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in being dishonest with others in an indirect way as being part of a cheating moment with another one therefore, breaking trust points within another as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only now see that I experienced myself as being safe within trust points in a relationship..

ok I'll expand this in my yournal.

tired of desire

2008-10-04T06:48:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely and wanting, desiring some kind of contact with another person with whom I can communicate with face to face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it it's been too long since being with someone in a sexual way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a desire a confirmation that "I am alive" by having some kind of contact with a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustration by not being able to be with someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel being tired of desiring

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire defining my current experience in a certain mood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself within past relationships as being happy and fulfilled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will simply not be able to forget him at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I'm not able to completely detach from him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep regret and rancor towards parents because of them never accepting my relationship with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel anger and rancor towards anyone that has criticized me for being with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being back in vulnerability and back in fear because of just giving this etching to him. AH this is stupid really

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely stupid by gazing out my window just to see if I see him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be directed by the mind to do and make things that certainly just keep me bound to memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I need someone or something to be with today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a self pity face because of my desires to be with him or someone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel incapable of meeting new people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I won't be able to have fun again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because of apparently going to be alone for the rest of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having fun just as others talk about having fun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire going back to the time when I was blissful in my ignorance, not realizing this is just bullshit here, going back to not living at all but merely playing the part in the role I created for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to right now have a sappy face because of thinking that I desperately need someone to be with, to talk with etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that if I see that particular man with another one I will feel 'bad'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separate from past men in my life, not realizing I am one and equal to them, I just haven't allowed myself to not be defined by those past relationships

I stop all desires of the mind to make me go seeking a contact, a bond, an attachment to hold on to

I do not accept and allow myself to keep seeking for 'perfect match' for me to experience myself with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always been just interested in being with men I was attracted to in a strong or slight way, otherwise, there was no interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create interest in a person not realizing that this is merely declaring that I am not accepting a part of myself as myself and instead, go seeking it somewhere else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel such a fool by wondering and existing in past right now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find myself a purpose in this life as sharing my art with people I used to be with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of sex while knowing that others are having sex

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself and suppress myself within this thoughts and desires.

No more, I'm tired of this really.

till here no further.

A

2008-10-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I made a mistake in putting that etching in A's mail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire any kind of recognition of my current activity as making etchings by A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it was 'weak' from me wanting to give that etching to A in his mailbox

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give it to him because he likes my drawings

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that there isn't a bond anymore with us

why did I put that etching in his mailbox? Because he'd suggested me to share some music and leaving it in his mailbox. I've got no "new" music to share so I decided to just drop an etching in his mailbox. After all I don't mean to awaken anything by it, just want him to have it ... why? because he appreciates art and that's it. Am I justifying myself? could be, could be not. Really I'm just torturing myself with expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations with regards to A's reactions and wondering what he will think when he sees the etching

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider this very act of putting that etching in his mailbox as a weakness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable now that he acknowledges the fact that i wanted him to see my etching

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having all those secrets within me as still not being able to completely forget about him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and exist in uncertainty and doubt towards any reaction, not realizing that I shouldn't care on reactions/expectations but only what is certain, which is he will have it and that's it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'good' knowing that his mother will be going back to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustration by not being able to talk to him and know how he's really doing

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still care about him, how he's doing and about his current health state

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place 'hope' in him liking the etching instead of just giving it unconditionally, sharing it, that's it no big deal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over analyze the simple act of sharing instead of just doing it, without seeking any specific consequences or aftermath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel melancholic towards the specific moments in the past where I used to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire bringing back moments that doesn't exist anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire seeing him just to 'prove' myself and my reactions towards him still

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the mind's 'last resort' in keeping me attached to someone of this world in such a strong way that doesn't allow me to just BE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that such a bond is strong not realizing, really it isn't strong it's just the mind's last resort therefore it intensifies it to keep it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward with regards to my past and the relationship with A and people knowing about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what others think or have to say with regards to my 'relationship' with A going back and forth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an event that will keep me waiting or expecting an 'answer' a confirmation that he got it or any other comment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do this just to feel alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do such a thing as a statement of 'I'm here, I still exist, I want to share"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely stupid at this very moment for creating anxiety and nervousness by doing something by my own hand.

Let's just be

2008-09-26T16:47:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone on friday afternoon

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat out of boredom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember leonardo and the times we used to be together every friday afternoon drinking coffee and strolling around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward in my own physical body today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I need a purpose to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience confrontation with 'mother' because of her fearing me going to SA next year

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire listening to A's music

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a stranger in the city, in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that just being sitting watching a movie is a 'waste of time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not doing all I have to do to be effective in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit sad because of not having someone to talk with, to really communicate with but myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss 'old friends' because at least I could talk with them about my stuff

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I ever really communicated and was intimate with friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to ignore passing in front of a's house and realizing that I am deliberately ignoring him. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still look up his window

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as 'sadness' without realizing that it is but a perception of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in anything outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place hope and concern in getting money to go to SA next year

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire listening to his music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that because we both are alone, we should be together

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to my mind's wondering about A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel I am wasting my time extensively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am wasting myself at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose the meaning of creating something like art

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fill my life with little 'must do's' and unimportant things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about money for a future moment to be able to go to SA

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special for being in private forum not realizing that I got myself in there and I am applying and that's it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'too far away' from people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my 'mother' saying that I am isolating myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not even imagine me being with someone intimate again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to 'mother's' perception of me never getting married.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discontent with myself at the moment, it is but a moment and it is because I'm not here but going up in the mind wondering about my past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember leonardo while walking the same road we used to take to go to the cafe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire knowing what past friends are currently up to.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to depend on the existence of those 'friends' to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that others are having 'much more fun' than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget who I really am and sink in mind thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I exist here alone as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that i cannot possibly spend my life alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward with regards to the physical body I exist within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem impossible to be with someone whom I can absolutely be intimate and communicate with in the same way.

Loop in dream

2008-09-20T06:44:00.001-07:00

Fuck .. the dreams betray part 2 once again... after exactly 10 days same situation, same scenario and me not standing up why?? because I get enrolled within the whole romance and kissing and being together with the exact same person.

And worst thing is that I knew I was just delightful in dream because well, A and I were together again, yes crappy deal again but this time in my twisted mind I tried to 'arrange' as if he was aware of process and so we were going to be in an agreement and so we were going to be just 'happy' together lol... that is clearly a dream but the deal is that I was dreaming that almost at the time I had to wake up and I clearly, consciously ditched the cellphone/vibrating alarm clock and decided to go back to such dream because I was enjoying myself just being with A again and all happy and blablalbla. What is clearly going on within me that this is a dream loop? hmm and I just not only dreamed of A but also about this guy I've dreamed before E. and I just don't know why--- maybe because I clearly once defined him as a cool, kicked back and settled guy. I dream he was here with me staying at home (he's not from this city) and he even was going to take a shower and we were 'something' but not a relationship. . . but I found myself still a bit attracted to him but at the same time cool because we were supporting each other in a way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire want and need to linger to the 'kissing' with A because of my suppressed desires to do so every time I was with him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to exist and continue suppressing myself towards my desires to kiss A whenever I was with him because of him not liking to kiss people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be and become jealous whenever A told me that he'd kissed other girls

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be hurt by A telling me his stories of him being with other women with whom he would kiss and hug and do all that he rarely did with me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to despise A because of him never doing with me what he did with other girls

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still exist within and as the desire for him and for him to be 'ok ' and aware of process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream that he is aware of process and we are going through it together but also enjoying ourselves as a couple once again

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'we were a couple' when in fact this never wasn't true as we never settled 'what we were'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine and picture and live myself within the dream as being happy andjoyful and 'complete' again because of being back with A with a 'new' A that is past all depression and anxieties and fears and is ready to go through process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for being aware of wanting and desiring to 'go back' to sleep because of being dreaming about kissing and hugging with A once again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my current dreams and my current experience towards this dream as being ashamed and feeling a 'loop' within myself for not standing up in the dream

I stand up I DO NOT ACCEPT AND ALLOW MYSELF TO KEEP DREAMING IN EVER GOING BACK with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy myself within a dream and desire to keep generating these images within and as my mind to 'live' that which I wasn't able to live in real life and that which kept me bounded and suffering

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of kissing as the ultimate act of 'love' lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still desire to still be loved and cared and kissed by males

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be suppressing my inner most desires to be with someone, to seek and search for a potential agreement

That is unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use one man to make another one jealous

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I did was attracted to E. and I never quite realized this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire E to quit weed and him becoming aware of process because I deem him as an 'intelligent' and 'settled' guy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of E as a mature, responsible and nice guy

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to constantly dream of E because of all the suppressed feelings and emotions I had and experienced while being with him, but hid them because of deeming it all as 'not possible'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and having been a 'flirt' girl with E. because I wanted him to like me because I liked him back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually care and appreciate the moments I experienced with E. because of him being patient and easy going

I forgive myself that I ever desire doing something with him all the times that I stayed at his home or he stayed at mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as memories of going out with E. because of it being a 'cool friendship' if it was so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder how's E doing these days

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having freaked out E. the moment I told him about desteni

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all these ideas and perceptions of who E. is or was are not real and therefore, I STOP all mind perceptions towards something or someone of my past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in dream to desire being with E. because of me perceiving him as settled down

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see A as one and equal with me, therefore, still existing in suppressed desire to be with him

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see E. as one and equal with me, therefore, still existing within and as the desire, curiosity of being with him and seeing how he's been doing lately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been secretly 'liking' E. all these years without anyone knowing about it for certain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire suppressing my experience towards E. because of deeming it as 'impossible' and because of wanting to not 'fuck' the relationship by expressing myself towards him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire having a relationship and a sexual encounter with E.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get extremely drunk and high with E and even so, regretting never doing something with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not ever having kissed or being with E. in a more "intimate way"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire E and being with E. also to make my 'relationship partners' jealous whenever E. came to the city

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel extremely attracted to E. when seeing him again in the city, not mattering that I was then G's gf.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire visiting and seeing E because of the curiosity of knowing how he's doing lately

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be attracted to E. because of him being a 'problem' guy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept me as common sense and 'intelligence' that I saw and experienced with E.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to 'cheat' within my mind towards the guys I used to be with while being and thinking of E.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to not SEE that E. probably liked me and I liked him back though we never acted out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see E. as a very cool being with whom i could be with in an agreement with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that I would end up with a guy that likes deftones as much as I do and E. definitely is a deftones hardcore fan, lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider E. as an opportunity to be with someone who I could consider as being 'more intelligent' than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see E. as being 'more' than me within and as intelligence of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now desire seeing E. in a future concert to see how he's doing.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think of E as being a 'considerate' guy and a 'patient' guy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see him as being 'tender' with his little dog, therefore, thinking, believing and perceiving that he is just a sensitive being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted to the confidence he reveals within himself, not realizing that it is actually a shield to protect himself because of him actually being vulnerable to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impressed with E's abilities to solve computer problems

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being of the likes of E. because I deemed he only liked 'pretty girls' and i deemed myself as not being a pretty girl

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by E. because of not being a 'pretty' girl for him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deny my perceptions towards E. in fear of being rejected or in fear of breaking the friendship we had

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep myself secretly being liking E whenever I experienced myself with him.

Dreams betray

2008-09-10T05:05:00.000-07:00

my freaky dream revealing the twisted possibilities existing in my mind. I dreamed of A and that we were back together and... let's say that we were all happy together and more 'row mantic' than ever etc . . . I woke up with the sensation of ahh fuck that man again in my dreams... though I knew there was something 'worse' than just being back with him. lol and so while making my bed it popped up : going back with him meant smoking again oh shit and I clearly remember how I smoked it out of 'happyness' or something and fuck, I really wasn't aware of myself in that dream at all that's what it surprises me because I had usually been quite aware while acting and moving myself in dream. This time, nope, fell completely into it again. In the dream I 'fell' in love again lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream of falling in love again with A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive myself as being 'happy' again with A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'fall in love' again with that same man all over again thinking, believing and perceiving that this time, things could 'change'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep this idea in the back of my head as a 'possibility' that was brought up in a dream

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at myself for still having any kind of dream on A because it means 'I'm not completely over him yet'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become unpatient because I would like to be able to forget him already

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for still having 'secrets' to myself such as these desires to go back to A or smoke weed again linked to 'blissful' moments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that I was only happy when I was with A

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel supported by A to continue making my 'art' and I was his to continue making music

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having become dependent on his comments and his 'value' on to what I did as art work

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to picture us together living together creating like a couple of artists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to picture A as a vivid lover in dream not realizing that he was rarely acting like that in real life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'idealize' the situation by thinking believing and perceiving that this time, it would be 'different'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to smoke a puff of weed in the dream and until later in the dream realizing that I had broken my no weed process

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to break my own law, to break my own statements because of A being back with me and with that, my 'whole past ways' back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even think of possibly going back to him in a dream, that is COMPLETELY unacceptable

Really the deal is I don't feel that at all but the fact that I dreamed it makes me pissed off because it's like an undesired 'flashback' or deja vu

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am betraying myself while having this particular dream again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel 'happy' and truly 'enjoying' myself once again with A

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience regret right after taking that first weed puff instead of stopping completely right before I did it in dream

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up with that sense of guilt for not being able to stop myself from going back to A and from smoking again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of me with A and weed as the 'bad' me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of A and weed and I as the 'rebel' time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of me being with A in an intimate situation and enjoying it like 'never before'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that A could possibly one day change and so we could be 'together' in a way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'enjoy' myself with A in the dream not realizing what is it that I was actually doing in my dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I betrayed my own self by having enjoyment and 'happiness' in separation of myself

Power fight , envy, mind power

2008-09-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having gotten into a 'discussion' with cousin for a few moments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'proving that cousin is wrong' from her theory- academic perspective of what psychology is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for losing my focus in that moment and reacting in wanting to place 'my truth' over 'her truth' which I deem as 'the one' and 'what is right'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter and participate in a brief fight for power in that moment where I argued with R. about one psychology therapy

I forgive myself that I had always accepted and allowed myself to fear getting into a fight with R. because of how 'total' she is and how brutally temperamental she may get when her 'point of view' is being discussed

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always confront myself with people that hold their 'truth' as unmovable and unchangeable as I not realizing, I was merely fighting against myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I was merely trying to ditch out the academy but in that, also ditching out her opinions and thoughts on the topic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as being 'fired up' the moment I see my point of view being discussed and wanted to be teared apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had to stop R. from confusing A in the opening up to process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want A to get any external influences such as theories in the current introducing to self forgiveness process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having existed in a constant and continuous rivalry with R. in terms of who is the one with the 'truth'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as guilty for having immediately debated her point of view instead of accepting her point of view and then, seeing in Self Honesty what I could say or not say

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immediately want to STOP her point of view as I knew it was coming from personal judgment and not from practical application in self honesty at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I 'own' the truth in any way whatsoever by talking of oneness and equality and process of self honesty

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret getting into a small verbal fight with R. making her leave the room

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in guilt and remorse because I know I reacted to her comments instead of unconditionally stopping for a moment and allowing her to express herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the imperative desire of shutting up people with perceived 'big egos' and showing themselves off as having all the truth

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I should shut myself up in the first place for thinking and believing and perceiving people as that when in fact, it could be only but a self definition as the perception of myself in that moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get annoyed by people that won't HEAR

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and get frustrated by people that aren't willing to HEAR a different perspective of what they hold so dearly as their 'truth' based on books and others' knowledge and information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire not having fought with R because I need her 'help' right in this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to frequently feel as being 'envied' by R. because of the past situations we went through

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still keep 'memories' of the relationship I had with R. where it all was a fight of power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having always being 'right' and having the 'truth' and not allowing myself to HEAR others' views and opinions as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose myself on to others in means of having 'only one way' and not hearing others' opinions and points of view on the same matter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become angry, pissed off by seeing how R. reacted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the experience of myself while arguing with R as 'stupid' and 'pointless' and an 'ego fight'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire shutting up a blabbering ego on knowledge and information according to a personal perception of the facts, instead of speaking in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now be and exist within and as judgment towards people that pretend to know 'all the real truth' not realizing that in the past experience of myself, I reacted this way, I was this way.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use knowledge and information as a definition of myself towards others

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use knowledge and information as the definition of myself as a 'protection' of myself against others' thoughts and perceptions on the same topic

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use knowledge and information as a shield in a 'power battle' against another trying to prove me wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attacked or affected when someone debates my point of view and when someone tries to 'prove me wrong'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take everything too 'personally' at times instead of realizing what is speaking and to what is speaking - mind - instead of seeing everything in self honesty here, in the moment taking every participant into consideration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react immediately towards R. wanting her to STOP because of fear of her confusing A. on what I had already explained her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that R. influences A on her process with her bunch of psychology theories that may only mislead her with self forgiveness application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see R as a manifestation of the same situation her mo ther and my mother have lived therefore, repeating patterns of 'hate' towards the 'sister' in desire of being the 'pretty one, the liked one, the right one, the intelligent' one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as friction with this particular person such as R. for most of our lives hiding it behind a so called 'friendship' as cousins but really, competing against other the whole time

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by power games with R.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I could not battle against R. because I perceived her as cruel and relentless, and me as vulnerable girl

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to experience extensive suffering about my relationship with R. because of what she would be talking about me with others, and therefore, affecting how others would perceive me as well

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get to 'hate' in a way R.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of R's fury and anger towards myself

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear R's envy and comparison she always created towards myself

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being the 'center point' of family and leaving her behind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see R as inferior to myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge R as being frustrated with her life, hence the way she is acting towards myself and everyone around her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive R. as being completely resented with her own life therefore, her attitude as wanting to be right all time and imposing her ideas, beliefs and perceptions on to people

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire shutting her up in moments where she would only speak out words that could 'harm' me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be affected, harm or be attacked by R and her words towards myself

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive R as a mean person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated by her way of speaking, not allowing me to talk and express myself because of talking to fast and raising the voice everytime I tried to make an intervention

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that she merely wanted to 'sink' me because of me getting 'more attention' and being 'liked' and appreciated by her own parents placing me as an example to follow

I forgive myself that I as R's parents, accepted and allowed ourselves to place marlen as an example to follow to R.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that R was my best friend and my favorite cousin

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to criticize A's way of life and actions instead of seeing the core of such manifestations within her and the reasons for them to develop

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as past resentment towards R for all that she 'did on to me' and making me feel 'miserable' at some point in the past of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive R. as being a stubborn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that everyone that holds science and theories as their 'truth' is dumb and won't make it without their mind

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to judge anyone's believes perceptions and ideas of life and on a certain topic because of how I deem and perceive that it isn't of any worth anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity R and her reactions towards anything or anyone that tries to debate herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that R is still in a battle against trying to prove me wrong and 'sink me'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel R. as being a threat to my life, therefore, existing in constant and continuous fear of what she could do or say about me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to give worth and value to what anyone outside separate from me could say or think about me therefore, being and existing within and as fear of envy feelings towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself according to the envy feelings and experiences I had in my past coming from other people

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel envied by most of people because of how I would develop myself at school and in my house

I forgive myself that i ever accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as a 'special' person because of the way i could develop myself in school and having a rather fast understanding most of the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive myself as being 'gifted' with much understanding, not realizing that understanding knowledge and information isn't the deal, but it's all about placing it into application and living it in every moment of every breath here

i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to give myself and place value and worth to myself according to the amount and quality of information and knowledge I possessed in the mind as the mind

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as special from the starting point of the mind's perspective

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that only I could be of worth and value and having a 'status' within my world If I continued developing my mind as knowledge and information

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel 'flattered' when anyone defined me as being 'intelligent'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive myself as being 'intelligent'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as separation from every one because of what I posses as knowledge and information in and as the mind, instead of realizing that knowledge and information is completely useless if it's not placed into application as me as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as resistance to call R. up and ask her that big favour about drying my clothes in her house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection or hypocresy coming from her

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that most of what we were in the past was having the enemy as a friend to be 'safe' about it

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem and define R as being the enemy, as being the one I would have to 'take care of'

I forgive myself tha ti haven't accepted and alowed myself to realize that I am still holding back because of past deeds and situations experienced with R that isn't allowing me to direct myself to ask her for a favour

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like an hipocrite asking her for a favour, not realizing that If I in fact do not move myself and quit all the guilt and remorse, I will remain with the uncertainty of how my 'relationship' currently is with R.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist within and as a complete ofuscation towards the situation not realizing that it is a resistance, therefore, entails a transcendence point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by R. not realizing that in fact, I only have to dial the number and ask her and if she's able to do so cool, if not, cool as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to confront R again if I do see her again because of our last experience being together wasn't 'nice' from the persepctive of having a 'verbal fight' on wanting to proove wrong one to the other

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to delve into those 'fights'

I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I must answer back quickly because, otherwise, it means that I'm not paying attention and that I can't 'think' fast enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the mind as an 'indicator' of how 'fast' I could be in expressing and disregarding anyone's point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceivd that I could get more affected and harmed if I talk once again with R and she's not willing to do the favour to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight, in a subtle way, for power over someone's ideas, beliefs and perceptions of this world.

Effectiveness

2008-08-28T10:29:00.001-07:00

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire wanting and needing to be effective and exact at everything I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being as effective, methodical as my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to admire father because of being effective at earning money and at doing everything 'right'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever desire being 'faster' than others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rush in the mind to do everything faster than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to always finishing 'first'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to being used to 'win'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create myself as someone who never fails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure because it would mean I wasn't effective enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that being effective creates a stronger presence of myself towards others in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link effectiveness to power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that only effective people succeed in this world

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to seek for recognition, to seek for stability in manifestations outside of myself instead of living stbility as me as who I really am, here as the breath of life in every single moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being effective to be of worth to the system

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being effective to be considered as an 'example to follow' for others so we could all be 'effective' in this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire clinging on to definitions of myself as effective in fear of losing myself as the definition of being effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require perceived 'qualities' of the mind towards making me a 'better person' a useful person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being a 'useful' person, therefore placing worth and value on myself according to how I am able to be of worth and use in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire serving oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire serving process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being effective in process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define effectiveness according to the experience of myself in comparison to others whom I could deem as 'not effective'

I Forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to doubt of the effectiveness of this self forgiveness process
SELF FORGIVE MESS

I forgive myself that IHave accepted and allowed myself to fear being a mess

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things wrong or inaccurately because that would mean that I am not 'good enough'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that being good enough would be something that could me me 'superior' to other people, outstanding person

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get used to recogniton from mind systems in school system towards me being 'effective' in school, meaning getting the effective mind system develop to become a slave in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem and define myself according to being effective in learning process, in memory processes and in understanding processes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I was able to be outstanding person because of having a different mind placement system as 'more intelligence' to be effective and understand in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in delusions of grandeur towards the way I experience myself in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel fortunate for being able to live here as who I perceived myself to be as the personality of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ever getting everything wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted adn allowed myself to believe and think and perceive that right and wrong exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use 'father' as a pattern to follow

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that he seeks recognition from the outside by doing everything right and not unconditionally expressing him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem my father as effective in all he does

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever aspire getting a life such as the one that parents currently have as being stable and being together and having enough money to live comfortably

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as 'having to be like my father' because of having the predisposition to do so by blood line

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am inevitably directed by the transmitted DNA through blood from parents, therefore, being inevitable like them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the mix of DNA that I own and therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined, determined by the DNA i own and I am at the moment

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it is inevitable that I become my parents because of DNA transfer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that we are damned forever, instead of realizing, we are able to reprogram ourselves to direct ourselves in oneness and equality and stop all separation of the mind

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am the directive principle of my world as my body as who I am here in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned about my human physical body and thinking, believing and perceiving that I won't be able to change genetical predispositions coming from parents and those that went before them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the effectiveness and the desire to be effective in all by not wanting to be like the usual mexican being lazy, impractical, ineffective and mediocre.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem mexicans as lazy, impractical, ineffective and mediocre people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself toe ver think, believe or perceive that because I am a mexican, I've got lower self esteem towards people from other places in the world with bigger stats

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my experience according to the place I live in, according to a nationality and according to the mayority of the people under one identity

I forgive myself that I havea ccepted and allowed mysefl to be defined as a mexican to be defined by that which supposedly mexicans are and have always been.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that europeans will always be more effective than any other people in the world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to admire germans for being always on time, right, planned, effective in all they did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being effective in all I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to deem myself as not being effective enought at times, and therefore, lose self trust and worry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowd myself to ever worry about my expression, my beingness here always wanting to be right and not wrong

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to participate in polarities such as right or wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being effective in school at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowd myself o lose my 'effectiveness' because it would mean that I am 'not of worth' in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyeflto place worth and value on to myself according to the effectiveness I create by separete means of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to please myself and others by being effective all the time

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mysefl to seek recognition by being effective

I forgive myself tha tI have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and percieve that being effective was a 'quality' in myself that I should be greatful for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to all the times I deemed myself as being effective

I forgive myself that I have acccepted and allowed myself to define me as being effective in a relationship

If orgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed mysefl to define me according to the efectiveness I created at school experience

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to who I believed and perceived mysefl to be as an 'effective' person.

I stop

I do not allow myself to be affected and defined by the effectiveness, because I am effective yet I do not accept and allow myself to be defined by effectivity of this world as a 'quality' I must linger to

Getting rid of art definitions

2008-08-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place trust and value to art in separation of myself

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being and becoming something 'more' that who I really am through art by gaining recognition and fame through it

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being someone 'better' someone of worth by creating art

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being an artist because I found it as the only way to not be like any other person in this world through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire praising my personality by creating through 'my image and likeness' through art experession

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of art as a 'higher or more evolved way of living'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire belonging to intellectual realms and artist world because I deem them to be 'more conscious beings' towards the nature of this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place trust in art as 'my ownly truth'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deem art as the only place where I could be free and express me, not realizing I am able to express me and be free by stopping the mind in every single moment of every single breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire conditioning myself to be an 'artist' therefore creating me a personality suit of 'the artist'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem artists as 'sensitive' beings

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think of artists as 'higher beings' because of awareness they have towards this world/this reality'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think it would be impossible to doubt of art

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to make of art my religion, my path and my way to follow

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I could or can be anything else but an artist in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to become worried when knowing I would forget about art at some point in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever become confused and worried because of fortune tellers saying that I would not be making a living of art

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become curious about what is it that I would be learning in a future moment along studying art

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only exist in wonder and curiosity of the mind towards knowing what could possibley be 'more important' than art for me?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever fear losing art as the meaning for my existence

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to make of art the reason/the purpose of my existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become saddened in the past when I knew art was also a system in and of this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that art was the highest and purest form of making a living

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that it would be easy for me to make a living out of art

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not think of what I had to go through to 'become an artist' and only exist in a future placement/moment of me experiencing fame and glory and getting much money out of it

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to see how ego driven my life decisions were

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being an 'all knowing' person according to reading and getting much knowledge and information just because of having a cultural baggage.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I was made to be an artist, to be 'someone' not common, not ordinary in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to participate in the ego of the mind and comparing myself through the stuff I created as 'art' towards the 'art' of others and seeing which was 'cooler' than the other

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for desiring being 'the best' in art expression

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take art expression for granted

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed mysefl to take compliments for granted and as an obvious thing towards what I do

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards others because of the art they created, therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in polarity of the mind as 'the best/worst' in terms of creation and being a person in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed mysefl to desiring being recognized and praised and liked by people through that which I created as 'art' and thinking believing and perceiving that this was 'the way' to go through life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that art would be the 'solution' to my life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that what I did was of 'more worth' than any other job or placement in this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in delusions of grandeur in my past by thinking, believing and perceiving that I would always be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desiring always being in a 'pedestal' by gaining recognition and 'fame' by that which I did

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being an attention seeker in my past by dressing in certain ways, by talking in certain way and by creating in certain way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to people at school in terms of 'owning' the best personality or the best position as a 'future artist'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to place expectations on to myself towards that which I would do for a living

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my life in the mind as a future moment of living in the perfect home, with the perfect relationship in a perfect place in the world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that life could be easy for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hiding the fact that I am lingering to money that parents could give me once they die

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have 'somethin or someone' to cling to that I could run to in 'difficult situations' not realizing, i am here as myself alone, facing myself alone and nothing or no one is able to support me but myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire clinging to family only because of convenience of property and comfortability and familiarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created dreams of future moment of a future happy and comfortable life after gaining much money from my art, instead of realizing, all the dreams that I created were through the mind and I was taking everything else for granted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in my 'beautiful heaven' where nothing could go wrong, where everything could be under control' instead of realizing I was taking and sticking to illusions of the mind to create myself a secure and safe zone. That is not who I am in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being someone in a 'superior/directive' place to guide others to get to the same place

I forgive mysefl that i accepted and allowed myself to ever think of giving money to charity if I ever got to be rich

I forgive myself that I accpeted and allowed myself to think of money as a trophey for getting to be famous and recognized by art manifestations

I forgive mysefl that I accepted and allowed myself to create myself in a future moment of realizing myself as an 'artist' in and of this world

I forgive myself that I accepted anda llowed myself to think believe and perceive that I could only express myself through art and nothing else.

school sf

2008-08-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the mind whenever I know I'm indulging in it therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my reality, my world according to thoughts and projections of who I experience and perceive myself to be as the mind in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as thoughts and feelings that create a turmoil inside me not allowing me to simply be here and go through school, go through life without participating in the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up school because of being directed by the mind

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must give up my mind in order to go through school and what is required to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as lost of who I really am by existing in confusion within and as the mind by allowing me be directed by it, instead of me directing myself as here as the mind, one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame school for my current situation not realizing I am creating my experience in it in every single moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to completely stop all thoughts and feelings towards my experience of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by the nonsense of this world created by ourselves through the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by what others believe or perceive myself to be at this moment now that I've changed my point of view towards what I do and what I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel in dismay for not being able to sort myself out and realize what I have to go through this no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by thoughts and ideas of others discouraging me to keep going with what I'm required to do which is to study

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flirt around the idea of dropping out because I perceive it to be useless and a waste of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist having to read theories and knowledge and allow myself to be affected by it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being screwing myself immensely by not doing what I have to do in the best possible way, meaning, not being affected by it and breathe through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than who I really am by existing within and as thoughts of powerlessness and hopelessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad by having to be and experience that which I do not want to experience not realizing we all have to go through our own creation equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire not having to go through this not realizing, we all have to face what we've done and placed and created for ourselves, there's no way out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire escaping from my responsibility which is to study

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem study and university as something stupid, a waste of time and money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear betraying myself as who I really am by participating in such systems as school

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realized that I've already betrayed life for all my existince by thinking/believing and perceiving I am the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire going out of school to be and dedicate myself fully to makes something of 'worth' for myself and for others as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still desire 'doing something' of worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the moment I chose to study to 'become an artist'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go against the 'becoming an artist' deal, therefore, placing myself in a non-embracing way of what I am and what I am doing at school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only study to please my parents to get a title that says that I am a licensed artist

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand equally to my creation,therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected and exist in inner conflict by having to go through this and knowing that there's no way out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret ever wanting to be 'someone' by becoming an 'artist' not realizing I already AM here, I do not have to be or become anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid by going to school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sheep by going to school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped, constricted and enslaved by having to go through school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become influenced, altered as who I really am because of knowledge and information that I require to read and discuss at school, therefore, not being one and equal to the information and words and instead, denying and criticizing it all the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here in the moment as the breath whenever I'm experiencing myself in classroom and instead, going criticizing and judging every single moment I see dishonesty, not realizing, school is dishonesty in first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire not 'spoiling' myself by being in school not realizing, I have the ability to stop the mind, therefore, to not be influenced by anything or anyone around me as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be counting off weeks for this to be over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become influenced, directed by the mind towards my experience at school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see no point in going to school considering I have no interest or desire to be an artist anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad by losing that which I always wanted to be 'an artist' because of it being a constricted and limited definition towards who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move to the polarity of not wanting to be an artist, therefore, seeing no point in studying anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within thoughts and complains and ranting as the mind of my current experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of this situation such a big deal, not realizing I am only giving power away to the situation instead, of stopping all thoughts/feelings and emotions related to this situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin despising myself while being in school because of knowing I am deceiving myself by being there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to 'who I am at school' instead of being constant no matter where I am and with who I am, I am here, I am constant, I do not accept and allow myself to be influenced by any external or internal manifestation as thoughts, feelings and emotions as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise people at school as well not realizing that they are merely reflecting me back to me as who I was and who I perceived myself to be in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to change who I am by still being in the past placement of myself in school, not realizing I am able to change me no matter where I am, no matter with who I am, I am here, I am constant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose all meaning to expressing myself through art as they are merely images and projections of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'lost' because of being somewhere where I do not want or wish to experience myself in anymore, though having no option but to keep being there and breathing through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eject myself from school and what it entails because of still being affected by what goes on in my mind while being at school.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that school will be but a moment in my life, and that will be it

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear convincing me within self forgiveness to keep going to school, knowing before hand that school is deception and control and manipulation, but then, what isn't it in this world?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and reject myself within this situation not realizing that everyone in this world has to go through our own created world to experience ourselves in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be part of it actively through and as my mind wanting and desiring to study and be or become and artist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in every moment as who I really am and instead, indulge myself within and as the mind and allow me to be directed within my experience here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt of my capacity to stop the mind while being at school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to 'make it through' because of not being able to bare myself as being dishonest with myself as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being at my location point towards changing myself in this world as who I really am because of still being locked in school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined as a student

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such a disempowering existence of myself when being at school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being feeding the 'hate' towards my experience at school instead of standing one and equal to it, meaning, no feelings, no thoughts no emotions and just breathing through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame school for being the reason of experiencing a headache not realizing, I create myself and my experience and nothing/no one is able to influence me if I stop

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to completely STOP within myself, to clear myself from any mind influence while going through school.

I stop

I do not accept and allow myself to indulge in the mind anymore through thoughts, feelings and emotions towards my current situation going through school

I do not accept anything less than who I really am by diminishing myself by having to go through school

I do not accept and allow myself to feel powerless by having to go through school

I do not accept and allow myself to resist having to go through school

I do not accept and allow myself to doubt of my effectiveness within these statements because of not being sure I will be able to live the words I speak about standing going through school.

I do not accept and allow myself to wallow in thoughts of the mind because of seeing it as 'too much' to go through which I am not willing to go through at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire giving up on school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that I won't finish school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely ruined by having to learn and study and keep knowledge and information that is dishonest and useless in every single way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that there's no sense in still being there considering I do not want to realize myself as an 'artist'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to damn the time I chose to be an 'artist'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid and useless while doing something such as an image because of it being meaningless to what I really am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to my own creations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the experience of myself as creating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define school as simply just a waste of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing homeworks because of having to read many useless knowledge and information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I waste time in school instead of being writing and being here for myself as myself not having to endure useless classes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge teacher for the knowledge and information they give us

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as others for being attending to school and going there only for a grade and a paper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I will ever get something of practical use at that school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in school my whole life

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire getting much knowledge and information to be 'well educated' never realizing this was merely mind job

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire coming here just to be able to get away from family and be different from my sisters

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive I enjoyed school in the past

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being famous, something of 'importance' in this world never realizing all was ego driven

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face what I've become what I've created for myself by myself in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire giving it all up because of seeing no point in anything anymore.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to cage myself within the limitations of the mind

....................

dreams and repression

2008-08-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as denial of the reality of this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with sexual desires towards masturbation through dreams

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused in my dream by watching a 'video' in my dream that would spark up the desire of masturbation within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress inner desires to masturbate and therefore, creating an experience in a dream for me to realize where am I still finding images and pictures arousing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused by the image of a powerful older black man that looked like a stud, strong enough to satisfy various women

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become aroused by the image and picture in my dream of me watching the video of this man just dancing in the street with 'beautiful' women as a fore play to get sex

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become aroused by seeing this man and defining him as powerful in sex just by his attitude and physical appearance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to confront myself in an opportunity to have sex again and not being able to say no

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an image a picture to which I could masturbate to, without even needing to the see the sexual act in itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my dream desire replaying the video to get myself even more aroused by these images of the man dancing with many women along

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that dancing in couples is always a foreplay or another manifestation similar to sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be condemning my sexual expression because of not wanting to 'fall' again into the sex system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react arousing to seeing pictures of that which I deem a strong, powerful in sex man that is able to 'satisfy' a woman properly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find black men as powerful and energetically charged towards sexual activities

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become flabbergasted that time I watched the movie 8mm and seeing the size of the penis of a black man in the movie

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become shocked when watching the movie 8mm for the portrayal of sexual perversions and experiences of other humans that are used to make money and films out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become shocked when seeing what a 'snuff' movie was in the movie

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become disgusted by the perversions that exist in this world towards sexual manifestations and practices of this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel attracted to the idea of violence in sex

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think of movies and pictures as ideal to get anyone going arousing towards having sex or masturbation

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become horny when seeing two males kissing and touching each other on tv

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by pictures and movies in the tv

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use pictures and movies in tv or internet in dreams or in real life to experience an excitement within me towards masturbation or desiring experiencing sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be thinking how long I have been and experiencing myself without sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the new practicality of sex with that which I used to experience when I was sexually active

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as having been sexually active

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become aroused by the thought of my experiences with men in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember the times I had sex and that I defined as 'memorable times' because of how I perceived it to be 'really good'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think of and desire to please the other as much as pleasing me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desires for sex therefore, getting memories as pictures and thoughts inside my mind in order to 'remember' what sex was in my life

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that sex was an 'important' thing in my life.

I forgive myself that I didn't accept and allow myself to see that the desire for experiencing sex or masturbation is merely but a system running inside me, therefore, not who I am in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be intimate with myself and not requiring any external influence such as pictures or memories to make me aroused and experience myself as self expression through masturbation or sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling again for the sex system

I do not accept and allow myself to think believe or perceive that after some time, I require sex

I do not require sex, I do not require an orgasm

I do not require any images or pictures to 'turn me on' in order to experience myself

I am HERE, I direct me in self honesty in every moment, I do not accept and allow myself to be directed by the mind and trying to make me fall again for sex

I do not accept and allow myself to be yearning for the experience of sex with someone in oneness and equality as self expression

I do not accept and allow myself to experience myself as waiting for a moment when I will be able to do this

I do not accept and allow myself to be concerned about the sex system and the experience of myself.

I do not accept and allow myself to be directed and dominated as thoughts of sex within the mind

I STOP

gloomy

2008-08-17T16:28:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow in depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am in this current state because of having my period

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame having my period instead of realizing that I create the experience of myself here, nothing or no one else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it is all just too much and I can't bare it all, not realizing, mind is the only one that will get overwhelmed with what is here to face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired not realizing that tired only exists within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose 'meaning' to communicating today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become sad because of not wanting to go back to mexico city

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that situations are creating the current state inside of me not realizing I am the only one creating my experience here

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop all my thoughts and emotions today towards the current state of this world we live within and as all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as sadness today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self pity in the past because I wanted to create pity in others so they could comfort me or ask me what was wrong

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire drawing attention of parents or anyone else by creating the experience of sadness and depression within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the feeling of 'depression ' with that of sadness and tiredness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired and desire sleeping when I usually don't do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired and frustrated of people complaining about their situation, not realizing I am doing this very same thing

I forgive myself that I have just accepted and allowed myself to continue thoughts of depression, sadness and wallowing in those thoughts instead of immediately stopping them and coming here to write down self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my existence by existing within and as depression and sadness that are merely experiences created by thoughts of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that it is 'normal' for women to become depressed while having period

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I'm 'good' at communicating about process but not so 'good' at applying in every moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to completely apply the words I speak in every single moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become uncomfortable with myself because of having period

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dominated by the experience of myself created by having period instead of realizing that I am able to direct me in every moment and breath through it till it is done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon just to escape from my self imposed doom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the 'idea' of wanting to make a self forgiveness video but haven't done it therefore

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as procrastination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated by listening what parents and sisters speak about because of them speaking and judging another person that isn't in the table

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the extent to which we exist in separation in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see 'no remedy' to 'fix' this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for accepting and allowing me to exist within and as that which 'already was' therefore, creating and continuing the same cycles I've existed within my entire existence

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to refuse talking to someone when they 'needed' me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and impose 'my truth' on to others by being aggressive, not realizing that I am being aggressive with myself by trying to make others think the same way I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that there is just too fucking much to forgive in this world that seems impossible, not realizing, limitation only exists within and as the mind, therefore, who I really am is able to stand here and face it all no matter how 'long' it takes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as thoughts of not wanting to go to school because of wanting to be in the comfortability of home, not realizing, that would be merely not wanting to face myself with what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family for them judging someone else, not realizing I'm playing the same game by judging them for their judgment, therefore continuing the chain of judgment

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself talking with another about someone that wasn't present in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'lazy' to come and write because I 'forget' how cool it is to write it all down in the moment and releasing the 'heaviness' of thoughts and feelings within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that something major such as a death around me, must happen in order for all of us to completely stop and stand up for once and for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use death as an excuse to make us see, not realizing that I don't have to wait till something 'major' happens, but begin to stop in every moment here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as 'lacking enthusiasm' and 'energy' today, therefore not allowing me to do all that I wanted to do because of feeling 'tired'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ,believe and perceive that being tired is normal while being in periods

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire drinking a capuccino in order to 'awake' not realizing that would be separation as drinking coffee in order to get an effect that could 'change' my beingness here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I've abandoned myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exclude myself from people because of deeming my presence as 'not important' there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my 'charm'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my 'happiness'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing all the 'good' within me as that which I perceived myself to be throughout my life existence here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that those 'qualities' were real in me, not realizing that those were merely temporary personalities that existed within me around others because, when being alone I used to be all quiet and sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a part of feelings today by thinking believing and perceiving myself to be depressed and sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire blaming the fact of having to go to school tomorrow as the reason of my current state

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my 'taking of responsibility' would be finishing my degree at art school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be avoiding having to finish school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire something major happening before that which would allow me to leave school and start doing something of 'importance' here for all as one as equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not applying myself few hours ago therefore, allowing me to exist within and as sadness, self pity and depression because of a created state within myself by certain situations that went merely up in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up immediately while allowing me to compound thoughts until such a point where I said STOP!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself until it all seems 'too much' not realizing they are merely THOUGHTS inside my head which create and define myself as being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having lost about 2 hours of my life wallowing and existing in sadness and despair

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my family is just 'too lost' and 'too ingrained' in their minds that they will hardly ever stand up by themselves until something 'bad' and 'major' happens to them to make them see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit sad because of knowing that there's no where to hide, no where to run, no one to run to in order to not 'feel alone' because it just would be a desire of escaping from myself, from what I've become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that are merely diverting themselves with tv or any other kind of 'entertainment' instead of realizing what is going on in this world, this reality and we keep manifesting it the way it is by not completely and fully STOPPING it all within ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own heaviness by having thoughts inside me that create a feeling of 'helplessness' and 'hopelessness'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create of such feelings and emotions something 'real' inside me manifesting it as not moving my human physical body instead of stopping the thoughts, therefore, stopping all that is supporting the current 'feeling' of lacking energy and movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that seeing G today had something to do with my current state

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even allow me to doubt of my reaction and behaviour with G, not realizing that I was sure within myself on how I would live the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it is too sad and depressing to which point we had to get to start realizing what we were doing ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and regret for having existed my whole existence within and as 'the way it is' therefore, accepting and allowing the repeating cycles of this existence as it is and as it has been for all the 'time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the mind as depressive and sad thoughts instead of immediately stopping myself and not allowing me to indulge in the feelings created by thougths running in mind

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as a sad person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as a depressive person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as being a gloomy person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as a 'happy' person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as an 'enthusiastic' person

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as being a 'positive person'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place meaning and importance to those definitions instead of realizing that they are merely separating myself from what exists here as me, as all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my life had meaning as being 'happy and nice' life

oh deer.

I'll leave it here at the moment.

polarities and more

2008-08-15T18:09:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad by seeing vendors outside getting wet in the rain by trying to sell their products to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for always having turned sad whenever I saw a 'poor girl' in the streets selling something or asking for money

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to the girl in that moment, not realizing I am equal and one with that girl

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel pity for that girl, not realizing I was experiencing pity for myself as one and equal to the girl

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having felt guilty every time I saw another girl around my age when I was younger but I was inside the car with parents and she was outside asking for money or selling something to live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor sadness and pity within me by experiencing myself around 'poor people' for few days living the way they do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from poor people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience pity for people I see lying in the floor on the streets

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to buy something to people out of pity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself out of pity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad because of perceiving that 'I have the money' so ' it's my fault they are living the way they are' not realizing, they are one and equal with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living in denial by existing in a 'perfect' life where everything is apparently 'alright' instead of being living the real world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist and live life through and as consistent denial of what reality is about

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that positivity could change the world, never realizing it was merely polarity point of what already existed as here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discouraged to share in forums today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose any 'sense' to share today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it all as 'too much' today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an 'anti war' manifestation not realizing I was provoking war by manifesting in an ANTI congregation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill another human being in war

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to declare war against another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to declare war against myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill millions by nuclear weapons

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as hate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as love

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to relate myself to the word love with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in any relationship formation in separation of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self trust in another, therefore, separating myself from who I really am as all as one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a polarity manifestation such as 'positivity' throughout my whole life, thinking, believing or perceiving that it could 'make a change' in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still exist within and as denial by continuing participating in the 'good, peace and calm' that I experience, not realizing, I am merely existing in the opposite, the polarity manifestation of who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having existed within and as self hatred, therefore, not allowing me to accept me as who I really am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I've fucked with myself tremendously by existing within and as 'the good side' of what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face myself for having denied 'the negativity' the darkness that exists here, by wanting to see only 'the bright side' and lingering on to it so I wouldn't have to see what is really here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe or perceive that 'life is beautiful'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not able to fully stop as long as I live in this world as it is, not realizing that I create my experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete against another for winning a 'first place'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that life is a competition

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive this life is a competition where the strongest survives according to the 'adaptation' in this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place value and self worth according to getting 'first places' and being recognized by others according to mind abilities

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self value, self worth according to what my mind experienced and created, not as who I really am here

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to go through stress and worry by desiring and wanting to get in 'first place' instead of realizing that competitions are merely mind activity that enhanced the superior -inferior polarity that exists in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as a 'winner'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I was born to be 'at the top'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I was made to direct others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify 'directing others' through self forgiveness, not realizing I was hiding my desires to direct others to 'do as I do'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire others to be 'like me' and by that

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that if more were like me, everyone would be more 'effective', 'responsible' with what we all have to do and get done here, not realizing it was all mind's imposing power on to others

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be flattered by comments of me being 'great, superior' than others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define self worth and value according to the recognition of others on to that which I did, that which I was according to who I perceived myself to be

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously desire expressing my opinion, not realizing this merely enhanced personality as that which is of the mind and therefore, ruled me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to consider and define me according to the opinions/thoughts I could place in certain discussion or topic

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define my worth and self value according to what others thought/believed or perceived of that which I expressed as a personal opinion, not realizing it was merely mind systems recognizing/denying mind systems

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to place self worth and value according to what others thought/believed/perceived about me and according to that, move me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to only 'move myself' whenever I got 'motivated' by an outside source of me, instead of moving myself unconditionally here as me, for me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to only think believe and perceive that what I did as art work is cool because of others recognizing and placing value on to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uplifted whenever anyone made 'good' comments about anything I do/say/believe not realizing, it was all mind fuck

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I require the acceptance/recognition/value from others to 'keep going' and keep doing what I do

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to recognize myself and accept myself as self worth and instead, allowing me to exist within and as the expectation of someone accepting or denying my ideas/work to then, be able to 'move me ' accordingly

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to wait until someone approved/disapproved what I did/say to know if I was going 'right or wrong' therefore, allowing me to not exist within and as self trust in every moment and existing in polarity of mind as right or wrong

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place much expectations on to myself, therefore, becoming sad/frustrated whenever I didn't achieve what I wanted.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire/wanting and needing to achieve a certain 'goal' so I could be worthy of being here, so I could be 'someone' in this world

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I could get tired of 'trying too hard'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I have to continue being 'the best' at school because that's what and how I've experienced myself throughout my whole life, not realizing this is is merely wanting to hold on to past definitions that are ingrained within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping being 'good' at school because of all the definitions as self worth and value I've placed within me by the recognition of others as classmates and teachers on to me as being 'good student'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise school because of having to go there only to get a number as grade in the end of course

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel superior to any teacher at school

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that a teacher wasn't good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire taking the place of the teacher because I believed and perceived myself as 'understanding better' than the teacher

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be recognized by doing a 'good job' at anything

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the polarity of wanting and don't wanting to be recognized by people by what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to 'what I do'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ever declare that art school was 'my place to be'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as only being apt to be 'an artist' in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a dissident throughout existence by existing within and as denial and separation of what exists here as me as all as one as equal

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to participate in a revolution with theories, ideas or beliefs that supported polarity in this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being a 'leader' so I could direct others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as being apt to direct others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a hope and expectation on a future moment when I could be able to direct others as one and equal

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I could 'keep' that which I deemed of 'benefit' for me as one and equal, not realizing all the 'good' doesn't really exist within me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I am merely but a polarity manifestation of what exists here. I stop I do not accept and allow me to define me according to polarity manifestations of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I could use 'leader skills' in order to direct others, not realizing this isn't oneness and equality at all

I forgive myself that I ever have accepted and allowed myself to be 'moved' by the idea of being able to direct and 'guide' others in a future moment, not realizing this is a placement of hope and future moment that isn't here at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire want or need to be guided/directed by others in order to 'live life'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I would be 'no one' if no one had recognized and placed value and worth to that which I am or that which I do, not realizing I was merely separating myself from here by wanting recognition from others

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I wasn't a normal mexican because of my belief and perception that most mexicans are mediocre and lazy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as mediocre and lazy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being mediocre is merely a definition placed on to other by the mind's perspective of having to 'achieve' something

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to refuse the idea of being mexican

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being for a foreign english speaking language country because of thinking in english

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to despise myself for being part of 'mexicans'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined as a mexican

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people and me according to their nationality, their tongue and their culture

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as separation of myself as races, nationalities and gender

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to a nationality definition according to 'general values' of what a mexican is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become sad whenever I see any other mexican or latin american not understanding what desteni is about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relate myself to people according to the tongue they speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to being a spanish speaker person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to being a 'latin american'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to being a latin american woman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as a mexican woman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the language I speak

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define/identify me according to the words I speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that who I am is able to be defined by a language spoken

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place worth and value on to others according to the amount of languages they speak

animals-fears-family

2008-08-13T19:01:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from the experience of regret

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having killed insects out of fear that they could harm me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret ever having a disgust feeling or dislike towards animals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret ever deeming animals as inferior to humans, I am one and equal to all in this existence, one and equal with animals

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire not having any animals at home as pets because of fearing them making poo and pee inside house, therefore, creating a 'mess'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for not having considered how important animals are in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem seeing animal planet as something boring and only for 'biologists' to watch

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in much regret of my past attitude towards animals because of being ignorant of who they really were in this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret having feared animals before because of what mother told me about them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear animals just because my mother told me so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given me the opportunity to see animals for myself and realize who they really were, instead of sticking to what 'mother said' about animals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for having killed animals in order to eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to detach me from the self responsibility of having and still killing animals to eat and survive

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to see animals as stupid or meaningless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that shakti and moka may be killed or die suddenly only to teach us a lesson for having despised animals and having dogs at home in past

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow mother to hit shakti whenever she pees or poos inside the house, therefore, allowing her to 'teach her' by hitting her

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having regret and resentment towards my mother for all the fears and insecurities she passed on and taught on to me

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to believe all that mother told me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother as an ignorant being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire blaming mother for my repressed childhood and teenage years

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having suppressed my expression, my desires and needs in life because of existing in fear of what mother would say to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having stood up before towards mother to not allow any further imposition towards my life coming from her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother as one dominant fearful being

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her current insecurities coming to surface

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise my mother for her being a fearful being, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise myself for being a fearful being

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I needed a man or someone else to protect me and take care of me, as the relationship that parents have formed in their life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on someone else because of how I perceived and believed relationships had to be according to the example of my parents

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be unconsciously looking and seeking someone that resembled father in order to create a relationship such as the one parents experience themselves in at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear one of them dying so they can actually stand up for themselves alone

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become jealous of the apparent 'love' parents demonstrated one and other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise mother because she always wants to do it all 'her way' therefore, manipulating everyone around her to do her will

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as extreme resentment towards mother because of her being a dominator and wanting to rule over her husband and daughter's life decisions

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to numb my desires and needs as a teenager as wanting to experience myself in a relationship because of fear that she might just get awfully mad and angry and make me cut it off the next day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear towards mother

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever see mother as an abuser for her wanting to do her way all time with everyone, everywhere, not leaving open slot for others to decide

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having hated mother because of her not approving of my relationships and friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother as a gossiper because of when I found her sneaking into my sister's drawers to read their journals and find out about their boyfriends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared seeing my mother explode in anger and fearing she might hit me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for saying some 'bad words' towards mother, therefore, being hit in the mouth for what I said

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to explode in anger whenever she tried to stop me from going out with A

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as extreme demonic anger whenever my mother tried to make me stop my relationship with A or any other man in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self pity towards mother thinking, believing and perceiving that she regrets having getting pregnant early on her life, therefore, not being able to experience herself in more relationships and marrying her first one at early age

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity mother because of her wanting to place her non-achieved realizations in life on to us, 'her daughters' in a way to compensate what she could not do or achieve in her life because of getting married and pregnant early in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resentful towards mother for her attitude she always presented whenever A went to my house

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever fear the confrontation that would often arise between mother and A by discussing and wanting to sink each other with comments, judgments and statements of superiority

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed because of A portraying him as a 'loser' whenever he eneded up chatting with parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire not existing in moments when confrontation arouse between parents and A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as past memories of regret, shame and sorrow towards my relationship with A and parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as shame for that which parents thought, judged and criticized about G for him not being the 'ideal' guy for me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge parents as shallow/superficial fucks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mess with parents because of their imposition of will towards my life and my relationships, not realizing that in the end, I managed to do it my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having being able to share my 'happiness' with parents when i was in a relationship with G because of having to hide them the fact that I was in a relationship with G

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret towards mother for her wanting to mold me and shape me as her image and likeness, therefore me standing and rebelling against that and making her 'suffer'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be concerned or preoccupied/worried that I made someone cry or be sad, never realizing that they did that to themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against mother for her ingrained ways of thinking and beliefs that aren't in any way whatsoever mine at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for being a selfish being wanting it all for her, wanting her to have the 'perfect image' of 'perfect family' and 'perfect daughters'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire making her happy or fulfilling her expectations that she'd placed on to me, in means of 'giving her back' some of what 'she had given me' in life

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to pretend loving mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever pretend that I cared about her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise mother because of her being interested in placing her daughters with 'good men' that will treat them 'right' and give them all that they need and want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of the phony way mother acts in front of certain people to seem 'more' than what she really is

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to despise people who desire looking as superior than others, not realizing i did that in every moment of life in past

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as hidden hate/despise/sorrow towards mother for past events in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise mother for being a gossiper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever deem mother as dumb for not knowing basic common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise and blame family for having inducted me into white light beliefs in spiritualism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my family is a matriarch

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define mother as one fearful being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am fearful because of her being fearful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire blaming her for the experience of myself as one fearful being, not realizing I did this to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and tag mother as one manipulative being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for all the hidden feelings/emotions and thougths towards mother because of not being able to release them from me unconditionally

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear of exposing her

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deliberately place her in ridicule so others could notice her dishonesties

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become pissed off whenever I heard mother lying therefore, accepting and allowing me to react to the lies she spoke in order to 'keep her good image'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise mother and judge her for cheating on herself by lying on to others in minor things in order to 'not spoil' her image

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise every moment I saw mother seeing herself in mirror of malls and breathing in deeply to look 'thinner'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to criticize the same thing from sisters not realizing I copied the exact same pattern, therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to look in the mirror to check out how clothes 'fit my body' and how I look as a picture for others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise the vainity in sisters and mother, not realizing I existed within and as the same pattern

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sisters for them judging and criticizing mother for the way she is without them realizing that, if they don't stop it all here, they will become exactly like her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming my mother, not realizing that that which I fear I create until I stop for once and for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel proud of mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that parent's marriage was a 'great example' for me to follow up and thus

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that I desired creating myself an experience with another man as stable as that which I deem parent's relationship to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge parents for being codependent one to another, therefore, fearing one of them might have to die soon in order for one of them to realize themselves here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling again into a relationship construct, though I seem to not desire one at all at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my already made statements of not needing a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the fact that parents never got to meet G as who he 'really was' because of their misconceptions, judgments and first hand critics towards him

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear father getting angry and mad at me because of him being an explosive being while angry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family as sheeple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as much shame towards family because of them blindly believing in what tv says

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and despise family members because of wanting to remain in their pink life bubble where nothing is wrong or sad in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define those people as family merely by having been born there and existed there from the beginning, therefore, defining myself according to who they are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to family member's experience of themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire having been born in a more 'intellectual' kind of family

I forgive myself that I accpeted and allowed myself to 'numb' myself out of family because of seeing 'no connection' between me and them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a stranger at home at times

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deem me as being 'in the wrong place' as being in the wrong family to experience myself in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and regret on to parents because of them not sending me to non-school lessons of music or any other sport

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her not being a 'serious mother' therefore always taking everything in the lightest way possible, thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her not wanting to become seroious and face things as they really are and instead, hide behind laughter and jokes

i forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire having another mother

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to still exist within and as continuous and deliberate judgment towards mother, not realizing I am existing in continuous deliberate self judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for speaking so much hours in telephone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and desire making her look like a fool whenever I have the opportunity to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make her feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at her whenever she starts crying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be trapped within and as memories of past according to relationship with mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me within and as the relationship I had with 'mother'

If orgive myself that I accpeted and allowed myself to suppress and hide this resentment and hate towards mother, not realizing it would only compound while being suppressed and could've manifested into cancer in ovaries

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to despise mother for her not being honest and telling the truth about her getting pregnant before marriage, therefore, only being fearful of us, daughters, to have relationships because of her fearing we could end up like her

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to judge sister for being a deliberate lier on to others in order to keep a certain image and idea/concept of herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sister and mother because I perceive them to be hypocrite towards others in order to create a certain image and concept of themselves as 'nice people'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise hypocrite beings that act that way only to get what they want, not realizing that by me sometimes being 'nice' to people to get what I wanted I was existing within and as the same construct to fit in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever fear making sister y mad or angry because of her being an explosive person in those circumstances

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed me to be affected and wallowed by what sisters, or parents told me while scolding me for something

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to belittle the existence of myself because of all the jokes that sisters put on to me, trying to make me inferior because of them actually being jealous of me getting all the attention as being the 'little one'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I belittle myself because I was the 'little one' at home, therefore, thinking believing and perceiving that I wasn't fully able to take responsibility for myself and that I would always have a 'bigger sister' to watch out for me, or my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family for wanting to have better cars and better social status all the time, therfore, going escalating by wanting to have more and more money

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to judge father because of him wanting to be a rich person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted by the conversations they sometimes may have with others placing money and status as their god

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family as being vain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever complain about having lived with the family I live because of me not having the same 'pattern' as them, therefore feeling an outcast all time

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from family, not realizing I'm existing within and as a huge separation towards them by existing in anger, resentment and much judgment towards them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dislike family because of them wanting to place me as 'the star of family'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become frustrated by seeing that family won't change their habits, their talks and attitudes even after all that I've communicated to them

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to desire injecting them knowledge and information without them asking, therefore

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to push them towards something that they aren't even interested in

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed by parents in front of others such as friends or any other kind of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to pity parents for them having to 'place me ' in a certain position while they talk about me towards others in means of making me 'an important person' or a 'special person'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become extremely pissed off and uncomfortable whenever parents showed off my diplomas of school and talked about my 'achievements' in school with others such as friends or family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike the fact that they need to talk and place me in a pedestal to make believe that 'I am becoming someone' in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become pissed off at parents whenever they wanted me to dance or do anything for others whenever I didn't feel like it when I was a child

If orgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel controlled whenever father tied my shoe laces tight and stretched up my socks

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create much repression and suppression of self expression as a girl in fear of being scolded by parents, not realizing I was the one that created this and the one that belief in this fear of being scolded, not realizing that parents weren't that strict and therefore it was me creating this to not get dirty

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to fear physical dirtyness, therefore, not allowing me to express myself unconditionally here not mattering if I got dirty in clothes or not

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant fear of what parents would ask me or tell me while I was hiding in a relationship from them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as hiding from parents because of not wanting them to 'know ' who I really was

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to judge family as 'ignorants' for wanting to remain in the bliss of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge family members because of their attitude towards life as being greedy and ambitious in order to get more and more to apparently live a better, greater life and be 'more' than who they already are here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her wanting to 'make a beautiful home' for her to live in therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother thinking believing and perceiving she is merely entertaining herself in 'home improvements' because of not having anything better to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for her not being able to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'like' father more because he is the one that works to maintain the house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for being an exigent being towards money

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to judge anyones desires and hopes for money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise any being that is trying to make themselves richer or better in a material way or in any way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever say that I wanted to be a 'better person' therefore not realizing I was declaring this by still defining me as who I was in the past

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I should give something back to parents for what they've done for me

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to consider myself as 'lucky' because of being able to live the 'best' moment as family stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I was lucky because of both sisters being 'karmatic' according to numbers and i wasn't

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that both sisters are doomed by their own acceptances and allowances in their current relationships which will evenatually turn into marriages

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to pity sisters for needing and desiring a certain image presentation in order to be liked by others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in the same construct in past

OH k

enough for now.

Heaveness

2008-08-13T16:42:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as having to wake up every single morning after 6 hours of sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as having to live day after day after day the same repetitive routine of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as having to experience myself here in this earth/ in this world /in this existence as it currently exists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as having to eat everyday to sustain myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as having to move myself in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as having to travel 4 hours from house to house to come to study

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as having to study

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as having to remain in school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as having to endure this life after knowing that I've lived in the exact placement for eons of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as having to carry myself around this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as the experience of a rock

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I am heaviness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as problems as situations that apparently have no immediate/easy solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as knowing that there's no way out and that it is too late now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as having to face myself in this world, this reality as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be for all existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as having to walk this life as what it has already been placed as this reality, therefore, having no choice at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as the experience of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as the experience of the body being tired

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as sadness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as frustration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as time loop

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as all the mind personalities that exist as me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as the experience of me as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as dealing with stuff that I seem not to be able to 'sort out' therefore, creating a weight within myself that I can't apparently disengage and release from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as existing within and as the mind at this very moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as the idea of me being one and equal to all in this existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as fears hidden inside me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as the weight of fears inside me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that heaviness is more powerful that who I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I cannot battle against heaviness, instead of realizing that it is about stopping the battle within myself and release it from who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to react to the word heaviness with the image of carrying a weight, a burden that is apparently bigger than who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that there are 'heavy' concepts that I am not able to embrace because of the magnitude of what they represent, such as being one and equal to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the nature of myself as all as one as equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as the experience of ourselves in this reality trapped in time in constant loops

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as a life experience in this earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as finding the truth of who I really am as all as one as equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as having no other way to face ourselves and no way out from this existence to skip our own facing, our own accepted and allowed reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that heaviness exists as a way of experiencing myself, not realizing it is but a concept that mind uses to trap us in further enslavement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage within and as thoughts of the mind and later, experiencing myself as being 'heavy'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as over eating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define heaviness as something that I cannot possible 'overcome' to.

I stand here one and equal as heaviness, I do not accept and allow myself to be defined according to an experience of apparent 'heaviness' within me

traffic is bad

2008-08-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define traffic as 'bad'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going out because of having to experience the heavy traffic of city

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become desperate by the slow traffic I was into today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become sad by seeing and realizing really no ones enjoy life for real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as sadness and the feeling of 'hopelessness' while seeing kid's 'sad' faces in the street

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and pretend every thing's ok while I'm seeing no one's particularly having 'the time of their life' in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see misery everywhere

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be one and equal to misery today

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be one and equal to sadness today

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be one and equal to hopelessness today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be one and equal to the experience of claustrophobia while riding with so many in a bus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel asphyxiated by the heat and all the people around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see sadness in everyone's faces

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become discouraged by seeing how dishonesty floods all around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad by seeing how many christians are around here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people believing in christ and that go to church

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that have faith in something outside/separate from themselves instead of trusting themselves as here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be one and equal to the feeling of being discouraged from keep going on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become sad because of seeing how people go through hell every single day of their lives

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire stopping my own experience amongst them by thinking: I can't bare this any longer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a complete slave by going in public transportation with many many people one against each other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in pain by knowing that people go through this several times a day and for even larger amounts of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having 'filled' my life with vain entertainment and wonders in the mind that 'kept me going' not mattering all the stuff I have to go through

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having 'kept going' in life because of 'solving' it by smoking weed or having relationships and entertainment

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see life in this world as nice because of all that 'i have' all those that 'care about me' and all that 'i will be' not realizing, none of that actually really exists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that people only keep going this way for money and sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be studying to become 'someone' with a college degree

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as being more 'worthy' or 'of value' by having a fucking college degree

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless and completely sad by seeing how the world works around me every single day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be doing this and be going through this just for a fucking college degree

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire separating myself from having to experience this in my life, not realizing I did this to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'give up' before I've even started

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad by seeing how people are not enjoying life at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react at people's faces in 'disgust' by seeing the packed bus where I was into, therefore, feeling like a slave

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am not a slave, not realizing that everyone in this world is a slave in one way or another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire not going to school anymore but at the same time fearing what I'll do then

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discouraged by seeing that this school isn't what I thought it would be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having hidden the truth of school to parents, meaning, telling them it never was up to my expectations

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make my 'living' in mexico city quite nicer because I was able to smoke all day and be high and 'get through it' while having this as 'remedy'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give meaning and value to studying a career in order to get a paper that says I'm a licensed art someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire dropping off right away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret making decisions without knowing what and where I was really placing myself into

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be thinking of dropping it all off

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my being HERE but still allowing me be affected by the environment that is around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike having to go out from home into the city to buy stuff because of long distances and traffic and too much pollution

I forgive myself that ever accepted and allowed myself to 'stand' what I've stand here for 2 years because of thinking that 'if others could do it, I could do it too ' not realizing that these people are also having 'the bunch remedy' as well

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to be living in dishonesty by being somewhere I can't be enjoying myself completely because of what it entails

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire coming to study to mexico city, not fully realizing the population, traffic and levels of pollution here, that not even breathing is cool

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel 'proud' of getting into national arts school

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being 'someone known' inside school, therefore, getting to be 'friends' with people to make 'contacts'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like ranting today, because of what I experienced so far here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a sheep by going to school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a student, to accept and allow myself to submit to a program, a school system that is trying to get me to 'be' an artist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lame about this

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be seen as 'cool' for leaving home and studying in mexico city in art school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repent from taking decisions because of being ignorant of what this world really is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think constantly 'I will not make it' defining 'making it' as finishing school up to the last degree and getting the paper.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to give up on this school thing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a slave by choice, by placing me in this world, in this system and in this particular situation never fully realizing what I was delving into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still doubt about having stuff of 'value' in my room wondering what would happen if all would be lost, would i miss anything?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss shakti

regret

2008-08-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as limitations imposed by myself by not knowing how to express in certain situations where I am able to communicate with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ,believe and perceive that I must care about how others are currently perceiving me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see for myself what it is that is limiting me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still exist within and as the construct experiencing fear and anxiety because of regret of the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the constriction and limitation of a system manifestation in my body by worrying about how I am placing myself currently in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry too much on how I apply myself, instead of unconditionally developing self trust as events unfold

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I kick my own ass at times

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that who I am is able to be rejected by anything or anyone by not 'making it'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited and constricted by my own self imposed limitations allowing my writing being influenced by the mind at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I'm not able to function around normal people because of past definitions when i thought the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate on my words lately

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my self expression here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in much insecurities that haven't fully revealed here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in inner conflict when not knowing when to talk or when not to talk, therefore, filtering my experience within and as the mind instead of unconditionally expressing me in the moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to notice the subtle moments when I judge people by defining and constricting them into judgments of how they are according to what they speak of and how they speak of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I stand up in 'bigger situations' that in more 'subtle' ones where it's about communicating with others as me, still existing in much fear of judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire seeing everything as being 'easy' not realizing I was merely hiding behind the 'positive' side not realizing what it really entails opening up a point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever condition SF statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I need the assistance of others to make it through

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having assistance and support as the forums that I experience at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having named Mr. Bones, mr. boner not realizing what I was trying to do onto him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having offended someone by the use of their username in forum, trying to make a funny statement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment and gossip from others towards what I write, not realizing this is doubting myself in words I place as me in forum

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stick with the idea that bernard said once that we could fuck around in open forum, but not in private forum.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that i was offending myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not being here the moment I write posts and words in forum before posting them as statements of who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak without awareness of what this entails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may be thinking/saying about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my application isn't in self honesty, therefore, it's fucked

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self trust in oneness and equality, and instead believe in trust coming from the mind towards what I may speak and project as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself towards another one as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be clear from the starting point of placing words as me, as self forgiveness and instead, doing it out of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regretting not standing up in the moment events come up and I don't apply myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I fear existing in regret of things that I cannot SEE at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate the application of SF in the moment, allowing me to exist as another time trap, another loop that will have to come back to face it again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply myself in every moment of every breath, instead, indulge in personalities of the mind and judgments that have no point in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my current application because of thinking that it's because of my 'animal support' such as the rattle snake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to override the rattle snake effect taking it as me having to push harder on people to see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as being using more words than necessary to communicate myself as here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see within my words what is still existing as personality of mind as what I perceive myself to be

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to completely remove all that may be perceived as coming from 'me' meaning, having a defined way of expressing myself in every moment that is required to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self forgiveness from the starting point of regret

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what regret really is in every moment existing as it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I wasn't regretting anything at the moment, not realizing I regret even not regretting regret

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind me from what is regret here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self dishonesty without being aware of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become pissed off at Regina for spilling bread

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry because of bread being spilt over and wasted, knowing that there are kids that are suffering of hunger in other parts of the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I must say I'm fine to everyone saying hi -

Me perdono a mi misma permitir y aceptar decir a todos los que me saludan que estoy bien en lugar de sólo decir, aquí.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at Regina for all the bread crumbs spilt on the floor, not realizing she's a child in unconditional expression not caring about wasting or creating a mess on purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I cannot stand adriana, because of her bad temper towards her own daughter

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to embrace Adriana one and equal to me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to only breath through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and remorse for someone else spilling and wasting food because of knowing that there are people fighting over food in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that regina is being over protected and too spoiled, therefore, ruining here awareness of being one and equal to all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, at the same time, realize she gets scolded by her mother therefore I pity her for having to 'stand' her mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself by becoming frustrated as not being able to 'do' something for her situation to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react whenever I see someone spilling and wasting food because of how I perceive that hunger exists in this world at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at food being wasted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my practical application here in self honesty in this cases

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to declare that 'I don't know what to do' when these cases arrive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire making Regina see, instead of allowing her see for herself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating a problem by standing up in self honesty here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire going to the polarity of my current behavior, now wanting to stop participating not realizing this is father matrix construct passed on to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that retreating is the way to go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I'm able to assist and support someone not realizing it is merely but a perception, because I haven't unconditionally sorted myself in specific points

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame a child for spilling bread not realizing I am supporting starvation in this world by the mere abuse of overeating food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that others are responsible for starvation by wasting food, not realizing I do this very thing without even being aware

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I 'should be angry' at someone for wasting food, not realizing that I am the one wasting food, i am them therefore, judging it only creates more and more separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bitter person spoiling everyone's moment

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being getting into a major crisis.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being able to exist within and as a crisis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable for not having a job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I'm worthless because I haven't gotten a job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that who I am is able to get angry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret of what exists here

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret existing in fear and petrification because of thinking that I'm not able to practicallyh survive in this world, as I have always lived and eaten from father's money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing all I have, not realizing this is the only way to self realize me and be independent finally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing what I deem of 'worth and value' in means of self realization, not realizing it is only but mere illusions of separation that exist as me, to which I have placed value and definition in separation of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be angry at corporations in this world for apparently ruling over the world, not realizing I created and manfiested this by submitting as a slave in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem myself as worthless for being a slave in this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that a slave couldn't self realize in this existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'powerless' by considering how we've existed within and as slavery in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for desiring to get money fast and in an easy way, instead of developing it through time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire getting everything in the moment, quick and easy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a bunch of knowledge without placing it into application here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still not be able to be self sufficient, therefore, living out from parent's money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that there's too much shit in this world it is not even worthy living it here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid the money theme because of being maintained by father's money, therefore

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to establish my own way of income and earn money to be self sufficient

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not having even placed into consideration making paintings for a living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend 100% of father's money to survive in this world, instead of doing something for myself to live here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being self supportive and therefore, being participating in accepting and allowing myself to be subdued towards others will by being attached by moeny

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved as not being independent in this world by not having my own income

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that when I get my own income I would be free

I forgive myself that I have accepeted and allowed myself to be dependent on father to survive and exist here, to get everything from him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my meals for granted every day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the family income for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my father's income for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what nature gives us for food for granted here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave for money because of being attached to family having interest in getting what it's available in house, for getting money to survive in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself as a 'money requirer' not realizing that this world moves as time as money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely dependent of father to get money and continue living in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless because I haven't had a real job experience of earning money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize where my self deceptions exist in fear of having to change my world, change who I perceive myself to be in order to sustain myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility and applying myself accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am useless because I haven't had a job experience before

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad because I have instruments and I don't use them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad because I am not using what I own to make something out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to not realize that I'm wasting what is here as me to create and express myself here as music

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this comfortability around, existing in a realitythat isn't oneness and e quality as it exists as a polarity manfiestation of what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am worthless because I don't have a job.

I forgive myself that I haven't even tried to get a job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a bubble of comfort and separation without wanting to realize this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle myself by thinking/believing/perceiving that my participation isn't required

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'required' by others to accomplish certain tasks, not realizing that this entails having a purpose in life which enslaves me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own 'purpose' hiding it behind oneness and equality instead of just being HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire existing in a comfortable and clean environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am a 'clean person'

I forgive myself that i have accepeted and allowed myself to place importance into having a clean house, not realizing it keeps me from being here in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a rejection towards dirtiness, because I wasn't allowing me to see the dirtyness in me,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my moment here while judging the environment according to how clean/how dirty it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that being clean is something that is a quality and that makes this world apparently better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire making the world a 'better place' by making it look clean, not realizing it is merely visual perception and isn't the real dirt in the world

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to desire existing in cleanliness around me thinking, believing or perceiving that this is the way to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link cleanliness to harmony

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to numb my self expression as music because of thinking believing and perceiving that I'm not good enough at it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to admire people as musicians because of me not embracing me as able to play music fluently as those musicians did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret for not having used my musical instruments anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having too many clothes without using them and not doing anything about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become discouraged by seeing that there's no solution in this world apparently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow me to keep clothes that I don't even use int he closet without giving them away to someone who might need it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about this world without practically making something about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not acting and standing up when I know I have to do so and instead, retreat and in fear of being perceived as a crazy bitter person

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to erase completely the perceptions another may have of me because of who they perceive me to be and who I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking other's expectations and ideas about me down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to victimize me because of not standing up in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself existing in much regret for being a 'follower' and not standing up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only, until now, see what really exists within me as a bunch of interests on getting what I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress what is here as me as the darkness within me in means of keeping myself as the 'positive' side which I was still existing within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into the past as I go back to old patterns and behaviours of myself in past times

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally releasing myself from the past and accepting me to live here in self honesty as who I really am here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even care about what others may think about me here when I know it is not me as the past here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as time traps as this existence by existing within habits of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave me to an everyday routine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not having seen the real shit in this world before, therefore

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to not see what existed in this world and hiding in light and love as god

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed in god

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having existed within and as the positive side of this reality in order to make things seem 'better'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret thinking that I could change the world by existing in positivity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that now I have to become someone else in order to get rid of who i was in the past, instead of realizing, it's about me here, existing, breathing, walking every moment in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my father speaking about my paintings in order to 'make as if' I did something of 'value' during vacation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to react immediately in anger by hearing mother is talking about paintings with someone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become uncomfortable when someone makes a remark about a painting I made

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself, my own work therefore, fearing the recognition and value others see in it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react while being asked by mother to shut up talking about marriage, because of people there getting married too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my expression in the moment in fear of what mother

would tell me later, not realizing I did stand up and not allowed myself to compromise my words and my point of view in order to 'not hurt anyone's feelings'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at conversations that show different points of self deception therefore, only laughing at myself instead of stopping all and just remaining here as me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry by seeing how this woman treats her daughter,being too bossy with her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity the girl for having such a bossy mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad by seeing how she shifts in polarity from nice to mean in a matter of seconds towards her daughter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad at seeing how social encounters develop

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed for my father trying to 'make as if' I'm 'the artist' painting the stuff in the house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in separation towards the people that is also me that I deem as being too ingrained systems, therefore, not seeing how this world really exists as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever try to 'fit' into this world and the social conventions by adapting me and creating me a personality that could be 'adaptable' to each situation and environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fluctuate from one state to another, without realizing that this is polarity created by the mind to exist and generate energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having compromised my expression in the past because 'mother asked me to do so'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become completely apathic towards family/people's reunions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people with which I share the table with by their thoughts, ideas and beliefs, not realizing: they are all one and equal with me, therefore, I STOP judgment, there's no other way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see human behavior as completely preprogrammed, therefore, idiotic in a way, not realizing I am separating myself from it in a HUGE way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise who I have become while seeing me and others in this world interacting and 'living' here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that man for being 'the intellectual' in the table

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that guy for telling his daughter that she's the prettiest girl in the world therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this guy thinking believing and perceiving that he is spoiling his kid into feeding and constructing her ego based on her image presentation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad at seeing how Regina can only tell disney stories and can't create one of her own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that kids are being extremely fucked up by media, taking away their unconditional expression, limiting and constricting it into prefabricated expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire tearing anyone's rules and expectations while I speak in order to make them see, not realizing, that they will see and realize for themselves one way or another

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for having taken bullshit in the past and compromising me and my expression in order to fit the past image of who I was

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for making a compliment to the woman that made the food in order to 'say something' not realizing that in that moment, if it wasn't self expression, I merely compromised myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire making a point in each and every single word spoken, but later only realizing it's bullshit that I try to do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having made first communion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret ever having trusted in 'god'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to trust the white light channelers to guide and support my life, not realizing it was merely preprogrammed stuff to complete enslavement and deception

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity women that get pregnant 'early in time' and so have to stop everything to become a mother

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge people and become angry whenever I knew some woman, related or non related, had gotten pregnant while being young and with a boyfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become angry and frustrated by the 'stupidity' of people that got pregnant without desiring to be it, not realizing I sometimes also feared getting pregnant without being aware of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that are currently going to get married

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that are currently going to have babies because of how the world exist and how they 'dare' to bring more kids into this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people getting into relationships of apparent 'love'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that womans's believes on judaism and kabbalah

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge jews as 'rich fucks'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as separation towards anyone that is currently existing a belief of any sort such as religion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge superstitious people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this woman A. for telling her daughter that she will buy her a new tv in order to make her eat, make pee or 'keep calm'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and be shut up by mother or father or anyone for that matter

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be subdued to anyone's will

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know what to do while listening A. yelling at her daughter therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire telling her to shut up and not talk like that to her daughter

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to not know what to do .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless by seeing the suffering of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'beaten up' by seeing how people suffer from wars

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my current 'peace' for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my house as bed, food for granted

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take my existence here as breathing for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to suffer in order to realize what and who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing what this world exists as completely by being a portal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing the totallity of myself as this existence as this world, what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of future moments when hell will break lose even further on earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to become hopeless towards oneness and equality by seeing how ingrained people are within their systems, not realizing that this is a fear, an installed preprogrammed survival manner for the mind to exist and generate energy to keep existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire making a point in other's lives in order to make a 'correction' within themselves, to make them see, not realizing I am only imposing myself without having walked the point myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sister's current relationships that have turned into marriage engagements

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to judge other's desire for money in great amounts 'to be rich'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see money as a limitation, instead of realizing that I create my experience towards money, therefore If I separate myself from it, I manifest separation by placing too many definitions towards it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret/shame of how I experienced myself in the past being filled with uncertainty and fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that what I've done is able to control myself.

what is here

2008-08-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being imposing myself too much towards placing my point of view, in attempting to make others see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create me this purpose of assisting others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I can be effective in doing this, not realizing that I must first self realize me in order to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not speaking up when I saw something very dishonest from that woman and fearing causing a 'problem' with my family and her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear causing problems with people in my world because of standing up+

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing my world as what is is now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my actual dependence on what 'I own' as family and house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exists within and as dependence towards this room where I am at the moment

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the place I am living at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to sitting comfortably here in this sofa next to the window

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as dependence towards being sitting here without accepting that I am defining my experience of here according to where I am at the moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be constant and stable within myself no matter where I experience myself in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience 'sadness' because I'm leaving this house soon

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to 'liking' this house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be come so used to comfortability and safety that being at parent's home brings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being kidding myself by improving within me and instead, fear being suppressing much within me still

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire not studying so I wouldn't have to go back to mexico city and so, I could stay here and live here comfortably

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility in every moment of every breath, and instead, engage myself into mind cycles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being perceived as being too 'pushy'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others won't like me anymore because of how much I've changed, not realizing, this is where I actually 'need' to go, s

I stand as all as one as equal no matter what, no matter what others may think/believe/perceive about me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of going back to school because of not wanting to lose my safety and comfortability here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire staying in the comfortability here, without having to travel not realizing this is fear of taking self responsibility for who and what I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that school won't last that much for me, because I will get bored of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and constrict myself within the experience of school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that by being self forgiveness I am saving myself in some way, not realizing, it's about facing myself as all, therefore, it isn't a pretty picture

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conditon my self expression according to where I am talking and expressing myself , instead of being constant within myself as the breath of life here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'falling from the grace' of others, not realizing that it is merely systems judging systems about the systematic way of live we've experienced so far

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, somehow, regret not having paid attention to first ever desteni video I watched and it was Hitler's, because A. was with me and he decided 'It was bullshit'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having submitted myself towards A's desires and needs in the moment, without me standing up for what I wanted or didn't want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having given much time of my existence to someone else in separation of me, meaning, to please them, to make them 'happier'

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to regret seeing how a. wanted to destroy a guitar just because it didn't sound 'cool' and so I spoke up but didn't leave him when I did want to leave him in fear of getting into a fight

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear getting into a fight with a because that would mean 'losing him'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in much fear of losing him while being with him

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe his words when he said he cared about me, without me wanting to see that he actually only wanted my faithful company for him, whenever he wanted and I accepted and allowed that to exist as me

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as an 'unconditional' friend, not realizing this entails submitting towards another one in separation of myself to whom I have established/created a relationship

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to abide with a. even though I knew how and what kind of person he was, because I wanted to 'take out' the 'bright' side within him, not realizing this was mere deception as he didn't even love himself to do this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret of having depended so much on him, spending my life with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret ever saying someone that I loved him, not realizing what that meant and what it entailed by doing so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret seeing how I've limited myself within such stupidity such as defining me as a 'cleaning freak' and thinking it is a cool thing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still desire sticking to that which I perceive as being 'cool' within me that could be useful to self direct myself as others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create of self realization a purpose within me, instead of being self realization as the breath, here, in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience uncertainty within myself because of not getting feedback from what I'm sharing in forums or asking, fearing I might be 'misguiding' someone instead of actually assisting someone as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I'm 'going too far' and not being here as the moment as who i really am when speaking words in order to assist others as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be certain of my words, but not certain of the effects of those words in others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and require feedback from others to 'know' how I am doing

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that it isn't about how others see or perceive me, but how I am here in every moment of every breath, applying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being imposing myself too much in forums or within my family, trying to make others see and being subtle in actually imposing myself towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire making a statement of what is here towards others to make them see, therefore, fearing I might be being a stubborn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the experience of myself as a stubborn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that because I could be perceived as a stubborn, people run away and reject me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making paintings with 'spiritual' symbols in fear of being influenced or defined by them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being affected by any kind of symbol by making it into a painting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at other human beings for the way they behave as being 'too patriotic' with themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at human stupiditynot realizing, I am laughing and judging myself within so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever having been proud of my nationality

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be defined by nationality.

a bit of all

2008-08-06T12:39:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated whenever I see a parent molesting its child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry while seeing someone dumping garbage in the street

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that treat their pets such as dogs, in a hard way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react while seeing that pet owners have sticks in order to keep their dogs in place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'experience' the suffering of the animals and therefore, desiring saving them, freeing them from cages and their owners

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as If I have the duty to save/protect others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mother matrix ingrained within me not realizing that non of this is really me, but system designs placed within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and be angry at anyone I see that treats animals or children in a harmful way

I self forgive myself for all the abuse in this world, all the molestation towards anything or anyone in this existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse nature in order to get what I need and require to live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly support the animal slaughter in order to get food to eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire this world going to an end so this whole mess ends up soon

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that 'I've done all I can to save this world' not realizing it is mere bulshit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only start caring about animals once I knew what they really meant in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and sorry about others as me while seeing how they abuse others as themselves, without realizing that they are doing it to themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disempowered to make a change in this world towards the current situation towards nature, animals, hunger and the situation of children in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who numb themselves by watching television

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to numb myself watching much television when I was a kid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having spent too much time in front of tv instead of playing outside

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret having told mother the truth about sisters and what they did that summer, because since then I lost their trust on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regretting not being enough with parents once they are dead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not regretting the death of a family member

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having placed too much time in expecting having a relationship with someone in order to fulfill myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having lived for someone else as someone else's life instead of living me, unconditionally, without having to experience myself with anyone else.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret getting involved in drugs in order to experience myself in a different way and escape my reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having trusted people easily, therefore, getting 'back stabbed' easily

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I regret having experienced myself in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I can't see where regret exists at the moment, therefore I stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being suppressing regret within me

wool leather

2008-08-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and sense of pain while seeing pictures of animals being slaughtered by human beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a quick pain in my stomach while seeing how they rip animals apart while they are still conscious and alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist watching the video from peta in first place, because of knowing the kind of pictures and images it would have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel almost dizzy/sick by seeing how animals suffer by the hand of men.

I self-forgive myself for accepting and allowing to kill animals in order to get their meat, fur or leather

I self-forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slaughter animals thinking/believing/perceiving that they 'don't' suffer' or 'have no mind' therefore, are worthless and not important for life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive myself as suffering along while seeing animals being tortured to death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the cruelty of this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as being sensitive to seeing animals been slaughtered and killed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that those men that kill animals deserve to die the same way, not realizing I am them as well, I am the animals been killed and I am the man that kills them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I haven't contributed to that not realizing I am them, and therefore, I am the killer, I am the slaughtered animal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in worry and fear by seeing these animals being killed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because of being sitting in a leather sofa.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that the killing of animals is irrelevant or not important to this world, and that instead, we must 'get' all of them in order to live comfortably here

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing to kill animals, torture them to death, to dry them out in order to get wools, fur and leather in order to create furniture, clothes, shoes or any other object that implies the killing of an animal

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become tense while watching the video of animals being slaughtered.